My 14 year old son hurts me

[Danni88xx]

This is so embarrassing but here we go …… I have split with my sons father when my son was only 2 years old , so I’ve done everything myself for him . His dad has always been involved as in seeing my son 2 nights a week so I can’t say anything bad about that as he has always had a relationship with him . My son has always got angry and takes it out on me , when he was little it was biting me and kicking me as he got older it’s been getting worse as in pushing me down stairs , pushes me over , hits me , this last time 4 weeks ago he threw my coffee all over the car , swerved my steering wheel and smashed my windscreen from the inside by punching the rear view mirror . I had to call the police this time as I’ve had enough of it and when he’s like that I can do anything to calm him down . He ONLY does it to me ( never done this to his dad ) he does as he’s told for his dad but if he doesn’t want to do as I say he just won’t and there is nothing I can do . I’ve taken things off him in the past all the usual grounding ect . He said he is going to live with his dad and his dad picked him up and now I have not seen him for 4 weeks . It’s absolutely killing me , I keep breaking down and I feel physically sick . He is all I have and I just want him to come home . His dad is selling his flat so he’s moved back in with his mum and dad . My sons dad hasn’t worked a day in his life , he lives off his mum and dad still at 34 years old , he hasn’t got my son to apologise to me for what he has done & he ignores my calls and messages all the time . He’s only ever paid £30 a week child maintenance which I pay in to an account for my son for when he’s older but he pays as and when and he hasn’t paid any of it for about 5 months he does it all the time . When he does pay he gives it to my son to give to me even though I have told him to stop doing that so many times . He’s very opinionated which my son picks up on everything and copies him. My son hasn’t called , he reads my watts app messages and ignores me . It’s awful . I feel like his dad is more his friend and it’s scary that he’s with him so much as I know it’s not going to be good for my sons future. I work so hard , for everything I have and my son and it annoys me his dad takes him here there and everywhere when he doesn’t work and he’s some super hero . I just don’t know what to do , I’m so broken and I’m petrified my son won’t come home .

Op this is very serious. I know you love and miss your son but his brain hasn't finished growing yet. This makes him vulnerable to impulsivity, a certain degree of callousness, and to being easily influenced. Please call this organisation for advice:

https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/

The police have reported a huge increase in child to parent abuse during the pandemic, so please know that you are not alone, and don't be too embarrassed to reach out for help. Your particular situation needs expert help or you could end up seriously hurt.

You sound enmeshed. You need help (counselling etc). You'll never be able to put boundaries into your relationship with your son otherwise.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this op. I agree with other posts that time apart is the safest option. I definitely think you should get him referred to cahms.

When dd1 was 11 she went through a phase for about 8 months where she was violent with me. She didn't behave like that with anyone else and my husband, parents and in-laws thought I was making it up or exaggerating the behaviour. One day I managed to video her which showed everyone what I was dealing with.

We got help from the GP who referred her to cahms, and a family support worker who worked with her at home and also at school. She is almost 14 now and sometimes she lashes out at me but nothing like what your son is doing to you. For dd1 she bottles everything up until it all comes out in anger when something is the final straw.

I think therapy would do you both good, I also agree with others that have said he shouldn't be all of you, you need to figure out who you are and work on finding things you enjoy that is just for you.

You need more time away from him OP.

You are in an abusive relationship and no matter how much this hurts your heart it is good for your physical health.

Sorry I wasn’t putting that on him , I was just saying it here that I feel he’s all I have . I just feel alone without him as it’s always been me and him x

Stay strong 💪

Please seek help. Its great you've posted here.
There is lots of excellent advise on here.
Please use the links for further support.

Help yourself and it'll help your son too.

Wish you well x

Totally agree with this.

He will fall out with his dad soon enough btw. I'm sure of it. You definitely need some help professionally though. Would talking to social services help?

Lots of love xxx

I feel like you need to get your power back. Don't grovel! You've stated your terms. He needs to acknowledge he did wrong and apologise. He knows that, so leave him to think it over.

