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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Another cry for help for my sister

42 replies

MrsSnape · 13/02/2008 21:08

Sorry about writing another thread on the subject of my sister but I'm worried sick.

My mum brought her down to my house today, sister seemed fine, was quiet and moody but that is usual for her, anyway me and my mum began talking about school in general and my sister blurted out "will you stop going on about school?!" she then burst out crying and shouted "I dont understand why I cant make friends, why doesnt anyone like me? why have they bullied me since I was 5? I havnt done anything to them!" she was then pretty inconsolable and wept as she explained that she had no friends, nobody at school talks to her as they all think she is "slow" and nomatter what she does, she just cant fit in. She said she tries to join in conversations and they burst out laughing at her, say something sarcastic or look at each other with a grin and change the subject. She sits on her own in every lesson, even the form tutor lesson. She is never picked for teams in PE and has to partner with the teacher (she is also badly obese so cant do exercise well). She sits on her own at dinner time and break time, nobody talks to her on her way to and from school etc etc... she cried "all I want is just ONE friend, just someone I can talk to, someone that will stick up for me when I'm getting bullied, someone I can talk to on the phone but nobody wants to know me"

She suffers from suspected aspergers and social anxiety so it is extremely difficult for her to make friends. She refuses to join any after school clubs, won't do any sports (and tbh would be incapable of doing most of them anyway), she wont do volunatry work as she is scared to death of doing something wrong...

She is depressed, she ws saying today "I've been on my own since I was 5, if the rest of my life is going to be like this then what's the point?" then my mum started crying as she is convinced my sister will commit suicide. She has visions of going into her room and finding her hanging.

I've suggested councelling but I dont know what else we can do, we cant make the other kids bother with her but surely there must be some way to help her make ONE friend?

I'm at a loss of what to do to help, my mum is worried sick and out of ideas, I've suggested talking to the school but the school said it is upto my sister to make the effort to make friends...they don't do buddy systems or anything like that.

Does anyone have ANY ideas?

OP posts:
MotherFunk · 13/02/2008 21:13

Message withdrawn

Beauregard · 13/02/2008 21:17

Oh poor girl

The school don't sound very sympathetic

Original poster
MrsSnape · 13/02/2008 21:17

MotherFunk, I read your post on the other thread and meant to reply to it individually...I'm so sorry to hear what happened to your sister can't kids be horrible?

I think my mum often thinks about her leaving school but she would never have the patience to home school her and would probably do it for a week before giving up and pretending to the world that they were still doing it.

My sister wants to go to animal college after school, she needs 4 GCSEs but she struggled with her sats (year 9 sats she got the same kind of scores that most kids get in year 6 at primary school) so I hope I'm wrong but I can't see her getting them, espeically as school is such a crap environment for her and she doesn't study at home when she's supposed to

OP posts:
Beauregard · 13/02/2008 21:18

doesn't

Original poster
MrsSnape · 13/02/2008 21:18

Sorry, just to add, she's 14.

OP posts:
MotherFunk · 13/02/2008 21:21

Message withdrawn

BroccoliSpears · 13/02/2008 21:32

Oh poor duck. God it's rotten enough being 14 at the best of times.

Obviously there are underlying issues to be solved here, but as a start, is there something she could join or do that has nothing to do with school? Where she won't come across the same people?

Outside a school environment you often find gentler groups, as everyone is treated in a more adult way and so acts more maturely. I was thinking maybe a drama class, or something where you have adults and teens doing outdoor work - cleaning up parks or weeding or something. I know you said that she won't volunteer, but something has to change at some point. She can't carry on like this.

fingerwoman · 13/02/2008 21:37

you know what I'd do? I would change her school

I was bullied horrendously at school, but didn't want to change as my best friend went there and I was scared of going somewhere else.
But in hindsight I think it would have been for the best. I was never accepted there and my life was sheer hell for the entire time.
I really, really wish that my mum had just moved me

MotherFunk · 13/02/2008 21:53

Message withdrawn

BroccoliSpears · 13/02/2008 21:55

I was bullied and did change school. Best thing I could have done. All the school changes in the world would never have made me a 'popular kid', but at least at my new school I had a fresh start and made some good friends.

dolally · 13/02/2008 22:50

I saw your old thread mrsS.

Do it, start now tonight. Find out what the alternative schools and colleges are. Get her name down. Ignore her when she says she's too frightened to change schools (or whatever she says). Push her one step at a time into it and make your mum see it's the right this to do.

Everyone is right, even if your sis now realises she has to make more of an effort to make friends the odds are stacked against her at the current school. She will have a much better chance with a fresh start.

One day in a few years she'll tell you it was the best thing you ever did for her.

edam · 13/02/2008 22:54

poor kid. DO help her to change schools. Let her see you investigating the options so she knows she does have choices and she doesn't have to put up with this for ever.

sushistar · 13/02/2008 22:59

It's the wrong time of year maybe, but i went to a week long summer camp a couple of times when i was a teenager, and it was wonderful. I was really scared, but it was sooo helpful for my self esteem, away from the cliques at school, with camp leaders making sure everyone was included etc. The ones i went to were called Crusaders (Christian ones) but there are non Christian ones too. Maybe there are ones at Easter? We played games, had bonfires, went horseriding - I made friends there cos no-one cared so much about being geeky etc. Just a thought?

