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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Moving DD to a new school in Y10? Crazy?!

38 replies

inigomontoyahwillcox · 22/03/2023 12:47

Am I crazy for thinking of moving DD(14) to a different school mid-way through her GCSEs?

DD has ADHD combined type and has struggled massively at her current high school. Her academic work has improved a lot since she started medication, but she is very eager to please and be liked by her peers but struggles with social cues, which has left her open to being targeted.

She has been subjected to bullying since Y8, which shows no sign of letting up. She's just been unceremoniously dropped by her most recent group of so-called friends for being "annoying, a suck up and boring" (I was party to their facetime call, unbeknownst to them) and they're now twisting the knife by targeting her in school. She has made friends with about 3 different groups of kids over the years, but they've all dropped her (some even threw eggs at her, she's bullying/ridiculing social media accounts set up etc.) and she has spent a lot of time being ridiculed or bullied at their hands. She has a habit of gravitating towards groups including "mean girls" and some behavioral problems, and when I talk to her about it she says that they're the only ones that want to hang around with her, my heart hurts so much for her. The most recent group even included her previous bully who made her life hell for almost 2 years - I asked her why on earth she was hanging around with her, and she said it was better to be her friend than her enemy, which I get, but it was very frustrating - and now look where we are. She got very close to one girl at the start of high school, but they were both at the receiving end of bullying, and moved schools as a result. They are still in touch, but she has understandably made a new group of friends, and she boards, so you can imagine has become very close to some of the girls. DD obviously feels as though she has lost her too.

She is a good kid; funny, gregarious, loyal - but kids, especially girls it seems, struggle to gel with her.

I've tried and tried with the school; sanctions are put in place for the culprits as and when but they then lapse and we're back to square 1, she's been to school counseling and is now on the waiting list to be seen again etc. My parents offered for her to go private, and a reasonably local one has been recommended, but when I broach this with DD (which I have done a few times now) she is adamant she wants to stay put, and not "let them win". She also feels like it is worse to be the new girl. But after yet more drama at school, I honestly feel like the only way forward is for her to have a fresh start.

She is a very resilient little thing and has put up with so much over the years, but brushes it off and is her excitable giggly self within a few days of each crisis - but I can see how she is being ground down by all of this (stress manifests itself physically in DD, she suffers from chronic tic disorder, which is rearing its ugly head more and more these days) and her self-esteem is really suffering.

Teenagers can be such absolute shits.

OP posts:
SkaneTos · 22/03/2023 13:19

Hello, I don't have any advice, but I didn't want to read and not respond.
That is horrible behaviour from your daughter's "friends"! Teenagers can really be awful.
I am happy that she has a supportive family! I am not a parent myself, so like I said I can't really give advice, but I hope you will find a solution.
Is she involved in any hobbies outside of school where perhaps she can meet other friends?
I wish you all the best!

Original poster
inigomontoyahwillcox · 22/03/2023 14:25

That's really kind of you @SkaneTos - thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
inigomontoyahwillcox · 22/03/2023 14:26

Sorry, I should have said, yes - tonnes of extra-curriculars, although all individual sports, am thinking she should try a group sport, like hockey.

OP posts:
Ireallydohope · 22/03/2023 14:28

No not crazy

I did it for my DC and it was the best thing I could have done

I made sure I contacted the council and school I planned to move her to in advance to ensure there was space etc it all happened very swiftly

Ireallydohope · 22/03/2023 14:31

I made the final decision to move her

We had discussed it like you had with your DD and at first decided it was better to stay at the school but then everything just disintegrated and I was really annoyed with myself for not making the decision earlier

lechatnoir · 22/03/2023 14:33

Just move her and I'd do it ASAP so she doesn't have to start as the new girl in September. I contemplated this for my eldest (failing academics and getting in the wrong crowd rather than bullying) and really regret not being the parent and taking the decision out of his hands although tighter controls were likely to result in more resistance.

As she is going to a private school I'd consider repeating a year particularly if she's immature/summer born or if academic progress has been affected and you have this flexibility at private school. My friend did this for her daughter after some pretty nasty bullying she had really lost confidence & repeating year 10 and being an older one has been the making of her.

