Full time mum for 20 years, Now what ?

[GEM77A]

Im new here and hoping someone can help me.
A little something about me,

I met my husband when I was 15 and we have been together ever since.
I had my first baby when I was 17.
We have 3 girls aged 13,16 & 20

We own a business which I will help with now and again when needed but it’s not fulfilling anymore.

The girls don’t need me as much now apart from being a taxi.
Someone please tell me what I’m meant to do with myself now 🥺

I know nothing else apart from being a wife and mum.

I am so lost, don’t know who I am anymore.

Feel worth less and I’m going crazy How do I find myself again ?

Thank you for your time in advance
G xx

Could you go to college or join a class to gain some skills in something you are interested in? Work part time in a local shop or do some volunteering work?

I’m quite an anxious person and never put myself out there so not sure where to start.
Im not even sure what I would enjoy

OP, have you considered training as a child minder and doing that in your own home?
It would use the skills you already have, and be in your familiar environment, so not anxiety inducing.

Thank you,
This sounds good but I feel I need to step away from the house/home life

Do you want to/need to work?

If not, what do you enjoy doing? Sport, gardening, reading?

If you want to work eventually, maybe go along to your local volunteer centre initially, or Google "do it volunteering" to see what options you have locally to volunteer. Then if you find a sector you enjoy volunteering in, look for jobs in that field.

Good luck. I kind of know how you feel.

I use the open learn section on the open university website to do short courses for free and am finding what I'm interested in after 24 years of being not a person. They're interesting and engaging and require nothing more than a little time and internet access.
I am also using centre of excellence to study accredited courses to boost my own business. They are reasonably priced anyway for what you get but if you search online there are always discount codes available.
I'm also trying the yes technique. I'm a very anxious person but have found I do enjoy being out and about sometimes.
Appreciate this is very me but I was in your position too.

Thank you,

No I don’t need to work but would be nice to earn my own money and become more independent.
I am worried about committing to a job. Feels like such a big step.

Think I will look into volunteering

@GEM77A I think it'd be a good first step tbh. The volunteering would boost your confidence and you'd find out what you like doing. Then committing to a job wouldn't feel so daunting, because you'd have more of an idea what you were letting yourself in for.

Definitely volunteer

Remember you gave loads of transferable skills.

Plus you know the ins and outs of running a business.

You have so much to offer society and volunteering is a great way to try certain things and seeing where they lead.

Loads of roles offer training so aim high.

never put myself out there .... I need to step away from the house/home life

Two incompatible statements - now there's a conundrum!!

Maybe you need to put a toe in the water gently and slowly. What are your interests? - music/sport/nature/art???? I am sure there must be something that you find interesting.

You can train and gain qualifications online; you can do free courses just for fun online (try coursera; Open Learn at the open university, futurelearn) - google free online courses.

If you are going to broaden your life from now on, then you will need to gently begin to put yourself out there. There are lots of voluntary roles - try googling volunteer opportunities near you, or your council site. Some are "backroom" jobs that are not public-facing and are difficult to fill as people want to be "out there."

You are a mere young thing - you have had one life as wife and mother and this is your moment to have a second life - you are very lucky - make the most of it! Good luck!

Ok so I’m not sure how to reply individually to each of these replies.
they all sound really positive, and I’m glad I joined here.
Thank you all all for your replies.

I do feel very fortunate to be in this position, but it’s knowing where to start.

i’m going to get on Google now 😬 thank you everyone

I have a similar dilemma looming (not quite here yet but looking ahead). The thought of an empty nest fills me with horror as being a sahm has been a huge focus for me. I'm pretty sure there will be lots of other people in this situation too.

I am so lost, don’t know who I am anymore.

Feel worth less and I’m going crazy How do I find myself again ?

This resonates. It's a difficult one because where do you actually get your sense of worth from? Lots of people seem to get this from the work that they do but this could also potentially be taken away and of course most people eventually retire. I got a fair bit of a sense of self-worth from my previous employment and then got made redundant.

Without a strong sense of what I want to do, I feel like I'm drifting. I am also anxious and likely to end up in a back role somewhere to occupy my time.

I'm planning on going down the on-line selling route, selling something I have an interest in (whilst not ruling out volunteering)...difficulty is, the economy and this isn't an essential item. However, like you, I don't need to rely on the income so not particularly high risk.

The trouble is nothing seems to compensate for the changing role of mothering.

Is there anyway you could make your existing business a bit more interesting - expand etc or is it skill based and reliant on your husband?

I think you are right to seek out what interests you. One place to start is to think about what you enjoyed doing as a child.

Hoping others will come along and comment on how they managed this situation.

Keep us posted if you can op.

Just as an encouragement: I was a SAHM for many years, but was able to return to my profession in spite of the gap (I was also privileged to have had a good education and a profession to return to). But, more importantly, I then left this, retrained and started a totally new career at the age of 50 - so if I could do it at that great age, then I am sure you can!!

What about joining a gym, sports centre or library just as a way of gently getting out there and doing something for yourself.

Thank you this is great !!

We have a construction business and I do the finishing touches etc but I still feel I want something just for me.

I've been selling things on eBay but nothing enough to satisfy.

I love yoga so I'm going to get back into that, it's been a while.

It's more about wanting an achievement !!
I know I have my wonderful girls that I'm so proud of but I do feel now is my time to shine but just don't know where to start.

Thought about making weird, wacky pots and selling them but to get started it costs so much and if it doesn't work then 🤷🏽‍♀️

Surprised no one has mentioned this yet, but, @GEM77A, MN has a dedicated Mature Study and Retraining board - where you’ll find countless threads on exactly this or similar situations. Why not take a look?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/mature_students

I hope you find something that inspires a next step!

This, for instance:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/mature_students/4415824-Anyone-in-their-30s-40s-doing-an-apprenticeship?reply=112954477

You will find your passion. Like someone else said, think back to the things you enjoyed as a child. Maybe keep a journal of things that you think of, you may see a pattern of things you're interested in. You are still young! 😊

Definitely get back into yoga

In your shoes I’d be looking at both finding some fulfilling hobbies plus either volunteering or paid work. The hobbies will help your confidence too.

Was there anything you wanted to be when you were little? When you talked about what kind of job or career you wanted? You could easily retrain / qualify into a career. As a pp said, you’re actually in an amazing position!

My friend has had children in a similar way to you although her youngest is still at primary school. She’s planning on doing teacher training and specialising in working with children with SEN once her daughter is in Year 8.

I think it’s normally to feel anxious: I felt like I lost quite a lot of my own identity when I had my 3 DC.

Best of luck!

I know I may be a walking cliche , but I was sahm for 10 years, also having what I'd call a hobby business. It just wasn't enough at some point. I volunteered for Macmillan a day a week, I took time to find a challenging role with them, there are some, but if they are going to train you they do expect a bit of commitment, (but still could say, I won't be in next week etc) this gave me tons of confidence to apply for full time jobs and that is what I do now.
Out of work I sing in a choir, and also the WI has been an amazing source of fun and friendship (but you really need to get the right one)

Honestly just start off getting a job, any job. This will take your attention away from your home life and start you thinking about yourself, you will meet new people with different lives and dreams. From there you can start thinking about what you want to do and what you might enjoy, good luck.

Become a Foster Carer. That's what I did when my babies grew up.

My youngest has just started school, I felt like I needed to be a person again not just mum. I started volunteering and I love it. It’s given me a lot of confidence. I have also found a hobby that I love. You just need to find who you are again.

Part time job?