Bullying problems - 15 yo DD wants to move schools. HELP!

[NotDoinNuffin]

Buckle up. This is lengthy and rambling!

I have one child; a funny, kind, sensitive, geeky, arty, and clever DD who has just turned 15. She's in Y10 and has issues with being bullied by one group after another. She has always been anxious socially be feels like everyone is laughing at her or avoiding her. I don't think the repeated lock downs have helped anyone, but she has always particularly struggled to make friends as she's shy and awkward around her fellow awkward teens. She's found it hard to settle in to her senior school and from time to time says she wants to leave her private school and go to the local comp.

We looked at various other schools in Y9, but in the end she decided to stay put with the attitude that it was better the devil you know. There have been repeated issues with bullying, which the school have tried to help with to a certain extent including moving her registration class, but she is now convinced that "everyone hates her" and she "can't learn anything there". She's completely determined to leave. We've tried to be supportive, organised a counsellor, encouraged her to hold tight til sixth form, but she is so unhappy and tries anything not to go to school. She feels like her dad and I don't listen or take her seriously. I feel like we do nothing but listen and it's breaking my heart to see her so unhappy. What should we do?

Is moving schools halfway through the GCSE course a disaster? Are the courses from various exam boards really different? She's clever, but not all that motivated. Will she be able to catch up?

Is "rescuing" her going to set up a dynamic for her future? She has quite an avoidant personality and has always been more flight than fight. Are we undermining ourselves by agreeing to this having said so far that it's a bad idea? DH thinks letting her move schools is just encouraging her to "run away" and avoid things she finds hard.

Will this even help anyway? I worry that she won't be able to out run this dynamic and will have the same issues anywhere. Is this teen angst and rage a hormonal thing? When will it ever end?!

I'm at my wits end and have no idea where to turn, so my dear nest of vipers... please share your wisdom with a woman on the edge.

What bullying is she being subjected to? You haven't quite said, just that she feels no one likes her etc. What are they actually doing to her?

@NotDoinNuffin

My DD was a very shy at primary school.... she was bullied as a 6 year old, i moved her to a different school, she thrived and couldn't have been happier.

Fast fwd to yr9/10 constant bulling in the local comp, she wanted to move, i backed her 100% again, brilliant move, got through all her GCSE's (they weren't brilliant) but enough to get 3 A levels which were & they are the exams you need to get to Uni, if thats what she wants.

Trust your DD and support her is my advice, the bullying will not go away and despite what a pp implied.... it isn't her fault and wont follow her, most kids are decent but some are vile.

Definitely move her ! If she's bright and in private school she'll probably be way ahead of most in a state comprehensive . Anyway, like you say, her MH is most important

Plus ., she is relying on you to support her. Validate her feelings and show her that you've heard by moving her if she is sure that is what she wants

I was also thinking about neurodiversity and would be concerned that the problems will follow her which could be an even greater disaster. Is there any way you could homeschool until after GCSEs? Then maybe a change of school at that point, or perhaps even better, a much larger sixth form college where there might be enough people for her to 'find her tribe'. In any case by 6 form lots of the bullying disappears.

One of the mistakes I made with my ASD child was thinking a small school (allegedly 'friendly' and 'nurturing') would be better. It just meant they were isolated as there just wasn't enough children like them so friendships became an issue.

We just moved our Y10 about 3 weeks ago after a horrible time at the old school. He told us the other day that this was the first time for ages that he hadn't dreaded going in. So we certainly don't regret our decision.

I’d move her in a heartbeat. Life is too short! Moving in year 10 isn’t ideal but being miserable will have a worse effect on her grades than moving.
Talk about the need to commit to some catch up work and then get her gone! Good luck

It's a gamble but maybe not much of one given how unhappy and trapped she is (how much worse is it realistically likely to be)

I moved schools a lot and eventually found my crowd age 16 (1 year after joining that school).

It may be it's a good age to move and meet new people just as they are all starting to mature a bit.

