My 14 year old son hurts me

[Danni88xx]

This is so embarrassing but here we go …… I have split with my sons father when my son was only 2 years old , so I’ve done everything myself for him . His dad has always been involved as in seeing my son 2 nights a week so I can’t say anything bad about that as he has always had a relationship with him . My son has always got angry and takes it out on me , when he was little it was biting me and kicking me as he got older it’s been getting worse as in pushing me down stairs , pushes me over , hits me , this last time 4 weeks ago he threw my coffee all over the car , swerved my steering wheel and smashed my windscreen from the inside by punching the rear view mirror . I had to call the police this time as I’ve had enough of it and when he’s like that I can do anything to calm him down . He ONLY does it to me ( never done this to his dad ) he does as he’s told for his dad but if he doesn’t want to do as I say he just won’t and there is nothing I can do . I’ve taken things off him in the past all the usual grounding ect . He said he is going to live with his dad and his dad picked him up and now I have not seen him for 4 weeks . It’s absolutely killing me , I keep breaking down and I feel physically sick . He is all I have and I just want him to come home . His dad is selling his flat so he’s moved back in with his mum and dad . My sons dad hasn’t worked a day in his life , he lives off his mum and dad still at 34 years old , he hasn’t got my son to apologise to me for what he has done & he ignores my calls and messages all the time . He’s only ever paid £30 a week child maintenance which I pay in to an account for my son for when he’s older but he pays as and when and he hasn’t paid any of it for about 5 months he does it all the time . When he does pay he gives it to my son to give to me even though I have told him to stop doing that so many times . He’s very opinionated which my son picks up on everything and copies him. My son hasn’t called , he reads my watts app messages and ignores me . It’s awful . I feel like his dad is more his friend and it’s scary that he’s with him so much as I know it’s not going to be good for my sons future. I work so hard , for everything I have and my son and it annoys me his dad takes him here there and everywhere when he doesn’t work and he’s some super hero . I just don’t know what to do , I’m so broken and I’m petrified my son won’t come home .

Am sorry to read this. How can he push you down the stairs, hit you? I am honestly furious for you. I don't actually know what to do except send you a hug.

What are his demands, that he becomes violent if you don't give in?

Sounds like him staying with his dad for a while might be the best thing for both of you OP and I mean that kindly because where does the physical abuse end? Have a look for some DV charities who can provide you with some support.
He sounds safe and reasonably well cared for with his Dad, I wouldn’t be rushing to have him back.

This sounds absolutely awful OP.

You obviously love your son and I can understand that you are heartbroken but you are clearly not safe in your home with him - at 14 he is possibly stronger than you and is going to get stronger still. Unless he gets some effective anger management help there is a chance he will kill or seriously injure you.

At 14 he does get a say in where he lives so there isn’t much you can do if he has chosen to live with his Dad.

I am sure he will get back in contact with you, but it must be awful right now.

If he was to move back in, he would need support to manage his anger. You could contact social services now to explain the situation so help can be lined up if he should come back.

In the meantime I would contact your GP or a local low cost service for some counselling. This is an abusive relationship and I think some help to process that and lean how to value and protect yourself would be useful. Of course you love your son, but being used as a punch bag is not normal. Keep sending your son messages so he knows you love him, but right now I don’t think he can live with you.

I'm so sorry to read about the awful treatment from your son and that you are missing him. That is natural, but his treatment of you is not. You must deal with this now, as it will become steadily worse at he gets older and he may seriously injure you, or even kill you.

He treats you like he does because he doesn't respect you. I don't know how to get him to change a life time habit of treating you badly, but you need to change by putting in boundaries. As much as you miss him, please don't have him back and when you next see him, you need to be firmer with him and not try to appease him.

Can you try to find help with dealing with his abuse?

I took my son to the doctors when he was only little and all they said was he is just naughty , they don’t really help much . I even enrolled myself into ppp classes for 6 weeks (parenting classes) to see if I could get some ideas for help from that . He has everything, he’s even got a games room here with a huge projector honestly I work so hard so he can have a good life and he treats me like this it really hurts . He said he “might” come home if we can forget it , in text a few weeks ago , I said I want an apology to my face and for him to promise he’s not going to do it again but since then as I stated before he now says he wants to stay with his dad and not see me at all . I’ve done everything for him and it just hurts that I’m the one who does it all yet he wants to be with his dad instead . I miss him so much that it is making me physically sick

Gosh OP, I’m so sorry. Has he ever been seen by CAMHS? I’ll have a think and come back to this thread. I didn’t want to read and run. Google child to parent violence, it’s more common than you think.

