Another cry for help for my sister

[MrsSnape]

Sorry about writing another thread on the subject of my sister but I'm worried sick.

My mum brought her down to my house today, sister seemed fine, was quiet and moody but that is usual for her, anyway me and my mum began talking about school in general and my sister blurted out "will you stop going on about school?!" she then burst out crying and shouted "I dont understand why I cant make friends, why doesnt anyone like me? why have they bullied me since I was 5? I havnt done anything to them!" she was then pretty inconsolable and wept as she explained that she had no friends, nobody at school talks to her as they all think she is "slow" and nomatter what she does, she just cant fit in. She said she tries to join in conversations and they burst out laughing at her, say something sarcastic or look at each other with a grin and change the subject. She sits on her own in every lesson, even the form tutor lesson. She is never picked for teams in PE and has to partner with the teacher (she is also badly obese so cant do exercise well). She sits on her own at dinner time and break time, nobody talks to her on her way to and from school etc etc... she cried "all I want is just ONE friend, just someone I can talk to, someone that will stick up for me when I'm getting bullied, someone I can talk to on the phone but nobody wants to know me"

She suffers from suspected aspergers and social anxiety so it is extremely difficult for her to make friends. She refuses to join any after school clubs, won't do any sports (and tbh would be incapable of doing most of them anyway), she wont do volunatry work as she is scared to death of doing something wrong...

She is depressed, she ws saying today "I've been on my own since I was 5, if the rest of my life is going to be like this then what's the point?" then my mum started crying as she is convinced my sister will commit suicide. She has visions of going into her room and finding her hanging.

I've suggested councelling but I dont know what else we can do, we cant make the other kids bother with her but surely there must be some way to help her make ONE friend?

I'm at a loss of what to do to help, my mum is worried sick and out of ideas, I've suggested talking to the school but the school said it is upto my sister to make the effort to make friends...they don't do buddy systems or anything like that.

Does anyone have ANY ideas?

Oh and there is a really good book that you might be interested in;

The Teenage Liberation Handbook:How to quit school and get a real life.
Author: Grace Llewellyn

Review:
The Teenage Liberation Handbook will stir your emotions and lift your vision, whether you?re a teenager or a 42-year-old CEO. Although it?s written for teens, this book focuses on a theme all of us could stand to hear: learn what you love. Particularly helpful for those who prefer alternative education, such as online learners, these pages will make you re-examine your educational path until it?s something you truly want to tread.

Llewellyn sympathizes with teenagers who get a sub-par education, wasting hours of their time on worksheets, ?classroom management,? and other needless time-busters. Instead of such waste, she contends that teens should quit school and take charge of their own learning. Fortunately, this book isn?t just about lofty philosophical ideas. Llewellyn backs her claim with hundreds of pages of practical suggestions on how to claim responsibilty for your educational life.

From finding mentors to using the library, this book?s chapters contains advice all of us should know, but don?t. Some of the gems include:
? ?School is Not for Learning?
? ?The Importance of the Vacation?
? ?Your Tailor-Made Intellectual Extravaganza?
? ?Using Cultural Resources?
Before you open the cover, be forewarned. You may be inspired to quit your desk job, haunt the library, and fulfill your dream as professional chess player. But, that?s okay. Make the most of it and enjoy your intellectual journey. I know I will.

How are things going MrsSnape? Have you come to any decisions yet?
My heart goes out to all of you, things like this are so tough

Have recently changed 15 yr old s school due to bullying and the school being totally useless at helping ds mix better.
he is vey different, quite immature and often did silly things for attention but the bullying made him angry and he started to lash out, unfortunately the school said he needed anger management!
now at new school ,long journey each day, but he has new mates a new start and is much happier.
Agree the weight needs to be addressed if only for her self esteem let alone her health.
As for mothers patience at home tutoring what would she prefer the sad end she fears or being put out for a year or so to help her child.
hope a solution is reached and the child gets what help she needs to raise her spirits and cope in this naff society.
good luck

From your earlier posts, MrsSnape, I doubt if home education is really going to be the answer here. I think you are absolutely right not to believe in this one. It sounds more like your mum is not able to teach her the social and personal skills she needs and that she does need an outside influence. It does sound from your other thread as if your mum would probably encourage her to become even more helpless if they spent all their time together.

I would look into changing school, with a view to going onto college as soon as she is old enough. As others have said, it may be too late to try to change in an environment where you're already labelled. A new school may just mean a new start.

If she has a desire to do animal college, then try to encourage that; at least that is something positive that she wants, so a potential carrot. The real hopeless cases are the ones that don't want anything.

I am not a mum but reading your post made me feel like I had to register and answer.

I am a teacher in a secondary comprehensive school and I personally think there is much more the school could do. What provision is being made for her SEN? Is she removed from some classes for extra help? If her scores are as you say then she should have at least 10% reduction so she can work in a small group on her weak areas. She should also have access to a nurture group of some sort. We have a number of students like your sister at our school and the LSAs and teachers work very hard with the other students so they are aware that these children are not 'weird' they have a disability which people can't see. We have a remove centre for students with SEN (either learning, medical, emotional or behavioural). This works really well for getting the kids to stick together. Some of our naughtiest, most disrespectful kids are now very considerate of the students with SEN.

