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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd party alcohol

31 replies

Lordhelpmeme · 13/02/2023 02:56

So
I hope I don’t get vilified for this

my dd is 12 and wants to go to a party of her friends but has told me they do drink alcohol
Albeit limited. Parents are liberal and are of the view that if they are there to monitor then it’s ok! technically they are alllwed two each

my dd wants to go but doesn’t want to lie to me. She doesn’t want to be left out but has asked me if there js anything very low alcohol like wkd 1 she could take 1 of too more give the effect that she is drinking than actually drinking.

if you’d of asked me a year ago I’d have sworn blind if never even considered this however I feel she has come to me to ask been honest and suggested a compromise so I want to work with her on this. Wwyd?

i don’t want her drinking alcohol at all she did bloody 12 for christs sake but I also don’t want her to start lying to keep up with her friends
but then I think where does it end ? If I allow this then will there be another party and another and then I go back to thinking well at least this way I can control it, but then I go back to she could be fibbing and just getting herself to the party.

fyi I have already said that I never ever allow her to stay over elsewhere when there’s a party on

OP posts:
tonystarksrighthand · 13/02/2023 02:59

12???????

Fuck me

Original poster
Lordhelpmeme · 13/02/2023 03:00

Im
actually debating trying to find something alcohol free that she can take that looks like it has alcohol

OP posts:
IreneJones · 13/02/2023 03:01

No, you absolutely can't buy alcohol for her. I would not let her go to a party where the hosting parents were comfortable with 12 year olds drinking.

IreneJones · 13/02/2023 03:02

No even alcohol free is giving her the wrong message.

BritInAus · 13/02/2023 03:03

I appreciate you would rather she is honest with you, but wouldn't it be better to put your energy into building her self-esteem and helping her feel able to say 'no thanks' than find something that looks like alcohol to keep her street cred around her 12 (!!) year old drinking buddies?!

Aquamarine1029 · 13/02/2023 03:03

She's 12 years old, she shouldn't be going to these parties at all. FGS, what are you thinking?

Original poster
Lordhelpmeme · 13/02/2023 03:06

Listen I know it’s crazy I’m a single mum and needed to test my thoughts somewhere
shes had a night of really convincing me with all these different options! In the end iv felt like I’m not sure anymore!

im thinking I’m going to book something nice for us that night so it’s a polite decline!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lordhelpmeme · 13/02/2023 03:08

Even pulled the iv been honest with you and now I regret it card on me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lordhelpmeme · 13/02/2023 03:09

IreneJones · 13/02/2023 03:02

No even alcohol free is giving her the wrong message.

yeah I know what you mean!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 13/02/2023 03:13

Stop trying to be your daughter's friend. You are not her friend, you are her mother, and the most important job you have is to protect her from harm and from herself. A 12 plus alcohol is an absolute disaster in the making. If I knew you, and knew you were providing alcohol to your child, I would call social services, and I'm not joking.

If your judgement is truly this lacking, if you really think giving a 12 year old alcohol is reasonable, I implore you to get help and find some resources about effective and appropriate parenting.

IneedcoffeeinanIV · 13/02/2023 03:16

I get that you appreciate she's been open with you and you don't want to push that trust away but you absolutely cannot even entertain this. She is 12 years old. The fact she has friends who's parents are okay with them drinking at this age is absolutely wild.

LadyJ2023 · 13/02/2023 03:18

Wow none of my 4 would be going to a party that had alcohol at that age, instead I would arrange to take them somewhere fun elsewhere

Original poster
Lordhelpmeme · 13/02/2023 03:20

LadyJ2023 · 13/02/2023 03:18

Wow none of my 4 would be going to a party that had alcohol at that age, instead I would arrange to take them somewhere fun elsewhere

im going to do this I think a weekend away is coming up!

just had a moment of wait am I not seeing something here!

I do think it’s good that she has come to me been honest and looked for an alternative in the situation however there xx actually is no way to compromise on this one!

OP posts:
StillDoingDumbShit · 13/02/2023 03:23

If she was 15, year 10 or 11, and having this conversation with you, it would be a positive thing. 15 year olds often drink at parties and if they can talk to their parents about it, how to do it ‘sensibly’ etc its good that they talk to you.

But at 12, it’s an absolute no. It’s very extreme for 12 year olds to be doing this. Who are these friend? Do you know them? The vast majority of 12 year olds are not drinking alcohol at parties. She’s needs to find different friends. This is not a good group to be hanging around with.

