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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd says she doesn't like being alone at night

40 replies

bendmeoverbackwards · 23/03/2023 18:31

Dd is 16, Year 11. She is the youngest of 3 girls, older two are 21 and 20 and live away during term time.

Lately she's been saying she doesn't like it if dh and I go out for the evening and she is on her own at home. I encourage her to make some plans or invite a friend over. I want to take her worries seriously, however I'm not 100% convinced they are genuine. She does have form for a bit of manipulation and emotional blackmail.

She says we are 'always' out. This isn't true. Dh and I go out together about once a week, very occasionally twice. We build in plenty of family time and do things with dd3 (and the older two when they are home) - cinema/theatre trips, going out to eat etc. I think we balance it quite well.

How would you deal with this? Dd3 is autistic and can't always communicate exactly what her worries are. She is very dependent on me and likes the reassurance of knowing I am downstairs, but I feel at 16 I should gradually be encouraging a bit more independence.

OP posts:
whateverwillbewillbewontit · 23/03/2023 18:34

It might sound strange but any chance she's watched any horror or scary movies recently? I remember being that age and watching the first Scream movie and being utterly terrified to be on my own. Yeah, I was a sensitive kid! ;) But if this is a fairly recent thing then it might be because she's seen or heard something that's spooked her.

Olios · 23/03/2023 18:40

Can't she go with you?

Choconut · 23/03/2023 18:42

As she's autistic I would take it seriously and stick to going out just once a week and not be out too late. If you go out the same day every week and are always back by x time then she might cope better as it will become a routine. Once she feels better again you can always try making it a bit less uniform. I would also plan her time with her for while you will be gone, have a treat built in there perhaps, if she is keeping busy she'll have less time/head space to worry and be anxious. I also agree to making sure she isn't watching anything scary or that's a bit too old for her while you're out.

Hawkins003 · 23/03/2023 18:43

It's a mix at times, with experience she may get better ?

Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 23/03/2023 19:07

Olios · 23/03/2023 18:40

Can't she go with you?

Yes sometimes. If we’re going to the cinema we offer to take her too, she usually doesn’t fancy it. Sometimes we go out with our friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 23/03/2023 19:08

The horror movies made me laugh! She doesn’t scare easily, I’ve watched stuff with her that’s freaked me out, she just laughs!

OP posts:
CatOnTheChair · 23/03/2023 20:08

How late are you out? I'd be tempted to listen to her, and cut it down a bit - or make the evenings out shorter.
When it's lighter in the evenings - which isn't going to be long now, maybe start extending things again.
But mine are a little younger, and I'm not at the stage of leaving too late - 9.30 is about the latest I'll do currently.

Caspianberg · 23/03/2023 20:16

I think 1-2 times a week is quite a lot tbh to both go out and leave her.

notthisagainforest · 23/03/2023 20:21

My daughter is not autistic and she doesn't like being left alone she's 17 ! I wouldn't push it because you could make her a lot worse. You need to listen to her

smileladiesplease · 23/03/2023 20:21

My dd would have been the same and she doesn't have autism. However she had a boyfriend by 16 who would be here anyway.

I loathe being alone in the house in daylight or the dark. We were burgled twice and I came back to find them in the house on the second occasion which was terrifying. Can you ask her why specifically she's scared?

I would cut the nights out to be honest for a bit or get her to invite a friend over?

KILM · 23/03/2023 20:29

Surely cutting down on the nights out will reinforce that there's something valid in her worry... you said she struggles to articulate clearly sometimes but maybe it's worth digging into what's behind it - boredom, not sure what to do if something happens etc?

Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 23/03/2023 20:33

Thank you all

@KILM that is an interesting point. I want to balance her needs and security but at the same time not feeding the anxiety. She’s not one for opening up, she only talks on her own terms. If I try a bit of gentle digging she’ll say probably day she doesn’t know 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
smileladiesplease · 23/03/2023 20:36

It is tricky op to get the balance but I guess it's a phase snd she may get more confidence bless her

katepilar · 23/03/2023 20:41

I am not surprised she doesnt like you going out this much.

PortmeirionTiles · 23/03/2023 20:42

Caspianberg · 23/03/2023 20:16

I think 1-2 times a week is quite a lot tbh to both go out and leave her.

