Old boyfriend is back Arghhhh

[mumofblu]

I posted regularly last year about my Dd , now 15 and her relationship with a boy in her school . They were a nightmare together . He comes from a troubled family , dad apparently drug dealer , dv , mum single parent of 3 and working , probably exhausted so boy left to own devices a lot .
I let them hang out here last year but the stress of their behaviour , underage , unprotected sex in our home , arguments, his behaviour towards her , belittling behaviour , telling her she's stupid and trying to get me to join in with this against my own daughter , running away , hiding her at his friends .

I've seen conversations about her telling him off for smoking weed and taking coke .

My other child was struggling and we had support from school , SS and police .

They split up last may and everything calmed , she was upset and hasn't dated since . Now she tells me they are back together and he has changed .

They have been going for walks and her behaviour is no problem
I've told her that me and her dad will only be involved if we are concerned for her or her behaviour becomes disruptive like before .

This is a question for mums of boys particularly. Not a generalised assumption.
But would you expect a boy of 15 with this history with a girlfriends family to feel comfortable with coming back into the home .

When they had unprotected sex I let him back in but told him they were not allowed in her room ( they never were , she sneaked him in while I was in garage getting stuff for younger ) I only found out because he told his friends mum before trashing her garden in anger because my Dd wouldn't get morning after .

Advice wanted please , they are both 15 , yes she is on birth control .

@CuriousMoe

Thankyou so much
This is exactly our situation
I'm glad it worked out well for your sister and parents x

Your parents sound great. I dread this seeing what my lovely friend went through. V difficult parenting stage as the stakes are so high…

@CuriousMoe

You may not be able to answer this but were your parents honest with your sister about their concerns ?

We are also killing with kindness , making it so she wants to be with us rather than push her away .

But she wants to know why we won't let him back in and we are saying because that's what SS and police have told us to do .

It's really hard and extremely stressful

@mumofblu I hope you're DD gets her head around it sooner rather than later to save you the stress. I should have said as well that getting a job really helped my sister. It gave her some self-worth and showed her the opportunities that she had, especially as he was a few years older and had not showed any intention of ever working himself. When he starting trying to manipulate her out of her own hard earned cash it was a bit of a wake up call for her!

@TheaBrandt such a tough stage... they have the patience of saints... I am one of three girls so across our teens they had a good 15 year period when life was like a soap opera!

@mumofblu Sorry, missed this one as I was typing my other message. Yes, I recall them being very open with her once the issues started. The police were very involved after a stage and they also spoke to her directly and were very good.

I think it was a bit like talking to a brick wall for a while, but it must have sunk in somewhere even though it didn't feel like it at the time.

@CuriousMoe

@mumofblu Sorry, missed this one as I was typing my other message. Yes, I recall them being very open with her once the issues started. The police were very involved after a stage and they also spoke to her directly and were very good.

Police , social services and school as well as her friends parents have all encouraged her to break away from him . Behaviour wise she is good atm but he's a boy who does not trust adults and we have tried to be sympathetic to his dreadful home life while telling her the risks .

It's a very lonely place to be

Ugh. I remember your previous posts, I think. I wouldn’t want him in the house, but where will they go then? I’d let him come round, but only downstairs. Offer tea and chat. Kill with kindness, basically.

How awful. Is she on a reliable BC i.e. a coil vs the pill? Can you take her away for the summer holidays in a cheap air bnb somewhere to avoid him?

They go for walks , it's not an option for him to come in our house , he doesn't talk except stare at me , too intimidate me I think .

His parents don't want her around because I involved the police and they fong want them st their house

I have another child at home but we do go away for weekends often

Yes she's on injection and uses condoms

Is she doing her GCSEs this year? If she is and has the long summer break coming up I think I'd be looking into lots of breaks away (if budget will allow) so that she has physical distance from him whilst doing fun things.

I think the not allowing him in the house is good as if he can't even speak politely to you when you see him then he hasn't done anything to make you want him in your house. I'd explain this to DD and that the way he has treated her in the past makes me weary of letting him back around her home and that for now he isn't allowed in the house.

Also, maybe encourage her to invite girl friends around as much as possible as they probably view him the same way you do and she's likely to listen to her peers more about him being an abusive twat then she is from her parents.