Ireallydohope · 22/03/2023 14:34

A small independent school would probably suit her needs well if your parents are offering to pay I'd grab that

Ireallydohope · 22/03/2023 14:36

And not to upset you more but the bullying is probably worse than you know

OriginalUsername2 · 22/03/2023 14:39

Yes, I would move her. It sounds like she’s coping by fawning to all these bullies. It would be better to teach her to remove herself from toxic situations rather than accept them.

Original poster
inigomontoyahwillcox · 22/03/2023 16:18

Ireallydohope · 22/03/2023 14:31

I made the final decision to move her

We had discussed it like you had with your DD and at first decided it was better to stay at the school but then everything just disintegrated and I was really annoyed with myself for not making the decision earlier

Yes, I can relate to the feeling annoyed with yourself thing - I wish I had taken things out of DDs hands a year or so ago, she needs a parent to make the decision for her I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
inigomontoyahwillcox · 22/03/2023 16:20

lechatnoir · 22/03/2023 14:33

Just move her and I'd do it ASAP so she doesn't have to start as the new girl in September. I contemplated this for my eldest (failing academics and getting in the wrong crowd rather than bullying) and really regret not being the parent and taking the decision out of his hands although tighter controls were likely to result in more resistance.

As she is going to a private school I'd consider repeating a year particularly if she's immature/summer born or if academic progress has been affected and you have this flexibility at private school. My friend did this for her daughter after some pretty nasty bullying she had really lost confidence & repeating year 10 and being an older one has been the making of her.

She is indeed a summer-born (late July) - another thing I wish I'd done is start her a year later from the outset, hindsight eh 🙄

OP posts:
Newjumper2023 · 22/03/2023 16:28

I moved dc in year 10 was February when it happened after appeal. There were pros and cons. Definitely was happier, end up going from predicted 3s or below in everything to 4-6s. School did catch up in one subject as they realised dc was way behind due to a medical recurring appointment clashing with the same subject. Dc was expected to self catch up on the curriculum already covered this meant lots of extra work. One gcse had to be swapped for another but this worked out fine and dc was happy enough with the change. Overall it was the right descision. Friendships were hard because of establish groups but did make a couple of friends.

EggInANest · 22/03/2023 16:33

I wouldn’t move a child in Yr 10 unless they were begging to be moved.

Could totally scupper GCSEs, surely? Different exam boards, curriculum taught in different order etc.

NotLovingWFH · 22/03/2023 17:28

We did it and got similar reasons. It was the right thing to do but we waited for Dd to make the decision herself which she did at the end if the first term in Yr 10.
Moved halfway through the second term and had to drop one subject and take another that was available.
Was hard but she passed all her GCSE’s which wouldn’t have happened if we’d left her in the original school.
I would just say don’t expect things to be all roses at the new school. We had a few months of huge improvement then the friendship issues started again because she still had the same difficulties.

Original poster
inigomontoyahwillcox · 22/03/2023 17:49

NotLovingWFH · 22/03/2023 17:28

We did it and got similar reasons. It was the right thing to do but we waited for Dd to make the decision herself which she did at the end if the first term in Yr 10.
Moved halfway through the second term and had to drop one subject and take another that was available.
Was hard but she passed all her GCSE’s which wouldn’t have happened if we’d left her in the original school.
I would just say don’t expect things to be all roses at the new school. We had a few months of huge improvement then the friendship issues started again because she still had the same difficulties.

Yes, indeed, I'm certainly not expecting her to suddenly fit in, as though her issues don't exist, but am just hoping that a fresh start will allow her to be in an environment where she isn't bullied on a daily basis.

