How much are you physically around/plan life around your teens?

[StColumbofNavron]

We’ve got 3DC between 12-17. We both work full time, DH more predictably 10-6 and I work a 9-5 job which is demanding and usually way more hours. I can wfh but do often work in the office more than I need to for various reasons - meetings it is better to be in the office for; collaboration on some things etc. I also just like it. I live only 30 mins or so away so sometimes will go in in the morning and come home to work. It’s also a role that involves quite a lot of networking and socialising. Plus I have friends etc. DH is normally always home by 6.30 and I get in around 7 on an in office day.

On a weekend he works one day and I am here every weekend doing sports runs until recently, but now only DS2 has sports and is able to manage without me. I have elderly parents nearby who we see most/every other weekend or sometimes I go alone. I’m thinking of adding a walk at weekends, but it will mean being out of the house for 3-6 hours as with my friends we would like to do a number of walks around our city.

Other than football, the DC are generally at home and they can spend most of the weekend in their room when they are here, so not hanging out with me. We do have one evening a week where we will all sit and catch up on a couple of programmes we all like and watch football together.

I’m just wondering how much everyone plans around their teens? Amongst my friends their teens are out almost all of the time so they just get on with what they are doing.

To be clear to answer some posters.

This is quite a new arrangement. Before Covid and until mid last year I did what I did from home entirely as I was involved in a different career/profession. My current career path requires a lot of investment from me. Currently I’m normally home 1-2 days in the week and DH is home one. I’m home all weekend every weekend and DH one day, I’m just considering whether I can commit to these walks or whether it matters, so seeing what others do. We do eat together every night that we are all home at the same time which I’d say is usually 3-4 nights and the weekend.

I do 100% agree about the need when they are older though, because it’s only you/other parent who can provide what they need usually.

But I am often out for work around one evening every other week, which means if I want to go to the theatre or anything else I have to consider if I’ve already been out that week. I mean, I guess that’s just standard juggling isn’t it.

My teens also don’t seem to be living the weekend lives of parties and needed lifts like my friends. They literally play sport and one of them goes into central London one evening a week for language classes he chose to do, so sometimes when I talk to friends who are going away for weekends or whatever I am questioning myself a bit (to be fair none of them have 12 year olds).

I also have a busy work life and if I’m out for work one night and social another night I do try not to do too much else that week so I’m around a bit more for them. I have young teens and I still plan around them. In your position I probably wouldn’t add that 3-6 hour walk on the weekend. I’ve just recently started spending more time at the gym now that mine are a bit older but I wouldn’t want to be absent for the best part of a weekend day.

Ds16 likes to know where everyone is and what they're doing so we do tend to plan weekends together. He's fine if I'm out for a whole day but he likes to know when I'll be back and what he should do about lunch and whatnot. He doesn't need me to cook his lunch but needs a plan of if he should cook something, go to the shop for a sandwich, whatever. He's like that about everything tough, he needs a plan.

Ds15 is pretty self sufficient and would spend the entire weekend in his bedroom if I didn't get him out now and again. So I don't like leaving him too long for that reason.

I might go out for the day but be home in the evening or the other way round but it would be rare for me to be out all day and evening.

They both like to know I'm around even if I'm not with them and I'm happy to be mostly around. I wouldn't miss out on something big so I could be hanging around the neighbourhood just in case they need me but I do figure them into my plans still.

On the rare occasion dh and I are both away for the whole day I usually let my sister know and she'll text them mid-afternoon and see if they want to go to hers for tea. I do the same for her teenagers. Sometimes they say yes, sometimes no. It doesn't matter.

I dont think that's babying them although I have a friend who thinks it is. I think it's just showing that we care about them and want to make sure they're okay. We haven't just dumped them because they're teenagers.

A friend told me about something she'd read once where teenagers flip between wanting independence and being frightened of that independence so wanting to be looked after like a much younger child, all in the space of half an hour. I don't know if I've explained that very well but I notice it a lot with my teenagers. And I'm happy to look after them when they let me.

I'm just off now to collect ds16 from the gym because he's missed the bus home and he's cold.

My Dd is ASD and ADHD food issues and misophonia so makes family meals hard. Even when I am in which is a lot she would rather be on her own or out with mates.
I do try for a few trips out and going for a hot chocolate now and then and I pop in her room for short sharp burts.

Does make me sad though that she won't hang out with me much.

