13 year old and weed

[Mumofteens4892]

We just found out our 13 year old has been smoking weed with his friends - for quite a long time.

We have a good relationship, very few arguments, and he's been honest with us about what has been happening. He's always home on time, he keeps in touch when he's out, he willingly shares his phone location, he keeps up with his homework and is rarely in trouble at school.

How worried should I be? I'm reluctant to ground/punish him, because I think this might just discourage him from sharing things with us in the future, or asking for help. We've talked about the dangers, and he has promised he won't try anything else.

All tips / experiences gratefully received!

sorry if the truth is horrible and unhelpful

Fact - weed damages teenage brains and lowers their IQ

( and early 20s brains, actually)

sorry, can't change the facts to something nicer and kinder. Ive seen it over and over and over again

The Op is taking this about 1% as seriously as they need to be, to be a proper parent to their child

This needs to be stopped immediately - there will already be damage, that can't be undone, but further damage can be prevented

Don;t see how this truth can be told in any other way

Thank you all so much, I really appreciate it. Rest assured I AM taking it seriously. I've done a fair bit of county lines training as part of my job - so I don't actually want to cut off his phone/money...etc as this can often lead kids straight to people who WILL give them a phone/money....etc.

I will give him a bank card rather than cash from now on - and he won't be able to use it to get cash out, either.

I'm going to talk with him about who gives it to him, when, how often. And the effects, and the consequences if it continues, or gets worse.

I know it absolutely HAS to stop - I am gutted about it all - I just want to do it in a thoughtful and considered way, rather than immediately doing the "ton of bricks" thing and risk alienating him. Preserving our relationship is important - whilst also being VERY clear about the boundaries and consequences.

You will reap what you sow if you go softly, softly on this. Boundaries are more important here.

good luck op - I hope this all works out well for you and your son xx

whilst also being VERY clear about the boundaries and consequences.

What is your boundary?

What is the consequence?

This 👆 It stinks and is very obvious on clothes

My DS was smoking weed at 13 and I was horrified. We had a number of other problems with him such as behavioural and school refusal.

I hit the roof and came down really hard, stopping pocket money, confiscating phone, grounding him etc.

At one point I followed him and confronted the people he was hanging around with, I was so worried and upset. (This was a mistake!)

Unfortunately none of this worked and in fact made things worse, his behaviour escalated and weed smoking increased (I’m not suggesting this will be the case with your DS)

In the end I backed off and worked on improving our relationship and lines of communication.

He’s now almost 18 and tells me everything! He does have the occasional spliff which I don’t like or approve of but I know he doesn’t take anything else, he’s very open with me. We have a very good relationship, he works, and he’s very well behaved (most of the time).

It turns out he just couldn’t cope with school and felt everyone was trying to control him, he needed some kind of escape. This is just my experience- I’m sure it’s very different with your DS and he is just experimenting - peer pressure is huge as a teen.

just keep a close eye and focus on open communication. It’s important he feels he can come to you.

It’s really important that you tell your ds that you absolutely DO NOT APPROVE of using weed/cannabis and that it is extremely unwise and harmful and can ruin lots of things for him in his life. Do not suggest it’s ok when he’s older or just a little bit or anything else.
If you take a clear line that using weed is definitely risky, dangerous, unhelpful and a mugs game, then you are at least providing him with a foundation that he can use to help himself quit. Even if you struggle to get him to give it up now, one day in the future your position on it might help him when he is trying to get free.

You can still communicate, you are letting him know sincerely that you are absolutely against it and ask him not to use it.

You some very unpleasant and judgmental.

Yup - I am familiar with the smell - and nope, I haven't ever smelled it on him, or his friends. I am just really hoping it HAS just been a few puffs, occasionally... I will talk to him later. The last thing I want is a massive row, him storming out, making things worse..

Boundary = don't do it!

Consequences = making him understand the consequences for his brain and his life ... if I find any, I go to the police with it ... if he doesn't stop and things slide at school, I tell the school ... other ideas?

• sound

@Nimbostratus100

@JaffaMCCakey thank you - its very useful to hear from someone who has "been there done that"!

You’re welcome- I hadn’t anticipated how difficult teens can be, I thought toddler phase was hard enough 😬

what is unpleasant and judgemental about the truth?

This destroys teenagers for life, sorry and all that, but I have seen it happen so many times I cant even count them

I’d only be ‘relaxed’ about this if he was an adult and his brain had finished developing. Smoking weed as an adolescent, and a young one at that, has seriously negative impacts on cognitive development and function. He’s only thirteen; you need to take control of this situation and put a stop to it.

