I don't know how to be a parent to a teenager

[Smothereandannoyed]

My son is nearly a teenager (12). Since starting high school he's been making new friends which is wonderful.
We've always let him play out with a boy the same age on our estate since he was about 8. Bikes, Rollerblades football etc just after school until about 6pm then come in for tea, all day on weekends.

Since meeting these others he wants to go out with them, further afield, just walking around mainly or in one of their houses. A few Fridays now he's been out and the others can stay out until 10pm.
I find this completely unacceptable at this age and there is no way I will let him do this, especially in winter when it's pitch black. I've been to collect him at 7.45 tonight and of course he's fuming with me and we've ended up having a massive row.
I completely understand why he wants to stay out longer etc but how do we strike a balance? I've no problem with him doing whatever he wants during the day, my issue is night time.
Its got me thinking about when they are a few years older and will want lifts to, from the pub etc and all of that. Myself and my husband are very boring and are not night owls at all. I like to be snuggled in bed by 9 watching TV or reading etc and asleep by 11. I don't want to change this and don't see why I should have to , but of course they are going to want to be up late. I'm absolutely dreading it if I'm perfectly honest.
We also have younger kids aswell who are in bed earlier. Even if he's at home he's shouting and screaming on fortnite and disturbing the household.
I know I'm being a boring old fart and he's just being a normal teenager but I'm finding it hard to adjust.
It doesn't help because the mums I knew from the primary school , all of their boys haven't even began to go out at all yet. They don't even play in the street

10pm is too late if our on the streets, 10pm is fine if at a friends house on a weekend night, especially as parents there - although annoying when you have to pick up.

I think expecting other parents to host groups of kids, but not reciprocating because your home “is a sanctuary” is highly hypocritical.
Also it’s your son’s home too.

Myself and my husband are very boring and are not night owls at all. I like to be snuggled in bed by 9 watching TV or reading etc and asleep by 11. I don't want to change this and don't see why I should have to , but of course they are going to want to be up late. I'm absolutely dreading it if I'm perfectly honest.

I have 2 DCs nearly 19 and 16. In some ways I was spared the worst of this as it was Covid times. But TBH I consider it part and parcel of parenting alongside newborn night feeds and toddlers that wake at 5. I will and have picked Dd up from anywhere and everywhere also give lifts to friends to know she is safe. Although it's not my preferred Saturday night activity it can be quite enjoyable chatting to them all in the car on the way home, I have also been known to go via the 24hr drive through McDs- very popular. It's just another phase.

It's his home too, you know! Doesn't he get to have a sanctuary?

The trick with teens is to lower you expectations only go to war on the big things ie safety. I'd say at 12 years old 8pm is a reasonable time to be home. Unless he's staying in someone's house then I'd be ok with 10pm (on a weekend) me and dh did lifts upto 10pm. But tried to encourage walking /public transport where we could. After 10pm (this was 15 plus) they got and paid for a taxi or got a lift with friends parents. (As we had a 2 year old who didn't sleep.) But I did always encourage them to bring friends round up to 5 or 6 usually came and they would hang out in their room. I found that easier. I wouldn't allow shouting once younger ones are in bed as it's not fair on them.

Re curfews:
Yr 7, - Home by 9
Yr 8 9:30
Yr 9 10pm
Yr 10 10:30
Yr 11 11pm although I will push to 11:30 on a Saturday night.

My rules are no hanging about in parks after dark, I want you at a friend's house, cinema also fine. I need the parent's contact details and obviously the address for the pick up.

Friends are always welcome and there is nearly always a spare bed (unless Granny is staying).

Your home may be your sanctuary but it’s his home too. Friends are really important to teenagers so it’s a shame they aren’t welcome. Just set the ground rules. Yes it’s a bit nerve racking but it’s generally ok.

Your home is also his home.

Please think carefully before establishing it as "your sanctuary" and therefore pushing him to having his social life away from you and having friends who are invisible to you. And having to follow the same pattern with all your DC (unless of course you want to provoke sibling warfare by treating them differently).

I think 10pm is too late generally for a 12yo - but it would be fine occasionally for special events.

7.45 is too early though - to put into context, the Scout troop here ends its meetings at 8pm. I think 8.30-9pm (depending on what he's doing) is more suitable.

The thing is that with teenagers you are going to have to compromise. He wants to be with his mates, you don't want him out on the streets until 10 at night (completely understandably), so the compromise is that he has his mates over to yours.

You say you wouldn't want that, and that your home is your sanctuary, but it's actually his home too.

If you don't compromise you are going to find the teenage years very tough.
He won't just accept you dictating how things are going to be. You'll push him away.

Maybe start with him being allowed 3 or 4 friends over.

And yes, if you want your son to be safe, you will eventually be the taxi of mum and dad- why do you think it's such a long-running joke. Parents suck it up to ensure their teenagers are safe and they know what they are doing. It doesn't last forever (much like all stages of childhood).

From experience, the teenage years were fun. Tempestuous, but full of laughter. I loved getting to know my children's friends and hear the giggles and laughter. I often got to see the lovely side of them that wasn't so in evidence when it was just us, and it reminded me they were human and actually still amazing people 😂🥰

You sound like an amazing parent 😊

So, if his friends aren't really welcome to come to his house, he'll tell you he's at so and so's house and hang about the park anyway.
That's what we did.

And yes, if you want your son to be safe, you will eventually be the taxi of mum and dad- why do you think it's such a long-running joke. Parents suck it up to ensure their teenagers are safe and they know what they are doing. It doesn't last forever (much like all stages of childhood).

This, it's a bit like " the baby will have to fit in with us" you can fight it and be unhappy or embrace it (as others up thread have said tea, toast and Mcds) but it is something we all have to go through to produce well adjusted independent adults.