I managed to be around after school four nights a week for my older two until they left college. I've just picked up a job that means I'm only around one after school for my youngest and my husband does another. She has adapted by going to a friend's house every night instead, my friend who works from home!
In my experience teens really need you about to offload or to celebrate success. The more you put in, the more you get out. They're not necessarily harmed by us not being there but when we are, it improves the relationship no end.

My answer is not enough.

I can go days without seeing my boys, I work long hours home late, they are in bed, I get up early and leave.

It's really really shit and I wish it would change as my DH works from home and generally lets them get on with life. I'd love nothing more than to swop and he can do the main bulk and I get to spend time with my boys.

It's causing us big issues as I resent that my time is being taken as I have to keep the family budgets running.

My relationship with my just 18 year old is similar. I feel she needs me around a lot actually. It’s a bit frustrating as I’d hoped to have more freedom to work away by this point, but she gets sad when I’m away and really wants me around.

The first reply about teens needing you just as much as when they were small really resonates for me.

Single parent here 🙋🏼‍♀️

I only have one teenager (and one 11yo).

16YO has Alevels across split sites which I help with, she's just joined a gym, works anything up to 4 shifts a week for which I take her to and from and friends/bf/horse riding for which I need to ferry.

I work full time and soon part time.

The younger has swimming & guides and other stuff that crops up.

I try to be present but all the conflicting schedules make it harder. I have a partner (we don't live together) but don't get much time together.

We have a chat where we can and they both come to me when needed / wanted.

I am around for my teenagers and they know they can come and talk to me about anything, but they are also aware l do have a life of my own as well, which l think is very important.

I am around mine quite a bit. One more than the other due to her work and schedule. The eldest has stayed home for uni too.
We try and spend an hour together at the weekends having a coffee or breakfast and tomorrow we are all out pottery painting.
I am very careful though that if we've made plans and suddenly friends call etc that they priorities them, I don't mind being cancelled last minute to see them developing their own lives, I aim to be around but not clingy. And they seem happy and comfortable in our little routine so I think the balance is right.
I have a great life with a nice job and social life so i am able to get out too

This is really interesting (& makes me feel less guilty for not being so involved). DH & I both work hybrid roles mainly from home so physically pretty much always someone there so teens 14&17 know they can get a lift from school if it's raining, to sports clubs and socialising but eldest often gets a lift or the bus. Youngest getting better at making his own plans and using his bike/bus. We always try and eat together in the evening (although sometimes it feels like they're ready to rush off the minute they put the knife and fork down!) but they don't really sit with us in the evening. If grandparents are visiting We ask them to be around for lunch/say hello but they are free to come and go and both have PT jobs so quite busy.

My ds (15) is going through a bit of an isolated patch at the moment so I spend a lot of time encouraging him to come out and take part in things. I drive him to two classes each weekend, and do my best to ensure he takes part in local social stuff.

Hopefully he'll cheer up after GCSEs are out of the way, but for now, I spend a lot of time with him.

Mine are 16 and 11. DH works from home and I work within school hours so both of us are at home when the kids are in.

We have planned it like this and one or other of us (if not both) intend to be around before and after school until theyre adults. Between us we have decided that it is important to be there.

All the time! We don't work so do the school runs every day and run them around to meet friends/girlfriend etc. We all eat together every evening but they do disappear into their rooms more than they used to and DS goes to the gym every day. We do things as a family such as walks with the dog and days out, but I miss them being little when simple games and silliness entertained them!

I’m glad it’s not just me that has noticed this!
I have a 14 year old ds and his emotional needs, and the need for practical support is quite considerable. Teens need us far more than a lot of people realise.

Im lucky in that I only work two days a week, I drop ds at his bus stop in the morning and pick him up from there at 4:30. We have good chats in the car and he really off loads about his day. We have dinner as a family every evening, I clarify what homework he has and gently prod him to get on with it! At weekends Dh and I share the ferrying around to sports activities, and again I clarify the homework situation.

I just realised, I am the OP :-)

We've had a nice run of things with our teens since the summer (where I thought they or us were all going to kill each other). I've had some lovely 1:1 time with DS1 looking at unis, have a trip for a book DS3 and I are reading tomorrow and on the sixth form merry go round with DS2 which apparently involves a (reasonably) swanky meal for every visit. DH and I have both been off with them this week for half term with nothing really planned so they have come and gone as they please with some revision/PS writing etc. We've fallen into playing cards in the evening after dinner which is our usual summer pursuit and it has been truly lovely.

The uni visits have really reminded me that soon DS1 will not be here for a lot of the time. I am so excited for him but equal parts (privately) anxious and happy sad.