Old boyfriend is back Arghhhh

[mumofblu]

I posted regularly last year about my Dd , now 15 and her relationship with a boy in her school . They were a nightmare together . He comes from a troubled family , dad apparently drug dealer , dv , mum single parent of 3 and working , probably exhausted so boy left to own devices a lot .
I let them hang out here last year but the stress of their behaviour , underage , unprotected sex in our home , arguments, his behaviour towards her , belittling behaviour , telling her she's stupid and trying to get me to join in with this against my own daughter , running away , hiding her at his friends .

I've seen conversations about her telling him off for smoking weed and taking coke .

My other child was struggling and we had support from school , SS and police .

They split up last may and everything calmed , she was upset and hasn't dated since . Now she tells me they are back together and he has changed .

They have been going for walks and her behaviour is no problem
I've told her that me and her dad will only be involved if we are concerned for her or her behaviour becomes disruptive like before .

This is a question for mums of boys particularly. Not a generalised assumption.
But would you expect a boy of 15 with this history with a girlfriends family to feel comfortable with coming back into the home .

When they had unprotected sex I let him back in but told him they were not allowed in her room ( they never were , she sneaked him in while I was in garage getting stuff for younger ) I only found out because he told his friends mum before trashing her garden in anger because my Dd wouldn't get morning after .

Advice wanted please , they are both 15 , yes she is on birth control .

Just to add his behaviour at school is not good and regular exclusions , last one for derogatory language to female teacher
School teachers have advised her to stay away from him , she is very academic. And told us to keep a close eye on him from when they got together last year they have nothing good to say about him even advising us to get another six form when the time is right

She won't leave this school but we are looking at other six forms when the time comes

Why are you allowing her to see someone who abused her so badly?

I think your judgement is off here. She needs to be kept away from this boy. How you go about doing that may be tricky, but at 15 she's your responsibility and you cannot allow her to be with her abuser.

You need to make it clear to her that he is abusive. He was suspended from school because of remarks to a female teacher? So he has no respect for women and this is only going to get worse. You need to make her see that. Banning her from seeing him will be difficult and make her more likely to want to be with him. Is her own father a good role model? Maybe a comparison?

@beastlyslumber

We did everything we could last year
, told his parents , involved police , talked to her about our concerns , therapy , got social services and school involved , locked her in , removed privileges.
Services involved said we had done everything they would suggest

She plays 3 sports and volunteers so is busy

Wants a job but we can't get her one locally because she's under 16

She is 16 this year she has to make some decisions herself while having our watchful eyes on her .

If you can come up with an idea we haven't tried please let me know

My question was why would a boy with this history with us want to be in our house again ? He should hate us !

When he was trying to get you to join in against your own daughter - did you firmly put him in his place and tell him to stop being an abusive misogynist?

What will happen if you ban her? I imagine it will just make him more attractive. Can you distract her? Keep her busy so she doesn’t have as much time with him. I wouldn’t let him in your house if you don’t feel comfortable.

@sunflowerandivy

When he was trying to get you to join in against your own daughter - did you firmly put him in his place and tell him to stop being an abusive misogynist?

Yes I did
I told them both straight away that I didn't agree with what he said about her . I told her afterwards that I didn't like how I saw him being with her

You're asking the wrong question. And the answer to that is obvious. He has very little emotional maturity and has no love and stability in his life and your daughter is probably the only one who has shown him true love and affection and he needs that from someone but he's so broken he doesn't know how to have a relationship without perpetuating the cycle of abuse

Have you got family that lives a long way away she could stay with this summer?

@sunflowerandivy

Her father , my husband , is not like that at all

We have both talked to her about what a good relationship is , and why this isn't

She is infatuated and says he is different with her

I've talked about coercive control , abuse , his fathers behaviour to his mother not being ok

I'm exhausted but still holding on and involved

@sunflowerandivy

You're asking the wrong question. And the answer to that is obvious. He has very little emotional maturity and has no love and stability in his life and your daughter is probably the only one who has shown him true love and affection and he needs that from someone but he's so broken he doesn't know how to have a relationship without perpetuating the cycle of abuse

This is it exactly , thankyou for putting this so well

No family away

All local and very good support

You probably don't feature on his list. He probably doesn't see it as your home, it's his girlfriend's home. You are just someone who is also there. Teenagers are so ridiculously self involved. Also, if he's telling her he's changed then maybe he will just think that you will think he's the bees knees now, like this is a soap opera. Bad boy who has turned it around.

To me, it sounds like you have been doing and saying the right things,to her and honestly don't know what I would do in these circumstances. It's hard to know why she would put a low value on herself like that because she's doing well at school and she does things out of school.

Wow! are you a therapist/ counsellor? You may be spot on!

OP this is a worst nightmare. Somehow DDs self esteem is low and she doesn’t think she deserves any better? :( Maybe are like to be a ‘rescuer’?

Is she doing GCSEs this year? Boarding school until she’s finished those is the only thing I can think of!

It will fizzle out. She's on birth control, which is obviously important and she will grow out of him. It sounds like she's got a supportive understanding family so got a good grounding and one day she will realise the sun doesn't shine out of his arse.
Don't ban him from your house.
I would sit around the table with him and tell him what you think of him. Tell him you think he's an abuser. That his behaviour is abnormal. Remember, he thinks it's normal.

@sunflowerandivy

Thankyou again

After the up sex I sat him down and told him that I was angry it happened that they had disrespected our rules and it would not happen again

He closed his eyes , sucked his teeth and put his head on the table
She ran away that night and he hid her

I'm sure he does hate you and your daughter and he is looking for a way to exact revenge.

