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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS 17 has stolen petty cash several times in past year. Wtf!?

49 replies

forereverworried · 06/03/2023 15:04

Ok, my son is 17, sweet, quite a ‘young’ 17, good kid. He’s been bullied and has low self confidence, it’s been heartbreaking to watch as he’s just lovely (but tries a little hard for friends maybe). He’s not at college and seems more happy and settled.

he’s just stolen £7 from his little cousin when he was house sitting (and earning £20 for the night! Cousin wasn’t home).
In the last year he also admitted to ‘borrowing’ money from his sisters purse, and again when they were on holiday in the summer. There have also been other occasions where money has been ‘misplaced’ but no proof so we left it.

He doesn’t get pocket money since turning 17 in the hope he’d get a part time job, but although he applies for some, it takes him several months and he doesn’t seem to actually try hard to get one. He’s been offered to clean my car and also his grandads car and get £20-£25 per time but he never actually bothers.

This last time has really got me. Stealing from a child when his auntie was already doing him a favour and paying him!? What the hell?? How do I respond to this? My husband thinks have a curfew and that he starts doing more around the house (he does extremely little, but then he’s not home much as he stays at his gf’s several times per week).

I cried last night. He suffers from low mood, low self esteem and I do just worry about him. Any supportive advice on where to go from here?

thanks

OP posts:
MudLady · 06/03/2023 15:08

Has he paid the money back?
Does he realise that when people don’t trust him, he’ll miss out on opportunities?

He’s lucky that nobody has reported him yet TBH. If he carries on like this, it’ll happen eventually.

Snoopystick · 06/03/2023 15:10

Calling him a ‘young’ 17 year old etc seems like a lot of excusing his behaviour

ReadersD1gest · 06/03/2023 15:11

There's no excusing the nicking, obviously, but you literally don't give him any money at all?

CremeEggThief · 06/03/2023 15:12

How would a curfew work if he doesn't even stay home most nights? I can't see how you can enforce that.

Tell him in no uncertain terms to put his cousin's money back. 😡IMO, stealing from a little kid like that is MUCH worse than taking it from your purse or shoplifting.

mum1777 · 06/03/2023 15:14

Doesn't sound very sweet to me. I would be extremely firm with this- it needs nipping in the bud immediately. He doesn't want to get branded as a thief.
Agree 17 isn't young. Old enough to do better.

Original poster
forereverworried · 06/03/2023 15:27

Yes, on the three occasions where we knew for sure it was him and he owned up to it he repaid it, or cleaned my car to earn the money to repay his sister.

I’m saying he’s a ‘young’ 17 to give background to him, he’s not very savvy etc, definitely NOT excusing it, which is why I’m writing on here now as I’m appalled and desperate to know how to stop it. I cried over this last night- the abuse of trust to steal from his cousin was too much to bear. But today I’ve pulled up my big girl pants and will be moving forward tonight to address this face to face and that’s why I’ve asked for others opinions too/advice.

He doesn’t get pocket money for the past 4 months since turning 17, but he gets things bought for him that he needs, ie guitar strings, he had some spending money when he went out with his uncle a few weeks ago so he could contribute, and I buy his clothes (he doesn’t really spend much really). He had a Christmas job and earned £350 in 2 months, and blew it on literally nothing- so he’s had access to spending money, he just doesn’t have money in his account to buy McDonalds etc. I bought him a bus pass and give him lifts places. He really doesn’t need to steal.

I don’t really know how a curfew would work either, I considered grounding him but I suppose saying home by 6pm would be easier (college is all over the place timetable wise). But he’s 17- I’m obviously worried I might not be able to enforce it at all.

This is definitely at least the third time in a year this has happened now, so is not a one off.

OP posts:
Snoopystick · 06/03/2023 15:36

He’s old enough to get a long term part-time job which should help him learn the value of money. Do you know if he was stealing for anything specific to spend it on it if it was just the temptation? I hope he’s said sorry to those he’s stolen from as well as paid them back.

Showersugar · 06/03/2023 15:37

You tell him in no uncertain terms that if it happens again you will report him to the Police. They won't care how little the amount is, it's an offence and the fact its against a younger child will be an aggrevating factor.

I'd also expect him to meet with his aunt/ cousin to give him them a personal apology - he needs to face up to the reality of his behaviour.

whattodo1975 · 06/03/2023 15:38

what is he doing all day, if he is 17 not at college and doesnt have job ?

LakeTiticaca · 06/03/2023 15:38

Why isn't he at college or working? Sitting on his arse with his hand out is not going to do his self esteem any good. Give him a timeline either get a job or get back into education otherwise you won't be financing him and tell him any more theiving and the police will be involved

Original poster
forereverworried · 06/03/2023 15:41

He is at college full time. Yes, face to face apology sounds like the first place to start. He just spent it on sweets for his gf coming over. Completely pointless. She has a job and does spend money on them. I know it’s frustrating for him not to have money to do this kind of thing, but he can wash my car and earn £20 every other week if he needed it for something!

we’ve been pressuring him to get a job, this weekend I rewrote his cv (his was terrible) and supported him applying for a job.