Suppose the unthinkable happens and he refuses to apologise for putting both your lives in danger by attacking you when driving. So he stays at his Dad's house doing nothing. Fine. Build up your relationships and life to cope. Because otherwise, you're telling him that you accept his violence, that it's okay. It isn't. This is not just between you and him, but you're also teaching him how to be in his future relationships. It's Important!

If you chase a dog it will keep running. And that’s exactly what you are doing.

Your son loves his control over you and doesn’t have an ounce of respect for you.

The fact is he’s got his father’s ugly traits and not your kind ones.

He will get worse as he gets older and stronger.

I think you should leave him where he is for your own physical safety.

At the very least he must apologise to you, and only then be very slowly reintroduced into your life, if you really want him to.

This must be on your terms, or what’s going to happen to you the next time?

I think you need some real help. If I was you I’d have sent him to his dad a long long time ago. And I certainly wouldn’t be begging him to come back and let you be his punching bag again. You’re basically telling him it’s absolutely fine to abuse you and control you. I’d leave him where he is and try to rebuild your confidence and life. And when he realizes it’s not all that and asks to comes back I’d refuse and say unfortunately it isn’t safe but you can build a relationship from a safe distance.

I’ve said this recently but too many people don’t talk about child to parent abuse because it’s seen as shameful. You should never have tried to tolerate this. You don’t have to accept any treatment because it’s your child and you love them. He sounds like a horrible abusive person if we’re bluntly honest.

So an update, I have not seen my son for nearly 8 weeks now . It’s killing me . He ignores all my texts , but I have finally got one reply . “ you always say you want me to be happy , and I’m happy here “ so he’s not coming home and doesn’t want to see me anymore . I feel like a failure and miss him so much

What sort of txts have you been sending him? It sounds like he's defending wanting to stay with his dad, so have you been asking him to come home?

Try to accept that's where he wants to live, and try to rebuild the relationship with things like lunches or some activities together, with absolutely no pressure from you to move back to your place. You need to spend time together, with no pressure.

It may well be that he never moves back to yours and you have to learn to be ok with that.

Empty nest syndrome is a killer
BUT
There is light at the end of the tunnel
You get your life back
A chance to do things you been putting on the back burner.
And discover new interests.
But for you more importantly , developing more mature / adult relationships with your children
(I still miss the little people my children used to be )
Your son is correct when he says that you want him to be happy and he is happy.
So as pp above says it's time to build a new sort of relationship with no pressure to move back.

Lunches is good
Accept his choices.
Keep it light and above all don't try and buy him back.
Keep strong boundaries.

Nothing to add really except I hope you are OK and be kind to yourself OP.

Maybe do something nice for yourself this weekend, do your hair, catch up with a friend and go out for a drink perhaps.

I think it's good that you are getting a break from your son. You know that sooner or later he'll regret the way he's treated you. He and his dad together are not going to work out long term. You're right to insist on an apology but from now I think you shouldn't beg him to come home. Play it cool, send positive texts showing you're having a nice time without him. You could say "Miss you, Mum x" at the end of your messages but don't plead with him. He's had too much power over you and that has to switch before he can (safely) come home.

Think of it this way - you want to protect yourself from harm but you also need to protect him from causing harm. Imagine what would happen if you'd died when he pushed you downstairs? He'd be in court and facing a lengthy sentence. You know he won't hit his dad or grandparents. He focuses on you (his safe place). I wouldn't let him come home until I saw a real change in him. I think I'd insist on some sort of counselling for him, too, before he came home.

In the meantime think of this as a very welcome break.

Oh and if your ex wants money, give him £30 pw - he clearly thought that was enough for you to manage on.

He’s not gone forever- just until he matures a bit and can acknowledge his unacceptable behaviour.

Meantime wish him all the best at his dad. Tell him he can contact you for a meet up (not to move back), anytime. Then back right off. Fill your time, get new hobbies, keep busy.

I know your heart is breaking but this is for the best at the moment.

Sounds like he’s trying to wind you up to get a reaction. Please don’t reply to further texts like that. It doesn’t warrant it. Drop the rope and do something nice for yourself.

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You must be devastated.