Yeah I’m not piling on, OP, and of course you have a right to a social life, but I don’t think there’s anything strange about what she’s saying. Personally I love an evening alone at home but we are social animals after all and she’s still fairly young (I mean in lifetime terms, obvs she’s not a child any more).

That said, if she can come with you and chooses not to, that’s on her. My DS is 12 and often wants me to stay at home with him on weekend days. I don’t go out that much anyway, but I’m always clear with him: you can come with me or stay home, but you don’t get to tell me what I can do!

OhcantthInkofaname · 23/03/2023 21:07

I really doubt if you are going out and staying out late. Don't let her manipulate you!

DustyLee123 · 23/03/2023 21:09

I would be careful of ignoring her as it could cause anxiety, yet you can’t be held to ransom. You need to find the compromise.

Newuser82 · 23/03/2023 21:10

KILM · 23/03/2023 20:29

Surely cutting down on the nights out will reinforce that there's something valid in her worry... you said she struggles to articulate clearly sometimes but maybe it's worth digging into what's behind it - boredom, not sure what to do if something happens etc?

Yes, I'd totally agree with this actually. Try to figure out exactly what it is she doesn't like then make a plan to move forward.

carriedout · 23/03/2023 21:18

I think she is only 16 and is autistic. I wold listen to her.

It is hard for youngest children as the parents can often be ready to leave them and get on with life when older children would have had their parents at home much more.

To me you are coming across as a little unfeeling towards her.

EmmaEmerald · 23/03/2023 21:19

Don't cut down, as she gets older, she needs to get used to it
You do need to pinpoint the why
is she all right on her own in the day - I ask because it might be something that never happens?

how late are you out, any local burglaries that might have freaked her out?

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 23/03/2023 21:20

Dd's both have a dcat each on their beds!
Just an idea op!

Xrays · 23/03/2023 21:22

I think as she has autism it changes things quite a bit. I don’t think you should go out if she’s finding it that difficult, make sure she either has a friend with her or is there a relative who could come and stay over?

Octopusmittens · 23/03/2023 21:23

Choconut · 23/03/2023 18:42

As she's autistic I would take it seriously and stick to going out just once a week and not be out too late. If you go out the same day every week and are always back by x time then she might cope better as it will become a routine. Once she feels better again you can always try making it a bit less uniform. I would also plan her time with her for while you will be gone, have a treat built in there perhaps, if she is keeping busy she'll have less time/head space to worry and be anxious. I also agree to making sure she isn't watching anything scary or that's a bit too old for her while you're out.

Good advice

carriedout · 23/03/2023 21:26

This is why I would take it seriously in someone with autism - anxiety is more common than in people who do not have autism, and the uncertainty aspect of you being out is potentially genuinely stressful for her: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/anxiety-autism

Anxiety in autistic people

Dr Jacqui Rodgers explores why autistic people may experience anxiety

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/anxiety-autism

Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 23/03/2023 23:11

To me you are coming across as a little unfeeling towards her

@carriedout this is very unfair, her needs dominate family life, sometimes to the detriment of my older dds. I take her needs very seriously and always try and plan things to make life a bit easier for her.

We live in a quiet safe area and we have good neighbours. We generally try to be home by 11pm and we tell her this.

@Bunnyhascovidnoteggs we actually have a very much loved cat who dd3 adores! Cat will often snuggle up on her bed which helps I think.

She wouldn't want a relative to come over, she doesn't like people in the house that she doesn't know well.

A recent example - we have some friends who we see every few months or so. We were due to see them this week and I asked them to come to us so dd3 wouldn't be alone. I told dd3 well in advance what time they were coming and which room we would be in (she hates being seen by people in her home). I deliberately made dinner early so she could eat in peace before they got here. Dinner was ready at 7.15pm, I told her, she didn't come down. I reminded her again that our friends were coming at 8.15pm. She still didn't come down to eat. She then wanted me to delay the time they were coming so she had time to eat - too late as they had left home by then. She eventually came down to eat after they arrived, she was reluctant to go into the kitchen in case they saw her, she didn't like the way dinner was presented so I ended up going back in twice to re-do the dinner before going back to our friends.

OP posts: