I don't know how to be a parent to a teenager

[Smothereandannoyed]

My son is nearly a teenager (12). Since starting high school he's been making new friends which is wonderful.
We've always let him play out with a boy the same age on our estate since he was about 8. Bikes, Rollerblades football etc just after school until about 6pm then come in for tea, all day on weekends.

Since meeting these others he wants to go out with them, further afield, just walking around mainly or in one of their houses. A few Fridays now he's been out and the others can stay out until 10pm.
I find this completely unacceptable at this age and there is no way I will let him do this, especially in winter when it's pitch black. I've been to collect him at 7.45 tonight and of course he's fuming with me and we've ended up having a massive row.
I completely understand why he wants to stay out longer etc but how do we strike a balance? I've no problem with him doing whatever he wants during the day, my issue is night time.
Its got me thinking about when they are a few years older and will want lifts to, from the pub etc and all of that. Myself and my husband are very boring and are not night owls at all. I like to be snuggled in bed by 9 watching TV or reading etc and asleep by 11. I don't want to change this and don't see why I should have to , but of course they are going to want to be up late. I'm absolutely dreading it if I'm perfectly honest.
We also have younger kids aswell who are in bed earlier. Even if he's at home he's shouting and screaming on fortnite and disturbing the household.
I know I'm being a boring old fart and he's just being a normal teenager but I'm finding it hard to adjust.
It doesn't help because the mums I knew from the primary school , all of their boys haven't even began to go out at all yet. They don't even play in the street

I'm the one who has a house full of teens all the time. Two teen boys here, both play on a local football team, one Y11 at school one Y10.
Their friends according to them love coming here - they get fed and watered and can have fun. One of them jokes he's my 3rd son - because he feels ai welcomed here.
I'd much rather be the one with them all here, knowing where they are. I like to be jn bed too by 10 to watch tv and relax. I still get to do that - I'll tell them I'm tired and need to go relax and ask them to keep it down, they always do because the consequence is the won't get another friend to sleepover otherwise.

Learn to be friends with your teen and not their enemy - it makes life so much easier

To agree with @mothertrucking, when DS15 has mates over to stay, we go to bed at our normal time and leave them to it, just ask them to be quiet. It's fine.

As it works out, DS is more likely to be round at his friends' places on weekend afternoons rather than evenings, but that's just good luck on our part. (And he can get himself to most of them, on either bike or public transport.)

I absolutely agree that your son shouldn’t be out that late but please don’t be the sort of parent who doesn’t want their kids friends in the house. My mother was like that and it really affected me, it was downright embarrassing and I felt very resentful over it. There’s no such thing as your house being your sanctuary when you have children. Your bedroom yes your house no! I made a conscious decision to have an ‘open’ house for my kids friends and very happy I did. My eldest in particular would have his friends round a lot, all welcome to sleep over and all lovely and it warmed my heart to see them all enjoying being in my home, safe - so different from my own mum’s rigid anti social stance.

Your son shouldn't be roaming the streets but you need to allow him and his friends in.

Perhaps agree with him once or twice a week that he can bring them over and you provide snacks and drinks to facilitate.

No one likes fheir home full of teens but it's got to be done!

Love this! Also very helpful

Not true. I loved having my son’s friends in the house and they were always welcome to stay over (sometimes staying for days at a time). It was so different to my own childhood of not being allowed to have friends in the house.

Sorry about all the typos in my post I was laid in bed at the time trying to type!

Eldest DS said the other day all their friends really like us and even their girlfriends like coming here. Youngest DSs girlfriend shouted hiya mum as she walked in the other day! It makes me happy if my home is a sanctuary for them too. I know where my lads are and what they're doing. As long as they respect our home and us I'm happy to have them here.

I do get this but as a parent of teens it can sometimes feel a bit unfair when one set of parents doesn’t want their peace disturbed in the evenings and everyone else does the hosting or late lifts. I also like being in bed early but you do have to compromise a bit if you want your kids to have friends and some form of social life.

Would you prefer him not to have friends?

Having an entire house as your sanctuary is a bit unrealistic when you have children. If you are lucky, you can keep a quiet corner of it for yourself, maybe an armchair in the box room with a shelf of books. A very small garden room is ideal if you have the space.

Thank you for all of your useful comments, it has given me a lot to think about !!
It's not just me that feels this way, his father is even worse than me. He is a very anti social man & we never have people over so just aren't used to it. We have always let our kids have playdates and sleep overs in the past, with just one child. We've done it many times. But this is different as it's a large group of boys. I just feel very uncomfortable at the idea of having them I'm my home especially when I have younger kids .
Our son is a very social person so I have already made peace with the fact that he will want to be out. I don't mind him going out, it's just the issue of what time to be back.
Also he is only in year 7. He has only just started high school and had only known these kids a few months

Start with little changes and gradually build up as he gets into his teens.

If you’re all in bed at 9pm on a sat night, what does your DS do?

Is there room in your garden for a shed/summerhouse @Smothereandannoyed , then they could be at yours without being in the house? Or maybe even the garage - you could add heating and light to either of those, a couple of second hand sofas and a toaster and job done!!

@FrenchandSaunders we aren't asleep at 9, I just get into bed then and watch TV or read. He is in his own room playing on the PlayStation with other friends on the headset shouting and screaming

We are also at the moment in the process of wanting to move house closer to his high school as we live a good few miles away and want to make it easier for him to get there and back and to be closer to friends.
At the moment we have quite a large home but we are wanting to downsize to reduce outgoings etc so we won't have the room to host anyway, it will just be a small 3 bed semi

10pm is too late for a 12 year old to be out, no doubt about that.
But I think you are going to have to start being more flexible I'm afraid, otherwise you're going to be in a state of permanent conflict with your teen. You can keep some rules and boundaries but I'm afraid your days of everyone being safely tucked away and quiet in their rooms from 9pm are numbered.

While I agree 10pm is late for a 12 year old to be out aimlessly hanging around the streets it s not late to be at a friends house or yours with a friend.

I was always happy to have dc friends round as you know where they all are and are safe.
You want to build a system that encourages them to be independent but also know you have their back whatever.

I have done my fair share of emergency lifts at 2am and sitting with drunk teenagers scared to go home because their parents are in bed and will go mad at the state they are in. Don't be like that.

I still have a good relationship with my own adult dc and still see their friends from those times around sometimes.

A friend of my ds (both 35 now) said she always remembered coming to our house as it felt like a safe place and she remembered one particular night I sat up with her while she cried and drank coffee and ate toast while making a hard decision.

Dd and I clashed a lot when she was a teenager but she always knew if things went wrong on a night out she could text me and I d pick her up. She always told me where she would be too.

It's hard when your dc are growing up and not in the safe bubble of primary school anymore but it is rewarding getting them safely through it. They will look back and appreciate it.

It sounds like you just really don't get it,OP.I live in a small 3 bedroom house as a teen. Not uncommon for there to be 8 of us in sleeping bags downstairs. I too live in a small 3 bed house. Last night I slept on my sofa so my child and friends could take over my bedroom where there is more space.

Would it have been my preference? No. Do I want my children to feel like they are always welcome here ? Because knowing this is a safe and welcoming space means a hell of a lot more than me having things exactly how I would prefer them.. they will move out before I know it, and I'd rather that be on positive terms than having spent the past 5 years being as disconnected as possible from them because I didn't want the inconvenience. You need to speak to your husband

Your best bet: get to know his friends’ parents as much as possible. I don’t mean socialise with them but pick them out of the class whatsapp group and then message them when you know they are “hosting”.

You’ll likely find that most of them aren’t allowed out until 10pm, once you ask
the parents. Take what he tells you with a pinch of salt!

Also, make sure that he knows he can tell you anything about his life, his friends etc, and that your primary aim will always be to help and support him first before you get angry!

Communication is key, both with your son, and with his friends’ parents. Teens WILL do stupid things but if you have lines of communication open you can limit damage much easier!

@Sensibletrousers there is no class WhatsApp group or anything. These boys are not ones he went to primary with who I had good friendships with their parents. Hopefully it will develop over time as he's only been there 6 months but at the moment I don't know any of the parents and have no idea where they live

C'mon OP stop being so passive. You need to have his friends' parents' contact details, this is just basic safety. You need to get these and establish some kind of relationship with these people. Your son is 12, you have another 5 years of this. It is inadequate parenting not to know where he is, what he is doing and who he is doing it with. There really isn't any excuse for this (yes my day job is child protection related).

10pm is a bit late , can you compromise eg let him stay later on Friday and Saturday like 9pm. I’d far far prefer they were under mine or another parents roof than in a park. You can keep half an eye, get to know the friends etc.

I actually do sympathise with you with your feeling that “my home is my sanctuary”. When we lived in the UK with shit weather and reasonably small houses the idea of having half a dozen teenagers in my home would not have filled me with joy. When we moved overseas it was much easier to have an open door policy with a big garden and a pool so they could all hang out outside without bothering us. It did pay off though and I have really good relationships with my kids’ friends. When DS1 got married his best man mentioned me in his speech as the mum who always made them feel welcome (and made brownies for hungry teenagers 😁 ). I would really try and be the open door mum if you possibly can.