I don't know how to be a parent to a teenager

[Smothereandannoyed]

My son is nearly a teenager (12). Since starting high school he's been making new friends which is wonderful.
We've always let him play out with a boy the same age on our estate since he was about 8. Bikes, Rollerblades football etc just after school until about 6pm then come in for tea, all day on weekends.

Since meeting these others he wants to go out with them, further afield, just walking around mainly or in one of their houses. A few Fridays now he's been out and the others can stay out until 10pm.
I find this completely unacceptable at this age and there is no way I will let him do this, especially in winter when it's pitch black. I've been to collect him at 7.45 tonight and of course he's fuming with me and we've ended up having a massive row.
I completely understand why he wants to stay out longer etc but how do we strike a balance? I've no problem with him doing whatever he wants during the day, my issue is night time.
Its got me thinking about when they are a few years older and will want lifts to, from the pub etc and all of that. Myself and my husband are very boring and are not night owls at all. I like to be snuggled in bed by 9 watching TV or reading etc and asleep by 11. I don't want to change this and don't see why I should have to , but of course they are going to want to be up late. I'm absolutely dreading it if I'm perfectly honest.
We also have younger kids aswell who are in bed earlier. Even if he's at home he's shouting and screaming on fortnite and disturbing the household.
I know I'm being a boring old fart and he's just being a normal teenager but I'm finding it hard to adjust.
It doesn't help because the mums I knew from the primary school , all of their boys haven't even began to go out at all yet. They don't even play in the street

Imo encourage him to have friends round your home.. Even if it occasionally means lifts home. Under your roof is safest at such a young age op. My teens are free to have mates here.. And sleepover whenever.. Wandering the streets? Def not.

I wouldn't want that either unfortunately, I don't mind having 1 kid over , that's fine. But not a big group

There's been 8 of them tonight and a friends house and they've had a fab time. The parents were there. I love that those parents are happy to do that , but I just don't feel like I can do that. My home is my sanctuary lol

I think you're right to put your foot down - I remember my son used to play out during the lighter evenings (we live in quite a large development which has a football field) and expected him home around 8pm ish at that age - but definitely not wondering the streets.

As for teenagers - sigh - it's hard. I can't relax until I can hear they are back in the house. Luckily it's rare when they are out late at the moment but I know I will always be listening out for that door ....

He’s only 12, no he shouldn’t be out until 10pm at his age! My 14 year old isn’t allowed out that late. Don’t get too hung up on what other parents allow, you trust your instincts.

10pm is far too late. Just lay down the law to him and stick to your guns. Youve a few years to go until you need to worry about parties and pubs!

Stick to your guns .. no 12 ye old should be out until 10 pm
On their own .. or even 7-8 in winter .

You sound very inflexible. Which really does not bode well for keeping lines of communication open with your teen. You don't anticipate wanting to pick your son up late, you don't want his friends in your house. He doesn't have much option but to be out, does he?! Is there some middle ground? Can you invite hi s friends but with some ground rules about behaviour/timings/expectations. It may not still be as bad as you think! My 12 year old has friends here now. I can hear them, but they aren't being troublesome. It's actually quite nice to listen to them!

Your home is your sanctuary 🤮

Your home may be your sanctuary, but I found that during the teenage years there was something to be said for opening your doors and letting them all in. At least we knew where they were and what they were up to; and that they were not getting in a car with someone who had had too many to drink etc.

You may have to be a bit more flexible as the teenage years arrive if you want to keep him listening to you and respecting you.

I think you're going to have to strike a balance. Understandably you want him in home off the streets. Completely agree 10pm is too late but I think not having his friends over either is a bit harsh. I agree with PP that under your roof is safest.

Retreat to your bedroom and leave them downstairs under understanding that they dont wake siblings up.

My mum had an open door policy. We lived in a rough area so she didn't want us out on the streets but we were always allowed friends back and sleep overs (providing
Other parents agreed!)

