14 yr old boy quite reclusive

[Orangesandlemons77]

Spends a lot of time on his own gaming in his room. Normal for this age? tell me about your teenage boys around this age.

DH seems very concerned that he should be out and about with friends more, but as far as I remember our eldest (now 18) was similar at this age.

And at school apparently he's sociable, having friends and well liked. Just us who are bearing the brunt of his outbursts.

We had friends with children slightly younger than him (11-12) coming over for dinner the other night. He used to play with them when they were all kiddies but not anymore, he stayed in his room the entire evening. He found dinner with people outside his family very awkward.

Anyone having the same? What should we do?

I guess just learn from it and adapt?

Mine has said they don't want to do the D of E bronze which might have got them out a bit.

same here

DS refused all extra curricular activities

I want to insist on at least one eg DofE which is starting next year at his school but he already said No. Same like other activities.

As I said I have accepted he's quite introvert but I don't accept disrespectful behaviour. I have made clear that to him again and again. He seems to get it after each episode of lashing out, as he would then become very nice to us, accepting no screens as punishment, participating in family activities including walks, talking nicely and understanding that his behaviour was not acceptable, but then he would return to his cave being with himself and then it happens again.

Each cycle lasts about a week or two. So it's quite regular and constantly on our mind that he could lash out anytime. The truth is I think he also does not know when he would lose control again.

We tried to lure him out of his room by various ways, including time limits on screen and food. I just can't wait for these years to pass.

I read another thread where the original poster was complaining about their 14yo DS in 2008 and returned to update that he's now a lovely young man aged 29 and I wept. I just can't wait.

Mines the same

I think as long as they're genuinely happy it's fine.

If they're lonely or depressed then you need to intervene.

Does he game with friends or on his own? To me, there's quite a big difference between socialising online and not socialising at all.

I think your DH is definitely wrong about other parents chatting in a Whatsapp group. That's a primary school thing IME.

I could have written this I’m the worried parent

my DH seems oblivious

Ịt's sort of reassuring me that my eldest came through this OK, in fact at 18 and now on study leave is going into school, in uniform, voluntarily to study with his friends, going out with them for e.g. BBQs at weekends, had them round for pizza etc

Whereas at the same age of 14 he was similar and I remember then DH worrying that he had no friends and wanting to contact school etc, I did say wait and see, give it time..

I am trying to remember, there was a book school recommended about teenagers which said in particular boys can tend to retreat into their rooms at around this age.

It was called something like Get out of my Life, but First give me a lift into town, anyone know it?

Yes I have that book

I read it all and sort of understood the teens predicarement

And most of the time I'm able to hold it and actually defending DS' behaviour to close family members who expressed concerns, explaining to them along the lines of the book.

But sometimes I just couldn't take it anymore. His occassional but recurring aggressiveness (including outbursts of violent kicking us and throwing things) has taken a toll on me. There seems to be a positive correlation between the time he spent uninterrupted in his room and his level of aggressiveness. Which is why I'm not taking his reclusion as easy as I could.

I've told him again and again that his emotional regulation needs improving.

My 14 year old son has been dropped by his friendship group and I don’t know what to do. He always had a wide group of friends and plays in a local football team, an academy football team and his school football team so is always super busy. His friends have always been from the football teams as there is a lot of crossover. He was in the “popular” group which I knew was a risk as they always seem to be the meanest but they seemed nice and we know all the parents through car lift shares to games and match sidelines which has been going on for years. It’s now come to light that they dropped him in November (yes, 6 month months ago but we thought he was tired from all the football!) - overnight they stopped inviting him out (there were sleepovers every weekend), took him out of all group chats and stopped playing with him on the Xbox. He has no idea why. I suspect the leader of the group did it and has done it to a handful of others too. I’ve tried talking to the parents but they sympathise and nothing changes (this has upset us too as some of them are good friends). My son says they are still one group at football and school - he’s just been cut off socially. The football season has now come to an end and we live at the beach when all the boys spend their days there in good weather and I am dreading the next few months. The other boys who were cut off joined the local gym but the gym has stopped 14 year old boys joining now so he can’t join them either. I want to talk to the school but my husband says we can’t as it could make it worse and we would find it incredibly difficult to move groups due to the football etc. I’m at a loss what to do and I’m heartbroken. I know it’s common at this age so wondered if anyone else been through this and could give any advice?

Same here, my DS is also 14 and I think covid had an impact as he left primary school and started secondary with no real transition support and only has a couple of mates. He mostly stays in his room gaming but we got him into Air Cadets earlier this year and that has helped him socialise a bit more and gets him out of the house twice a week!

My 15yo is similar, reluctant to go out even when invited, glued to phone, doesn't play sport or do any of the teenage stuff that I did (which I'm actually grateful for!). He has friends but doesn't seem to want to spend much time with them outside school/gaming. Covid definitely had a major impact on him and he seems quite naturally introverted anyway. I wish he would go out and have fun sometimes!

Check out these tips: https://hugateen.com/articles/parenting/how-to-get-your-teenager-out-of-their-room/

Not much help at all but can I recommend games like the family edition cards against humanity, articulate, poker, charades etc for family nights in with goodies to at least relieve some of the pressure? It’s literally the one time things are just that bit easier and we’re not nagging! Also going over to relatives to help with odd jobs (but getting paid if only a few quid from us!)