OP posts:
carriedout · 06/03/2023 15:43

Showersugar · 06/03/2023 15:37

You tell him in no uncertain terms that if it happens again you will report him to the Police. They won't care how little the amount is, it's an offence and the fact its against a younger child will be an aggrevating factor.

I'd also expect him to meet with his aunt/ cousin to give him them a personal apology - he needs to face up to the reality of his behaviour.

To paraphrase Sgt Cawood, what genre of twat would report their own son for petty theft?

It isn't right but this is total bollocks. How to ruin your son's life and your own relationship with them.

TwinGirlsOnTheWay · 06/03/2023 15:48

Showersugar · 06/03/2023 15:37

You tell him in no uncertain terms that if it happens again you will report him to the Police. They won't care how little the amount is, it's an offence and the fact its against a younger child will be an aggrevating factor.

I'd also expect him to meet with his aunt/ cousin to give him them a personal apology - he needs to face up to the reality of his behaviour.

The police won't care one jot.

OP, you give him no money and when he earns his own money, you tell him that what he's spending it on is wrong. No wonder he doesn't feel he can be open to ask you for money, or earn his own money. You should sit down with him and have a real conversation about budgeting with him.

Believeitornot · 06/03/2023 15:51

Well I would have a chat with him, and he needs to pay it back
But not giving him pocket money is a bit mean. At least let him get a job first and then stop the money.

I would reflect and explore with him his low self esteem and wonder how much of that is an issue here.

Believeitornot · 06/03/2023 15:52

He just spent it on sweets for his gf coming over

How lovely of him?! Why on earth would you judge things like that? No wonder he has self esteem issue if he can’t even do something like that without being judged.

Kitchenette · 06/03/2023 15:55

Showersugar · 06/03/2023 15:37

You tell him in no uncertain terms that if it happens again you will report him to the Police. They won't care how little the amount is, it's an offence and the fact its against a younger child will be an aggrevating factor.

I'd also expect him to meet with his aunt/ cousin to give him them a personal apology - he needs to face up to the reality of his behaviour.

Don't be silly. The police didn't investigate when my £30k car was nicked. They certainly won't take any action against a boy nicking £7 from his cousin, and it isn't the police's job to do OP's parenting for her.

OP, I think you need a two-pronged approach. He needs to understand the seriousness of what he's done- earn it back, apologise, maybe earn the same back again and give it to charity. And you need to understand why this is happening. At 17 he needs some money- so either a job or chores for you, not optional. Is he happy generally? What is his social life like?

TeenDivided · 06/03/2023 15:55

Maybe he still 'needs' you to give him a small amount of regular pocket money, and then if he wants more he works for it.
Has he got bandwidth for a part time job, or is college actually taking his time?

carriedout · 06/03/2023 15:56

Believeitornot · 06/03/2023 15:52

He just spent it on sweets for his gf coming over

How lovely of him?! Why on earth would you judge things like that? No wonder he has self esteem issue if he can’t even do something like that without being judged.

Yes, I thought this too.

I feel rather sorry for him. He's done wrong, but I get the sense he's sad. My instinct would be to support not condemn.

tirednewmumm · 06/03/2023 15:58

Believeitornot · 06/03/2023 15:52

He just spent it on sweets for his gf coming over

How lovely of him?! Why on earth would you judge things like that? No wonder he has self esteem issue if he can’t even do something like that without being judged.

But it was stolen money! It's not sweet when he robbed his little cousin

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/03/2023 15:59

He’s only 17, I really don’t understand why you’re giving no pocket money at all when it sounds as if you can afford it. Some parents don’t want their kids working as they’d rather they studied so not all teens work. Why not give him a base amount and he can earn the rest for himself? He sounds pretty lost if the incentive still isn’t there to get a job and when he has no money. I think you’re backing him into a corner a bit.

hattie43 · 06/03/2023 16:01

What does he actually do . He's not at college , doesn't have a job , is he on an apprentice scheme ?

Sounds like a lot of excuses for him. There is no excuse to steal and he needs to grow up and do something , he can't be an aimless bum at 17.

carriedout · 06/03/2023 16:02

tirednewmumm · 06/03/2023 15:58

But it was stolen money! It's not sweet when he robbed his little cousin

Show quote history

The two things are separate.

It was undoubtedly wrong to steal. That needs to be dealt with of course.

carriedout · 06/03/2023 16:03

hattie43 · 06/03/2023 16:01

What does he actually do . He's not at college , doesn't have a job , is he on an apprentice scheme ?

Sounds like a lot of excuses for him. There is no excuse to steal and he needs to grow up and do something , he can't be an aimless bum at 17.

He's at college full time, the op said?

ReadersD1gest · 06/03/2023 16:04

carriedout · 06/03/2023 16:03

He's at college full time, the op said?

Show quote history

I presumed "not" was a typo for "now".

hattie43 · 06/03/2023 16:04

He’s not at college and seems more happy and settled.

Not according to OP in first paragraph