OP posts:
Nitha1008 · 22/03/2023 17:50

We had a complicated end of year 9 that resulted in us ending the school year without a safe school to attend. We ended up doing the first term via a private online school until we eventually got a place at a school close enough. A few things I'd mention:

  • you may find you need a tutor as exam boards can be different. English, History, and Geography we found the most significant differences
  • we also found the school offered different languages so we had to choose a completely new subject
  • moving schools is not as easy as it used to be. We applied to 7 schools in total and 6 rejected due to capacity. Not sure if private is easier though and of course it varies per location
  • also uniforms can take ages to arrive so you might need to get a loan blazer whilst you wait. Again it depends on the school/provider
  • the first weeks were full of worry so if you can get time off work go for it! And don't feel bad about dropping the head of year a quick call or email to get their feedback on whether your teen has settled
  • ultimately though it has been fantastic. We love the school and once my teen settled and made friends it has been a smooth process
Napmum · 22/03/2023 18:00

No, you're not crazy. My sister kept putting off moving my niece when she had a similar situation. Sister was concerned about it affecting her GCSEs but in the end. Niece redid the GCSEs at college after being hoke schooled when the bullying got too much. The sooner you move her the better, you've tried other routes and it's not getting any better.

Original poster
inigomontoyahwillcox · 22/03/2023 21:03

Nitha1008 · 22/03/2023 17:50

We had a complicated end of year 9 that resulted in us ending the school year without a safe school to attend. We ended up doing the first term via a private online school until we eventually got a place at a school close enough. A few things I'd mention:

  • you may find you need a tutor as exam boards can be different. English, History, and Geography we found the most significant differences
  • we also found the school offered different languages so we had to choose a completely new subject
  • moving schools is not as easy as it used to be. We applied to 7 schools in total and 6 rejected due to capacity. Not sure if private is easier though and of course it varies per location
  • also uniforms can take ages to arrive so you might need to get a loan blazer whilst you wait. Again it depends on the school/provider
  • the first weeks were full of worry so if you can get time off work go for it! And don't feel bad about dropping the head of year a quick call or email to get their feedback on whether your teen has settled
  • ultimately though it has been fantastic. We love the school and once my teen settled and made friends it has been a smooth process

Thank you - that's brilliant advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
inigomontoyahwillcox · 22/03/2023 21:05

Napmum · 22/03/2023 18:00

No, you're not crazy. My sister kept putting off moving my niece when she had a similar situation. Sister was concerned about it affecting her GCSEs but in the end. Niece redid the GCSEs at college after being hoke schooled when the bullying got too much. The sooner you move her the better, you've tried other routes and it's not getting any better.

I'm wondering whether redoing the year may be the way forward, fortunately the school were looking at has a lot of the same GCSE options, although different exam boards so not necessarily the same syllabus. I'll give them a call and see what their thoughts are.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 22/03/2023 21:19

No adult would be expected to continue in a situation like this. I think you need to take control as it sounds like she's trying to put on a brave face. It sounds awful. Are there any people she has met through hobbies who go to a different school?

I don't think bullying is non-existant in private schools but classes are smaller and there might be more extra-curricular she can do to stay out of the way. She may also make friends this way. I don't think she should have to put up with all this.

Raineth · 22/03/2023 22:26

MOVE.

Bobbi730 · 22/03/2023 23:03

We're moving our son (also ADHD) in year 9 to a small private school as he has had an awful time with bullies and just generally horrible kids.
I'm less bothered about academic success than him having his self esteem completely ruined and the impact that could have on his life as a whole. He's a summer baby too so is able to repeat year 8.
I say do it if you can find a good small school. Who cares if the mean girls 'win'. A friend of mine did this last year with her son who was being badly bullied and he's thriving now.

Beddfellows · 22/03/2023 23:10

I moved school at the same stage. I remember working in the summer holidays to catch up (different exam boards) but then managed to get good exam results. I would definitely move her, and help her work out how to catch up academically. Being bullied is unlikely to be helping her to thrive academically where she is.

tatteddear · 23/03/2023 07:42

We loved our dd in similar circumstances and she has thrived. She moved a month before the end of year 10. She has had some extra work to do as there are bits of the syllabus she didn't do at her previous school but they did in year 10 at her current one, but equally there are bits she has done that the others at her school haven't so the time sort of evens out.
She has made friends and settled well.

Most importantly she has gone from being suicidal and school refusing to happy and Getting herself up and into school.
She might not get quite the GCSE results she would have at her old school in terms of the straight academics but she is here and happy and that to me is more important.

tatteddear · 23/03/2023 07:45

*moved (though we do also love her Smile)

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