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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Waiting up for them to get home...

37 replies

SlightlyJaded · 13/04/2023 02:58

DD 17 is out at a party. I know who she is with (I think!) and she has her 'locations' on but I still can't bloody sleep till she is home. Same with her DB

DH can fall asleep with a wave of his hand and a 'she'll be fine' - but I just can't.

This is a particularly late one and we've just had a text battle which culminated in her reminding me she is an adult in 3 weeks and is with a group of girls she hasn't seen for ages. She has been revising reasonably hard and is having a night off. They are a good group - I know their mums etc, but it's not helping.

In reality there is no reason for her to have a curfew tonight other than the fact that I can't sleep.

And sometimes when I think logically, I wonder if it really is any more dangerous coming home at 2am (one of the girls lives on the next road so will be together for almost entire journey) than 11:30pm when pubs and stuff turn out.

I think my questions are: Does anyone have any suggestions on how to make this work for both of us?

And, is my not being able to sleep a good enough reason to impose a curfew?

OP posts:

RomanticizingHeroine · 13/04/2023 14:41

One check in after 2am is a good idea. Will see if she us up for that

I wouldn't be asking her, I'd be telling her. DD is 18 and whilst she's living at home I want some idea where she is. No curfew but a rough idea of when she'll be back and if she's staying out later or going back to boyfriend's she lets me know.

It's just common courtesy.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/04/2023 14:45

we are in London so multiple night bus/tube options

OMGI thought you were out in the middle of the sticks!

What on earth are you worrying about? She needs to learn to be independent and that if she's worried, that she can call you.

Not to learn that you will be constantly hovering around by the back door. You are being very unreasonable (and suffocating).

Teach her how to look after herself and how to be independent. Not paranoid.

mathanxiety · 13/04/2023 15:36

How to make this work for both of you is to stop expecting your daughter to pander to your anxiety and deal with it yourself in a healthy way.

How are you going to deal with this when she leaves for university?

Start today with a resolution that there will be no more text battles with your responsible, mature daughter about when she'll get home, whether she's safe, and any other anxiety triggers you thought she should manage for you. Apologise to her for spoiling her night out away from her studies. She deserves a sincere one.

If you tend to be anxious in general, a visit to your GP would be in order.

If it's just this one area that makes you lose your grip, then look into guided meditation, relaxation, or books on letting go and building trust in our older children's ability to make good decisions and in the fact that the big world out there is a benign and safe place 99.99 % of the time.

OMGitsnotgood · 13/04/2023 23:38

how old are your DC @mathanxiety ?

BreviloquentBastard · 13/04/2023 23:42

My daughter is 15 so I'm getting myself ready for this, and it's nail biting because I remember the kind of shenanigans I got up to at 15-16 on nights out and it fills me with dread... But I turned out ok in the end.

Let her spread her wings a bit, she'll be ok.

mathanxiety · 14/04/2023 04:29

@OMGitsnotgood
They are aged 32 down to 21 ( 5 DCs).

EllandRd · 14/04/2023 04:32

If she was away at Uni, you would be unaware what she gets up to or time she gets home. You need to relax.

BasiliskStare · 14/04/2023 05:00

@FanSpamTastic - I thought this was my secret thing but clearly you thought of it first. I never text or ask - but I do leave the landing light on so if I wake up I know everyone is home if the light is off

@SlightlyJaded The one thing I did is give DC some cash - not to be spent on anything else - taxi money & if not needed it went back in the pot for next time - taxi money. I know this was not the answer but it made me feel better that DC had it ( & I did trust them to to spend it because it was "special taxi money". ) This was probably more for my peace of mind than theirs. 😀I do realise taxis will take cards and DCs can have an Uber account but I was a bit old school .

Ultimately you have to trust them. Personally I would not expect a 2 am check in. All I would ask is a text or something if they were not coming back at all and staying over somewhere else.

I do somewhat agree with @mathanxiety that 99.999% of the time DCs will be fine. It is hard to not worry but with a bit of common sense most DCs can get themselves home. & actually , backup cab fare or knowing they can phone you in extremis - what more can you do. (Other than leaving the landing light on ) Doesn't stop me worrying but that's my problem. This is what a paper white kindle is for. 😂

LynetteScavo · 14/04/2023 06:49

I have a DD the same age. She's still 17, and not at uni yet, she's my responsibility and so of course I want to know where she is and will wait up until she's home. I really couldn't sleep if she was out, although DH will be happily snoring. With my DSs I relaxed a bit once they turned 18, as they were technically adults responsible for themselves. Or maybe I was just thinking exhausted from waiting up for them to come home when they were 17

If it's the occasional night out it's doable and you just have to suck it up- if it's every night and you're suffering from lack of sleep a 17yo does need to be given a curfew, IMO.

I get really irritated with a relative who complains about her toddlers waking her up in the night. I want to tell her at least she knows where her children are - I'd rather be woken up by toddlers than not be able to sleep because my teens were out having the time of their lives. It's a tough parenting stage IMO.

CrapBucket · 14/04/2023 06:55

I tried the landing light thing but DC leave it on anyway - now they text me when they are home. It gets easier as time goes on. And switching from 17 to 18 was brilliant. All of a sudden they are actually an adult so wherever they are, they are allowed to be there!

Original poster

SlightlyJaded · 14/04/2023 13:26

Gosh - lots of vitriol

FWIW I don't stress if she is staying with friends or away - festival, weekend with friends etc...And I will be fine when she goes off to Uni. It's just when I am 'responsible' for knowing she has got home safely. It's not entirely logical...

She has PLENTY of freedom - her wings are not clipped. She has travelled abroad alone with a friend, she goes to festivals, parties, weekends away. She got trains and overnight accomodation to visit some Uni's when i couldn't join her because of work. She is not on a tight leash. It's just this one thing.

And yes, we are in London - so easy to get around - but comes with its own challenges and arseholes. Also - not to drip feed, but DD is a bit of a party girl, so I am not being a complete twat to worry about her.

But have made a promise to myself to not impose my stress on her. Thanks for suggestions.

OP posts:

Original poster

SlightlyJaded · 14/04/2023 13:28

Thank you @LynetteScavo - your post resonates with me

OP posts:

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