Sometimes it may be better to be supportive

It is being supportive when you try to prevent your teenager from harming themself by their behaviour/choices/bad habits

OP, please ignore the posters telling you to ground him for eternity etc. As far as I have observed, the parents who react like that tend to have the kids who get into the most trouble.

We can't actually control what our kids do when they hit their teens. It isn't like when they're little and we pretty much micromanage every aspect of their lives. As they become increasingly independent, we have to move away from controlling what they do and focus instead on influencing their decisions. Harsh punishments or "coming down on them like a ton of bricks" are about control. Influencing relies more on building trust and nurturing relationships. Listening. Understanding. Sharing information in a respectful way. Acknowledging the fact that they're individuals with ideas and opinions of their own. Recognising that they are getting older and becoming more independent. Communicating calmly and openly about your feelings and concerns.

If your kids truly understand that you're not just trying to cramp their style or spoil their fun, but that you have genuine concerns about their wellbeing which you share with them in a respectful manner, they are much more inclined to actually listen to you and take your advice on board.

Keep talking to your ds. That dialogue is really important. Don't hide how concerned you are - he needs to know. But work with him rather than against him. It is the only way.

Completely agree, this is a mistake I made! So glad I backed off and worked with my son, rather than continuing to ‘control’ him as he put it. Such a tricky age to navigate.

Good luck to everyone struggling.

I have not immediately grounded him, shouted at him, taken his phone/money. This does not mean I am naive, and it certainly doesn't mean I am not taking this very seriously. A few people have misunderstood, I think - and that's probably my fault for appearing too relaxed about it all in my original post.

I just want to do the right thing and make my decisions in "slow time" rather than an instant/angry reaction in the heat of the moment - and you have all been just brilliant for helping me to do just that, so thank you! I need to choose my words, think about the best/worst outcome, and pick a good time to talk. He's not in any immediate danger so I don't need to go in all-guns-blazing. The last thing we wanted to do was to punish him for finally being honest with us!

If I create a big conflict, I don't see how we'll get through it in the long-term. If we can do it through talking and understanding each other properly - my hunch is that things will go better - we have years of teenagedom ahead of us - YIKES!

Thank you all for your thoughts and experiences, I really do appreciate it xxx

This ...having worked in the mental health services if you go into any unit your find people who have gone on a drugs trip and have never come out of them .. I had a honest conversation with my DC about drugs as it as everywhere where we lived .. ( even pointed out another mum who,was on drugs and asked them to guess her age .. she was younger then me and looked like an old lady ) it rammed it home !, further more the brain is not fully developed until later teens early 20s and at this age can do damage that can not be undone ... you need to step in he's 13

This makes me so worried.

My DB started off glue sniffing at 11, weed at 13, acid at 15 ..... full blown heroin addict by 18.

He is now 6 years clean and well into a 12 step program, he was an active addict for 18 years. Nearly broke our family.

I know this is the WORST case. But it happens.

We never turned our back on him.

Wishing you all the best OP.

You need to tread carefully here. You're right that you don't want to drive him away. How did the conversation come up? How does he feel about it? Does he understand how county lines work?
Can he get involved with a sport or some club or other after school so he's not tempted to dabble with his friends.
I wouldn't be taking his phone (he'll just get or be given a burner anyway) but I would be telling him, you'll be checking his phone regularly from now on. Not as a punishment but because you give a damn about him (he can also legitimately use you as an excuse.... blaming a parent gives them leeway within their friendship groups)
Start trying to carve more time together (I'm not for a moment you don't already do this and no judgment here) but most teens really do need 'parent time' despite what they might say😂. Again it gives him a get out clause to say "yeh mums a xxxxxx, but she's I have to do xxxxxxx, and man I can't be doing with her moaning/ nagging/ thunder raging if I don't" telling our kids it's okay for them to hate our demands on them is fine, both mine know I have no issue with them hating me at various times (I know they do actually love me, but using me as an excuse makes their lives much easier).
Don't get angry with him, it won't do any good, it's all about communication, communication and communication. He needs to know you will always be there for him, love him unconditionally, it's also fine to tell him your worries and fears (moderating how you do so depending on his own sensitivity...he might need the sledge hammer or the softly softly approach).
Punishing him won't work, telling him he's frying his brain probably won't do much, telling him you will support him, will love him and are worried not so much about the drug taking but what he's getting into is likely to have a bigger impact than anything else.
Its brilliant he's been able to tell you. Ignore any judgy posts, drugs are everywhere.