Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Would you insist on your 16 year old coming?

52 replies

Flora11 · 24/03/2023 15:52

We are going out tonight, dinner booked for 7pm, half an hour away, me, husband, 23 year old daughter and 16 year old son. It's for my husbands birthday which was earlier this week.

16 year old announced just now that he was going to his mates house for the evening - he's completely forgotten the meal out

I reminded him and he said he'd come still but it was clear he was a little 'reluctant' so I just said 'if you'd prefer to go to your friends then that's absolutely fine, you can choose'

Me and DH don't mind either way. My sister however was horrified - said we should have made him come

What are your thoughts? Would you have insisted or given the choice?

OP posts:
AuntieDolly · 24/03/2023 15:53

I would insist as it's a birthday meal

Hbh17 · 24/03/2023 15:54

Of course not - he's 16; he has a choice.

Dacadactyl · 24/03/2023 15:54

I'd have insisted he came with us too.

callmesophia · 24/03/2023 15:54

Nah, let him go to his pal's.

Original poster
Flora11 · 24/03/2023 15:56

There is a problem with insisting though.... we all know that when we force this kind of thing, his potential sulk could impact everyone else's enjoyment .. and we all know just how draining a teen sulk can be

I could force it without issue. Just not sure if it's wise

OP posts:
MuddledMindy · 24/03/2023 15:56

Let him go to his mates. If he's owt like my 16 year old, it will save you a fortune anyway Grin

viques · 24/03/2023 15:56

Let him go to his friends, he will be the one missing out on a lovely meal. He will have said all the proper happy birthday stuff beforehand . Who wants a 16 at the table who would rather be somewhere else?

bigbluebus · 24/03/2023 15:56

It's a family birthday meal. He needs to prioritise his dad. He also needs to learn to use the calendar on his phone to avoid 'forgetting ' pre booked events on future!
His Dad only gets one birthday a year. He can go to his mates any time.

Greensleeves · 24/03/2023 15:57

I wouldn't be "putting my foot down", he's too old for that and it would be counterproductive anyway.

I would find it surprising and hurtful that he didn't want to be there though. I'd probably talk to him about it.

Original poster
Flora11 · 24/03/2023 15:57

@MuddledMindy I think that's why my DH was all ' you do what you want to do, we don't mind at all!' because it's a good 50 quid off the bill Grin

OP posts:
viques · 24/03/2023 15:58

Why does your sister get a vote, she is not even going to the meal.

carriedout · 24/03/2023 15:58

This is difficult but if he knew about it and arranged something afterwards I would have made him stick to the first arrangement. 'Forgetting' is not a good enough reason. I'd have just said 'Oh dear, you'll have to rearrange the visit to your friend' rather than be angry.

If it was the first he heard about the meal, I'd let him go to his friend.

Dacadactyl · 24/03/2023 15:58

@Flora11 if he would deliberately ruin the meal for others, then I'd tell him he better behave at it, or there'd be consequences.

SummerInSun · 24/03/2023 15:58

My DC aren't teenagers yet, but I'm with your sister on this. I don't think you are setting your DS up well for his adult life by telling him it's fine to blow off his Dad's birthday dinner just to hang with his mates. You don't want some women on here in 15 or so year's time saying about your son "DH forgot one of the DC's birthdays / our anniversary dinner we booked weeks ago / an important celebration with my family and when reminded forgot not to come because he was meeting his mates down the pub". You see those posts on Mumsnet all the time and everyone agrees that the DH is a jerk. Don't bring your DS up to be that jerk. Just because you say your DH doesn't mind doesn't mean the other people in your DS's life in the future won't.

(My answer would be different if this was just a casual family dinner that happened every week or so.)

Original poster
Flora11 · 24/03/2023 15:58

@viques she's doesn't 'get a vote'

I just happened to mention it as we chatted on the phone

OP posts:
Original poster
Flora11 · 24/03/2023 15:59

@Dacadactyl hed never deliberately ruin a meal.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 24/03/2023 16:00

Sorry I must've misunderstood cos I thought that's what you meant by "his potential sulk".

flipent · 24/03/2023 16:01

Expecting a 16 year old to prioritise someone else above themselves is unrealistic - for not other reason than they're not wired that way!

OP I think you're doing the absolutely right thing and you'll have a much healthier relationship with your kids as they continue into adulthood for it.
That he was willing to come even though he didn't particularly want to means he's a decent human being, you letting him choose means he will continue to be a good person.
Pushing people to do what we want or what society expects isn't healthy.

pilates · 24/03/2023 16:01

Let him go to his mates. Nothing worse than a moody teenager to ruin the night.

viques · 24/03/2023 16:01

Ok, I will rephrase,why should her opinion sway you when you and your OH aren’t bothered either way.

(I know , you were asking for opinions , I am not your sister, but that is mine)

have a great night, happy birthday Mr Flora.

RosesAndHellebores · 24/03/2023 16:01

I think thus is the first time such an issue has come up because your ds has recently started making independent arrangements. I also suspect you didn't drill in the expectation he would be coming on a rinse and repeat basis as is necessary for teenager from about 15 upwards.

Lessons on both sides. Let him go to his mates which will be better than a cobby teenager ruining a family occasion. But this time only.

Frenchfancy · 24/03/2023 16:02

I wouldn't insist, but I would make it clear that I was disappointed about his priorities.

AlisonHalligan · 24/03/2023 16:02

Of course you shouldn't have insisted if you don't mind- what would be the point of that?

Original poster
Flora11 · 24/03/2023 16:03

@flipent yep, he'd happily come. Well, compliantly come! He didn't ask to still see his mates but I could tell that he might prefer to! Hence why I offered the choice to him because with the best will in the world, he's a very typical teen with typical teen mood swings

OP posts:
Original poster
Flora11 · 24/03/2023 16:04

@Frenchfancy hard to do that when I offered the choice to him - he didn't ask

OP posts: