IS CUSTY AROUND, I NEED HELP1

[stickyj]

Custy, I have a really difficult letter to write to my son and could do with some input, if you're around

fire away

[custy you should write a book.. so you're always around when we need you ]

Sorry Sticky, carry on x

from the amount of mail to my guru alter ego on my blog - i tink you are right ter shiny.

It might make you mega spondoolies

quiche

Pardon me Mama??

quiche

Hey, hi! I don't know if you remember but I used to be Jollymum and teen ds is a total ar.e! He's still involved with the drug guy, probably not taking but swore he wouldn't contact him and has. Cheeky sod has phoned here too and he sounds so pleasant,,,,scary. Any latest ds thing-PSP went missing couple of weeks ago and various monies have gone missing since Xmas. DS always accused by other kids (which makes me sad) but we are pretty sure it's him. Littlest one lost £20 Xmas money but tbh he's lax at putting stuff away and it could have got thrown away with the Xmas rubbish. Anyway, PSP found and other kids apolgies to ds for thinking it's him. It went missing again and with my mother's instinct I went to the CEX shop (trading games place). They know me in there and I just asked if DS1 had sold anything recently. He had, the PSP for £57! Was furious, got all the kids together in a lineup and grilled them. DS lied through his teeth and when confronted with the truth, snapped and got in my face. Told his littlest brother (who idolises him) that Mum thought he was on drugs and toitally shifted the emphasis away from the stealing. I told my DH who wanted him straight out to live with his Dad (my ex). Sorry, longish story! Anyway, DS carted off to his Dad's last Monday...he has now got a job (made to by his Dad who's wife has the time to run him around) and he started yesterday. Money will be paid back etc but I really don't want him back here yet. It's not as upsetting as last time, I really got depressed, but I need to write him a letter. I sat down with him three weeks ago and we had a real heart to heart. Obviously didn't work. I have put all his clothes in a black bag and am going to put in the letter that his clothes need sorting out ('cos lots are too small) and he can keep the rest at his Dad's. Ex wants me to have him back every so often so he can go to his holiday home. I need to not spout off at DS because I want him to feel hurt that I don't want him but not hurt enough to disappear when he's 18 (IN mARCH) AND LIOVE WITH THIS DRUGGY GUY. i NEED A SHORT, SHARP LETTER (AND i WILL TELL HIM i LOVE HIM 'COS i DO) BUT IT NEEDS TO BE CLEVERLY EVIL. wOW, SORRY, LONG POST BUT AM REALLY SAD HAVING TO WRITE ABOUT THE TOTAL FAILURE THAT DS HAS BECOME AND HOW WEAK HE IS (GAMBLING PROBLEMS BUT WON'T ADMIT THEM). (sORRY CAPITALS TOO, 'COS i'M FILLING UP[SAD]

Sorry for butting (back) in but do you not think the stealing could be to fund a drug habit? Why don't you think he's using?

Its a complicated one for sure.

What is he working as?

Does the logistis of him being at his dads mean he is less likely to see drug guy?

BTW Jollymum- i remember you fondly fromt he xmas 2003 when you said i could come say with ou becuase it hought xmas was pants!

stay

Don't really know, that's just it. Swears he gambled the money and he had been playing tennis with his SS and had about one hour to spend £90. She saw him after that and he wasn't stoned or anything. He has been in fights and personally I think he owes people money and he's getting used a the kid that collects money for the drug guy. TBH he tells so many lies (and I have serious memory problems) that he gets all of us confused. Have had a really bad time feeling I should have been a better mum but things were his choice not mine. Terrible guilt feelings too. There's lots of stuff gone on before (when I was Jollymum) and he's worn me out. I feel like he needs help but when I get texts on MY phone, (he swapped sim cards with me and forgot to delete his contact list!!) like "Where you at brother" from this drug guy, I could kill him.

Custy you are welcome at my house anytime. He's working as a kind of receptionist/booking person for British Gas and because the trains aren't working has to get up early and travel to Startford. He is not allowed a front door key there and his Dad has just fitted locks on all the bedroom doors because he can't be trusted. He will get paid weekly and we all know that it will just disappear. This guy won't go away I think and TBH I don't know what hold he has over DS. I can't say too much in case DS gets on here, but I'll just say I have friends who are "looking into things" for me and this guy WILL get caught sooner or later. DS has been perfectly behaved at his dad's...what more can he do. Nowhere to go there really but his dad has been playing golf with him, gym etc and I know if I let him back here, the whole mess will start again. But I love him...

Report the drug guy for dealing?

i thinkyou need to speak to his dad and make his dad take board money from him

i charge 1/3 of sons wages - so up or down - proportinally its fair.

then put it into a secret secret secret account - doesnt have tobe in his name - for him when he is older.

this way if circumsances change ad he does end up back at home- then there will be thisfinancial continuity.

and of course he will have less to spend on drugs and gambling and when he hits 21 and wants a house there might be a few grand as a deposit.

but you mustn't tell him

this as got to be a lesson in life

one works
one pays bills
tough shit - get over it

SHP, it's tricky. I know where he works and DS has admitted he's a dealer. However, he knows where I live and I have three other kids. DS has said (because we threatened to report him before) that we will have to be very careful. This guy is tough and I am scared that one of my kids might get hurt or even DS if this guy thinks he's involved. I am working on it annonymously through this "friend"

sounds like dad has things in hand - which is great. boys love their dads

dad playing golf and gym lots of testosterone time

i think that this gives you time to stop beingthe bad guy.

someone else is parenting at th momet - and this is like a parenting holiday - take it!

i dont thn ou should write a letter

i think that you should come to the arrangement that your exh reminds yoursonto ring you every night after tea

you should ask him how his day was
get to know the office banter
who is the office grump
slag
is the boss a total twat?

just be interested in him

be the good guy for a change

tell him yo love him

and let his siblings talk with him on phone - becuase there is a dynamic thre that has to be maintained too.

so NO letter!

regular phone calls

get immersed in his life in a positive way

give yourself a breather!

Cust, his dad is really well off and although he doesn't know it, my dad has a sum of money for each of the kids. I ned to get him to admit to being a gambler, he's gambled the money I gave him for Xmas presents and lied about, gambled his trainer money his nan gave him so it's serious. What about the letter, what do you think I should out apart from you're a little shit and I love you

i know this might not be possible- but have you thouht about moving?

no letter!

get him topay board- not bou money - about real life lesson

Sorry x posted. Custy tbh his dad is a bit of a tw.t sometimes. DS went there before and last a week before his clone of a father (they're so alike) lamped him one and ds went to live a friend. Came home to me then and we had serious talks. He's walking over me I feel. I have been very disinterested in hiom and have barely spoken to him so he gets the message. Other kids really don't care much either way, which upsets me. However they're used to him being away at his dads so that's different.Ex has had to pay a drug guy off (different one) for DS when he got hassled in a bar with his s/sister there. Ex paid off the guy and told him to leave ds alone. I told DS that that must have been the most humiliating, scary thing for a dad to do and he needed to sort himself out. Hasn't worked. He went on the Monday night and I didn't speak to him until the Friday when he came back for a night so ex could go out. Was reasonably normal with him but he was getting a bit cheeky about what tea he wanted so told him to eat what he got and be grateful Went to work on Saturday and he phoned to apologise (too little, too late and just wanting to come home?) Told him I wasn't even prepared to talk about him coming home and wouldn't be for a long time and left it at that (in case I cried and made myself look easy)!Phoned me yesterday telling me about his job and tbh, I was nice but cool. I really don't care at the moment, I can leave my purse out without worrying and not have to change my pin number again. I feel like a crap mother but he's behaving really badly and he's not going to a nice grown up at this rate.[sad

Why would we move? The kids are doing really well at school, I have my business running really well (based from home) and why should he dictate our live? He is really immature and thinks he's a hard man, even walks that "chavvy" walk. I thought about an 18th party for but but realised he has no real friends. He hangs around with real losers, who have phoned here at 2 in the morning and sound just like Vicky Pollard (every word the f word). Out of six friends at school, 5 of them were expelled for stealing, drugs, credit card fraud etc and he went to a really posh school. He had one really nice mate and they don't keep in touch. We only found out about the drugs through another mate's mate, who phoned us up last year and dropped the bombshell. We have been through hell because of DS and the others, especially the littlest, have always had to take a back seat. He's scarily persistent when he wants something and angry when we say no. He has stayed out overnight (with no phone call) at least three times and I have bollocked him, thinking he's od'd or got stabbed. I need him to know that this was the last straw!

Thanks for all the chat, please keep talking just to keep me from crying. Littlest one is here today with me having been a bit sick and I'm having to think about DS1 all the time. Any more suggestions appreciated..

ohno poor you you have really been through it.

its a fine line to be sure.

i think you are playing it well - keeping cool but listening.

moving was just an incidental brain fart i had - ignore me.

its a fine line - you wnat tthem to know that they cant treat you like shit and be a shit role model for their siblings

yet they will always be your baby - you eed to know they are safe

you want to discipline but not run him into the arms of something worse.

i dont think there is an easy answer.

i do understnad youhaving the need for him to hear what you are saying and know why you are doing what you are doing through a letter

but think that you are probably doing the right things instinctively.

sounds like you are a fab mum

hes had loads of chances.

but when do you say - right you piss taking bastard - if lifes so great on the street with drugs - then go be a down and out twat for brains?

you can't - becuase you love him.

i think as long as he always knows this you are onto a winner

xxxxx