She's also highly empathetic and has a number of friends outside school.
Could she join their school?

We moved D17 in the last term in year 10. Her end of year exams were terrible but she was allowed to re-do them - she just kept having anxiety attacks. Start of year 11 was a bit rough but then was amazing. The other kids matured, she made wonderful friends. She was bullied from year 8 at her previous school and we were told to wait til year 11, but i wish we didn't wait. We had to deal with self harming and eating disorder from it all. Though the school she's in now is very acamdemic and she is arty and while first in drama she's not good at anything else, so i just have to keep telling the teachers she's trying and she's happy which is all i can ask for. She will finish school which a year and a bit ago i didn't think she would get there.

I had an awful time with bullying at school and asked my parents repeatedly to leave. They said no, on the logic that I'd hate any school as I just wasn't cut out for it. Not in the academic sense, I was a straight A student, but more my personality (I expect I'm ND but never pursued a diagnosis and it wasn't really a thing at the time). Honestly I wish they'd let me move once. Even if I was similarly miserable at the new school I would have at least felt I'd given it a shot, and that my parents tried to help.

I did understand where my parents were coming from. They're right in that the basic premise of school isn't likely to be an environment I'd ever thrive in, and it was a very academic school so that side suited me. But I did have people that actively tried to make my life miserable, and facing that every day really, really sucked.

^This.
also by letting her move, you will teach her that she doesn’t have to stay in an awful situation.

I'm another saying move her.

My ds went state to state because of bullying and I was worried as he went from a small (550) pupil state school to a fairly large (1500) pupil state.

It was the best thing ever for him. Also I think having more pupils meant more people like him and so he found his tribe.

Agreeing with all the people above- what does it matter if she’s miserable? Plus if she’s already checked out in her head there’s not much that will readjust her to the school she’s in. Best of luck op, it’s so tough seeing them not happy x

I was in a similar situation at her age. My parents even had the same line about 'running away'. I wasn't allowed to move school, ended up refusing to attend altogether and had very poor mental health well into my twenties. I got the GCSEs. They really weren't worth that cost. Lower grades but less unhappiness would have been far better. I didn't go to sixth form at all because I felt like I'd finally escaped 'school'. It took a long time before I could engage with education again.

Would another school have instantly solved all my problems? No. Would it have been better for me? Probably. But what did the most damage was feeling utterly trapped in a situation I hated, powerless to do anything about it. Having the agency to try somewhere else, feeling as if my suffering was being taken seriously? That would have made a difference in itself, I think.

If I'd been in a job and been as miserable as I was at that school I'd have been signed off sick in a heartbeat. Like a PP, I wanted to die a lot of the time. As an adult, I wouldn't stay in a situation (job, relationship, location) that made me feel that bad for 14 months, no matter what the benefits were. I don't think that's a great life lesson. Because my happiness matters too. Sometimes for self-preservation, 'running away' is the rational thing to do.

For what it's worth, my dc's did much better in a very large high school with a performing arts magnet (in usa). There were so many ND kids like them, that they didn't stick out as being different.

If your dd wants to move, I would let her move. So what if she has to repeat a year....much better than her becoming depressed and suicidal.

There's a great book about Girl Bullying (as a very distinct concept from boy bullying). It's called Odd Girl Out and I highly recommend it. One of the key points is how important it is for parents to acknowledge and support the bullied daughter.

there’s a tipping point. Marginally unhappy and tolerating something irritating for the short term would be fine but desperately down, mental health significantly compromised, refusing school is not fine. The most important thing is well-being, you looking after her well-being and her learning how to look after her well-being. In turn a happy child is more likely to thrive educationally.

