How to give DC the best chance of getting through the teenage years in one piece

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I've never been an anxious or overprotective parent, far from it, but as my DC approach their teens I'm really worried about the potential for them to end up in some sort of awful situation.

I look back in horror at some of the near misses I had as a teen in the '90's involving sex, drugs and alcohol. I somehow came out relatively unscathed but some of my friends weren't so lucky.

Alongside those issues there are so many new risks like cyber abuse/bullying and county lines too.

There was the odd nasty fight when I was growing up but I was very rarely aware of murders or knife crime. We live in a "nice" area and yet there have been 2 stabbings in the local news in the last week alone. It's happening in my DHs quiet, middle class home town at the other end of the country too. It seems to be pretty universal.

How on earth do you balance teens' need for greater independence against the risks of them getting involved or caught up in something horrific? How do you equip them to make good decisions and stay safe and out of trouble?

I don't worry about such things because some of it is outside of your control. Things that are in your control are setting a good example, and good boundaries, from an early age, do that child is sensible, and will make good choices. Are your dc good kids that you can trust to make good decisions? Those things are the things you can work on, over many years. Or even if they don't, teaching then resilience and how to get over things. These are just the basics of things that we all aspire to, that good parents teach their dc.

Just take it as it comes and deal with situations as they arise. Keep open channels of communication, be non-reactive when they confide in you and be prepared to say no when you have to. Encourage a good set of peers.

In my observation and experience, you can give them a good grounding but there are no guarantees as to how things go. Just do what you can and know you've done your best.

Well every single adult went through it and most survived just fine. I should think yours will too

Keep talking to them about it all so they can make the right choices.

Agree with the talking. If you can maintain some sort of mechanism for chat - like walking or driving or a shared hobby then they tell you lots.

This starts much earlier than people think

in order to end up with slightly sensible teens, kids need a lot of free play when young. The sort of play where they are not hovered over by parentz. If your kids have ever fallen out of a tree, bitten by a friendly looking dog, had big arguments with friends that were not sorted by parents, got shouted at by adults for doing something naughty.., it wil have all helped them develop their risk assessment skills

apparently it’s kids who have never had much freedom who have not developed the necessary risk assessment skills to navigate the teenage years

that’s also why Covid (and being at home on screens all day) has had such a negative effect on children’s development

And even as teens they still need to get in trouble every now and then. It’s part of growing up. It has made you the sensible adult you are today 😄

Talking good and bring up subjects even if difficult. We often watch news together and discuss issues on it. I've never been overly strict so they know when I say no there is a good reason. Dc know it's basic manners if out to let people know when you expect to be home and if plans change to let us know. Attend parents evenings and parents meetings so know what is happening at school and can talk about it.

Strongly agree.

Another aspect of keeping kids safe is communication. They need to know that it is safe to talk honestly to you, even after they've done something stupid.

There's a series of books How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk with excellent communication strategies. Even if you just read the first book, and not the one for the teenage years, you'll find a lot of helpful ideas. (Of course you may already be an effective and trustworthy communicator!)

A safe space really helps. Do you have a den/basement/shed you can give over to them so they can have their mates over? A safe space to socialise in means they aren't hanging around in parks etc.

Chatting. I know mumsnet absolutely hates kids being driven to and from school, but we have to do it here (rural no transport) and the car is one of the best places to talk (limited eye contact). Also hobbies and sports where they meet friends outside school seems to help. A decent diet and a calm loving home and then there's not much you can do. Time without screens if you can.

Also, some interests and friends outside school. A team sport or two, a band or choir or similar can keep them busy in a constructive way, and out of the local park/shopping centre. Boredom is at the root of lots of problems.

mine are just entering this phase. I’m going to take lots of the advice above. I also really rate the idea of a hobby where they have to do their own decisions / risk assessment. For us that’s sailing.

Totally agree. We were lucky stupid enough to do horse riding and it was just dangerous enough for them to have to take responsibility.

We are here at this point too, with my my older boys being 11 (y7 secondary school) and 10. We moved away from a big city to the coast a few years ago because even though nowhere is perfect, it seemed better. That's not to say gangs and trouble isn't an issue here, drugs and county lines are common.

I don't think my kids are inclined to be troublemakers to be fair, they're almost totally the opposite (think volunteering, lots of extra curric clubs such as choir, cadets etc(, but I'm also not naive ti realise that as they get older it could change and peer pressure is a big thing.

We've always been quite chilled out parents in that we've never helicoptered over them. They've always been able to play independently, since toddlers and never wrapped them in cottonwool. We don't shy away from talking about subjects, even difficult ones.

We give them independence, but with strict boundaries. They have started being allied to go to the park on their bikes without us, but in the condition they phone us when they get there and they are home at the time we state. If they break these, they have to earn the trust back again.

When my brothers I were younger (late 90s early 00s) up until we were 18 we were expected to be home for a family dinner (at the table etc) unless we had a good reason not to be. It meant we weren't aimlessly wandering about - we could go back out after dinner but family meal was important and I think that was really good. None of us have ever been in trouble!

I also think it's important to know who your kids friends are. I'm aware of who they're hanging about with, where they live, who their parents are. Again, I'm fortunate that my children have lovely friends - at the moment. We also have a house that is welcoming - in the summer we often have a whole hoard of kids in the garden that don't belong to me. I don't love it particularly, but it means my home csn be seen as a safe
Space. Lobbing the odd bottle of squash and packet of ice lollies goes a long way towards making them feel happy about chilling in my garden!