I feel for you. I have a very strong body clock - wake up early and consequently value my early nights. I definitely felt the passing of the stage where the kids went to bed at 7.30 and we got to wind down for a couple of hours before going to bed at 10.

I wouldn't have wanted a 12-year-old 'out' with no destination till 10pm - think you're totally reasonably there. I also wouldn't like the screaming and shouting and disturbing the house playing Fortnite, and think you'd be totally reasonable to address that.

But essentially with the 'home as sanctuary'/not wanting to do late pick ups stuff, I agree with the consensus here - your choices as he gets older are broadly to welcome the chaos and try to be a safe space for him and his friends (in the hope you'll know a bit more about what is going on) or to accept that he'll potentially largely conduct his social life away from you. Which might be fine - not everybody can have the house that the kids congregate at - I always think people might read these threads and feel bad because so many parents on here seem to have the house that the kids hang out at.

Incidentally, we have an 'open house policy' (in a big house close to town with a games room). One of my teens and their friends are here all the time - I'm very much their 'go to' adult in a crisis. One brings friends over fairly often. One virtually refuses to have her friends cross the threshold. I've spoken to her closest schoolfriend a handful of times. It's also about the personality of the kids involved as well as the willingness of the parents.

On the subject of late night lifts one of Dd's friends was in tears when my people carrier died recently as it held so many happy memories for her.

This is a really useful thread thank you, mine aren’t teenage just yet but it won’t be long…and we also need to move house so I’m factoring some of these ideas in as well (location, kitchen full of teenagers 😱😆 etc..

It’s one of the reasons we didn’t open up our house to open plan when we renovated. DS uses the living room and DH and I have the kitchen/diner which has a sofa in it.

Agree with this. I like being alone, I like peace and quiet and I hate clutter in my house (piles of shoes in the hall, umpteen cups and plates on the kitchen counter etc) so the thought of having groups of teens in my house never filled me with joy, but we have always been open to our kids having their friends over. I’d rather they had somewhere safe to hang out than wandering around the town centre or sitting in a park in the evening. Yes they make noise and mess but I’ve learned to suck it up 🤷🏼‍♀️ And actually it’s great to get to know their friends. Teenagers are fascinating and hilarious!

I think if you're not willing to have kids at your house you're going to have to eventually accept that he's going to want to be out later at someone else's house. That's if he's actually at a house and not out on the streets. That's a risk you take if you don't want to supervise yourself.

I think 10pm is too late for a 12 year old so stick to your guns on that. But it does sound like you're being a bit inflexible overall. You can hardly strike a balance if you're not willing to budge on lifts, times, having friends round. Your home may be your sanctuary but it's your child's home too and it's really not unusual to want to have people over. It's not like you have to entertain them at that age, just stock the fridge and leave them to it!

I agree with this

We have always had my sons' friends over (apart from covid obviously) and I have always encouraged it. They are 17 and 18 now and I feel like I know a lot of their friends well. They are terrific young men. One of my favourite post covid memories was the sound of about 10 teenagers playing football and laughing in our garden after such a long period of nothing. An "open door" policy has worked really well for us.

Your DS is 12 and you're right to insist that he's home at a reasonable time. It really isn't very safe for him and a group of other 12-year-olds to be wandering the streets at 10pm and there is no way I'd allow my kids to do that either. They both have friends whose parents are more permissive and my reply to their moans that 'XX's parents let him stay out/stay up until midnight' is 'How other people choose to parent their DC is not my concern - you and your health and safety are' and if they shouted and yelled about it they wouldn't be going out at all next time.

I don't particularly like having large groups of kids at my house either and it's pretty rare, but I don't want my DS to be the one who isn't allowed to have sleepovers or friends round - plus if they're here I know what they're up to! I'd also far rather collect him from wherever he is than have him out alone on the street late at night. You put yourself out a bit for your kids OP, if you care about them. It's called parenting. Your comforts are important, but once in a while you should be prepared to put yourself out a bit.

@Donotgogentle definitely need two separate rooms as you say, and I’ve just added “kitchen big enough for a sofa” onto my “must have” list…or if not the kitchen then my bedroom so I have somewhere to hide 😁… next decision is market town or village (I’d prefer the latter but the former may be better for the DC, so long as I can find a house tucked away from the busyness…

When is he 13? 10pm at a friends house (not on a school night) was acceptable to me at 12 to 13. However, my kids always got bored around 9pm and asked for us to pick them up early anyway. You need to balance your expectations with your son’s expectations and factor in all his friends and what they are expected to do also. IME if you take too much of a hard stance resentment builds and battle lines get drawn and you are in a worse place before you know it. Myself or my husband still pick my teenage kids (16/17and 17/18) up at 1 am and 2 am from parties as we live off the beaten track and that’s not their fault. On some occasions when we can’t they get an Uber but it costs them a fortune. I think you have to build trust and respect with your kids and understand that they are individuals in their own right they don’t just inhabit the family world they inhabit a very different world too which I for one lost all contact with years ago because like you I’m a cup of tea watching tv in bed by 9pm sort of girl that is until the phone goes off at 2 am asking for a lift home 🏡

OP my mum sounds a bit like you and our relationship has been a big struggle for me tbh.

Be kind to yourself but maybe ask yourself why is it that you find this kind of approach difficult or unreasonable of your kid? What were your own family like about you having friends over? I don’t blame my mum very much, her upbringing was awful. But today expectations have changed and we all need to adapt as best we can.

This is a really useful thread.
We're divorcing and I'm looking for a new house.
Somewhere for DS to hang out with mates has been at the back of my mind but actually now I think it's become more essential.
The toast and pizza comment is also very helpful.

Thanks

Same here @fuckitfuckitall, exactly 😎