How to give DC the best chance of getting through the teenage years in one piece

[MusicWithRocksIn]

I've never been an anxious or overprotective parent, far from it, but as my DC approach their teens I'm really worried about the potential for them to end up in some sort of awful situation.

I look back in horror at some of the near misses I had as a teen in the '90's involving sex, drugs and alcohol. I somehow came out relatively unscathed but some of my friends weren't so lucky.

Alongside those issues there are so many new risks like cyber abuse/bullying and county lines too.

There was the odd nasty fight when I was growing up but I was very rarely aware of murders or knife crime. We live in a "nice" area and yet there have been 2 stabbings in the local news in the last week alone. It's happening in my DHs quiet, middle class home town at the other end of the country too. It seems to be pretty universal.

How on earth do you balance teens' need for greater independence against the risks of them getting involved or caught up in something horrific? How do you equip them to make good decisions and stay safe and out of trouble?

An unexpected side bonus of hobbies that involve car journeys is the frequent 1:1 time sitting side by side, often in the dark in the evening, with no eye contact - an easy time for chat about anything and everything, including the important things that are sometimes hard to bring up at random over the dinner table..,

Sport. Volunteering. Hobbies. These things are good for mental health, making friends outside school and keeping them off social media.

Encourage any sport or musical or dramatic interest, even if it means weekends spent ferrying or standing on frozen touch lines. It doesn’t guarantee they won’t get into trouble but it does make it less likely. If they get group peer contact this way, there’s less need to belong to gangs, etc.

A few difficult situations with my then teenage daughter were dampened by taking her off alone to do things I don’t like much but she does. Spa night, for instance. At some deep level she twigged that I was trying to keep the lines of communication open even though I was embarrassing and wrong.

I also killed myself getting to pretty well every production or concert or match they were in. Or making sure one of us did.

Exhausting years but they are now mid-twenties and we are all close.

Raise them with your values and keep communicating - it is important you keep that communication and trust both ways. Ideally you want them to trust they can tell you what is going on in their and their friends lives without you judging, interferring or betraying their confidence to anyone (unless serious), instead listening and helping them come to their own conclusions of what they feel about something or what they are going to do about it. Also try to have conversations around news topics, talk about whatever is relevant to your area stabbings, drugs, gangs, sex assualt etc and use them to open up conversations about risks, consent, your own fears, health etc.

Keep their self esteem proped up by encouraging an active (and appropriate) social life. The devil makes work for idle hands. Hope they will gravitate to the right friendship group, away from the cool kids.

My teenage lt also rides horses! In fact, we now own two (🤦‍♀️). Her whole social life outside of school revolves around the yard and her and her friends spend all their time after school and on weekends riding and mucking out horses. It gives them something to do besides screens and at least they spend time outside. Plus, it teaches them a lot of responsibility. She. Ow has a paid job at the yard and voluntarily gets up at 6:3am on a Sunday to go to the yard to muck out 10-15 horses. 😳 But she earns money to buy herself expensive clothes she really wants like North Face track suit or Victoria Secret silk pyjamas 🤷‍♀️

"My teenager also rides horses" that should have said*

My kids have been snowboarding, mountaineering, residential school trips, residential city trips and encouraged to use public transport to big cities. My eldest DC’s first trip when he was 7 was to Paris with school. He came back 3 kg lighter, dehydrated and glad to be home. He said he enjoyed it though. I was always an anxious parent but when he went on this trip as soon as I handed him over I knew he was their responsibility and I felt calmer. It does get easier and it’s a natural progression for them to want more and more independence as they get older too.

Notwithstanding my posts above, there is a strong element of luck involved! As parents, we may like to think that it was something in our way of doing things that made the difference, but tbh things may have turned out like that regardless. We can just try our best.

Watching this carefully as we're entering this phase.

I've got to confess that despite numerous problems that had nothing to do with him (think money, jobs, that kind of thing), I loved his childhood, I really did. But I'm disliking his teenage years very much. The root of the problem is that I realised that he doesn't need me that much anymore and it hurts.

I've got this book from the library because I heard good things about the author, I'll keep you posted

Absolutely this.

I'll also add, if you have any mental health conditions in the family, keep your eyes wide open and get on them early and strongly. It's lovely to think all our openness and building self-esteem and resilience and being there will over-ride our genetic tendencies, but it often isn't. 15-25 is when most mental illnesses emerge, if they are going to.