We also do a lot of family days out - not
To museums and stuff because they're at the age where that's boring - but to the beach, mountains, to town for coffee and cake.

We have four kids but we (me and their dad) make the effort to have one in one time with each child - a walk to the shop, going for lunch alone, coffee dates etc.

Will this always work? I'm not naive to think it's foolproof and guaranteed but it's how my parents raised us and we have all done ok. One of my brothers could have gone off the rails but I think my parents firm but fair boundaries and rules kept him on the right track. We had an amazing childhood and teenage years - I could bring boyfriends back to the house to hang out, my friends were welcome, I was allowed out, there was no 'you're not wearing that' and I had plenty of freedom. I didn't resent any of the boundaries either, because they were fair.

My friends, even when we were 16/17
Loved coming over to hang out at my
House and thought my parents were cool!

Having a safe and happy home life.
Having clear boundaries and expectations from an early age.
Listen to them don't just talk and preach at them.
Teach them and trust them to make good decisions - start young with little things and build up.
Sometimes they get it wrong but this way they will learn. Don't fly off the handle if they do, talk it through and move forward.
Talk to them about staying safe in certain situations, have a plan for how they would contact you discreetly and without judgement if they ever need help.
Social Media/ phones - try to limit access especially at night. No they don't have to have a phone in their room as an alarm get an alarm clock.

This is so absolutely bang on.

Re knife crime - unless your children are involved with gangs or very adjacent to people who are, I wouldn't worry about it at all.

Do both yourself and the kids a favour and let them travel independently where possible (I don't know what public transport is like where you are).

As far as possible, trust them and they won't want to betray that trust - I think the biggest mistake people make with teens is to batten down the hatches the moment a child turns 12 or 13 in anticipation of trouble that may never happen, and in fact is less likely to happen if you don't go into panic mode about it.

Like teenagers - don't dread it. It's a time they are becoming adults, where you can share jokes and really talk to them on a level. Enjoy their company.

Find something you enjoy doing together. DH and our 14 year old don't always see eye to eye, but they both love rollercoasters (which I can't do at all) and they share going to theme parks together and I'm sp happy they have something that is 'theirs'. For me a 14YO it's classical music and opera.

@Echobelly Yes to liking teenagers, they are great company, extremely kind and funny and it is great to watch them grow and develop their own opinions and ideas about the world.

I found this book by Dominique Thompson really helpful

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Grow-Grown-Up-Prepare/dp/1785042785/ref=nodl_?dplnkId=75058873-b663-4736-9b75-85bf88f0054d

It really helped me understand normal teenage behaviour, the reasons for it and how to keep sane through it! You might find it helpful.

I'd say try and keep them engaged in activities. Sports and structured hobbies. A lot of issues stem from 'boredom'.

Primary school had someone come in & give some excellent advice about teenagers. I totally believe in it. It's quite simple:

Kids who have good self-esteem & aspiration make better choices. If they think they deserve good things & they have plans, they are less likely to make choices that are harmful or will mess up their future.

So whatever you can do to bolster their self-esteem & encourage their aspirations, is a good thing. This means also, being open-minded as much as possible (don't instantly diss that plan to be a nurse or a soldier). Remember youth are inherently idealistic, they fervently want dreams, nobility, meaning in their lives, to do "the right thing."

I think the other parts I got right was 1a) listening, being available to listen even when I was tired, and 1b) making it clear that I would let them make bad decisions (although I'd try to prevent it, and I'd help them repair damage when I had to). Because mistakes are part of learning, and I could be wrong about what's best.

I had/have teens who talk to me & bring me their problems. Might be a good sign.

I've always told my teenagers "blame me". If they're being pressured into something they feel is sketchy, or behaviour starts occurring in a group setting that they're not comfortable with, they can message me with an innocuous code word and I'll immediately say they're needed for something and pick them up.

They save face and I'm happy that they're confident enough to make the call when they feel things aren't quite right. Luckily with my son his friend group all seem to be 'good kids' as they're mostly his sports team and they tend to look out for one another.

Hobbies help, no time or energy for making trouble when you spend your weekends belting around a muddy field, and a strong parent group all looking out for them help (I know my boy could go to any of the other team mums or dads and talk to them if he didn't want to talk to me for whatever reason).

Hobbies. Time consuming group hobbies with like-minded young people, including strong older teen role models, worked for us. It was at times expensive, always time consuming and frequently inconvenient, but we’ve never regretted getting them involved in a wide variety of possible hobbies / groups as younger children, with the result that one or more ‘stuck’ through the teenage years.

Keep open channels of communication, be non-reactive when they confide in you and be prepared to say no when you have to.

I think it’s this, isn’t it? You have to have open communication and I’d prioritise that over everything. I want my teens to know they can tell me anything even if it’s awful and there might be consequences to deal with because I will always help them first and foremost. I try to say yes more than I ever say no. If I do say no I make sure they understand why and how I’ve come to my decision. It’s hard to put your trust in a non-fully-formed human but I do try to show my teens I trust them with as much as I can, to bolster their independence and confidence. And I always listen even if it’s really bloody late or inconvenient or I’m knackered or would rather be alone.

I’m not at all convinced any of it will prevent them doing things they might later regret but that’s not in my power to prevent and I can’t afford to preemptively worry because then that goes counter to all the above about trying to trust them and let them be independent.