How much are you physically around/plan life around your teens?

[StColumbofNavron]

We’ve got 3DC between 12-17. We both work full time, DH more predictably 10-6 and I work a 9-5 job which is demanding and usually way more hours. I can wfh but do often work in the office more than I need to for various reasons - meetings it is better to be in the office for; collaboration on some things etc. I also just like it. I live only 30 mins or so away so sometimes will go in in the morning and come home to work. It’s also a role that involves quite a lot of networking and socialising. Plus I have friends etc. DH is normally always home by 6.30 and I get in around 7 on an in office day.

On a weekend he works one day and I am here every weekend doing sports runs until recently, but now only DS2 has sports and is able to manage without me. I have elderly parents nearby who we see most/every other weekend or sometimes I go alone. I’m thinking of adding a walk at weekends, but it will mean being out of the house for 3-6 hours as with my friends we would like to do a number of walks around our city.

Other than football, the DC are generally at home and they can spend most of the weekend in their room when they are here, so not hanging out with me. We do have one evening a week where we will all sit and catch up on a couple of programmes we all like and watch football together.

I’m just wondering how much everyone plans around their teens? Amongst my friends their teens are out almost all of the time so they just get on with what they are doing.

Im s mental health nurse and a parent of teens.

People often think that teens need their parents less than when they were tots. The opposite is actually the truth.

They need space for individuation but they need the presence of parents more than people think.

Our children have hobbies and see friends a lot , but we also see them a lot too.

Not just a person opinion but a professional one too.

I only plan around DS15 when he's likely to need one of us for a lift and we plan stuff to do together as well. Even little things like we went to town together this morning and had a coffee as a treat. It's a nice way to catch up.
During the week we both work full time but self employed. I still do the school runs as there isn't a bus from where we live, but I'll pick him up after school, drop him home and then go back to work (I used to work from home but now he's older I moved into separate premises).
Weekends are a mixture of family plans or he arranges to meet up with friends. Rarely does he need a lift for these things, he'll go on his bike or the bus. He's free to come and go as he pleases and if there are any plans (that we've made or he's made) they are communicated so no one double books.

I should add, he's free to come and go as he pleases, BUT, we have a rule that he tells one of us if he's going out and a rough idea of where and who with, and he's home for tea unless agreed otherwise.

We don't see too much of DS16, but we do give him lifts to school gym in the morning and weekend rugby. We also eat dinner together if we are all around.

For me the important thing is if DS had a situation where he did need us, we'd make sure we were available.

I do make sure I’m available and they do come to me, usually at 11pm an hour after I’ve fallen asleep 😴.

Just wondering if I’m overthinking being around physically. They do all have freedom but don’t really use it, notwithstanding 12 year old who is a little more restricted.

They often text me in the day and will say things like ‘I need some help with maths/Spanish/my room/whatever’ and I always make sure I respond and make it happen.

@StColumbofNavron sounds like you're doing a great job then, if they ask for your help and you're able to give it to them.

DS just arrived home from rugby and as I happened to be in the living room alone, we actually had a good chat about what he was up to and a few other things.

Maybe as an experiment try being around a bit more for one weekend and see how it feels. You don't have to do that every weekend, but if you're getting more out of them, then schedule the odd down day every 2-3 weeks.

I am around all weekends, largely because until recently sport meant it was that way. We do have good chats from time to time at the weirdest moments. DS2 (15) just came in to the kitchen in a towel ready to have a shower to tell me he’d happen to pass by the High Street so had brought himself some Head and Shoulders…. Resulted in 5 mins of weird but very welcome chat.

It’s more I was wondering, what if I am around less. But it sounds like we are all doing similar, not planning 100% around them, but being available if they need us.

It’s so interesting to read about how other families are juggling their days/weeks! Honestly, I think every family situation is so unique that these answers may be quite varied.

DH and I have 3 teens (15, 15, 17). He works full time doing shift work…evenings, weekends, holidays, nights etc. I am a SAHM.

For our family, it comes down to how much availability we have during any given week. My teens are pretty busy. They all have school, part time jobs, sports and socializing. It helps now that the 17 year old can drive, as he doesn’t physically need me as much…but my 15 year old twin DD’s rely on me for rides everywhere. We don’t live near public transit or walking distance from where they need to be.

There are some days/weeks where I feel like all I do is chauffeur them around. I try to plan evenings out for myself with friends a few of times a month, and sometimes, depending on DH’s schedule, need to rely on my parents to help with driving the kids to and from their activities or jobs.

There are certainly limitations when it comes to determining how much time we can spend planning around our teens’ schedules, but we do our best so that everyone can get where they need to be. Weekends are super busy, as everyone has things they want to do, and places they need to be, so we try to plan accordingly. There are obviously times when it doesn’t line up properly and I have to ask for help from others…and sometimes plans have to be changed. As busy as we are, I don’t know how I’d make it work if I was also working full time. I’d be exhausted and things would be very different for our family.

