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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Waiting up for them to get home...

37 replies

SlightlyJaded · 13/04/2023 02:58

DD 17 is out at a party. I know who she is with (I think!) and she has her 'locations' on but I still can't bloody sleep till she is home. Same with her DB

DH can fall asleep with a wave of his hand and a 'she'll be fine' - but I just can't.

This is a particularly late one and we've just had a text battle which culminated in her reminding me she is an adult in 3 weeks and is with a group of girls she hasn't seen for ages. She has been revising reasonably hard and is having a night off. They are a good group - I know their mums etc, but it's not helping.

In reality there is no reason for her to have a curfew tonight other than the fact that I can't sleep.

And sometimes when I think logically, I wonder if it really is any more dangerous coming home at 2am (one of the girls lives on the next road so will be together for almost entire journey) than 11:30pm when pubs and stuff turn out.

I think my questions are: Does anyone have any suggestions on how to make this work for both of us?

And, is my not being able to sleep a good enough reason to impose a curfew?

OP posts:
HappiDaze · 13/04/2023 03:06

Like she says she's nearly 18

It's normal for us to be worried and not sleep as parents when this happens

As for a curfew absolutely not as it's not her fault you get worried and can't sleep

FictionalCharacter · 13/04/2023 03:11

It would be completely unreasonable to impose a curfew just because you’re worried. Don’t make her feel guilty - it’s a normal teenage thing to have nights out and your anxiety is no reason to spoil it for her in any way (including telling her you’re worried!)

FanSpamTastic · 13/04/2023 03:18

It's normal for her to want to stay out and it's also normal for you to worry until she is home.

I have two daughters. My thing was to leave on the landing light and go to bed - the girls had to turn the light off when they came in. I would go to bed and doze, but would wake up frequently until I saw the light was off.

Summer2424 · 13/04/2023 03:41

Hi @SlightlyJaded i wasn't given a curfew at 17 yrs old, i would stay out with friends, boyfriend or a party till quite late. Honestly i got it all out of my system as i didn't have a curfew, by the time i was 19 yrs old i didn't like going out out anymore, i was kind of done with that phase. My friends who had curfews still go out in their 30's because they didn't have the freedom when they were younger.

YellowGreenBlue · 13/04/2023 03:46

No, I'm afraid you not being able to sleep isn't a good reason to have a curfew as it's not her fault. She sounds like a good kid so you don't want to alienate her. I'm not sure how you make yourself go to sleep though!

Herbiebanannas · 13/04/2023 03:49

You at u reasonable to consider giving her a curfew, and you are unreasonable to have been texting her and spoiling her night.

shutthewindownow · 13/04/2023 04:39

My twin girls are 18 in 3 weeks and I wouldn't dream of making them come home. You have done all you can to make her safe and you have to learn to switch off. I know it's hard but you have to let them grow up and they are adults now they will learn from mistakes they make along the way. Have your phone next to your bed but try and sleep I'm sure she is fine It's probably easier for me as mine are always together but I do understand it's very hard the hardest age so far I think !

Cascais · 13/04/2023 04:46

Of corse it’s not

Cascais · 13/04/2023 04:46

*course

Nimbostratus100 · 13/04/2023 04:54

My thing was always to have a stack of money available in a downstairs drawer, so I knew where ever they were they could always get a taxi home at any time and have the money to pay for it when they arrived - it was quite a big initial outlay, about £150, but it was only ever used about twice in 10 years, I think

I agree, coming home at 4 is probably safer than coming home at 11! even later, and you start to be passing early morning commuters

I think you just get used to it eventually - aftrer the first few hundred nights, when no harm has come to anyone.. I dont worry now like I did a few years ago, even when they frequently dont come home at all, and I just get a text about 5 saying decided to sleep over in some freinds house, see you lunchtime...!

I have the hall light on for them too, and doze, and wake to see if the light is on or off.

You have my sympathy, I used to hate those long worried night too, but you can't set a curfew for your own sake, at this stage.

merrymelodies · 13/04/2023 05:29

My DC are late teens / early 20s, living at home, and of course I don't impose a curfew yet I can't sleep until I know they're home (unless staying at a friend's) and they know this. It's a source of tension.

DoughnutDreams · 13/04/2023 05:45

If she's going to university then in five months you won't have a clue who or where she is with. This is a good, safe opportunity to allow her to self regulate knowing you are close if needed. Also a good opportunity for you to start allowing her to take on that responsibility. It's a constant negotiation with young adults but you won't do any favours by making unreasonable demands.

Wish her an enjoyable evening and let her know you can be woken up if needed. Arrange some kind of code such as turning the light off or leaving keys on the worktop so you know whether she's home in the morning and go to sleep.

HPFA · 13/04/2023 05:46

I'm exactly the same, I'm on holiday at the moment and it's actually really great not knowing what's going on back home!
I've said to DD "you're an adult, you don't have to tell me what you're doing but I do really appreciate it when you let me know what's happening or if you're going to be late". So far it seems to have worked well.

HalftimeRain · 13/04/2023 05:57

I don’t think the worry ever really stops but a curfew would be unreasonable.

My son is 19, he’s very sensible but I still worry and feel relieved when I know he’s home safe. He’s off on another lads holiday abroad in a few months, I’ll worry, but no doubt he’ll be fine. I’ll probably worry even more when it’s my daughter. My partner does worry too although we do both manage to sleep.

People say the toddler stage is hard but at least you knew where they were!

