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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

14 yr old boy quite reclusive

38 replies

Orangesandlemons77 · 12/05/2023 17:15

Spends a lot of time on his own gaming in his room. Normal for this age? tell me about your teenage boys around this age.

DH seems very concerned that he should be out and about with friends more, but as far as I remember our eldest (now 18) was similar at this age.

OP posts:
1of2 · 12/05/2023 17:49

I could have written this about my son who’s a similar age. Not interested in being out with other kids. Likes his own company. He’s definitely his own person and finds other boys his age annoying.
I’m slowly learning to accept him for who he is. A lovely introvert!

Dacadactyl · 12/05/2023 17:50

My son is nearly 11 but I would personally be concerned if he wasn't out mixing with other kids/going to town etc by the time he was 14.

stayathomer · 12/05/2023 17:55

We have the same but we force them out, not even to be around kids their own age, as much to get them out into life so walks, shops, having board game nights, zooms with relatives if they’re far away. Too much time in the bedroom can really take it’s toll, our 15 yo went from being warm and outgoing to in a bit of a daze, living off YouTube, his phone and gaming so we started pushing him out more but it’s so hard, bless, it’s a tough age

CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease · 12/05/2023 18:00

Ds(14) only leaves his room for school and food. Dh is always complaining saying he should be out with his friends but he is happy, doing well at school, has a great set of friends there which he then socialises with online at home, so I’m ok with it.

Original poster
Orangesandlemons77 · 12/05/2023 18:04

We also force him out on trips etc walks just to get out the house for a bit at weekends.

Otherwise he'd just stay in his room. He does like others and has friends at school. Sometimes they go to the shops etc on the way home from school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangesandlemons77 · 12/05/2023 18:05

I think school might be a bit intense atm, some end of year tests before they start GCSEs. Maybe they just need the down time.

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CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease · 12/05/2023 18:17

He sounds exactly like my ds so I would say very normal.
my dh sometimes forgets that we aren’t living in 1999 anymore, the world has changed a lot. And I think he looks back on his teen years with some very rose-tinted glasses as when he complains about ds being in his room it always starts of with… “when I was his age…..”. Drives me up the wall that does.

Bumply · 12/05/2023 20:35

My sons were similar at that age.
Youngest (now 21) still has a pack of friends from school days that he does actually meet in person and is now flat sharing with one.
All his social life was via his headset while playing online in his teen years.

Remmy123 · 12/05/2023 21:42

My 14 year old is the same and I've given up worrying about it as he seems happy

bemorelemmy · 13/05/2023 11:58

My son was the same at 14- but perfectly happy. It worried us but not him!
Now he's 16 and branching out at his own pace. He still spends lots of time on his screens, but he also goes out maybe 2-3 times a week, always skateboarding on the street or at the skatepark (with 1 boy primarily, occasionally a small group who he's gradually getting to know). he's fine, happy and I'm genuinely not worried. If he was still exclusively gaming in his room at 16, i'd probably be concerned but i can see that he's slowly venturing out. i know that he's more sociable at 6th form during the day than he ever was at school so figure that's a good thing. he's just dropped his CV off to various coffee places near us so is clearly ready to do more. Give them time, I say. My brother was around 17/18 before really going out and he's always been fine. Also your DH might have stayed in more if he'd had the gaming options they have today! and even that can be quite sociable I think- playing games with friends online (and therefore interacting)- it's not always on their own.

Original poster
Orangesandlemons77 · 13/05/2023 12:55

My elder son is going out and about more since about 16 as well (he is now 18) but was the same at 14.

I remember DH being worried about him at the time as well. I will try and reassure DH it is probably just a phase, and keep an eye on it.