I'm so sorry if this comes across as blunt OP, but he could have killed you. He is a danger to you and it is best that he stays with his father. It sounds like you have done all you can to give him a good upbringing but he does have another parent and unfortunately he has turned out just like him.

You say your son is all you have, you need to find something for yourself, maybe something that can take you out of the house in the evenings. Any hobbies you have ever wanted to try?

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you need to have this time apart. If nothing else hopefully it will reset his behaviour. If he doesn't lash out at anybody else then you know he is able to control his actions, and chooses to hurt you.

His absence hurts, but the pain could be worse.

1. he hurts you physically - that pain has to stop
2. he actually causes a real injury to you - and could even kill you. If you ignore what that does to you, this will cause him to get a criminal conviction and destroy his life.

For both your sakes you NEED this time apart.

But, he doesn't get to have it all ways. All his stuff that you have bought for him? It stays at your house.

When he learns to be civil and treat you with respect FOR A DECENT AMOUNT OF TIME (not just for a couple of meetings) you can start to move forward. And I mean start, don't just let him move back in because he says sorry, hugs you and says he will behave better. He has to prove it over a sustained period of time.

I think you're a wonderful mum to want him back after how he's treated you. I'm not sure I would after the things he's done.

At the moment, being at his dad's is probably safest for both of you. I wouldn't be asking him to come back as then you're giving him the power in the relationship. I would message him every night something like 'I hope you've had a lovely day. I love you. Good night xx' so that he knows you're thinking about him but he can't gloat that he's getting his own way because you're not telling him that the situation is bothering you. He may not reply but when he, hopefully, matures a bit he might realise that you have always been there for him no matter what he's done.

Sorry, I can't remember if you said he's still attending school. If so I would ask for a meeting with his head of year, tell them exactly what's been happening and ask that you be kept informed of any information you need like school reports so that everything is not just sent to dad. They might be able to help with referral to extra services for your son.

I think you need more help from professionaĺ services. The people who you did the parenting classes with, or the local authority team to help families. They will have a worker who can hep unpick everything as it sounds quite complex.

You sound like you are trying your best; you havent done anything wrong at all. Sorry it's been so tough for you.

Oh OP, i wish I could give you a giant cuddle of the most unmumsnetty nature.

And then be very blunt and tell you you're in an abusive relationship with your child and you need help.

You have given this child everything and it's absolutely wonderful of you but start scaling back now.

He feels embarrassed of his treatment of you however fucking tough, he should be deeply ashamed of himself and letting him ignore that feeling of shame allows him to continue this behaviour, not just towards you but towards future partners.

He sounds extremely troubled and needs professional help, seek as many outside agencies as you possibly can, get advice from the social workers on here, talk to his school.
His dad is a write off it would seem.

He needs your help but not through giving him all you can financially or through this huge abundance of love you clearly have for him, but he needs and quickly lots of therapeutic intervention.

He could hurt you really seriously.
He could end up hurting another person.
He could end up in prison or at the end of an angry retaliation if he continues this path and it does fall solely on you to get him on a better track, but you simply can't without professionals.

I wish you all the luck in the world and if you ever need a friend my inbox is open x

From an outsiders view in,

Seems he is taking advantage of your unconditional love for him. He knows you'll do anything for him and sees you feel guilty somehow about his dad. So his emotionally manipulating you to get what he wants. Even physically, purely for power and control.

He knows you'll give in regardless, he always has this card of 'I'll go to dad otherwise' and he knows how much that'll hurt you.

Advise.

Put you foot down.

Take control and say he not allowed back. His behaviour is outrageous. Have him remorseful, let him see he will lose his good life with you, and you!
Have zero contact with him. Till he apologies!
He needs you more then you need him, remember that and be firm.

He won't stop loving you, he may learn you have limits and he needs to respect you.
He'll always return to you, have faith in that. You are his mum and his dad can't take that from you. On this occasion try and turn the table around.

