Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Would you insist on your 16 year old coming?

52 replies

Flora11 · 24/03/2023 15:52

We are going out tonight, dinner booked for 7pm, half an hour away, me, husband, 23 year old daughter and 16 year old son. It's for my husbands birthday which was earlier this week.

16 year old announced just now that he was going to his mates house for the evening - he's completely forgotten the meal out

I reminded him and he said he'd come still but it was clear he was a little 'reluctant' so I just said 'if you'd prefer to go to your friends then that's absolutely fine, you can choose'

Me and DH don't mind either way. My sister however was horrified - said we should have made him come

What are your thoughts? Would you have insisted or given the choice?

OP posts:
waterlego · 24/03/2023 16:04

I have a 17 year-old DD who has form for ‘forgetting’ family events and double booking herself. Sometimes we’ve insisted, but more often we let it go now. As others have said, if they’re going to come along and be sulky or twitchy you’re better off not having them there anyway. If your DH doesn’t mind (as he’s the one having his birthday celebrated), then I’d let it go.

DD ‘forgot’ that my brother and his family were coming over in half term (including younger cousins who really enjoy seeing their big teenage cousins) and accepted an invitation to an event in London instead. When I told her she’d double booked herself, she asked me what she should do. I said: ‘You’re a young adult, you have to decide what you’re going to do. It’s not my place to tell you’. She went to London. I told her it was disappointing for the rest of us but wished her a nice time.

imsureineverdo · 24/03/2023 16:05

Let him go to his mates definitely. If your sister has a 16 year she can put her foot down with them!

samantha0709 · 24/03/2023 16:05

No. At 16 he'll just want to be with his pals. I couldn't be arsed sitting opposite a moody teen who doesn't want to be there.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 24/03/2023 16:06

Shouldn't it have been dhs choice rather than yours?

Original poster
Flora11 · 24/03/2023 16:07

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz don't worry about that! That's not the point at all. But seeing as you asked, he's very happy either way as he was stood next to me when I said it

OP posts:
Weallgottachangesometime · 24/03/2023 16:11

I probably wouldn’t have proactively offered the option to not come. However if he was set on not coming and said he didn’t want to I wouldn’t have forced it. Maybe his mate could come too if he’s a ok kid? (Though that’s a more expensive option)

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/03/2023 16:11

I think you're a bit passive aggressive and martyrish in the way, you said, of course, if you prefer to go out with your friends… Any 16-year-old would rather go out with his friends!

SummerInSun · 24/03/2023 16:12

waterlego · 24/03/2023 16:04

I have a 17 year-old DD who has form for ‘forgetting’ family events and double booking herself. Sometimes we’ve insisted, but more often we let it go now. As others have said, if they’re going to come along and be sulky or twitchy you’re better off not having them there anyway. If your DH doesn’t mind (as he’s the one having his birthday celebrated), then I’d let it go.

DD ‘forgot’ that my brother and his family were coming over in half term (including younger cousins who really enjoy seeing their big teenage cousins) and accepted an invitation to an event in London instead. When I told her she’d double booked herself, she asked me what she should do. I said: ‘You’re a young adult, you have to decide what you’re going to do. It’s not my place to tell you’. She went to London. I told her it was disappointing for the rest of us but wished her a nice time.

I just don't understand this. Yes she is a young adult, but she actually asked you for guidance as to what she should do. Why wouldn't you guide her that letting down her young cousins because she'd made a mistake of double-booking is NOT what a responsible adult with empathy would do? She is asking you what sort of adult she should be. Reusing to offer any advice and then telling her she disappointed you all (ie that she's made the wrong decision) doesn't seem at all fair to her - you refused to help make the decision even though you clearly knew which was the right decision and then guilt trip her.

No wonder we see so many posts on MN about their selfish partners and friends who blow everyone else off whenever they want to...

Felicity42 · 24/03/2023 16:13

For important family events, it's good to show that people are worth celebrating and showing up for.
If the teen was going to sulk and whinge about the food, when can we go etc, and not enjoy then No.
Because his sister is of a 'grown up' age too then I can see how he'd prefer to hang with the pals. It's not like another younger sibling is being made to go but he's let off.

So it depends on the individual family.

Original poster
Flora11 · 24/03/2023 16:13

@determinedtomakethiswork you're reading a tone that isn't there. I'm not passive aggressive

OP posts:
Original poster
Flora11 · 24/03/2023 16:14

Thanks for all the opinions. Very useful. I'll hide the thread now before I get into bizarre exchanges with the small handful of posters who either wildly project or just say odd things Grin

Cheers to most of you

OP posts:
OhSnakesandBastards · 24/03/2023 16:17

Nah, let him go to his mates. And it will save you loads of money too!!