After everything you went through, how does your DD feel able to start seeing him again? He is surely gaslighting, manipulating and threatening her. Can you talk to her about the cycle of abuse, get her to do the freedom programme? At 15, yes, she needs to make some of her own decisions but if she is deciding to bring an abuser back into her life then she's clearly not mature enough. I would think about commandeering all her free time, checking her devices etc. And talking to her a lot about what kind of a boyfriend, life, future she wants. Does she have friends who could distract her from him? What's pushing her towards him?

Agree with @sunflowerandivy here but I do think "hold your friends close but your enemies closer" is key. I have teenagers including one defiant and headstrong one and to those saying 'just ban the boyfriend' it really isn't that easy - being too draconian can backfire (especially when young love is involved) and you could end up with a runaway or behaviour escalates as they join their so called mate/partner on the rampage.

I would be trying to get him round, talk to him about your expectations about relationships and how he treats your daughter (& you). This is clearly a troubled young man with no positive role models and I'm not saying you need to save him, but I do think you need to spell out to him what a healthy relationship looks like, what you will and won't put up with and that he is welcome in your home and family as long as he respects those rules but one strike and he's out and your daughter will not be seeing him again. Some praise about his 'turnaround' would be unexpected and I'm sure be a boost for him but appreciate this might stick given his past behaviour.
Good luck op I don't envy you .

My friend had this with her Dd 14/15. They drew boundaries but gritted teeth and remained friendly and positive to the boyfriend. It did get bad - she ran away overnight and there were quite hard drugs involved. Thankfully she out grew him dumped him and has had counselling about abusive relationships. She’s now 17 and back to normal friendly nice v feminist doing a levels part time job and v recently a nice boyfriend. She actually said recently she felt like she had gone mad for a while and is adamant there is nothing her parents could have done at the time to stop it.

@lechatnoir

to those saying 'just ban the boyfriend' it really isn't that easy - being too draconian can backfire (especially when young love is involved) and you could end up with a runaway or behaviour escalates as they join their so called mate/partner on the rampage.

Thankyou this is what I did last year and it's exactly what happened

We have been advised by social services and school explicitly not to let him in the house , so if we do and then ask for help they are going to say we have not followed their advice

I can't believe we are back here again

Thanku @TheaBrandt

Thus is exactly the scenario

While they were apart she said the same to me about her craziness last year

But I can see it happening again

She had counselling and the freedom approach was delivered in those sessions and 1:1 in school

She is definitely in rescue mode but is still too immature to see how all this information applies to her

I have decided to answer her request by example

I'm going to say this

" you know you said you don't like this ( another) boy because he is racist I'm really proud that you can stand by your opinions in this way . I'm the same , I don't like anyone who judges another as below them by name calling because of race , age or gender ( she will def agree with this ) .

You know I'm a feminist with strong views against misogyny ( I am ) I will always speak out against abuse against women and girls ( and anyone ) because of this I can't be silent .

So I can't be share my space with someone who believes a women teacher deserves to be called a whore . Because that is abusive . So my answer is no he can't come into the house .

Thoughts please ?

Whilst all of this is true, the problem here is that you're making it about you and your beliefs (which isn't wrong). Your daughter and her boyfriend will see you as 'the enemy'. I'd likely come at it from the perspective of the professionals advice (teachers, police and SS) and explain what they have advised you to do and the impact this boy being part of your lives will have when it will inevitably all go pear shaped (although don't tell her that!). She needs to think about what she wants in life and how she thinks she deserves to be treated. Express your concern for her, that you'll always be there for her and a safe place to come back to. It's really hard, but as you say, it's difficult to make a teenager see sense when love/infatuation is involved. I'm not sure if this would be right, but it's likely heading down the road of having to let her make these mistakes herself if she won't listen to reason.

@Shemovesshemoves21

I agree I am coming at it from my view

Last year we told her about what we had been told to do ( not let him in house ) she knows this and says I should think independently,

We let her make own decisions by telling her she can see who she likes outside the house and we won't get involved unless she runs away , turns location off , is at risk or needs our help .

This sounds so familiar to the problems my parents had with my younger sister. She met her first boyfriend when she was about 14. We come from a very fortunate background and sadly (mostly for him) he did not, and came along with a lot of baggage. My parents were welcoming from the start as they didn't want to treat their relationship any differently but his behaviour disintegrated and he fell into drug dealing, gang involvement and for a while did drag my sister into his lifestyle and did eventually become abusive. It was was really tough on my parents who had to make similar decisions to yourself on how to manage the situation without pushing my sister away.
He was banned from our house after police involvement following a particular incident, but in terms of my sister they always went down the route of 'kill it with kindness'. Always wanting to show her that whatever she did, she would always be welcomed home and provided for better than he ever could. There were boundaries in place of course, i.e. they provided her with a car which they insured, but the insurance required a tracker so they always knew where she was. My dad works abroad a lot so the house had security cameras anyway that she was aware of.
Sorry for the long post but I suppose what I wanted to say was it does get better! It took a few years but she eventually recognised it was an unhealthy relationship in her own time, with my parents' loving guidance...Honestly it was like the scales fell from her eyes overnight. Despite this formative relationship being potentially damaging she is now in a happy and healthy marriage with a new baby and has a great job. It is a really tough situation but it sounds like you're doing amazingly and just need to keep persevering. She will eventually realise the difference between 'real' love with your protection and safeguarding in the mean time.