@jellybe

Thankyou
He is so manipulative and he goes for her when he starts to see her getting on ok . She dropped all the friends last year and has just started reconnecting with them , going out and inviting them round . I predicted he would be back when he saw her having fun again and that's exactly what has happened .

It's shocking how a 15 year old can behave

@mumofblu Are her friends in the same social circle as him?

I was just chatting with my sister and she said that she found it hardest in the early stages because whilst her friends would try to warn her away from him, they still all socialised together. According to her it all started to dawn on her when her friends started to distance themselves from him and her by association so she become very lonely. At the same time she met her colleagues in her job who were adults that she really looked up to, but were totally separate from the situation, and they told her she was utterly bonkers to be anywhere near him. Sadly she was never able to get those friendships back and that is a big regret of hers.

Eventually the boy/man at this stage was arrested on very serious charges, which I can't give much detail on as it was reported in the news, but it was a real brush with fate for her that she happened to be away when it all happened as he used to use her to get lifts to and from his various 'meet ups', so she could have easily ended up 'at the scene' as it were, by accident, or even worse have got hurt. She saw that and realised that what everyone had been advising her had been right all along. We're now many years after this all happened and she still messages the family group often to double check what to do, even in quite simple situations, but she's still quite young (there's about a 10 yr age gap between us) and we couldn't be prouder of how she has changed her life around and keeps growing in confidence.

I really hope your DD sees all of this before it comes to anything as serious as that, it sounds like she is a bright girl with lots of her own interests so hopefully that will act as an anchor while she gets her head around it.

@CuriousMoe

I can't tell you how much I appreciate you sharing all of this with me .

No he is in her school but not same friendship group .

She is very isolated too because he throws her a lifeline and she grabs it because he love bombs her then mistreats her . Her friends have been getting close to her again while she's been single and I think that's why he's come back .

It's heartbreaking to watch
She's got a year left at school and then we are looking at 6 forms not attached to her school as recommended by her school .

I do recognise she is a very caring girl and she probably gives him what he is lacking in the rest of his life
And he makes her feel special and secure but like another poster says he isn't able to maintain a healthy relationship due to his own experiences

Its no problem at all. I'm hoping it gives you a bit of hope for light at the end of the tunnel, as while you're going through it it seems like a bit of a mountain.

That is so good to hear that her friends are around her again. Hopefully a summer with lots of fun things planned with her girl friends will give her a bit of a distraction and a good reminder of what she's at risk of losing with him sticking around. It's great that she's looking forward to 6th form as well as it shows she's still prioritising some of the important things which should help her grow in confidence with new and exciting prospects ahead of her. If her plan is to look at Uni eventually as well then boyfriends at home end up being such a drag!

Hi I'm currently in same situation with ds he split from his controlling gf in Oct last year, his behaviour improved massively, no more hormone rages breaking things etc, calmed right down started behaving in school too.
Just found out he's been with gf again, and this morning his behaviour was off then when I asked him about her he went ballistic swearing he's not with her etc trying to attack his brother with a knife and hitting his sister. Straight back to square one! I just want him out ...

I would ask her what has he to offer you? Ask her what did he do to her before and how did her treat her? Let her think back to how he treated her then.
I would remind her of what he did to her in the past. I would also tell her about his behaviour and you know for a fact that his father is a drug dealer.

Ask her how did her life improve after he left and tell her that you noticed that her friends were around more once this happened. Tell her to that if she stays with him her friends will drop her because they know he is bad news. They won't want to know her if she is with him.

I would tell her as well that you have arranged for an appointment in the local gum clinic as you want her tested for all sti's as you know he probably had sex with other girls when they were appart. She may tell you that they use condoms but this may not be true.
Tell her you bring her after school in her uniform and this is going to happen on a regular basis once she is with him.
I can't see any 15 year old wanting to do this but tell her that this has to happen because you don't want her with fertility issues later on because of untreated sti's.
If your lucky he will have given her a dose and he may not be Mr wonderful then.

You know she is beginning to get on her feet and her friends are coming back into her life.

I would contact the police about him and let them know that they are back together.
Get them to do a stop and serch on him outside the school some day. Tell your daughter that what happens to a drug dealers son.
Get social services involved as well.

Tell her as well that unless she ends things with him you won't be giving her money, buying her clothes or paying for her phone. Let he see that life can be made very difficult for her unless she get rid of him.