MarchMadness23 · 24/03/2023 16:19

Flora11 · 24/03/2023 16:07

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz don't worry about that! That's not the point at all. But seeing as you asked, he's very happy either way as he was stood next to me when I said it

@Flora11

o think given that when you reminded him, he automatically assumed he wouldn't be going to his mates, you should have just left it, either he realised it was the right thing to do or wanted to come. He didn't kick off, he did the right thing. I've no idea why you said he didn't have to come. I'd have felt hurt that you thought it didn't matter if I came or not.

you weren't making him go, you just reminded him that he had a prior commitment. HE chose to honour that commitment (now you've confused the issue).

neitherofthem · 24/03/2023 16:19

bigbluebus · 24/03/2023 15:56

It's a family birthday meal. He needs to prioritise his dad. He also needs to learn to use the calendar on his phone to avoid 'forgetting ' pre booked events on future!
His Dad only gets one birthday a year. He can go to his mates any time.

It's not his dad's birthday today, that was earlier in the week. This is just a meal out.

waterlego · 24/03/2023 16:24

SummerInSun · 24/03/2023 16:12

I just don't understand this. Yes she is a young adult, but she actually asked you for guidance as to what she should do. Why wouldn't you guide her that letting down her young cousins because she'd made a mistake of double-booking is NOT what a responsible adult with empathy would do? She is asking you what sort of adult she should be. Reusing to offer any advice and then telling her she disappointed you all (ie that she's made the wrong decision) doesn't seem at all fair to her - you refused to help make the decision even though you clearly knew which was the right decision and then guilt trip her.

No wonder we see so many posts on MN about their selfish partners and friends who blow everyone else off whenever they want to...

Show quote history

She was asking me to decide for her so that she didn’t have to deal with feeling guilty!

I said it was her decision but I did also try to talk her through that decision to consider both aspects. I told her the cousins would be disappointed and so would I, but that I also understood that the offer of an exciting day out in London was appealing (and that the people who had invited her had already made bookings and arrangements so she would also have been letting them down if she’d declined their offer). I was acknowledging that it wasn’t an easy decision but that it was her decision.

You said that I clearly knew what was the ‘right decision’. No. There was no ‘right’ decision. There was a decision that I’d have preferred but I was not the only person whose feelings needed to be considered. I was attempting to get her to take responsibility for herself and learn something about considering others.

bigbluebus · 24/03/2023 16:33

@neitherofthem I realise that. However, I'm guessing that they didn't celebrate as a family on the actual birthday due to it being mid week and possibly other week night commitments, so the birthday meal was delayed until the end of the week. Many people have birthday celebrations at weekends if their birthday is midweek. The 16 year old was aware they were going out.

shakeitoffsis · 24/03/2023 16:35

Seeing as it's for his dads birthday I'd make him come.

As a teen I missed my mums birthday meal to go out with my mates and I'm not joking, Iv regretting it ever since!

elevenplusdilemma · 24/03/2023 16:37

For a general night out, I wouldn't mind. For a family birthday, I'd expect everyone to be there. I'd probably compromise and offer to drop him at his mate's on the way back from the restaurant.

troppibambini6 · 24/03/2023 16:37

No I wouldn't make him come. Nothing worse than a sulking teen sucking all the fun and enjoyment out of what's supposed to be a nice evening.

Hbh17 · 24/03/2023 16:41

Well, the whole "birthday meal" thing for adults baffles me, as I've never known anyone do it. But, more pertinently:

  1. today is not the actual birthday
  2. the birthday person really doesn't mind
  3. it's great for a teenager to be socialising with his mate "in real life", rather than on a screen
  4. who wants a grumpy teen at an event?
  5. what self-respecting 16 year old is bothered about an Aged Parent's birthday?
  6. the parents save £50 on an unwanted meal

This is just a no-brainer - let the boy have a good time, as HE planned!

racquel86 · 24/03/2023 16:42

He's a 16year old boy ..... of course he forgot, it's normal.... my 36yr old partner forgets stuff too due to his selective male deafness 🤣
If DH doesn't mind him not going, I'd just let him go his mates...... no big deal to be made out if it!
Enjoy the meal xx

ShallowHallo · 24/03/2023 16:47

Eating out is expensive now. Too expensive to feed someone who doesn’t really want to be there. Have a lovely time and a few extra drinks for yourself!

If it was a special meal out for a grandparents birthday, for example, I’d have wanted to my DS to come as they don’t see him so often and would have been really looking forward to it.

But you live with your DS and he already saw your DH on his birthday so I don’t see what difference it makes really.

Multiblue · 24/03/2023 18:55

Yes, I would have insisted on him honouring a prearranged dinner for his dad's birthday.

That's just normal good manners which it is a parent's responsibility to teach.

AnnesBrokenSlate · 24/03/2023 18:59

Yy I'd have insisted. For two reasons. One, it's his dad's birthday meal. Two, it was the prior arrangement.

HepzibahSmyth · 25/03/2023 21:34

Is there a reason you didn’t tell your sister to mind her business?