He's (14) got two revision weeks now then a week of assessments where they group them into sets for their GCSEs so that will be busy anyway, then after that half term and at the end of term an activity week which will get them out and about a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangesandlemons77 · 13/05/2023 13:04

Thanks for the replies

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weebleswobblebuttheydontfalldown · 13/05/2023 13:10

My 14 year old DS is the same!! In his room, gaming with friends, he does come out for meals etc and the odd thing and goes out with friends from school but doesn't want to socialise as much with us. Will occasionally sit in living room and watch a film with us (only if he likes tho!). In think it's a normal phase... my daughter did at a similar age and my 11 year old son is also gravitating to his room a lot more recently!

spaceychimp80 · 13/05/2023 14:10

My DS was exactly the same at 14 but is much more sociable now he is 16. I wouldn't worry at all.

Starintheshow · 13/05/2023 14:43

My 15yo is a bit the same.

Does your son have any hobbies? My son plays football 3x a week. He goes out occasionally with friends but certainly not as a regular thing, probably once or twice a month. He does weights in his room and plays in the garden.

I do worry about him but he says he's happy.

Tifalockhart · 13/05/2023 15:38

Mine is 13 and sounds very similar. He has friends at school and they hang around a little after school/walk to and from school together but don’t socialise any other time.

We drag him out at weekends on walks etc so I can ensure he gets fresh air. He would game all day if given the chance. I used to worry about it but now I just go with the flow. He is a lovely boy and no trouble at all so I can’t complain really.

Weedoormatnomore · 13/05/2023 15:45

My DS is the same just wants to play online with mates. Just done his Mocks for year 10 so leaving him to it this weekend every now and then he does go and mix outside with mates but not a regular weekend thing !

familyissues12345 · 13/05/2023 16:32

Just the same as my son, spends a lot of time on his own in his room. It's got even worse since his older (only) sibling left for Uni last September.

He'd like to go out more, and have friends who want to go into town etc but they just aren't interested. He said last week that he's really lonely Sad

Original poster
Orangesandlemons77 · 13/05/2023 18:14

That's a shame to hear some are lonely. I think it seems to change as they get older, my eldest is our more now.

My DH seems to think all the oters are out meeting up, and is asking me about things like do the parents chat in a Whatsapp group and we are left out.

I don't think that is the case and probably the others are similar. He does have friends as he mentions them

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Em3978 · 13/05/2023 18:26

Absolutely normal these days.
DS is 15 and has been in his room, in PJs all day. He had exams all last week (mock GCSEs 3x per day!)
I'll force him into clothes (and socks!!!) tomorrow for some fresh air, then leave him to hide in his room again.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 13/05/2023 22:47

Mine is the same. 14.5. Just as he was getting old enough to socialise with his mates independently, lockdown happened and it all went online. He's an introvert like his dad anyway. He does "stuff" - plays in a local schools orchestra, plays a bit of cricket. Explorer scouts - barejy speaks to anyone. None of the explorers do!

stayathomer · 13/05/2023 23:41

He'd like to go out more, and have friends who want to go into town etc but they just aren't interested. He said last week that he's really lonely
Any chance he’d join a new club or something? Maybe do a pastime like badminton or cycling or something?

Geppili · 14/05/2023 01:11

Normal. Covid made my two less sociable.

familyissues12345 · 14/05/2023 16:35

stayathomer · 13/05/2023 23:41

He'd like to go out more, and have friends who want to go into town etc but they just aren't interested. He said last week that he's really lonely
Any chance he’d join a new club or something? Maybe do a pastime like badminton or cycling or something?

@stayathomer , yeah we're working on finding him something. He's not really that sporty, although loves following football, but he did like hockey at primary school so I'm waiting on a reply from the local hockey club.

Covid didn't help, he used to be in scouts but Covid meant everything went online (which he hates) then by the time it became f2f again any friends he had their had given up. A real shame, scouts was great for him

teenmumpain · 14/05/2023 21:21

My nearly 14 DS is also reclusive, never out with his friends or having anyone around, staying mostly in his room. We have accepted thats hopefully just a phase but he does have very angry outbursts when he's out of his room and lashes out on us.

For example he would snatch food from others and scream and shout if asked to return. He would tell us to leave the living room if he's in it. Every little thing not to his liking would result in shouting and slamming doors. I found his reclusivity makes it difficult for him to relate to people. That's why we can't wait for this phase to pass quickly. He was a lovely boy when he was little.