Heated · 13/02/2008 23:01

I'm not normally one who would advocate change for a likely aspergers, but children can be bl00dy cruel (cross too at the school's limited response). But it sounds as if she needs it. Preferable would be a school or college which offer courses or day release so she can work with animals. For instance, some schools have farms attached and offer agricultural work or do day release with animal sanctuaries & visitors farms. Have a chat to your LEA as a starting point.

sushistar · 13/02/2008 23:02

Also second the idea of college. I worked as a teacher in a few colleges before ds, and I have to say the sn support is VERY good in my experience. She'll have more options about only taking her 4 gcses and not having to be at college the rest of the time - so she doesn't have to spend so much time there if she doesn't feel comfortable, unlike school where she's stuck there till the end of the day.

mumeeee · 13/02/2008 23:03

Is there anything she is interested in. DD3 16 who is Dyspraxicused to have a difficult time socialising particularly at school. She now has a couple of friends at school but doesn't realy go out with them. However she belongs to a Drama group and has a group of close friends there.She has ben into town twice this week with some of them and one of the girls is sleeping over tonight. These friends just seem to accept her for herself and it helps that they al have a common interest.
Would it be possible for ypur sister to join a club or an activity outside school'

wineisthewaytomyheart · 13/02/2008 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jezzemx · 13/02/2008 23:15

I don't really have anything else to add but want to send you and your family {{hugs}}
I was bullied in my early teens for years if it was not one spiteful cow it was another (I was one of the smallest and skinniest kids in the year. An easy target) and it was such a lonely horrible time for me but one day there was light at the end of the tunnel.
When I reached 15/16 the bastards who bullied me left school (they were not interested in school and left as soon as they could) I stayed on and made new friends. I found that the teachers would treat us more like equals rather than little kids and I had a ball and really came out of my shell!!! These then became some of my happiest times.
I hope that one day your sister also sees light at the end of tunnel. It sounds like she's having such a tough time. Be there for her and listen to her. I was wondering is there is an activity or interest you can both do together out of school hours something that will help her confidence.

Peapodlovescuddles · 13/02/2008 23:26

sorry if this is inappropriate but have you considered a medical pru? The classes are tiny, you can take as many or as few gcses as you need and most opperate on a reduced timetable with children taxied in. Almost all children there have been bullied and your sisters aspergsrs may help in getting a place...

juuule · 14/02/2008 08:46

Change schools, see if she can get into college now, Home-educate. I don't know much about the medical pru that peapod is talking about but it sounds worth a look, too.
First priority, though, is to get your sister out of the school she is in. It's doing her no good at all and from the sounds of it, a lot of harm.
Start looking into getting her out, now!

EffiePerine · 14/02/2008 08:50

Agree with the changing schools: I hated my secondary school but it made a massive difference doing to a 14-18 school - grammar but I think the change in size and age range was the most important thing. I think college could really help, or at least a school that offers you some support (her current school sounds absolutely crap).

Also out of school activities - if she's scared of failing could you even go with her for a time or two? I like idea of a residential camp as well. Do you have any 'inclusive' activities locally, such as drama groups that include those on the SN spectrum as well as NT kids?

It sounds a tough situation and you're a great sister for caring enough to do something about it . Your sister does have to find a niche and it's going to be different for all kids (mine was an academic focus as was typically non-sporty and socially inept at school - university was my saviour!).

ShrinkingViolet · 14/02/2008 09:00

if she does come out of school, then it's perfectly acceptable to spend some time not doing anything whcih seems academic - it's called "deschooling" and the suggested formula is one month for every year in school. It can be a useful healing process where there have been problems at school.
So thats' another option - take a year or so out of school, work on confidence building and social skills, and investigate somewhere else for her to do GCSEs later on. I've got a feeling it's easier to get into colleges to do GCSEs if you're over 16 anyway, but I'm sure someone over on the Home ed board would know.

Disenchanted · 14/02/2008 09:08

I remememer being at school well, it wasn't that long ago and I have a 14 yr old sister in there now.

I dont think changing high schools would make a difference, there are bullies at everyschool and it wont change your sister, just the people that are cruel to her.

I think college is a good idea, its much more 'grown up' there and bullying isnt such an issue.

And besides in college they just throw you out if you are like that (high schools have a legal obligation to educate) whereas college is a choice and a privalidge so to speak.

I really do feel for your sister,

Sorry if this sounds awful but can't you get her to loose weight?

As sad as it is its always the 'big kids' that get bullied at school. not only the big kids but they are an easy target for jokes ect.

You are a good sister to be so concerned.

My sister was badly bullied at school, not because of her looks or weight but because she got in with the wrong crowd then wanted to leave them so they targeted her.

She ended up doing highschool 'part-time' (to avoid the rush of kids coming in and out of school) from age 15 and was in the cousellers room all day.

Could you ask to arrange something like thta?

dolally · 14/02/2008 10:25

any news Mrs S?

Lots of good advice and ideas here. It might be difficult for you to change this situation but we are here to support you.

hug.

Julienoshoes · 14/02/2008 12:50

There are different ways of home educating-it really doesn't have to be school at home or formal lessons at all. have a look at
an article that compares ?formal? and ?informal? home education styles

I took my children out of school seven years ago-then aged 13, 11 and 8.

We haven't done ANY formal work at all-no schooly stuff, none.
Instead we have lived life and followed the children's interests and ideas and gone at their pace.
My then 13 year old boy was saying the same as your sister about not fitting in etc-now he and his sisters have a social life that is the envy of their schooled peers and cousins.

Before we deregistered them in desperation we had no idea of what a big supportive home ed community out there, really we didn't.

I really would suggest that you/she looks the main home education sites

Education otherwise

Home Ed UK

HE-Special-UKResources and information for families with children who have special educational needs.

Have a look here for Blogs by families with children who have SEN
who explain how home ed works for them.

If you want more info I can be contacted through the info@link via our local webpage below.

home Education really could be the answer for your sister!

regards
Julie
Home Educating in Worcestershire