Needs of secondary aged children, my son is year 6 wondering if I should transfer to more local job.

[starpatch]

So I am a single parent my son is 10 years old in year 6.
He is not terribly mature and its clear he will want someone in the house after school for the next couple of years.
At the moment my mum does that and she really enjoys her time with her grandson.
However she is in her mid 70s as is my dad, and I am just conscious that things can change and that going forward I should be planning for managing without my mum's help.
So my query is about the needs of secondary aged children.
I have the opportunity to transfer to closer work, currently frequently work an hour away and wondering whether to go for it- but I like my current work and team and as a single mum that social contact and satisfaction in my work is important to me.
So just asking if you have teenagers how do they need you?
Would coming home at 6 once or twice a week, and asking them to lock up the house in the morning be a negative?
To be honest as I write that I feel like I should apply for the transfer.

That seems completely normal and reasonable for a teen. I wouldn’t give a moment’s thought about it. A year or two of practice perhaps with weaning off Grandma is fine.

Thanks

It's surprising how quickly they grow up and start to gain independence once they start secondary..
If you love your current job location, stick with it - especially if gran can help with the transition and as it won't be every day.

My son was fine coming home to an empty house but it was around year 9 before he could set an alarm, wake up and leave for school on time without any prompting. He's had a house key since year 6 and was surprisingly good at not losing it.

Can your Mum not cover the 6pm evenings, and your son be alone on the shorter evenings?
Moving to your Mum doing less and less - teens, as in year 8/9 onwards, are likely to be fine. It's just Y7 while they get used to things.

Mornings were my worry, but we've not had issues (yet!). That said, I'm still waiting for this magical "teens sleep til lunchtime" phase. Mine were making breakfast at 7 this morning, so getting up in the morning isn't an issue.

They do a lot of growing up in the next 6 months.

I think you will find he grows up a lot over what is left of this school year. Our primary used to work with year 6 kids to prepare them for secondary, and then once they are there you see a massive change again.

My youngest started high school in September and I certainly would not change my work patterns to accommodate school, but you know your child best, and boys do mature later than girls

Yes Peekatyou it does feel a bit precarious re. the mornings. I just got him to lock up for the first time last week, as I had to be at a training and was worried about being late, he was up and dressed when I left. But conscious I will probably have an issue with him being late at secondary at some point and it would be easier if we didn't get in the habit of him locking up, as it gives me more control if I see him out of the house- on the other hand independence is good for us both.

I have quite a mature son and he's very happy to lock up in the morning (on the rare occasions he has to) he wasn't so keen on walking home and letting himself in during winter when it was dark (on days he left school later after clubs) that was quite a shift for him and he found it creepy, thankfully he didn't need to do it often, though if he had to do everyday he would have adjusted I'm sure. I mostly WFH, it sounds like you don't need to do it often so would be unnecessary to change in my opinion, why not see how you go and if he struggles only then switch it up?

Check out what after school activities are available at the secondary schools you will be applying for. Eg mine does a free homework club which extends the school day by an hour or so, there are also sports training, so depending on how far it is from your house it might mean he is on his own only for an hour or so

It's interesting reading @PeekAtYou as my son is the opposite, he's still an early riser mind but he's been independent in the mornings a while, he sets an alarm for when he needs to leave the house lol, but he'd rather not come home to an empty house I think. Shows they're all different and it's worth giving it a go first.

Thanks Yes I can check about clubs once have school offer next week, its not on website of most likely school. I have this opportunity to move now, which may not come up again for a few years so that's why consulting the hive mind!

Oh I see sorry, I understand the sentiment then, but honestly, if you're happy with the commute I wouldnt do it for that reason alone, how often do you commute? If it's frequently I would take the plunge just to lose it though personally!

Thanks 89ghud yes I might do it for more selfish reasons but is good to hear the consensus is I don't have to.

Honestly I’ve found Y7 to be the hardest of nursery/school so far and I hate not being around much in the mornings and evenings. It’s fine, but navigating Y7 is hard, new friendships, homework, organisation etc is tough and I wish I was more available. Obviously needs must and we’ll survive but if I could change it fairly easily, I would.

It depends a lot on your individual child. I have a 12yo DS in Y8. He is mature and sensible and goes to a school we can see from the window of our house so he has walked alone since Y5.

When he started Y7 I started going to work earlier (which was brilliant) and he stayed at home by himself for ~1 hour. He then walked home at 5ish and DH and I would arrive home at 6ish, so another hour on his own. It seemed to work well and I was really enjoying being more flexible at work. However, after a few months DS started to be really anxious and down. It took ages and many, many conversations for us to work out that it was being caused by being on his own too much.

We have now rearranged life so he is with one of us right up to the start of school (8am in his case) and only ever alone 20-30mins after school. He is much happier.

I would never have predicted that this would be an issue for us.

I've been leaving the house at 8 and getting home at half 5 since before my ds started secondary. No grandparents nearby, he was just latch keyed.

If grandparents can still help out, it might be worth continuing that for another year or two? After that there may be less need for company/supervision although as other posters have said, it does depend on the child.

If you're worried about locking up could you change your lock to one that just pulls shut? Then give your parents a spare - just in case.

I wouldn't worry about him not getting up and out. A few times of being late and detention usually bucks up their ideas and it's amazing what they can do when they have to!

You can always leave lists to remind him and have his lunch ready for him the first few months or even year. Also help him pack his bag the night before so you know it's all ready and he only needs to eat and get dressed.

If you have an Alexa of something you can set an alarm for a 10 minute reminder and a time to leave the house reminder.

It's doable and there's much much available in this day and age to support them using technology.

I've found DD has needed me much more since starting year 7 last year than she has in years. Not from an independence or maturity point, she's sensible and fine to lock up the house and being alone but from an emotional point. She's needed a lot more TLC than I expected so I've changed jobs so that I can be hybrid, working somedays in the office but can still drop her off at school and a few days a week I'm home when she gets home or am back at 16:30 at the latest.

Thanks so much all really helpful

I've two teens, one manages fine with DH and I at work.
The other states that they miss us and don't like having no adults in the house.
I didn't start working out of the house until they were 13.
So I do think it really depends on the dc.

I have organized to have a couple of days when I'm home early.

My DS is in year 10 and I know he appreciates having me round after school where possible.

It does depend on the child.
My DD would have been utterly miserable to do this but another kid might enjoy the responsibility and independence.
Personally I have found my teen has needed me around much more than I would have expected.

My Dd is year 11 and tbh I need to be around more than ever now. But that's because she is a little wayward and has no impulse control (I suspect Inattentive ADD though she masks it very well) and by her own admission needs someone around to stop her making bad choices! Hopefully yours won't be like that!

My other DD is fine and has been fine to be left for a few hours after school since year 7 with no issues. So it very much depends on the child.