Agree with this. He is used to operating outside of the “norm”. He’s used to shit happening. It’s no big deal to him.
to your daughter tho he is a very exciting mix of different, adventure, probably unlike the boys in her usual group. she loves him, he is a project, she can save him.
She also probably has no experience at all of what life would generally be like if she lived “his life” all the time.
A very heady mixture.

Ah OP, I have been where you are quite recently too.

My dd is a little older now (20) but it started age 16. He abused her, left her with the most horrendous bruising, forced her to have sex, the list goes on. Yet she was unable to see past his charm and love bombing. He hated me and kept putting things in her head about me which were just bloody awful. She was seeing a therapist at the time and it was clear to the therapist alsp that he was clinging on to her as he was going through a lot of issues at home, and she was the only one there for him etc etc. He played the guilt card on her all the time. I also banned him from the house, but this didn't bother him, he just waited till I went out, who was I to him, just a mere other person who disliked him too. In his mind he was far too superior to follow my rules. To cut the story shorter she finally broke it off with about 6 months after an incident. It was the longest 6 months ever as she changed so much. Similar to your dd she is academic and sporty and when these things started to drop a bit, I think it made her realise.

Fadt forward another 2 years. She gets into another relationship and this one is even worse. Starts out lovely like any typical narcissistic, and I don't use that word lightly, so I knew we were in for another long haul ride.

That ended the end of last year, a year of him belittling her, stealing from her, goodness the list just goes on.

I didn't see your other thread, but from what I can see you have done almost everything possible here for your dd. I don't think tbh thst someone is going to come along and say try xyz as you have been down this road already and I'm sure as shit sure you have done everything you can to protect your dd from this.

The one thing I said to my dd that seemed to stick is, When things are going good, it's good. But when things are no longer good, it's OK to walk away.

My dd has had some trauma in the past and we think she was attracting these type of relationships as firstly, someone else is more troubled than she, she was always trying to fix things or him, and the relationship was never boring or dull. Ie she never fkn new what was going to happen on any given day.

It's the cycle that she has had to break.

I know this is the hardest thing to sit and have to watch from the sidelines. I am hoping that your dd has taken something from having a break from him. Now they are back together she will soon see that he hasn't changed at all, but only she can see this herself. She broke up with him before and she can do it again. She is giving him that chance now and of course for a little while he will be on his best behaviour. So you coming in saying he won't and can't change won't make sense to her right now. We know it, you know it. But she can't see it yet.

I think it's going to be a time thing now OP. Try to distract her, but try not to quiz her over and over about what is happening with them. But keep the lines of communication open.

I assume you have the tracking enabled on her phone?

I'm sorry this is happening. When I read your post my heart dropped into my stomach as I do know exactly how you are feeling.

💐

I'm sorry Par, but I do think you need some urgent intervention here.

I'm at a loss this happened last night and he cried then went to his room. I've not slept all night and unsure of what to do today. He was under counselling with school. But had stopped. Just feels like back to square 1. I actually don't like him at all.

I do feel for you. My DD has got learning difficulties and is very vulnerable. A boy whose been in and out of care since the age of 9 latched on to her as she would give him money for "food". He lived in a hostel and was involved in some very serious crime. There's since been a murder in the building he operated from. It's fair to say I was besides myself. I talked to my dd intensively about abusive relationships, control ect. I also explained that he was never going to understand about having a nice life. I took Christmas as an example as she was horrified with the no tree situation he was in. Somehow I got her to see that she would never have a normal life with him. DD now has a really nice boyfriend and I thank my lucky stars.

Hi @mumofblu how's it going with you and dd and boyfriend? Hope all is well

Hi @par05

Since I last posted they have split again after another cruel action towards my daughter . She was crying when she told me and it was horrible what he did .
But he finished it and she said they would probably get back together again . I replied it's a shame that she was in a relationship that causes so much heartache but it was her decision .

They are still apart

How is your son ?

That's good @mumofblu hopefully she will see her worth, it's so hard! Ds ok at the moment isn't with her they argued, he has however been chatting to another girl, so hoping it is over.
I just wish he would concentrate on himself. And realise he dosent have to jump from relationship to relationship.
I do really hope that they will look back and realise the stress they cause and the fact we are only looking out for them.