My 14 year old son has been dropped by friends

[newmumbythesea]

My 14 year old son has been dropped by his friendship group and I don’t know what to do. He always had a wide group of friends and plays in a local football team, an academy football team and his school football team so is always super busy. His friends have always been from the football teams as there is a lot of crossover. He was in the “popular” group which I knew was a risk as they always seem to be the meanest but they seemed nice and we know all the parents through car lift shares to games and match sidelines which has been going on for years. It’s now come to light that they dropped him in November (yes, 6 month months ago but we thought he was tired from all the football!) - overnight they stopped inviting him out (there were sleepovers every weekend), took him out of all group chats and stopped playing with him on the Xbox. He has no idea why. I suspect the leader of the group did it and has done it to a handful of others too. I’ve tried talking to the parents but they sympathise and nothing changes (this has upset us too as some of them are good friends). My son says they are still one group at football and school - he’s just been cut off socially. The football season has now come to an end and we live at the beach when all the boys spend their days there in good weather and I am dreading the next few months. The other boys who were cut off joined the local gym but the gym has stopped 14 year old boys joining now so he can’t join them either. I want to talk to the school but my husband says we can’t as it could make it worse and we would find it incredibly difficult to move groups due to the football etc. I’m at a loss what to do and I’m heartbroken. I know it’s common at this age so wondered if anyone else been through this and could give any advice?

Today he knocked for his old primary school friend and walked to school with 5 of them. First time in 6 months that he’s not walked alone! Massive step for him. This group splintered off from the main group and I think my son wanted the “popular” group as it came with lots of parties and he has now realised he should have splintered off with them when they did. He’s scared they will reject him and we’re not at socialising yet but a walk to school is a start. I will also speak to the gym about the other boys and him joining.

So sorry that so many kids are going through this. My 13yo DD is also experiencing the same thing. I don't know how to advise her, she's started counselling privately to try and give her coping mechanisms. My heart literally breaks for her.

The worst part is that you can’t make it better. I’m a control freak and I would always organise play dates in primary school and have class birthday parties so no-one got left out. This is a whole other level of meanness and the kids dictate who is in and who is out without a thought to how soul destroying it is, with social media being the worst too. On the plus side, it looks like most come out the other side a better, stronger person. Or, I hope they do anyway. 🤞

No there is nothing you can do about the mean ones rejecting him. You can be a supportive sounding board though and encourage him to make other friends. Give up on the grim ones. The ideas about summer courses lifeguarding etc are good. I’ve noticed that the proactive mums whose teens struggle socially have them signed up for things like local rowing club / drama club / volunteering etc.

Happens to the best of them. Happened to Taylor Swift! Dd and I used to listen to her song “Mean” which cheered us up

I’ve just bought a table tennis table(!) He can play with us, hit the ball and get his frustration out and it might get him talking to us and out of his room. Thought it might be a good ice breaker to get some of the other sporty boys round too.

As an alternative to clubs, sports etc, are there any part time jobs he could do through the summer? If you're at the seaside, there might be a lot of cafes/refreshment places wanting people to clear tables and wash up. Moving into the adult world of work, mixing with different people and earning his own money would be a great boost to his confidence and independence.

It happened to me at that age. I don't know what could've made things better for me but my parents didn't 'do' anything or help me, I never told them and they were just busy with work etc. so I don't know if they even knew. I'm glad your son has you, maybe just make sure to talk to him but don't pressure him to find new friends. Just help him to feel loved at home.

I was horribly lonely and I don't think my parents could've changed that. My confidence was affected. I made new friends, but not until sixth form during my A levels.

my son is going through something similar…it’s heartbreaking but these “friends “ have been toxic over the years. He is doing his best to focus on other interests and has made a couple of good friends that way. In school he only has one true friend now after being “kicked out “ of the old group. Social media makes it especially difficult since he sees all the pics of parties and fun times yet refuses to quit the apps. He is dealing with it but it’s hard sometimes. These kids are so mean. And I did my research to see if my son did something to cause it…and from what I heard he didn’t at all. There are two popular kids who don’t like him and they have convinced the other old friends that he shouldn’t be invited anymore. One friend tried to get him invited to a party and the boy throwing it said that if my son came he wouldn’t be allowed inside saying “he can wait outside like a dog.” Of course he didn’t go and we told him that these kids were NOT his friends…and not worth his time.

It’s also hard for me because the parents of the old crew were my good friends, and I no longer feel comfortable seeing these moms knowing how their boys are treating my son.

It’s a terrible situation all around…I just hope he truly finds his people and has a somewhat positive school experience. Good luck to yours as well!

We’re further along now and it does get better. ❤️ The summer was just as awful as we imagined it would be but thankfully the weather was terrible so no-one went to the beach. We also got him to join a gym and a few others did too which helped. New school year, new start though and we pushed him to make an effort with other boys. It’s early days but he is now back laughing on the Xbox with them and had had a few sleepovers and football meet-ups. The parties are still happening but they are now getting out of hand - lots of drinking, throwing up and one girl pregnant apparently. Such a toxic group that I wouldn’t want my son to be a part of now. They are also vaping in the toilets and bunking off school. Thank goodness he moved on. The school found out and I had various emails and calls saying I should have come to them which is the part I regret as I now think they could have helped as it is happening all the time and they have vast experience. I guess the one good thing to come out of it is that my son is much stronger and resilient and it has been s massive life lesson - he is a better person for it. Good Luck and my heart goes out to anyone dealing with this. ❤️

Pleased to see your update OP. My DD is where you son was last year but it’s her friends at school rather than outside school. She literally has no friends there since a fall out and is truly struggling. Her confidence has taken a huge hit and, even with encouragement, she does not have the courage to try to make new friends. I listen and make suggestions (hoping to get her to join a club outside school - she won’t go to any of the school-run ones) but I just cannot fix this for her. I’m at a loss.

@newmumbythesea school does not really help in my dd case they made it worse as dd was they known as a baby and a snitch.
In the end she wanted to move school so I let her do that, she then went completely off the rails but with constant nagging and not great Gcse covid time so teachers gave results and she was not great at handing in homework.
She turned it around in Alevel and is now in 2nd year at uni studying law she has a small group of friends.
Everything happens for a reason popular gang not always the best.

@newmumbythesea that's great the situation has improved

I've encouraged my children to have friends in different groups, so if they get ditched by one lot, they still have other people to socialise with

At 14, parents have limited control over who their children choose to socialise with, so I wouldn't judge the parents too harshly

Could he talk to the other boys who were cut off and arrange to meet them at the beach?

Just seen your update. I'm glad your DS has realised his primary school friends were his true friends and is back hanging out with them again. It sounds like a blessing in disguise as the popular lot sound like they will run into trouble. Good job he's settled away from them now.