DS 17 has stolen petty cash several times in past year. Wtf!?

[forereverworried]

Ok, my son is 17, sweet, quite a ‘young’ 17, good kid. He’s been bullied and has low self confidence, it’s been heartbreaking to watch as he’s just lovely (but tries a little hard for friends maybe). He’s not at college and seems more happy and settled.

he’s just stolen £7 from his little cousin when he was house sitting (and earning £20 for the night! Cousin wasn’t home).
In the last year he also admitted to ‘borrowing’ money from his sisters purse, and again when they were on holiday in the summer. There have also been other occasions where money has been ‘misplaced’ but no proof so we left it.

He doesn’t get pocket money since turning 17 in the hope he’d get a part time job, but although he applies for some, it takes him several months and he doesn’t seem to actually try hard to get one. He’s been offered to clean my car and also his grandads car and get £20-£25 per time but he never actually bothers.

This last time has really got me. Stealing from a child when his auntie was already doing him a favour and paying him!? What the hell?? How do I respond to this? My husband thinks have a curfew and that he starts doing more around the house (he does extremely little, but then he’s not home much as he stays at his gf’s several times per week).

I cried last night. He suffers from low mood, low self esteem and I do just worry about him. Any supportive advice on where to go from here?

thanks

He’s full time at college.
he has the open offer to clean my car every other week regularly to earn £20-£25 each time, and also to clean his grandads car every other week for £25. He has never chosen that option.

I'd be making him pay the money back he stole plus the babysitting money with an apology. you don't get paid for a job if you steak while doing it. And yes, no more babysitting for a while as trust has been broken. Maybe he could do something for cousin as a way of an apology. To me, that's the natural consequence for his action.

Sounds like with what you mentioned, supporting him with CV is a good start.

Steal not steak lol

You say he has low self esteem and yes this can deserve sympathy but you need to nip this in the bud now.

He is unemployed. He steals from his relatives, including children. He is lazy and doesn’t want to do paid work (car washing) and has no work ethic to try and get a job if he isn’t following it up. Does he not want to be able to buy things for his girlfriend? To pay for driving lessons or get his own car? Is he doing well at college or just skimming through making no effort?

I don’t mean to sound harsh but he is very nearly an adult and if he doesn’t grow up and wise up he’s going to end up one of these men you see in threads here still living at home at 25 making no effort.

Mmm yeah I suppose you're right.

I guess I was just trying to express that I would go scorched earth in some way, maybe threatening police isn't the way to go - but he sure as hell needs a short, sharp, shock.

Sorry Sgt 😆

What was it about him turning 17 that made the pocket money stop? I'm not understanding that. He's still a child and he's still in full-time education. But you want him to get a job or wash cars just so he can afford to buy his girlfriend some sweets. I think you're being a bit mean.

forereverworried · Today 15:41

He is at college full time.

'not' was a typo.

Yes I agree.

If parents have plenty of money and withhold it on principle it can make young people angry.

I can't understand why the pocket money was stopped. I didn't increase it for mind & expected them to work if they wanted more, but didn't stop pocket money until out of full-time education.

It feels like a grievance has been created. Mess all round.

Crikey I’m very mean then. DS is at college and has a part-time job.

He's a thief. You need to let him know his younger cousins now know he is a thief. You need to let him know his Aunty trusted him and now she knows he is a thief.

It does seem like you are trying to excuse him a little bit. I get it- it's hard to admit your child is a thief but you need to be firm.

Yes he has a job! So that’s fair enough.

The fact that the OP is disparaging her son’s choices of what he wants to do with money is effectively saying “why do you make these choices” - and I’m not surprised he’s ending up as a petty thief. We have to take responsibility as a parent for some of our children’s behaviour- good and bad.

Why only give him car washing as an option for earning money? So bizarre. Just give him a regular allowance, get him to do housework around the house etc and try and turn it around. But writing him off when it looks, to me, that his parents could have done a bit better, seems off.

I was in foster care from the age of 11, and even I got a no-strings allowance to give me a bit of freedom to spend and make mistakes.

It feels like the OP is setting her son up to fail unless he does things on her terms

I don't feel it's very fair of any of us to blame the OP for her son's choice.
Stealing from kids is really wrong as is stealing from family. At 17, he knows this as well as anyone else.

Therefore your son has money and doesn't need to steal £7 to buy a few sweets for someone else.

Absolutely agree, he’s a thief which ever way you look at it. He needs to be told and understand that no one is ever going to trust him and why would they. This isn’t a one off incident this is a pattern. At 17 he is not a baby, he should be able to earn his own money and pay for his own things and should absolutely face the consequences of stealing.

What he spends that money on is none of OPs business as long as it’s his own money. I know teenagers younger that him who have part time jobs to pay for things they want, at his age I was working full time and paying rent, I understand times have changed and kids are more “ babied” for want of a better word these days, but there is absolutely no excuse for stealing and facing the consequences of that should always be the same regardless of of generational parenting.

Op, your son sounds very entitled, you should not be making excuses or finding ways out for him, you should be telling him in no uncertain terms he’s a thief and unless he changes his ways you and the rest of the family will not want anything to do with him meaning he will loose his family. He needs to grow up get a job and grovel to the rest of the family asking for forgiveness.

First he's not at college , then he's at college full time

Where does the petty cash bit come from ? He's stealing other peoples money not out of a petty cash tin

Dd still gets an allowance age 18 to cover some of her petrol, clothes, lunches at uni etc.

This doesn't stop her working and she has two retail jobs on top of a full time uni course but we are happy to support her in addition.

I wouldn't want dd to have no access to her own money and it sounds like your da might need some more support to help him get a job before you cut off any other money.

Has he always acted younger than his age op? Does he know that it was wrong of him to take the money? Sorry, just trying to comprehend some parts of your problem.

Stop buying clothes and guitar strings and giving him walking around money.

What motivation does he have to get a job if he gets all he needs from you even if you're not giving him pocket money?

Are you joking? He robbed his little cousin when his aunt had already paid him to babysit.

Here, ours got minimal pocket money £10pw regardless of whether they worked or not whilst they were in full time education. They all chose to get jobs to top up the pocket money. I think it's pretty mean to stop the pocket money when he's in full time education especially before he even gets a job. Obviously he shouldn't steal but you pushed him into it by taking away the pocket money. It's demeaning that he doesn't have any money to spend as he chooses.

Mumsnet rule 37.
If a 17 year old ‘child’ steals money to buy his girlfriend sweets it’s the parents fault for not giving him enough pocket money.

You should accept responsibility and apologise for the theft and repay the money. You can only hope to be forgiven.

How did you find out?
Did they catch him in the act or did he confess?
I would be really upset and angry about this. It's such a betrayal of your trust in him and yet I get the impression your making excuses for him.
I would be withdrawing the 'offers' to do things, cold shoulder him and let him figure this out. This is NOT a road you want him to continue down.