With regards to the removal time she should have I would suggest you speak to the SEN coordinator and negotiate for her to concentrate herself in key areas. Ask to have her removed from some subjects and keep the basics like maths, english, science,tech, games. On her time in remove they can work on her social skills and prop up her basic subjects. You will probably have to push the school as it sounds like they aren't meeting her needs so may be quite defensive.

Also if school really isn't working she should have access to suitable alternatives. This is more common once they finish Y9 but can be activated at any time if appropriate. Since she is already 14 then she should be able to access this. Someone in school should be responsible for providing suitable alternatives to students. I taught a student in Y9 who had aspergers + dyslexia/dyspraxia and found school very difficult. He now does his 5 basic GCSEs in 3 days at school (with some remove time) and goes to horticulture college one day and work placement at a nurseries for the other day. He is really happy now.

I think wineisthewaytomyheart has great advice on this.

for her

Mrs Snape-I have just read this and feel so, so sorry for your sister. She shouldn't have had this negative experience since she was 5yrs old. The first thing to do is get her out of the school, they have done nothing to help and presumably she started with children from her primary school.She has been in this situation so long that whatever she does she can't win.
She needs small groups. I don't know if your mother is in the position to home educate. If she is free in the day then that is perhaps the best start, however she shouldn't worry about the education side but concentrate on the social side. Before she starts check on local Education Otherwise groups, Julienoshoes gave the links. She needs to be out and about with small groups and be able to find a friend. These groups do all sorts and go on camps. Several people have recommended that she goes on a residential course but her self confidence is so lacking that I don't think she could, however with Education Otherwise and mother it would be a start-she could go on her own later.I wouldn't normally recommend home education(I keep off the HE thread on here as I have been so misunderstood!) but in this case it would give a way to make friends and detoxify from school.
If your mother can't home educate then look for an alternative to the school to have a fresh start.
The weight needs to be tackled-it will cause problems in the way she is viewed (if eating is her only comfort it is understandable) but she could walk every day or find something she likes to do everyday like swimming.Try and make the most of what she has- like a good haircut.
I think you all need to sit down and talk about it , admit that it is a problem and find workable solutions. Perhaps write down her good points, with her, and work on those.
Don't just carry on hoping the problem will go away.

That is so sad MrsSnape. Not read whole thread so excuse me if people have said similar things (and they probably have).

My older sister was severely bullied at school until my parents finally moved her in year 10. She had to repeat the year due to different GCSE exam boards between the schools but as she was a July birthday she had been young for her year anyway and I think it was one of the best things she ever did, her results were fantastic in her GCSEs when the old school had her down as being distinctly unacademic.

The experience has affected her and I think still continued to do so. She rebelled of course and became as 'different' as possible which was reflected in her choice of friends at the new school. But hey she had friends for the first time ever. She definitely suffered from depression although she never went to a DR about it so it was not diagnosed, I think my parents buried their heads inthe sand a bit there to be honest and tried to pretend she was just a difficult teen. She self harmed for many years.

She has said that looking back, there were people at the old school who tried to be her friend but she had got so used to the bullying and so defensive that she automatically rejected people and thought that they were just teasing her.

As for your sister, she needs to change school. Kids he age are bitchy and mean and cliquey so it will be very hard to change things within the school. A small school is probably best so she doesn't get 'lost' but beware of very small schools. The was a problem for my sister, the school we were at had about 30 people in each year so if you didn't fit in you were on your own. You need to talk to schools about their anti bullying policies. Every school should have one and telling you that it is her job to make friends is simply not accectable.

I would be inclined to take her out now and not start again until September, if it is possible to home school until then. The time can be spent helping her to shift weight and feel better about herself, loads of TLC.

Have you considered something like Guides? Most units are a wonderful, supportive environment and it would be a great way of meeting girls who don't go to the same school (though obviously you would have to aska round to find a unit that had girls from different schools). A change to start something where peolple have no preconceptions about her would be great. The great thing about Guides is that the focus is on the development of each girl as an individual and I have seen many girls grow enormously in confidence through Guiding.

If she is scared of doing voluntary work as you say then something like dog walking for a shelter may be a good way of easing into it. It would provide exercise and of course animals are very soothing and uncomplicated.

Has she had any support for aspegers? A uni friend has it and it does make things more difficult socially and she did struggle though I think it was easier for her when she finally told us (and we all scurried off to google to look it up) becaue it made us more aware of what we said around her (as in she took things at face value and got confused with sarcasm etc) and understanding of her reactions.

Actually there is something the school can do. It is called "A circle of Friends" It is usually used with younger children, but I know it has been used with 14 year olds.

Basically, a few trused people are chosen to support and help the isolated person. They are also encouraged to help with any problems she may be experiencing, and basically to protect her. It is usually done within a form group. I don't know if this is appropriate, but I have seen it help a couple of students at my school

I think the trouble with her present school is that they have nothing like a circle of friends or buddy schemes; staff must be aware of her difficulties, and isolation, but no one is helping the poor girl.I think a Indith has sound advice. If the mother wouldn't want to home educate, perhaps she could manage until September and then she could have a break before getting a fresh start somewhere else, having made sure that they implement anti bullying schemes and have a history of inclusion.