Original poster
Lordhelpmeme · 13/02/2023 03:23

just To be clear I haven’t actually said she can do this! Iv said no but her request was to take a bottle of low alcohol and stand there with it so she can have fun at the party! Iv said no as don’t want her round a place full of alcohol (I wouldn’t even take her to a party)
but iv say here questioning it and thinking is there a way I could compromise -

OP posts:
Original poster
Lordhelpmeme · 13/02/2023 03:26

StillDoingDumbShit · 13/02/2023 03:23

If she was 15, year 10 or 11, and having this conversation with you, it would be a positive thing. 15 year olds often drink at parties and if they can talk to their parents about it, how to do it ‘sensibly’ etc its good that they talk to you.

But at 12, it’s an absolute no. It’s very extreme for 12 year olds to be doing this. Who are these friend? Do you know them? The vast majority of 12 year olds are not drinking alcohol at parties. She’s needs to find different friends. This is not a good group to be hanging around with.

I didn’t allow her to a sleepover a few weeks ago as the kids had a bit of alcohol there
which I thought was crazy and wrong so didn’t allow. Then with this iv literally ended up doubting myself!
when she told me the parents also owed a bit of alcohol at this part I thought she was making up but the friend told me quite clearly yeah they are allowed 2 each!

i needed these responses to know it’s not me it’s them! I think she’s found the wrong friend group tbh

OP posts:
StillDoingDumbShit · 13/02/2023 03:27

And any parents allowing a party where their 12 year old drinks with friends are not ‘liberal’. They’re just irresponsible and stupid.

At 12, some parents may allow a small drink at Xmas or similar, with family, at a meal. This is very, very different.

Original poster
Lordhelpmeme · 13/02/2023 03:28

StillDoingDumbShit · 13/02/2023 03:23

If she was 15, year 10 or 11, and having this conversation with you, it would be a positive thing. 15 year olds often drink at parties and if they can talk to their parents about it, how to do it ‘sensibly’ etc its good that they talk to you.

But at 12, it’s an absolute no. It’s very extreme for 12 year olds to be doing this. Who are these friend? Do you know them? The vast majority of 12 year olds are not drinking alcohol at parties. She’s needs to find different friends. This is not a good group to be hanging around with.

Iv been doing research all night and it says alcohol can cause sudden illness etc so im
going to explain if she asks again! I told her today where there’s alcohol there’s bad decisions!

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 13/02/2023 03:36

I was way too liberal when my dd was twelve, to the point that when I did once tell her she wasn't allowed to go somewhere, she was on the phone boasting about it to her friends.

Original poster
Lordhelpmeme · 13/02/2023 03:41

Coyoacan · 13/02/2023 03:36

I was way too liberal when my dd was twelve, to the point that when I did once tell her she wasn't allowed to go somewhere, she was on the phone boasting about it to her friends.

in sensing it changed along the line somewhere

OP posts:
Original poster
Lordhelpmeme · 13/02/2023 03:42

cant Believe it’s 3.42am and I have been researching this all night!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lordhelpmeme · 13/02/2023 03:43

Coyoacan · 13/02/2023 03:36

I was way too liberal when my dd was twelve, to the point that when I did once tell her she wasn't allowed to go somewhere, she was on the phone boasting about it to her friends.

And I guess your right I think maybe sometimes it just needs to be a hard no
I do tend to always want to find a compromise with things but some things you just can’t

OP posts:
StillDoingDumbShit · 13/02/2023 03:51

Lordhelpmeme · 13/02/2023 03:42

cant Believe it’s 3.42am and I have been researching this all night!

I don’t think you really need research. It’s simply a case of her being too young to be drinking alcohol in that situation, with friends. Irresponsible parents who seem to think they’re oh so cool, with children who would be extremely vulnerable with a couple of drinks in them. It’s just a no.

If she had a different set of friends, this wouldn’t even be a talking point for a couple of years at least. I’ve got teens, 19 and 14, drinking at 12 is very, very uncommon and the ones that did are troublesome. This isn’t a good group for her to mix with. Most of them start having a drink at home at 14/15. Then it’s with friends at parties at 15/16. Drinking at parties with friends at 12, absolutely not normal of common.

StillDoingDumbShit · 13/02/2023 03:52

not normal OR common.

Survey99 · 13/02/2023 09:31

Ask for the parents number and speak to them. Tell them your 12 YEAR OLD CHILD is telling this ridiculous tall story that they allow children to have parties and drink alcohol at your house. Tell them you are giving them the heads up as obviously no responsible parent would even consider that for their own young children never mind when they have other 12 year old children there!

You don't need to research and come up with reasons to justify your decision. Alcohol is simply not appropriate for children's developing brains, and they should not be making themselves vulnerable in social situations. Just tell your dd it is not on and to not expect to have a conversation about drinking alcohol until she as AT LEAST 16.

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