Look at it this way, if your DH was desperately unhappy in a toxic workplace which was effecting his mental health and attendance, would he stay or move jobs? Most adults would review an unhappy toxic situation and make active choices to change things. Sadly children have very little choice and are usually expected to shut up and put up, knuckle down and work regardless. What does this teach them? That they have little control and that their well-being is bottom of the list.

in your shoes I’d systematically look through all the options available with her. Local comp visit (possibly with paid tutor to help her catch up), present private school sending work home (utilising curriculum plan yourself), local colleges with a 14-16 curriculum (lots of quirky home schooled kids), online iGCSEs. Let her make informed choices. What ever the outcome she will need a plan to catch up and this should come from her before swapping provisions.

lastly look at the entry requirements needed for what she wants to do next. Often it’s just 5 GCSEs at grade 4/5 and above, which for a bright child is easily achievable.

also it might help to get some professional careers advice to help her look forwards, making the right decision for herself. It might be that an apprenticeship or T level or other level 3 course might be of more interest then A levels.

As a person who was bullied at school. I say move her. The long term affects of bullying on your mental health, esteem, life choices is awful. It took a long time for me to start to feel ok with who I am. I don't know if I would have been happier if I moved but at least I would have felt heard and supported.

I agree with JanglyBeads, I’d be concerned she’ll have the same issues elsewhere and it would amplify the feelings of ‘everyone hates me’. Can a teacher give her somewhere to go if she’s really struggling? My art teacher used to allow GCSE students in the art room during lunch and break.

I think keep going with counselling. How long has it been for? Counselling often takes a really long time to break through to the key stuff. You have to recognise those feelings and then actually accept them and work to change them and it can be a long road, but an effective one. I’d also look at which counsellor you’ve gone for. If you think she’s potentially ND, is the counsellor experienced in that? My school counsellor was unhelpful, but a different counsellor really helped me. She was trusting, but equally challenged me to rethink things.

Also, will she chat to you about attempts to make friendships? My son is most likely ND and sometimes he’s a bit black and white thinking and makes slightly off social decisions. For example, not wanting to be told a ‘secret’ by a friend because he didn’t want the responsibility of keeping it. I had to explain some children call lots of things secrets, that secrets can be bonding and that some secrets are fun and good (eg. A surprise party). He’s a lot younger than your DD, though.

Id also maybe try to find her some outside school friends. Is there a club she can join? It would really boost her self esteem to have some friends to go to outside school and chat about what’s happening and just have fun. What kind of interests does she have?

It sounds such a tricky situation, but hang in there, I know so many people who really didn’t get on at school and were bullied but now are really happy and have lots of friends.

Thank you all so much for your kindness and wisdom. I've had a busy day calling a number of different schools to arrange visits and explore options. I feel vindicated in my instincts to move her, and also in my doubts and worries, but DD is so much happier already and that's all that really matters. Fingers crossed that all's well that ends well...

I have no real advice but I'm going through the same with my own year 10 DD. Unfortunately she has been on a waiting list for 2 months now as no spaces in local schools In her year group... she's getting more and more unhappy and therefore more and more behind and disengaged academically. The second a space comes up she'll be moved but I'm worried it will never happen at this rate. She was second on the list but has moved down to 4th as people who live nearer the other school applied after us. LEA are worse than useless, no advice or support. It's a nightmare.

I'd homeschool but as a full time teacher myself and a single parent I just can't juggle it. Funnily enough we went through the same with my eldest DD in year 10 as well- she got a space at a new school instantly and it was the making of her. Bright, geeky and socially awkward but she thrives in the new school and got 11 As and A* despite picking up some different option subject half way through year 10 due to move. I don't think my youngest is going to find it as easy as it's dragging on so long and she's not as self motivated.

We had a similar experience with moving. 7 applications in total and months of stress. We couldn't keep our teen in the registered school for safety issues so we used an online school. Lots of kids in similar situations so if you can afford the fees it's an option to home school whilst working.

Eventually we got a local school and moved in the second term of year 10. Catching up had been okay, teen is also ND (with some demand avoidance) so that has its own challenges. But now is safe which is all that matters for me. I've come to terms with the fact they might not get the results we had initially hoped for and I take one day at a time.