13 year old and weed

[Mumofteens4892]

We just found out our 13 year old has been smoking weed with his friends - for quite a long time.

We have a good relationship, very few arguments, and he's been honest with us about what has been happening. He's always home on time, he keeps in touch when he's out, he willingly shares his phone location, he keeps up with his homework and is rarely in trouble at school.

How worried should I be? I'm reluctant to ground/punish him, because I think this might just discourage him from sharing things with us in the future, or asking for help. We've talked about the dangers, and he has promised he won't try anything else.

All tips / experiences gratefully received!

Oh MN you’re so contrary, less than a week ago when the post went up where the partner of the woman had been growing cannabis in the garden it was ‘just a plant’ and ‘should be legalised’ plus my favourite ‘driving on cannabis was safer than driving drunk’
Reading the comments here are what I expected to read on the other thread about the dangers.
Wishing you all the best OP with the journey ahead

Having three teens right now I absolutely agree with this advice. It’s taken me a few years to realise this and when my eldest was 13 we would still “come down on him like a ton of bricks” if he did anything we wasn’t happy about. It usually had the complete opposite effect to what we wanted.

As they get older you have less control over them. Communication, understanding, lots of love (and not flying off the handle!) are key. The parents that go mad end up with kids that will just lie and rebel even more.

Definitely best to talk lots and let them know that you don’t approve but explain why in a caring way without nagging or shouting. Maybe try and encourage some other hobbies/activities outside of school to give them a different focus and mix with different kids. My middle son and his friends have all become obsessed with the gym at the moment and that’s definitely helping keep him on the straight and narrow!

It’s such a tricky age to navigate and one that many do not understand until they have lived it (myself included!!). You sound like you have a fantastic relationship with your son - don’t lose that. Good luck!

I have not immediately grounded him, shouted at him, taken his phone/money

Sometimes, when the issue is serious enough, kids need to see a reaction equal in intensity to know how abhorrant, unacceptable and dangerous something is. This reaction should be reserved for very serious issues only and taking drugs at 13 is one of them. You play softly softly you don't get that across.

Dont threaten police or school unless you are going to follow through in the knowledge he will potentially get a police caution or school expulsion.

They are capable of understanding you are 110% on their side and pissed off with them at the same time.

Agree I’d be shitting him down, grounding him, lecturing him about the long term risks. I knew a boy at uni, gorgeous, intelligent young lad. Ruined his life. It’s a really insidious drug.

Typo there ‘shutting him down’

OP you are doing the right thing keeping calm.
Most people I know started smoking weed at school and they are all successful people with careers and have mostly grown out of it.
Keep talking to him. As much as you can. You are completely right, the tonne of bricks approach is not going to work in the long run.

They are capable of understanding you are 110% on their side and pissed off with them at the same time
*
Whilst I agree with the above, you can also be calmly pissed off.*

Agree calm should be the norm, but for me, not where drugs, and a couple of other very select and serious topics, are concerned. I know a lot of people minimise drug use, especially cannabis, and don't put it in the serious category, for me it is.

I am probably one of the calmest parents you'll ever meet, ds is 19 and we've ridden through most of the teen troubles without the need for shouting (all except for one notable incident!). We have mostly laughed through his hormonal teen years as we worked out how to communicate and compromise with each other.

He knows where he can, and does, push it, but he also knows where the zero tolerance line is. He knows I would absolutely do my dinger (Scottish term!) if he got involved with drugs. Sometimes it is absolutely appropriate to raise the intensity and if only done very sparingly for those big issues, it is very effective at driving home the message when needed.

If he was 15 I’d be like meh, they all try it and if it’s just a bit with his mates then I wouldn’t be particularly concerned.

13 does seem very young, but I’m not sure what you can do other than telling him you don’t approve and talking to him about the dangers. Coming down on him like a ton of bricks will only lead to him thinking you’re out of touch and don’t understand him. Which in turn will shut down communication.

there are some horror stories about people who have smoked weed. But there are a lot of fully functioning people out there who smoke it recreationally and have productive and fulfilling lives, decent jobs and high levels of education. It doesn’t mean disaster for the vast majority of people.

Wow some seriously judgemental attitudes here

It would of course be better if he wasnt smoking weed. I was a raver in the 90s and i have seen it all including close frienda seriously damaged by weed smoking along with harder drug abuse. Im not a fan of it.

However. I also know many many people who have smoked weed all their lives and never had a problem with it.

You cannot stop a curious teenager. Even if you grounded them they would still be out and about on way home from school..and how does grounding work for them as they get older ? Its just not a good response

Be really honest and open. Its normal and natural for kids to experiment and take risks. Make sure he understands the real risks and exactly the damage he mighr do by smoking

I remember being 13 and yes thst is when people had the odd puff of a spliff.

I cannot see th point of major punishment...he will make his own decisoons anyway as he grows older. Better you keep open communication

@anunlikelyseahorse
Completely agree.

You can’t force/make/control teenagers. They’ve got LEGS.
(As much as we would all like to lock them in their bedrooms to avoid potential danger and risk).

You have to keep communication open and guide, talk and support.

Good luck OP, I think you’re approach is much more realistic and will/should be more successful.

This thread has been so helpful - I came here for a range of opinions and I certainly got them!

It is so easy to be driven by fear/panic in these situations, and being a mum of teens is a big scary process of gradually and deliberately losing control of your kids. Gulp!

13 is just SO young for this kind of stuff - and I wasn't ready! I've taken some really useful stuff from all of the posts - from "hardline" to "let go", and I will try to walk the tightrope somewhere in-between. Wish me luck!

my son is 15, nearly 16. I’d ground him for months at this age, let alone 13.

After the age of 25, recreational weed use is much less damaging though chronic use (defined in medicine as more than twice a week) is, based on statistics, eventually going to lead to depression and heightened anxiety even when actively engaging in the drug - but the damage done to the prefrontal cortex from cannabis smoked between the ages of 14-25 (while the brain is developing) is very clear. This is the bit that controls planning and decision making.

it’s worth having this knowledge as his parent to help you make decisions about how to deal with the smoking.