If you’re not prepared to have his friends in your home then you have to accept he’ll either want to be out with them or in the house that does allow it.

I’m not saying he should be out until 10pm at 12, but you will have to find a compromise somewhere as teenagers want social lives.

10pm is late for a 12yo, but 7.45pm seems early. Could you compromise on 9pm?

I do think that as he gets older late lifts is part of having a teenager and I think you and DH will have to adapt to some extent.

i agree with this.

Making our home the go-to place gave us a very good insight into what was going on with our teens without having to ask questions about what they were up to and get “dunno” as the inevitable answer.

so you're not prepared to be flexible at all then, your home is your sanctuary but you refuse to let him stay out past 6pm, yeah that won't last long, i think your being really unfair to him

I think there’s a huge difference between a 12 year old wandering about on the streets until 10pm (no way) or being at a friends house until 10pm on a weekend night, which imo is perfectly reasonable age appropriate socialising assuming they’re Y8. Or a sleepover.

It’s your home op but it’s also your child’s and they will increasingly want to develop an independent social life. You’re going to need to adapt so you can help them be more independent.

DS has had an Uber account since end of Y10 so I at least don’t need to go out and pick him up. Sometimes I snooze and set an alarm on my phone if I am going to pick him up.

I agree with pps about letting your child have friends over. If they take it in turns whose house to go to it doesn’t have to be too much of a burden.

Basically you’re going to have to find a way to adapt to facilitate socialising going into teenage years.

OP I've made loads of parenting mistakes and am still feeling my way along waiting for the manual to arrive.

My son is an only child and is 17. I've always tried to have an open door- probably partly due to him having no siblings (which wasn't what I had hoped for) so I have done this to facilitate friendships.

I do understand that it's not easy having several young people in your home but I've found that welcoming them in has had knock on advantages.

It means I have an eye on them from a distance rather than them being out at all hours.

Feeding them toast and pizza means they chat away to me- it gives me a bit of a feel for who is who, the type of things that they are into, their opinions etc.. I've often been really heartened by their attitudes and the nice way they chatter away to me and it has helped me understand teens a little better which helps my relationship with DS.

Last week DS and 3 mates went to a birthday party. One of the friends drank way too much, and TBF they were all a bit worse for wear. The drunk friend panicked and the consensus was to call me to collect them all. So off I went with a sick bowl in the car just in case, picked them up and dropped each of them home.

They were all fairly mortified and pretty grateful that I'd turned up without judgement.

I'm hindsight I was kind of pleased that they had felt able to call and ask for help when they felt worried about their mate, and I guess it felt like a parenting win.

I hope that doesn't sound like a stealth brag- as I said at the beginning of my post I am still not really sure what I'm doing and it is generally one step forward and two back....

At 12, whatever you do now sets the ground for later teenage years; in my experience, the most important aspect of those years is openness and trust. We try to work on the 80/20 rule - I know 80% of what is going on in my teens' lives, and that's included some fairly hair-raising conversations about sex drugs and alcohol, the other 20% they are entitled to their privacy, but they know my views and my values which I can only hope they take into account when making their judgement calls. Is this always the case? No, but it's kinda worked for us so far. Often I stay up when they are out and make toast etc, when they come back - never underestimate how much a teenager will talk late at night once they are back home and trying to process the evening's events!

I don't think we can set the rules for you - they depend on your neighbourhood, your kid and their mates. However, whatever rules you set, try to make them together, talk to him about what he'd like (which is may start at roaming street at 10) and then work back to a compromise but keep explaining why some things don't work and why alternatives might be better. Honestly, you want to start those conversations now when it's hanging at a mate's house whose parents you know - and before it comes to parties at a house where you don't know anyone else going, never mind the parents!

Sorry but I foresee big problems in the future if you expect to 1) have a good relationship with your teenager and 2) keep your home as "your sanctuary".

If you are going to be this inflexible about your comfortable life, your son will be out with other people, finding his own way home at night , being exposed to possibly dangerous situations , because you like to keep to your own cozy routine.