Please know that you will have a relationship with your son in the future. What that looks like depends on many things, but can be influenced strongly by what you do now.

Please do look into the advice and links from PP about child to parent violence. The more you can learn and understand about this, the better you'll be able to support your son to adulthood and a positive relationship between the two of you.

Your son will be doing this for complex reasons no-one on this thread will understand (but spoiler alert, they aren't because he's a waster / bully / like his dad). Factors that lie behind child to parent violence range from mental health, substance abuse, experience of past trauma, learning difficulties and many more.

He won't have been able to control the outburst and will now be feeling a massive sense of shame, which is intolerable to him and he has hidden it behind a shield of anger (towards you or the world) without knowing it. This is very common. Therefore he can't face you, and believes he's angry with you/happy with his dad/whatever.

At some point he will be able to face you/what he's done to you, and it's important that he can see you as the safe person with unconditional love for him that you've always been, in order for you to help him overcome this terrible spiral he's in. So just accept this, stop any pleading messages or conditions, and simply let him know you love him and you look forward to seeing him when he feels ready

Once trust between you is there - you're the adult so it starts with understanding from you (which isn't the same as condoning the behaviour) - then you can help him access the help he needs. And he definitely does need help.

In the meantime, read up on CPV and join a parents support group, you'll feel so much less alone. You haven't failed at all, and you have the power to change his life (and yours) massively for the better.

Good luck OP

The answer to that message should be 'great son, I'm glad you're happier now, that makes me happy too. Lots of love, Mum.'
And that is that.
Go live your life. You are finally free of the violence and aggression in your own home. Hoorah!
He'll always be your son, no matter what. When he has grown up a bit he may realise what he has done. In the meantime, show him you deserve respect by cracking on with your life, filling it full of stuff for you and being happy. It is much, much better for him that he is not in your home, demeaning and physically abusing his own mother. It goes without saying that it is far better for you, he could have killed you.
All the best

Excellent post 👍

Maybe he's happier because he isn't hurting you. You don't say he liked hurting you and teens aren't known for their ability to apologise easily.

My friend went through this and her DD came home after 8 months.

What she did was take advice that was to not text constantly and just send a text every Sunday along the lines of "hope you've had a good week. I've done x y and z. I'm meeting x next week for coffee. Enjoy next week. Mum"

The whole idea being they feel less pressured if they don't feel responsible for your happiness and that without them you feel nothing.

This.

he is a violent teenage thug - don’t assume he has SEN - he might but don’t make excuses.

you’re ex is vile too and controlling - giving your son the money and not insisting on respect for you

draw your boundaries, therapy, new security system - ring door bell etc

concentrate on you, your hobbies - your interests.

this is not something you are responsible for or can control.

Totally agree with this.

I completely understand that you love your ds to “ bits” and I can’t imagine how horrible it is for you to be living without him just now.
Your ds has a lot of maturing still to do . At this age they are beginning to try to pull away from being dependant. Your very close relationship might be something he resents just now. But hopefully when he is older he will be able to understand how much you have done for him. Relationships with adult children are often much less fraught than those same relationships during the teenage years.
BUT - the physical abuse is very definitely crossing a line and it’s very important for both of you - and for any future relationships he might have -that you are rigid about this . You have to stick very clearly to the fact that although you love him , aggression is not acceptable and won’t be tolerated. It’s better that he stays with his dad unless this stops. If you respect yourself he will be more likely to respect you. Don’t fall into the trap of feeling that you have to do whatever it takes to make him happy - that might work short term but will back fire in the longer term. It’s about loving him enough to put your own need to have him around aside and making sure that he gets the message that he cannot be physically abusive to anyone . That will cause immediate pain but will be so much better for both your futures.

I'm afraid your unconditional love is what made him how he is now. From the first day he raised his hand to you that's when you needed to have nipped it in the bud. There is absolutely no excuse for anyone let alone your child to behave like that with you.
Your son is with his father . Where he should have been from day one. You need to understand that your life and his life doesn't revolve around worshiping the ground he walks on. Find a deeper, more meaningful purpose to life. He is a young adult and has made his decisions.
Time for you to make some too.