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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My teen destroying my mental health

34 replies

ColaCube1305 · 14/05/2023 20:54

This year started off so well then went downhill rapidly. My 13yo son started wanting to leave school early or not go in at all. In March, he was so upset that I said I thought his anxiety that he diagnosed with at age 8 had come back. Since then there hasn't been one week where he's been in school full time.
Doctor didn't even really assess him just put him on beta blockers.

Last week he saw this amazing NLP therapist who confirmed what I had been thinking - he doesn't have deep rooted anxiety. It's all been a plot to stay off school and get on gaming every chance he gets.
The realisation of this is destroying my own mental health and my own anxiety is having an absolute field day. Before I believed this was my fault, somehow I'd made him this way cos of my own issues. Now I feel so angry and hurt that my own son, who has seen the state I can end up in, is twisting it to use to his advantage and I feel destroyed. I feel he hates me and just wants to keep picking away at me for his own gain.
We've taken away all his gaming and we're trying to get him to understand that none of its ever coming back if he doesn't return full time to school, he says he can't, now he's been bullied. I feel awful but I don't believe him, I feel like he's the boy who cried wolf.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him again or if we'll ever get him back into school. I know we did a lot of this to ourselves thinking we had the gaming handled and now finding out we clearly didn't. I feel like such a failure

OP posts:
DoraDunebug · 14/05/2023 20:56

How has that come out then? Did he admit it as blatantly as that to the therapist?

Cc1998 · 14/05/2023 21:09

DoraDunebug · 14/05/2023 20:56

How has that come out then? Did he admit it as blatantly as that to the therapist?

I'm curious about this too.

mynameiscalypso · 14/05/2023 21:11

I feel a bit sorry for your son. I'm not sure why you trust a one off therapist appt with someone who has a slightly ropey 'qualification'.

Original poster
ColaCube1305 · 15/05/2023 05:02

He admitted to the therapist that all he wants to do is game. That there have been rules in the past that haven't stuck so he was pretty confident that we'd give in and he'd get what he wants cos he could just use anxiety as the excuse

OP posts:
Goodread1 · 15/05/2023 05:29

Hi @ColaCube1305
A teenagers can be at times, let's tell it as it is, a bit of nightmare ect, at home with parents, maybe like somewhat Angels 😇 outside at school or elsewhere or not at all,

I am just wondering why he feels escapism from school environment so much, is it just cause of his age,

Or
Is there underlying issue for e.g my son is dyslexic , I have dyscallica, (numbers blindness)
Is there a learning difficulties issue he is trying to hide in some ways,
can you find out about exploring this then and obviously advocate if he has a issue like this for him?
to get necessary support put in place?

Is he socially arkward,
he does not feel he fits in or is it he is experiencing low level type of teasing that he just does not know how to handle or bullying?

If he is?
You need to support him emotionally by building up his cofindence so he believes in himself,
also learning martial arts disciplines would be extremely beneficial as this naturally builds up self esteem ect.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/05/2023 05:35

This sounds very much like an ASD boy to me. Especially as he presented with anxiety initially.

He may be using gaming to soothe himself. If he has ASD that will be why he’s refusing school. I’d chat to your doctor rather than a ‘therapist’

If he’s been out of school for more than 15 days ( doesn’t have to be consecutive) he’s entitled to some home tuition.

l suspect you have an EBSA rather than a lazy child. Emotional based school avoider.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/05/2023 05:36

You need to start listening to him. He’s saying he can’t go back.

Flufs · 15/05/2023 05:38

Teens can be awful but thankfully they get older and mature. This isn’t the child you will have at 23. be honest with him. Sit him down and him how upset this deception has made you. Remove his Xbox until he has a complete week of school under his belt.

In the meantime workout what you need to do to take care of yourself. Meditation, yoga, daily walks, seeing friends,

Goodread1 · 15/05/2023 05:47

Hi @ColaCube1305
Also encourage him to explore try out various wide range of outside activities than just being on his own gaming..

For e.g boys scouts, sea cadets, nature conservation group for teenagers
Duke of Edinburgh venture scheme, St John Ambulance youth aspect of this ect , others types of interests hobbies,
Drama group/Athletics club.

this will help him obviously to find a healthy balance in his life, build up his cofindence bonus point and obviously somewhere down the line, make new like minded friends too.

He may, probably will moan at even thought of doing try out stuff like this,
@ColaCube1305
but I can guarantee allmost, after a short while pretty quickly, he will soon discover out of all activities I have mentioned and maybe others I have not mentioned he will find something he finds interesting in some way ,therefore enjoy doing too.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/05/2023 05:51

With my female EBSA l didn’t remove anything. She was struggling enough. Parting with some cash in Urban Outfitters precipitated a somewhat bumpy return.