Much love,
hope your ok

I just want to say thankyou to everyone , I was so scared to write about this , I thought people would blame me as a mum . But I’ve really really tried my best with him . I’m so scared he is going to end up like his dad with no job or respect for anyone , I am not like that and it hurts to see him like it . I was going to go round there on Friday with my grandad to see if we could all talk to see what we can do . All I want is a cuddle and him to be here with me I feel like part of mr is missing without him . I just don’t understand why he only does it to me

@Danni88xx I think you're the target as mums often are for this because as PP pointed out, you love him unconditionally.

Please do seek help with this, it's not your fault at all it's clear this isn't a problem just because he's a teenager now.
He clearly is struggling and sometimes love alone can't save the day if he needs to work on his anger and impulse control.

Just to yet again reiterate, not your fault at all and please seek help. X

What a horrendous time you have had with your son.

please leave him where he is - I suspect he will continue to abuse you fir the rest of your life

he sounds like a vile bully (sorry) and he should stay with his father

Please call the police everytime he attacks you going forward

I think he's manipulating you. As someone has already said, he has no respect for you as he knows you'll forgive anything and want him home. Maybe he will change when he grows-up.

Take the time to care for yourself, don't beg him to come home. Stay in touch, but don't be needy or over the top. I expect when he thinks you are happy and aren't desperate for him to come back he will come running, but that may not be the best for you.

If he turns out like his dad then it's probably in his genes and nothing you can do will prevent that coming through. You can only lead by example and hope that as he matures he will want a life more like yours than like his dad's.

Thankyou it just hurts so much and I can’t concentrate on anything atm , he’s all I can think about and it’s breaking me , I feel like there’s nothing left for me without him

I get being upset, but to say there is nothing left of you without him? That's too much. That is a hell of a lot to put on a child. They cannot be your all for you. You have to be able to let go and not be so enmeshed. Perhaps some of his behaviour is a result of that? Trying to push you away to get space?

You need to get therapy.

The therapy should be focused on how to get over the toxic relationship your son has subjected you to.

So far, your approach has been to shower your child with privileges and expensive toys (games room, projector, screen). You need to move past your instinct to make him the centre of your life and put up with psychopathic behaviour.

Call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

You have been treated very badly by your ex and your son has picked up his attitude. Has your ex been explicitly bad mouthing you to the son?

Stop messaging him. Stop looking emotionally needy.

Spend the money you've put aside for your son on therapy for yourself.

DO NOT go to where he's living with your grandad to beg and grovel and plead with him to come back.

Stop trying to contact him.

Your instincts here need a massive reset.

Get therapy. Look up licensed counselors and use all that money you've put aside to pay for it.

Not sure why you're apologising to your son. He clearly doesn't respect you. I understand you miss him but with time he will be in contact with you again.

You really shouldn't put up with such violence from your son.

Fundamental you're relationnship with your teenage needs to change and it be a good idea to seek therapy. Doing it slowly and hopefully understand why he is behaving this way towards you and hopefully stopping it.

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this. My DD is very much the same, although a couple of years younger. Lone parent, and every service I've reached out to has sidelined me. There is an ASD referral finally being put through, but a years waiting list minimum after that's processed. I already have CPTSD as a result of the abuse I endured as a child and also at the hands of her (long absent) father, I've been dealing with DD's behaviour and reporting it asking for help since 2017. It is utterly soul destroying. I feel for you and hope things get better

If at all possible you need support in the form of therapy. Your relationship with DS is very disfunctional as you will do anything to keep him close and that vulnerability means he is free to abuse you. In many ways it's the relationship of a parent and an angry toddler. The difference of course is that he's 14, powerful and dangerous. Now is the time for you to start protecting yourself and you'll need support to do this.

You love your DS and are a hardworking, loyal, generous parent but you are doing him a disservice if you allow him to behave like a child. You have put your foot down and now you must stand your ground. His behaviour is unacceptable. Don't tolerate it, even though it pains you to be apart from him.

Perhaps this is a good time for him to be away for a while so you can think about your own needs. You sound like a brilliant person and you are young with a lot of life ahead. I expect it's been a long time since you've thought about who you are what you would like (apart from to care for your son) but now would be a good time for you to imagine a different future. Your situation now is horrible and exhausting but perhaps it can also be the beginning of a change. Do get support so you can think these things through.

Sounds much like PDA - have you looked into this OP?