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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My 14 year old son makes me regret becoming a parent.

39 replies

User3billion · 13/02/2023 18:39

Honestly, he's just so bloody awful all of the time.
He speaks to me like dirt and I've had enough.
If someone said they'd take him off me tomorrow I can't say I'd put up a fight.
He's just so lazy, inconsiderate and completely obnoxious.
He just did half the recycling and then said "I can't be arsed" when I asked about the otjer half because I suggested (tongue in cheek) that when he comes out of his pit he might consider asking how my day was rather than asking when/what he's being fed.
The recycling is actually his only specific job besides general keeping yown room tidy/bringing own laundry down, and he NEVER does it without being asked.

OP posts:
MrsRR1 · 13/02/2023 18:44

Has he always been like this? Did he have chores to do? Boundaries etc when younger?
Has anything happened to change his behaviour?

WimpoleHat · 13/02/2023 18:48

Give him a taste of his own medicine.

”What’s for dinner?” = “Can’t be arsed to cook it”
”Where’s my clean washing?” = “Couldn’t be arsed to do it”…..etc

He’ll start to get the message…..

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 13/02/2023 18:48

Maybe stop doing anything for him. When he asks why... just say you can't be arsed.

Dacadactyl · 13/02/2023 18:49

If hes sweary and disrespectful, maybe tell him you're only going to cook for yourself/wash your own clothes/only pay for your phone etc until he pulls his weight more and bucks his ideas up. If he's just a bit lazy, maybe find some other, less harsh, threats to make and follow through on.

CrapBucket · 13/02/2023 18:53

Solidarity, I get it. My approach is to model being the kind of adult you want them to be. Its hard though! But I've seen it work with my brilliant aunts and now-lovely cousins.

'See the light in everyone and treat them as if that is all you see'

EarringsandLipstick · 13/02/2023 18:55

WimpoleHat · 13/02/2023 18:48

Give him a taste of his own medicine.

”What’s for dinner?” = “Can’t be arsed to cook it”
”Where’s my clean washing?” = “Couldn’t be arsed to do it”…..etc

He’ll start to get the message…..

Terrible advice.

There's no point in complaining about his behaviour & then doing it yourself!

OP, I have a nearly 14 year old boy (as well as an older DD & younger DS). My middle DS changed overnight when he hit 13 - he was always organised, helpful, easygoing. He is currently trying my patience hugely, especially regarding chores - won't do without prompting / does badly.

I don't tolerate rudeness. If he's rude & doesn't apologise & stop quickly, he loses screen / phone time.

Regarding jobs, I don't think there's a magic solution. I keep on it, and just keep insisting he does what he's asked. If he doesn't do it / or not properly, he will get more jobs to do.

But it can be exhausting. Thankfully enough of the lovely boy appears in order to keep me sane!

OnMyWayToSenility · 13/02/2023 18:57

Been there done it , worst 5 years of parenting! I went grey!! Total sympathy for you, mines much older now 19. But my god those 14-15 yrs were hell, they do come out of it in the end. I just thought of it as PMS on steroids, all those hormones swishing about, no pre frontal cortex etc

Find other mums with teens and get together regularly xx

converseandjeans · 13/02/2023 18:58

Do you think he's getting on ok in school? Is he having any issues with bullying?

If all is ok then you probably need to be a bit stricter.

This is why I'm baffled when people moan about teachers. Imagine having 30 fourteen year olds all at once 😉

Julyshewillfly · 13/02/2023 19:01

I’ll probably be torn to shreds but it doesn’t sound all that bad, unless there is more to it. Teens often are lazy and sloth like and ‘I can’t be arsed’ is a fairly standard teen response.

Like I say, there might be more to it. And I am sure some fourteen year olds step smartly out of their immaculate bedrooms, cheerfully do the recycling, inquire politely as to how their families’ days went and then get on with studying. I just, erm, don’t know any …

Original poster
User3billion · 13/02/2023 19:24

Today's behaviour was just the tip of the iceberg.

He says stuff like "I didn't choose to be born" as a reason why he shouldn't pull his weight.

And I want to scream at him that none of us chose to be born. But apparently choosing to give birth means you must be a slave to your offspring.

I don't actually have any real life friends I could go out with. I honestly don't have a single friend who I could call for a chat or go for a coffee with.

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 13/02/2023 19:26

Have you actually talked to him about how his responses make you feel, OP? (Not the regretting motherhood bit, maybe!Wink)

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 13/02/2023 19:27

User3billion · 13/02/2023 19:24

Today's behaviour was just the tip of the iceberg.