All that said, we do spend quite a lot of time together at home too though. Watching shows or just hanging out…it’s so nice when we can all spend time together! I feel like this is the busiest phase for us…and I know soon enough they will all be independent and won’t need us, so I try to remember that as I’m chauffeuring them and their friends all around town, lol…

Yeah the sad thing for me is that DS doesn't want to come on holiday with us anymore. We took his pal with us to October , but it was a little awkward as they are so grown up and now he's too old for that.
Hoping he'll come around when he gets a girlfriend to bring.

I spend a lot of time with my just 18 year old.
Dh and I drop her to work on Saturdays, she will message for a lift home when she's ready as she will meet friends or go shopping after.
She has no classes one day per week so spends it with me, she visits her grandmother and we do the grocery shopping and anything else needed.
She comes on holiday with us and we give her a lift to see fiends as she wants We live rurally so it's rare to find a bus.
In the evenings she comes and sits to watch tv and chats about what's going on.
I agree Teens need quite a lot of being around their parents/family. They are still figuring out adulting.

My life a little different as my daughter has autism.
But we spend every evening during the week together.
Long family evening meal at the table & then we all watch tv/play with our phones/listen to podcasts/read in the loungeZ

Friday nights I see my sisters oh goes out with pals, my dd sees her pals.

Saturday I go into town usually for most of day with my pal - shopping, Vino lunch & dd studies oh watches sport & sat night is date night for me & oh

Sundays big walk & brunch out & see other family members. Home & catch up on telly/chores get ready for the week etc.

Teens need a lot of input.

Always be there when you are wanted

And often be there when you are not!

I always made an effort to do anything together that my teens ever requested, however far out it sounded. And they each had one night of the week they were responsible for cooking the family meal

As teens I invited my kids to join us on activities (eg hill walking) but mostly they chose not to, same goes with visiting relatives. Teens do need parental involvement but they also need space to develop themselves as individuals, getting that balance is important. At least 6 days a week we ate together which I think is one of the most important things you can do to ensure you have dedicated family time, and I also use a whip system like in parliament, and if it was 3 line they had no choice but come eg grandparents birthdays, whereas if we were simply doing the care home run and taking the other grandparent out for a pub lunch it was only a 1 line, come if you want no pressure.

They have turned out fine

But I do think teens also benefit from having parents who get on with their own lives, you shouldn't have to be at their beck and call - they need to learn self sufficiency, planning ahead etc.

We've chosen to live centrally so our 15yr old can walk anywhere he wants to go so any gym sessions, exercise classes, time with friends etc doesn't have to involve lifts.

He comes and goes and we make sure he has a key if we're going to be out. We still include him in all meals and he knows he's expected in at tea time. I was quite surprised when I rang him recently to ask if he wanted what we were having and one of his friends said in the background 'do your parents cook for you?'

I feel like I was left too much to my own devices as a teen so I'm pretty much the opposite way with him.

I'm the same Umbrio. We all have tea together most nights and I expect that. I wish my older ds was out and about more, he is pretty much a shut- in at the moment (some health issues) so interaction is mealtimes, getting him to do the minimal chores I insist on, plus the occasional late night long chat ( why do teens only want to talk to you after 12pm??) I feel like I would miss my kids a bit if I were you OP but then Beverly Goldberg is my spirit animal so I am probably a bit over involved!

We're lucky that we've both always been home so can take them to school (they both hate the school bus) and ferry them to their various activities and friend meet-ups. I find the car is a good time to have a chat about things. They do their own thing (DS15 is into the gym and running) and DS12 is obsessed with chess) but always get together for meal times and will usually watch something together several times a week. Today DS15 and I washed the cars and had a nice chat.

I think you sound just fine, doing a good job, and probably overthinking it. If you were to ask them what they thought, ie are you around enough. Or ask them when they are older and they look back at this period, would they change much? Will give you your answers. I think they'll look at you bemused as if to say mum why are you even asking me this.

I'm around most of the time. I go out for a walk or to the shops, but am still around most of the time. I get on with my own things in the house or spend time with them if we feel like that. We often go out for the afternoon together.

I had a lot of 'independence' as a teen and basically it meant I felt I was left to my own devices. I didn't want to do that with mine.

I only have a few years left and them this phase is done.

12am??

We do have good chats from time to time at the weirdest moments.

I think this is the key.
If you are around more, then the likelihood of you being around when they want to tell you something / ask you something is much increased.
It often is at completely random times.

I agree with the pp who said it is far more valuable being around for them when they are teens than when they are little. Mostly, any caring adult can resolve any issues a baby or small child has, but the stuff teens need you for, it needs to be you.

I think, with both of you being out of the house until late every day, and at least one of your dc still being so young, I'd try to make sure that usually t least one of you is there as much as possible at the weekends.

Do you all eat together each evening ?

Typo, meant 11pm!

I feel like our generation kind of over-parent their young children but are expected to under- parent the older ones? At least in MN there is a perception that teens should be suddenly totally self sufficient by 14 or so ( in real life they are so not!)

DS is away at college Dd is 16 so much of their teenage years was covid times, so we were all around far more than we wanted ! I try to be about when Dd gets home 3 or 4 days a week (she usually goes straight out on Friday) and at least one day at the weekend. I can also be relied upon to drive a load of teens home late at night on one weekend day.