Bullying problems - 15 yo DD wants to move schools. HELP!

[NotDoinNuffin]

Buckle up. This is lengthy and rambling!

I have one child; a funny, kind, sensitive, geeky, arty, and clever DD who has just turned 15. She's in Y10 and has issues with being bullied by one group after another. She has always been anxious socially be feels like everyone is laughing at her or avoiding her. I don't think the repeated lock downs have helped anyone, but she has always particularly struggled to make friends as she's shy and awkward around her fellow awkward teens. She's found it hard to settle in to her senior school and from time to time says she wants to leave her private school and go to the local comp.

We looked at various other schools in Y9, but in the end she decided to stay put with the attitude that it was better the devil you know. There have been repeated issues with bullying, which the school have tried to help with to a certain extent including moving her registration class, but she is now convinced that "everyone hates her" and she "can't learn anything there". She's completely determined to leave. We've tried to be supportive, organised a counsellor, encouraged her to hold tight til sixth form, but she is so unhappy and tries anything not to go to school. She feels like her dad and I don't listen or take her seriously. I feel like we do nothing but listen and it's breaking my heart to see her so unhappy. What should we do?

Is moving schools halfway through the GCSE course a disaster? Are the courses from various exam boards really different? She's clever, but not all that motivated. Will she be able to catch up?

Is "rescuing" her going to set up a dynamic for her future? She has quite an avoidant personality and has always been more flight than fight. Are we undermining ourselves by agreeing to this having said so far that it's a bad idea? DH thinks letting her move schools is just encouraging her to "run away" and avoid things she finds hard.

Will this even help anyway? I worry that she won't be able to out run this dynamic and will have the same issues anywhere. Is this teen angst and rage a hormonal thing? When will it ever end?!

I'm at my wits end and have no idea where to turn, so my dear nest of vipers... please share your wisdom with a woman on the edge.

It's not the best year to move but having an unhappy teen isn't ideal either.
Maybe contact the possible local schools - see what the deal is for transfer, check what exam boards they are doing (if it's the same as your DD has been doing she might have less of a hill to climb). Check what their strategies are for support etc for anxious students.
I don't think you're necessarily setting up a negative pattern of behaviour. This school might be a poor fit for her and she might be happier elsewhere.
Your DH might want her to tough it out, but it's not him having a miserable time.

Thank you so much for answering. I'm having a little cry. I agree that it's easy for DH to say to "tough it out" but it's not him stuck in a miserable place. And I think I'm the one seeing more of the tears and rage from her. I was beginning to feel like I was going mad, so it's really nice to have some other views.

Move her.

GCSE's are not as important as her mental health.

Bullying and social isolation like this can lead to self-harm, eating disorders, depression and suicide

Move her. She tried. It’s not working. Have a fresh start.

and see if she could redo year 10 elsewhere after having a break.

Move her. GCSEs only matter to get her to the next stage of her education. As long as she passes she'll be fine. Her happiness is more important.

I wouldn’t try to make her tough it out - what on earth is your dh thinking?! If you were in an awful job you would leave right? The problem with the exam boards is real, so for examples they may do different texts in English, but I would still let her leave. She is bright she should hopefully be able to make up enough of the gap and science and maths should be fine. There may be issues where they don’t do one of her options for example though. Still, I would rather move her and she came out with some GCSEs than became a complete school refuser and got nothing or worse ended up suicidal. I know that sounds dramatic, but it’s not outside the realms of possibility.

I would move her too, bullying can have a life long impact on a person’s self-esteem and mental health. Maybe she could go down a year and repeat year 10? Exams are important but can be repeated. It’s tough on you all so you have my sympathies.

I’d check out other schools. See whether she’d easily be able to move and see what vibe you get from these other schools. I’d also get right onto the school about bullying. I was badly bullied at school, self harmed and ended up really damaged by it. I was described as awkward and shy and it’s lightly I’m autistic.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I know deep down you're right. Her happiness is her main priority. I'm not sure why I'm so worried about her grades, education, CV, bah.. blah.. blah... She's 15 ffs! It just feels so close to the end but I guess 14 months feels like forever when you're miserable.

As you say, the issues could follow her: if she's been bullied by "one group after another", including through a form group change, I'd worry that moving schools won't help either. You don't seem to suggest that the school is unsupportive or is known to have a big bullying problem.

Did the counselling seem to help her in any way?

Have the school looked at possible SEN issues including ASD? You say she's avoidant, geeky. You may know that autistic girls can present very differently from boys.

Does she have any friendships outside school? Siblings?

You say she's always been socially awkward and clever, geeky, sensitive - she couldn't possibly be ND could she? I would contact other possible schools, see if they could take her and let her visit to see how it goes there for a day or two before she decides for definite. I think you have to take this seriously as she probably won't do well at her current school when she feels like this. The sooner she moves the better if she is going to move.

