Dd says she doesn't like being alone at night

[bendmeoverbackwards]

Dd is 16, Year 11. She is the youngest of 3 girls, older two are 21 and 20 and live away during term time.

Lately she's been saying she doesn't like it if dh and I go out for the evening and she is on her own at home. I encourage her to make some plans or invite a friend over. I want to take her worries seriously, however I'm not 100% convinced they are genuine. She does have form for a bit of manipulation and emotional blackmail.

She says we are 'always' out. This isn't true. Dh and I go out together about once a week, very occasionally twice. We build in plenty of family time and do things with dd3 (and the older two when they are home) - cinema/theatre trips, going out to eat etc. I think we balance it quite well.

How would you deal with this? Dd3 is autistic and can't always communicate exactly what her worries are. She is very dependent on me and likes the reassurance of knowing I am downstairs, but I feel at 16 I should gradually be encouraging a bit more independence.

I get the anxiety issue and I try as much as possible to minimise it for her. But I also believe that avoiding the source of anxiety is not always the best course of action for her. I won't always be around to advocate for her and it's my job as a parent to prepare her for adult life.

Has anyone ever suggested she might have a PDA presentation of autism? It sounds a bit like it from what you're saying here.

It's really tricky to know where autism ends and teenagerdom begins. I wonder if you could make some small adjustments so that she feels safer - perhaps tell her you'll be home by 10.30 (and stick to it)? Would she tell you what her specific worries are? i.e. someone breaking in, house going on fire, unexpected visitors, hurting herself etc. If you know this then you might be able to reassure her better.

She should be making her own dinner at that age anyway she could have had it at five and stayed upstairs that was a non problem

I don’t mind cooking for her but I’ve allowed her to do as she likes, come late for meals and then expects me to run around after her.

To be fair I know adults who dislike being home alone when it's late, they don't have anxiety they just feel uncomfortable; i wouldnt assume its manipulation unless there are other factors too.Personally I don't think exposing someone to their source of anxiety fixes it necessarily, but it's not unreasonable to want to be able to go out and socialise now she is 16 either.

If unable to articulate exactly what it is that makes her scared could you perhaps ask what would help besides you not going out? Appreciate everyone with autism is different, but I've often found this approach works better.

I was this teenager once and I wouldn’t sleep for hours upon hours. I’d sleep downstairs so I could hear everything. I hated it and would try and stay awake till it was light outside.

Putting aside her autism, I feel it is a common theme here with teenagers that parents, especially mums who do the parenting heavy lifting, get fed up running around after them, pull the support and thinks their 16, 17, 18 year old should be able to do it themselves by now.

They can only do it if they have been taught the skills and habits over the previous years. Yes it is easy to teach them to switch on a washing machine, but it takes time for them to develop the habit of being organised and aware of when to do it. That is something you teach them gradually as they grow.

So if you have taught her she can "do as she likes", you have taught her that expectation and it will take time and a bit of patience, give and take to unpick that and for it to develop into a habit for her.

I don't have experience of autism, but would suggest the same is probably true albeit much much harder, and with some limitations. I assume you have already contacted autism/anxiety support groups to see if there are ways you can help her? What did they suggest?

It would be impossible to have an opinion regarding a neurodiverse teen with such limited information.

I would take everything said by the people on MN with a pinch of salt & speak to the professionals in yours & her life to gage if this is genuine or she’s being manipulative.

Tbh I still found it a bit anxiety inducing at that age and I have no ND traits or diagnosis. I left home for uni at 18 and even then hated it if i was ever the only one at home overnight in the student flatshare I was in.
I think this is normal and I do think leaving her in late two nights a week is a lot at 16, one a fortnight would be more ordinary at that age I'd suggest? (But my parents weren't big social animals and I'm a long way from having teenagers myself, so all to be absorbed with that large dose of context)

It absolutely is OP.
I agree that’s the job of any parent to ready their child for the wider world - and you of course have a right to some social time too.
But also … Having an autism diagnosis increases the risk of developing some mental health conditions and a PP @carriedout ( I think) has linked to info on this.
feelings of anxiety are normal in adolescents ( in all of us) but when those feelings start to affect your daily life and start to worsen then the person may actually be experiencing symptoms of an anxiety disorder which is not just feeling anxious in the regular sense .

I am not trying to diagnose your DD over the internet but it may be that she needs some other strategies and coping mechanisms and some supports around this to help - CBT for example is a talking therapy that can help.

it might not be as easy for her to ‘face up to it’ - anxiety disorders can be complex.

It maybe that DD would benefit by talking to your GP about this.

I would present it this way, you are not going to stop going out but are willing to put anything else to help her in place to make it easier for her and she needs to come up with some solutions she feels would work or is comfortable with otherwise it will be paying for a babysitter which I'm sure she would hate.

You can take her seriously but still encourage resilience, and adults shouldn't have to cut back on their few nights out to pander to a teenager. She will (or should) be living on her own on a few years' time so working on this with her now, & helping her with strategies to enjoy having the house to herself will pay off in the long run. Otherwise you will have an infantilised 25 year old still living with you & stopping you from going out.

Her daughter has autism! She's not manipulating!!!!

If she's saying she's scared on her own then something has to be done, or she goes to a friend or a friend comes to your house!

What a difficult situation for all of you. Your DD definitely sounds like she is nervous about something, but can't describe it because of her autism maybe. No advice, but I hope you find a way that you can get out, but she can be happy.

This is from April