Thanks again for all the advice and support. The situation is so frustrating because to be honest, although my mum is worried sick, there is a limit on what she is prepared to do.

She doesn't work so spends all day at home yet she refuses to consider home-schooling as she doesnt have the patience and wouldn't know what tp teach her. I told her that the educational side of it is not as formal as she's making it out to be but she just snapped "oh I arnt doing all that". She won't even look into it.

Yesterday we all went to visit my grandad and sister was sat looking very sad and depressed all day. A number of people asked her what was wrong and she kept saying "nothing", she later fell asleep on the sofa like she does almost every time she visits anyones house...this seems like a sign of depression to me. Anyway I and someone else suggested councelling to my mum (privately away from sis) and she pulled a face and said "dunno, will they involve social services and all that lot?" so we said "course not, its just someone for her to talk to" so she replied "oh I dont know, G (husband) doesnt think she needs a counceller or anything like that" so we said "well she needs something..." so she replied "yeah, I'll just sort it out myself" but she can't.

The weight thing is a sour subject with me, they just don't try yet moan constantly about their weight. My sister is now 14 stone at the age of 14....she has more or less weighed a stone for each year since the age of 5ish so when she was 11 she weighed 11 stone etc.

Yet they do no exercice (they'll go swimming on a sunday to kickstart their new health regime off but won't go again for another 2 months or so) and they continue to buy sweets, buns, lemonade, freezer meals etc...

Sometimes you do get sick of trying to help because they don't seem to want to help themselves. Sister won't join guides or go to swimming lessons or anything...everything I suggest one of them has an excuse for.

It sounds like your mum is a bit defensive about your sister (perhaps she is worried people will think it's her fault that your sister is like this which might be something she doesn't want to face). Have you considered ringing the Samaritans or childline? It sounds like you need more prefessional help than you can find on here and they might be able to help in ways we cannot.

It is such a pity, if she is at home all day, that she won't give the home schooling a try just to break the pattern; have they got Internet access to at least see what groups are doing in their area? She wouldn't have to formally teach, they could do healthy cookery, brisk walks etc. I think that she needs to mix with very small groups to start with. However it sounds as if she won't consider it and needs some outside help, you are probably too close to the situation to help. Changing schools would be a first step, but only if her problems have been discussed with the new school and they have an active, working policy of inclusion. Perhaps childline could put your mother in touch with a youth advisory service.

It sounds like your mum is part of the problem, rather than part of the solution... I don't know your circumstances so not sure how much you could get involved on a day-to-day basis with any solution to this? I'd second the ideas of either a change of school or switching to college - it doesn't sound like the current school are going to be any help. Can you contact colleges in the area to find out whether they would take on a 14-year-old? Colleges are likely to be better than other schools, as frankly girls that age are not always sympathetic and she might do better with 16/17s who are making the effort to go to college... But it might need something like you taking/collecting her until she got more confident, which could take a while.

HE would be another option, if you were available to take charge of it, but obviously that's a big committment. Even just spending time with her away from mum's negative influence could help - a regular trip to the gym, an activity class you do together, etc

I also thought that your Mum was part of the problem, she doesn't seem very assertive and also seems worried by authority figures.She hasn't helped up to now-it would have been so much easier to tackle the problem in the infants by inviting children round to tea etc.Could you get her to accept that she needs help with the issue?She could contact connexions direct which give advice and information for young people aged 13 to 19 on absolutely everything, including depression. You can ring and speak to an advisor in complete confidence without giving personal details.The website is www.connexions-direct.com
If your Mum or sister won't do it then you could phone for some advice-or email. I think she needs to be out of her school because staff must be aware of her difficulties but haven't helped.It is no good just changing schools unless she addresses the problems because they will follow her.

Your poor sister and what a fab lady you are for caring so much!

Would your sister maybe enjoy lunch out and then a wander around clothes shops with you to choose new clothes? Tell her she doesn't have to buy them yet but just try them on. Maybe once she sees she looks fab in something her esteem will go up and you might even be able to persuade her to have her hair done. Why don't yot buy her lots of smellies too and promise her a night out somewhere or for a girly movie night at yours on the condition you dress up, ask her to get ready at your house then try and subtely offer her your perfumes and bodysprays. Most councils also do lifelong learning for a couple of hours per week. Would she like to perhaps learn to cook or learn a new langauge? I did one just after I left school being bullied and it was the best thing I have did. If she resists, tell her to try just one class as she can always pull out if she doesn't like it. In the classes there are always a mix of ages. Mine had from teenagers to 60 year olds of all different backgrounds. Some people posh, some not so but everyone got on like we were best friends. I hope everything works out for you all

Have you come accross the Kidscape website?
www.kidscape.org.uk/zap/detail.shtml
I had a friend whose DD was bulied. She went on one of the courses and it helped - not fixed over night but gave her some techniques for dealing with situations and helped her self esteem.