Try to rest. 💐

CalistoNoSolo · 13/04/2023 09:06

You need to let go I'm afraid, otherwise you'll drive both of you mad and potentially damage your relationship with her.

I have a Dd the same age and I've told her that until exams are over then I would like her home at a reasonable hour, but that it's flexible and she needs to let me know. We agreed 1am then she texts me an eta if its going to be later. Would this work for you and your DD?

CalistoNoSolo · 13/04/2023 09:08

To add, that's just a normal night out, parties is different, but because of where we live they all need to drive/get lifts so it's actually less of a worry.

DancingWithTheMoonlitKnight · 13/04/2023 09:09

Unreasonable to impose a curfew and even more unreasonable to have a text battle.

Gherkingreen · 13/04/2023 09:17

No help really, but I sleep much better when DS, 19, is away at uni. When he's at home and goes out we ask him for a rough ETA and if that's likely to change, a quick WhatsApp to let us know.
He's sensible (ish!) and if there was a problem he knows he can call us any time for help.
But yep, it tough as a parent and perfectly normal to worry. However it's really important our DCs know we trust them and for them to have fun and freedom as young adults - just like we did.

MuddledMindy · 13/04/2023 09:19

I'm the same, I have two teens 18 and 16. No curfews ever imposed, I ask them to let me know where they are but they rarely do. Luckily I can see where they are but that does not stop me worrying and waking frequently to check when they are on nights out. My H is the same, gets in bed, sleeps and wouldn't even think to keep waking to see if they are home.
I realise this is a 'me' problem and I don't have any solutions I'm afraid but please be aware that you aren't the only one. I dread to think what I'll be like on their first holiday away with mates and I'm the same in the week with my eldest who is now driving! The worry never ends.

mumonthehill · 13/04/2023 09:33

I was the same! We eventually came up with not a curfew but a time when I could contact to check in. So ds would say I will be in no later than 2am. If it got later than that then i would check in. It very rarely happened but it meant i did not need to worry before that and I did sleep better.

Comefromaway · 13/04/2023 09:40

I'm afraid you are unreasonable to give her a curfew, it's the Easter holidays and you know she is with people. At her age my daughter was living in lodgings as she attended college 40 miles away so we had no jurisdiction.

Saying that I do give ds aged 18 a curfew when he is home from uni but only because he is b**y hopeless and never remembers to take his key with him so expects us to let him in (and the dog goes loopy)! When he does have his key it is up to him but he always lets me know roughly what time he is expected back.

Skybluepinky · 13/04/2023 10:03

It’s just another joys of being a parent, u stress so can’t sleep and they can’t understand y u just don’t go to sleep.
No idea y u got into a text argument as it’s yr issue not hers.
Try to put rules in place, as in she tells u when she will be home don’t argue about the time, if she is going to be late she needs to contact u, messenger is good for that as it won’t wake the household up. U say if she is 15 mins late and hasn’t let u know u will ring her if she doesn’t reply u will go looking for her.

Isheabastard · 13/04/2023 10:12

Everyone is right you can’t give her a curfew because you can’t sleep. There are some good suggestions here.

we all worry about our teenagers navigating those first few years.

Ref safety getting home. I drilled into her that I would rather she get a taxi than walking home. We only lived a 10 minute walk from the town centre, so walking would always seem an easy option. I used to give her £20 and tell her to keep in her purse as taxi money only.

Then I reckoned she was spending it, so started leaving a £20 note under the door mat, so it would be easier for her to convince the taxi driver she wasn’t doing a runner.

From the time she started going to parties and though underage I knew it was likely someone would bring booze. I told her that if things ever got out of hand, or she was feeling uncomfortable, she could ring home and I would come and get her (or send a taxi), and no questions asked.

We would then discuss the next day what went wrong and how she could spot the signs and what she could do next time. (She only ever asked for this twice)

I also bought a breathalyser. I had the idea she could check herself the next day before driving home if it had been a late one. That didn’t take off.

Then finally I asked her to text me when she got home at night. Much like the landing light, it meant I could go to sleep but would often half wake until I got the text. She would tell me if she was going to be staying over and would text me when she woke.

I also talked to her often about learning to drink is a skill to be learned a bit like learning to drive a car. I never encouraged her to drink, but I knew peer pressure is stronger at this age.

Original poster
SlightlyJaded · 13/04/2023 12:09

Thank you all. Unilateral view that I can't impose my issues on her.

I will step back. I am really not - and never have been - a helicopter, overbearing parent, this is the one sticking point because no matter how much I reason with myself, I cannot sleep till she is through the door - not even doze. But as you ALL pointed out, this is my problem, not hers.

She has an Uber account linked to DH's card for late really late nights/difficult journeys and we are in London so multiple night bus/tube options.

One check in after 2am is a good idea. Will see if she us up for that.

Thanks all

OP posts:
OMGitsnotgood · 13/04/2023 12:19

i've been there. Sounds like she is responsible eg having her locations on - that definitely brings peace of mind.and is important for her own safety i never used to be able to sleep but over time could. i asked that they texted me when home (so if i dozed off, didn't hear them come in, then woke at 5am i could see there was a text without having to get up to check so more chance of getting back off to sleep.)Also if they decide to stay at a friend's they should text and let you know. DD and pals often shared a cab back to one house then crashed there - probably safer than one left on their own in a cab. A text at 2am is also a fair request or whenever it gets later than the time the g said they were coming home.

whilst you don't want to come across as controlling, if they are living with you it is perfectly acceptable to ask for their respect, and in return we have to respect their need to be young adults out enjoying themselves. Good luck!

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