As the parent of two teenagers I can tell you that the best way to keep up good communication is to be flexible. Get out of your comfy bed and pick them up at 3am when they can't get home. Let them invite a dozen friends over for the evening and put up with their noise AND provide food ( and be prepared to take some of those kids home if they need a lift) . Many times I've had phone calls at 3am for a lift, brought them home and then got up again at 5am to go to work.

The result of my sacrifices, is that I get along wonderfully well with both my kids. I always know where they are , and I know that they are safe. I know their friends , and in some cases I've helped them when they are struggling with life situations. My kids can see that I care about their friends - I think I'm being a good role model for them.

You really have two choices with teens - stick to your comfortable life and have no idea what your son is doing or what is going on in his life. Or make the effort and maintain a great relationship with them. Good luck .

Agree that at 12 this is too late. However do get over your house sanctuary. Teenagers have nowhere to go age 16-18 and I much prefer they are under a sensible adults roof (eg mine but also others) than roaming the streets and parks. You need to think of their temporary needs too OP. Good luck 🌺

This kid didn’t ask to be born! You, like a lot of parents, want all the enjoyment of parenting the younger years but are prepared to throw them under a bus once they become more independent. You want everything to suit you and don’t recognise or care that he is becoming his own person.

Well that’s fine - do that, be selfish, curtail his freedom to suit yourself but don’t be surprised if he grows away from you and when he’s an adult has very little to do with you.

Feeding them toast and pizza means they chat away to me- it gives me a bit of a feel for who is who, the type of things that they are into, their opinions etc.. I've often been really heartened by their attitudes and the nice way they chatter away to me and it has helped me understand teens a little better which helps my relationship with DS.

100% agree. It’s really insightful and you build a bond, not only with your child, but also their mates.

I have a 12 year old and 2 teenagers.
We have an open door policy, their friends are always welcome and I will collect any of them at any time no questions asked.

I got myself in some pretty dangerous situations when I was a teenager and I will never let my kids do the same.

Luckily my kids are on the whole pretty sensible, not like me at the same age but being flexible with them definitely helps and it means that they can tell me anything without judgement and we can talk through their issues together, they don’t have to hide anything from me.

It can be challenging to find a balance between letting your son explore his independence and ensuring his safety, especially as he enters his teenage years. While it's important to give him some freedom to socialize with his new friends, you are also right to be concerned about his safety when he is out late at night.

One approach could be to set some boundaries and rules around when he is allowed to be out and with whom. For example, you could establish a curfew for when he needs to be back home, and make sure he has a way to contact you if plans change or if he needs help. You could also set guidelines around where he is allowed to go and who he is allowed to be with, and make sure he understands the consequences if he breaks these rules.

It's also important to communicate openly and honestly with your son about your concerns and expectations. While he may not always agree with you, it's important for him to understand where you are coming from and why you feel the way you do. Try to find a way to have a calm and respectful conversation about your concerns, and listen to his perspective as well.

As for the future, it's understandable to feel anxious about your son's growing independence and the potential for late-night outings. While you can't control everything, you can continue to set boundaries and establish open communication with your son as he grows older. It's also important to remember that every family is different, and what works for one family may not work for another. Trust your instincts and do what feels right for you and your family.

I am an anxious parent living in inner-city London. My DD goes to a different friends house after school every Friday. They all come to mine occasionally too. I don't like them walking the streets either. At 12 I insisted she was in by 7pm. Now she's 16, she's in by 10pm. It's annoying having to pick her up at that time (we don't drive so have to walk) but I'd rather know where she is and that she's safe.

All her friends live within a 3 mile radius so she doesn't actually go far. But on holidays and weekends the group might organise a trip into town. The first time they did that was at 14. When DD turned 15, they went alone on a trip to Brighton. I insist on her keeping me updated on WhatsApp just in case. I don't use a tracking app.

I don't expect I'll give her complete free-rein until she's 18.