She could move and start Y10 again in September (move into Y9 now)? It is very difficult to change schools in Y10 or Y11. They teach different syllabuses, teach topics in different order (so even if the school did the same syllabus they might have taught different topics in Y10 which she will have missed completely), choose different topics and texts or even not teach the same options range.

I say this not wanting to offend but because it is often the case, in my experience. Children who are the victim of widespread bullying by different groups, are often in the same situation when they change schools. Teenagers are not always kind and seem to sense vulnerability and those inclined to do so are quick to exploit that. She could jump from the pan to the fire.

Both mine had this around this age. One I could move schools and she thrived, found friends, much more understanding school, came out with 12 gcses at grades 8 and 9 and 1 AS level at an A then got herself two great jobs over the summer and onto A levels.

The other had an ehcp and la argued no bullying going on and had to stay. He ended up admitted to hospital. Now they will let him change schools. Psych has said his behaviour is consistent with a severely bullied child.

I would move her or at least look at options. If you were in a job where people were horrible to you and you had chance to leave you would take it, should be same for her. Your DH is wrong.

And I take your point about the lasting damage to her mental health. That's my number one priority.

Is redoing Y10 even a thing? I had no idea. I was mostly worried that all the exam boards would teach different things so she wouldn't be able to catch up in time for the exams next Spring. I hadn't even thought of going back a year as an option. Now very busy Googling and bracing myself for yet another row with DH.

Move her. I was bullied and didn’t have an option to leave my school. It is the worst feeling - knowing you are trapped, day after day, sick with dread. There were whole terms I genuinely wished I was not alive. The impact on my MH was dramatic, 30 years on and I can still see the impact on how I react to certain challenges in my personal and working life.

”Rescuing” her could lead to a lifetime of her being extremely glad she had the courage to confide in you, and you had the courage to give her a chance to rebuild a life in a new school. It could be the making of her.

Whereas realistically she doesn’t stand much of a chance of happiness where she is now.

Not an easy choice, of course. But I’d let her move schools - you’ve exhausted years of opportunity and got nowhere. Give the girl a chance to start afresh. And who CARES about GCSEs, her life chances will be smashed if her trust in you as parents, her self esteem, her self confidence are destroyed.

I moved school at that age due to lack of friends and similar issues and looking back now I honestly think it was a mistake. She’s not going to end up some social butterfly just because she’s moved school so she’s going to be unlikely to manage to break into well established friendship groups.

Try and help her find a way to stay where she is or could she even leave and go to college?

Let her move.

I moved my child in year 10 because of unhappiness & bullying and it was absolutely right thing to do. They thrived in the new school, with a fresh start. And grades improved massively too.

Not offensive at all. I completely agree! She's not been assessed for ASD, but is very sensitive and struggles in social situations. She's also highly empathetic and has a number of friends outside school. But as the shy, skinny, bookish, gay kid with glasses and acne, as she says herself she might as well carry a neon sign saying "BULLY ME". Wouldn't arriving late and being in the wrong year for her age make that worse? Or am I overthinking it?
You've articulated my worries about teaching the GCSE content in time for the exams better than I can too. This is exactly what I'm concerned about. Just don't know what to do for the best...

Move or look into home education. With all due respect, your DH is a moron.

It's very difficult. If you can find a school where you think she will be happy- bearing in mind she will have to start every relationship from scratch; students and staff- it might be best for her to start Y10 again.

Another alternative would be she goes into Y10 and for the school provides her with some extra support in, say, English and Maths and Science or wherever the biggest gap is and for her to drop one GCSE to do that. But you need to be very careful with that because it often ends up with the student sitting in the library alone doing 'private study' with no one actually teaching him/her.

Or she goes into Y10 and you get her private tuition for the 'gaps' from the change -very difficult to find really good tutors who know the detail of the different exam board requirements and who would liaise with her subject teachers.

Or, is there a way her current school can offer her some support and protection? For example a place to go with a couple of 'friends' at lunchtime and break where she would feel safe and be away from the noise and crowds, a named member of staff who makes a point of catching up with her formally every day, perhaps at lunchtime or break to support and 'mentor' her? Can they identify 'hotspots' for her and try to remove/avoid those?

Yes I think it would be hard to start again in year 10 but what does she think about it? And would there be room at the local comp?

This is only my experience but I moved in year 10 due to bullying and it remains the best decision I ever made. My parents didnt want me to as went from a fancy 'nice' school to the dodgy local comp but after years of bullying and MH impact they let me. I understood their worries but needed a fresh start by that point, I couldnt focus on studying because I felt so miserable. Moving schools broadened my horizons and allowed me to meet new people with no baggage. By that age I would say she knows her own mind and you can strengthen your bond with her by supporting her.

Your DH is an idiot. If you can solve a problem by running away, then run away. I doubt a fresh start could be any worse than her current situation.

Move her. Her mental wellbeing is the priority. Everything else can be sorted. Frankly, I don't know what your dh is thinking - would he be prepared to put up with daily torture, for years?