Goodread1 · 15/05/2023 05:52

Also Op@ColaCube1305
encourage him to explore if availabe at his age?
any volunteering types of opportunities of interest for him, for youth/young people,

really good experience ideas, for e.g what is he curious about wildlife nature conservation ect?

ittakes2 · 15/05/2023 05:57

Both my children have seen therapists for anxiety - please do not put all your faith in this NLP practitioner. They may be amazing but if you google NLP training you can become an NLP practitioner after a 7 day course.

endofthelinefinally · 15/05/2023 05:58

Gaming can turn into an addiction, just like any other addiction. It might be worth considering addictive personality.

endofthelinefinally · 15/05/2023 06:04

ittakes2 · 15/05/2023 05:57

Both my children have seen therapists for anxiety - please do not put all your faith in this NLP practitioner. They may be amazing but if you google NLP training you can become an NLP practitioner after a 7 day course.

This.
A proper psychiatric assessment would be better. Unfortunately you would probably have to pay, but at least they are properly qualified.
If you trust your gp, ask for their recommendation.
Otherwise you will have to start with googling your local nhs trusts and read about each consultant, then find out who does private work.

Snugglemonkey · 15/05/2023 06:17

endofthelinefinally · 15/05/2023 06:04

This.
A proper psychiatric assessment would be better. Unfortunately you would probably have to pay, but at least they are properly qualified.
If you trust your gp, ask for their recommendation.
Otherwise you will have to start with googling your local nhs trusts and read about each consultant, then find out who does private work.

Show quote history

This is what I would be doing. As pp have mentioned, the gaming is a soother. What does he need soothed? He is a troubled child, not just some chancer. I also do not like that the therapist broke his confidentiality to tell you what he said. A therapeutic space should be safe. One session and he has learned that therapy ends up with him having his stuff taken. How is he to trust therapy again?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/05/2023 06:30

In March, he was so upset that I said I thought his anxiety that he diagnosed with at age 8 had come back. Since then there hasn't been one week where he's been in school full time
Why would he make this up? The gaming is a symptom not the cause.

Hes told you he’s being bullied, he’s told you he can’t go. Why are you blaming the gaming? If he’s had anxiety as a younger child the gaming will be something to calm him down.

Why would he be able to do voluntary work etc if he can’t do school?

Hes obviuosly struggling or games wouldn’t be so addictive, Your post is a lot about you, but you need to get to the root of why he’s struggling.

He had anxiety age 8
He doesn’t want to go to school
Hes being bullied.

Read the room. Talk less about the gaming and more about the reasons behind it. My EBSA had spent s lot of time playing Zelda. It got her into a place where we could contemplate a return.

Cc1998 · 15/05/2023 07:05

I cant believe he's been off school all this time and you've had him see one (questionable, cheap) therapist, one time and now you're suddenly taking away his things and forcing him back into school.

You've probably ruined your trust with him and you, and him and therapy.

WilkinsonM · 15/05/2023 07:08

Wanting to stay off school and game all day and night in itself is a symptom of poor mental health in a teen! You've done the right thing limiting gaming but please don't take this as he's just lied and manipulated you - there is clearly more going on for him to want to retreat from the world even if it is 'just' gaming addiction (which is a real and serious issues for teens)

Gardendad · 15/05/2023 07:36

I really would not be getting wound up based on the outcome of one session with an NLP therapist. If he is having the issues you describe you need to book him in with a psychotherspist who works with young adults. Its unlikely they will give you a 'diagnosis' like the NLP therapist.

TrollyHolly · 15/05/2023 07:52

There's literally nothing that gets posted these days which doesn't elicit a suggestion of Autism.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/05/2023 08:34

TrollyHolly · 15/05/2023 07:52

There's literally nothing that gets posted these days which doesn't elicit a suggestion of Autism.

He’s showing all the symptoms though. Either way, he’s mentally unwell.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/05/2023 08:48

Gaming, anxiety and school refusal are some of the main symptoms of ASD.

ManchesterGirl2 · 15/05/2023 09:09

Snugglemonkey · 15/05/2023 06:17

This is what I would be doing. As pp have mentioned, the gaming is a soother. What does he need soothed? He is a troubled child, not just some chancer. I also do not like that the therapist broke his confidentiality to tell you what he said. A therapeutic space should be safe. One session and he has learned that therapy ends up with him having his stuff taken. How is he to trust therapy again?

Show quote history

Agree with both of these.

TrollyHolly · 15/05/2023 09:14

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/05/2023 08:48

Gaming, anxiety and school refusal are some of the main symptoms of ASD.

Lol. No they aren't. They might be features of some people with ASD but certainly not main symptoms. Are you aware of diagnostic criteria for ASD?

That kind of misinformation is why clinics are overwhelmed by referrals and having to shut their referrals to all but the most high risk cases.