@cantkeepawayforever - also agree. Similar to toddlers really - you can be a grade A Champion Parent and still get an awful teen or toddler not matter what you do. I have been nervous as I didn't have much prep for awful teens - my siblings and I were pretty 'nice' always got on with one another and parents (my brother was a bit of a git in his early teens, but got over it), and DH has admitted he was a hellish teenager. But then, seeing how his parents act with him, even now, does seem to suggest a reason for that.

Oldest seems to be turning out nice getting towards 15 and I don't think that's going to change now. They can be a bit stroppy with DH but basically they like and respect us and we have a close relationship and enjoy one another's company. DS (11) I worry about a little more - has ADHD, already starting to answer back a bit more (though TBH, often justifiably) to DH and I foresee potential explosiveness there, which ADHD won't help.

I have 3 boys who are now early twenties. The worse that has happened to them is a car crash where he fell asleep at the wheel ( fortunately not injured and thankfully didn't injure anyone else), found drunk by police in town centre and police called to pick him up. DS2 no problems although at 17 went to a party and his friend got killed on the way home, mown down by a speeding driver. This did cause me anxiety for some time when any of them went out. Ds3 is very quiet, never been in any trouble. I worry more about dd really with drinks being spiked and she's not very streetwise but at the moment does not go out anywhere much. Two of my sons are a bit fiery, I try to teach them to walk away from situations for example road rage situations as things can flare quickly. I drill into them about not antagonizing a situation but really that's all you can do. My sons also have good friendship groups with like minded friends, there friends are not taking drugs or doing reckless stuff, they all have similar values, I think that helps so they are not being pressured into risky stuff.

I also think trust them to make good decisions where you can, it builds confidence if they can see that you think they can work something out themselves. All my scrapes as a teenager were self esteem related

Following this with interest as we have a 12 year old and both DH and I said to each other today that Kevin the teenager has arrived to stay for a bit 🙄😁

I'm nearly there with my two. One at university now, the other nearly there.

Hobbies, and chatting worked for us.

One lived at two local sports clubs, got involved in coaching, and both had good social sides, including a bar where they let the teens hang out.

The other does a lot of music.

Both avoided the hanging out in the park/on the moor drinking vodka phase, which is where the trouble happens.

Oh, and I don't restrict phones, screen time, or track them at all. We just chat a lot, but I totally respect their secrets and privacy.

@melonraspberry - absolutely. I think one of the worst things parents of teens can do is say things to their kids like 'You can't go to that party, you'll probably take drugs and have sex!' because then they might just decide to sneak out anyway, and seeing as you don't trust them, think they might as well do something ill-advised.

@Echobelly working so far, but she’s 14 and my worst age was 15-17 I think . She’s just walked away from a group who were drinking and vaping all the time (not her scene at all) and now has lovely friends. I’m so proud of her .

Like teenagers - don't dread it. It's a time they are becoming adults, where you can share jokes and really talk to them on a level. Enjoy their company.

This x 1000… cannot be stated enough. If they feel liked for who they are (not who you want them to be) - they’ll get through. It’s important for them that their home, and being with parents, is a place of psychological safety.

Good advice, and it doesn’t matter what they do - sports, scouts, drama etc,

Also, if your child comes up and talk to you, then stop and engage with them. Even if the cliffhanger of a tv series is is on, your dc is more important. Keep lines. Of communication opeN.

For me right now it's about making contact with his friends' parents.
Sleepovers are easy cos it's non-negotiable to have a parent mobile number.
I have a few now and a couple of messages now and again go a long way to knowing that the teenagers are being truthful and what they're up to.
Open talk.
We go to football together (both DS playing and following our team), so quite a bit of time in the car sharing a nice time (mostly!), a meal and chat.
Reminding myself in his parent not his mate.

Thanks for all the replies, I'm encouraged that a lot of the suggestions are things we do already. We're very open and we put a lot of trust in them, and so far they are proving us right to do that, e.g. they come to us if they're unsure of anything they see online, they stand up for anyone being picked on, etc. They have several hobbies and interests that I hope will continue, and solid groups of decent friends. I know there are no guarantees but hopefully we're equipping them well for the future.

I will check out the books that have been suggested, thank you.