He says stuff like "I didn't choose to be born" as a reason why he shouldn't pull his weight.

And I want to scream at him that none of us chose to be born. But apparently choosing to give birth means you must be a slave to your offspring.

I don't actually have any real life friends I could go out with. I honestly don't have a single friend who I could call for a chat or go for a coffee with.

That sounds really rough, OP. We all need to vent sometimes.

Nimbostratus100 · 13/02/2023 19:29

do you think he needs a bit of TLC?

AnyFucker · 13/02/2023 19:34

Mine were like this from 14-16. I bloody hated them at the time.

It did get better and now they are in their 20’s they are lovely

Hang in there. Keep a little kernel of selfishness for yourself .

msmatcha · 13/02/2023 19:37

If he doesn't bring his laundry down don't wash it. My 14yo responded to this, admittedly after a week of no clean pants...

yummyscummymummy01 · 13/02/2023 19:42

Do you miss him? I mean in the sense that you used to get on and now you don't? It'll pass he'll be back to his old self eventually when the hormones have settled down.

Choconut · 13/02/2023 19:50

Does he do his school work? TBH at this age I let a lot pass at home as long as they work hard at school. DS made his own breakfast and lunch at that age and very rarely tidied his room and that was about the extent of his duties. Teens are like anyone else, the kinder you are to them and nicer you speak to them the more likely that they're going to be willing to help you out - but every now and then they need a little kick up the bum, a reminder that they're being rude or to be given a bit more responsibility for themselves.

Nimbostratus100 · 13/02/2023 19:55

who else is in the family? This does sound bit worrying to me, if this child is alone and feeling apathetic and miserable with a single parent who is themselves saying they are very isolated, and there seems to be no affection between them

Akrotiri1 · 13/02/2023 20:08

My son was hell on earth too at that age - disrespectful, filthy language, getting in trouble at school, doing drugs and smoking, and eventually a couple of minor police incidents.

I tried my hardest and nearly gave up on him several times, but he turned a corner at 18yrs, and is now the nicest, kindest lad. He has got himself a good job, despite dropping out of college, has had the same girlfriend for 2 yrs, and couldn't be prouder of him. People even compliment me on how well I bought him up!!!

All I can say is don't give up on him, keep loving him and he will grow out of it.....

AskforJanice · 13/02/2023 20:08

I completely feel your pain. I see people on here all the time complaining about the toddler stage - I would hand on heart take 10 ten toddlers over DS (also 14) any day. I love him to distraction but he makes mine and his younger sister’s life a misery most of the time and makes me doubt I’m cut out for this. Parenting him at the moment is the undoubtedly the most unrewarding job I have ever done 😔

stayathomer · 13/02/2023 20:11

A huge amount of teenagers are like this op- I thought just boys, but actually so many girls too. Personally I fully blame screens and social media, we leave them to it instead of allowing them to be bored and then hitting them with chores lol!! I’m no help but I will say your feelings sound way too close to hate for comfort and you need to remember he’s your son and at one stage he was the person who probably made you smile the most. If there’s any way at all you can meet him halfway and find some way to chat to him/ have fun with him, even if you sit with him while he’s gaming or watching something and just watch with him- well at least it might help things. I did this myself and I forced it- he didn’t always want me there but I’d plonk myself down and chat away etc. and we’d have a laugh in the end

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 13/02/2023 20:22

What consequences does he face for not doing his chores and being disrespectful? Because if there aren’t any what impetus is there for change? I know it’s tricky with this age (mine are 15 and 12 and infinitely more challenging than as babies!) but all children respond well to defined boundaries if they are applied consistently.

Moonicorn · 13/02/2023 20:23

WimpoleHat · 13/02/2023 18:48

Give him a taste of his own medicine.

”What’s for dinner?” = “Can’t be arsed to cook it”
”Where’s my clean washing?” = “Couldn’t be arsed to do it”…..etc

He’ll start to get the message…..

This!!!!

sunshinenroses · 13/02/2023 20:28

Maybe go to ask how HIS day was. I'm not saying you don't, but I always see people complaining about their teenagers behaviour forgetting how intensely hard that period of life is. This is a time he needs more emotional support and time and teaching, maybe even than his baby era. His brain is nowhere near developed yet, and yet he's expected to act as a responsible adult. He still needs temp be taught how to interact and care for others, you should be modelling that and trying your best to have understanding and perspective at all times

LakeTiticaca · 13/02/2023 20:30

Sounds fairly typical teenage behaviour tbh. It usually passes once they gain a little more sense and maturity.
I know , having 4 sons 😉

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