Teen daughter irresponsible

[MrsRaspberry]

I have an 18year old DD who doesn't live with me-she chose to move out and live independently in a supported living unit within the YMCA. She claims her own benefits and gets all her rent paid. All she's responsible for is paying a contribution to her utilities such as gas electricity Wi-Fi etc and buying her own food. She was working for about 2months and stubbornly quit her job so is now back to relying solely on Universal Credits to live on. Only time i hear from her is when she's asking me to send money to her as she's irresponsible with her finances. She spends her funds on weed and tattoos with no thought to how she's going to eat and thinks its ok to ask me to fund her living costs when she blows her money on unnecessary things. Now today is my 7year olds birthday and shes not even wished her sister a happy birthday. Shes text me to ask for money to buy clothes and stropped because I said no. She actually called my 16year old to say tell mum to send me some money stating she would ask my sister for some then called when i said ive got nothing to send to her. She rang me saying "i only wanted some trousers im your fucking child you should help me" i told her she can't just call people when shes after something as this is the only time any of us hear from her and she went on a massive rant of "im in fucking therapy because of you and you left me homeless" she isn't in therapy at all shes been to the doctors and been put on antidepressants and i did not leave her homeless she chose to leave home and live by herself and i supported her decision aswell as supported her financially when she first moved into her accommodation as she couldn't afford to pay deposits herself. She has been quite nasty to me tonight when i invited her over to spend time with us she told me "no i dont really want to see you and i cannot stand having you as a mum". She does this every time shes told no to anything. She did it to my sister too texting her abuse after my sister said no to her having a moped off her because she hasnt even got a licence to ride it. Shes my daughter and i love her but i cannot stand her attitude as all she does is causes upset every time she doesn't get her own way

I understand where you're coming from but she's 18 and obviously needs help otherwise she wouldn't of went to the doctors in the first place. You have to take some accountability as a mother. I know technically she's an adult now but why would she lie about therapy? Maybe she's on a waiting list?
If you can't afford to give her money, say no but it sounds like she needs emotional support from you. She might try and push you away but she needs you right now.
I've been in a similar situation when I was around that age. I had a really shitty upbringing so maybe I'm projecting. Regardless it's clear to see she needs your emotional support.

Are people just allowed into supported living because they want to?
I suspect there’s a WHOLE lot more to this story

@Dotcheck I agree

My 18/20 year old DD went into supportive living because she was showing symptoms of bi polar. I was immensely relieved when she got a place. It has been a huge weight of my shoulders and I mean HUGE. It's worked well for me and my daughter x

We have support for her day and night in her own room. I would be frantic with worry if she was unstable. It's a gift having daily contact with the Team. It's the only thing that I can breathe knowing she is in a safe place. I couldn't cope without it x

I decided to move out from my parents home the day I turned 16, I chose this because I could not get along with my mother, dad and brother (brother has mental health issues) I hated it there, she always blamed my brothers aggressive behaviour on his mental health issues (exacerbated by excessive cannabis use) so I believe there is more to this story and that your daughter didn't just decide to leave one day. Were there any issues within your relationship? Maybe you could look into the type of relationship you have with her, sounds like she is emotionally disconnected from you.

My DD was hospitalised due to her bi polar illness at approx 18 (probably earlier) and from that time it was hair raising, self harming, going missing, taking over doses running in front moving car. Tt was as terrifying. Our mental health team were a complete godsend!!

I really hope you can all get the help you need ♥️

She moved out last year at 17 due to refusing to come home after lying about staying at her mates. She stayed with a boyfriend whilst waiting for a place at ymca which took about 3 weeks. Shes kicked off for years when shes told no. She used to run off and refuse to come home until she got what she wanted. Shes also verbally abused my sister because for once my sister also said no to her too

She's 18 , so leave her to it. Continue to say no and if she becomes abusive then stop engaging and end the conversation. You can tell her that if she needs you that you are always there but that you can't financially support her. Trousers are a need not a want.

I would stop financing her completely as you can’t afford it and instead offer her warm meals at yours

Yes some YMCA places allow people to move in from age 16 if they've either been kicked out from home or if they refuse to return home. My DD was 17 when she moved in to hers last year due to refusing to return home after she didn't respect rules and lied about where she was

She gets invited to mine and she refuses. She just always wants money whenever she bothers to contact

Things aren't going to get better until she realises she needs to grow up herself, OP.

Just keep saying no when she asks for money. She needs to learn to be responsible. She's an adult.

This doesn't sound like it will get better until you can see both sides. Is her sister a half sister by any chance?

This, I work with young people in these settings. I'd be very surprised if there was no trauma here.

OP, if there is no back story, then all you can do is invite her to join you as a family, for meals, make it clear she is welcome as part of the family, but do not give her any money.

She is an adult. You can no longer make decisions for her. You can only offer non-financial support. She must make decisions for herself.

Hi Op

I am talking from experience,

You Need to believe her about having therapy
Unless she has a tendency for being emotionally manipulative or exaggeration the truth,
Obviously only you know,
I can't help feeling that there is more to this Op Thread,
there is something missing a gap,

I agree she can't use you as Huge ATM cash machine,
But it's obviously she is struggling which is not unausaul at her young age,

I would encourage her to get a part-time job, it would build up her confidence she can still work even though on social benefits,

Also encourage her to take part in numerous volunteering experiences that are out there, she be susprised the wide range of experiences,
that will help to improve her confidence and her cv too,
As I know from personal experiences, social security Agency and potential employers do value volunteering work experiences that a employee can bring to the table,

Be there for her emotionally to help her stand on her two feet, this is a major transition in her life,
even though she is officially classed as a Adult,
I think you need to also put boundaries in place too,
as you have started to do, with her being reckless with finances

Teach her about budgeting properly or tell her about Agencies charities that will help with this life skill,
(if she will not listen or see you at moment

Why not have sometimes mother and daughter pamper sessions too,
As they are a bit fun relaxing too,
Such as treats are,
In college's they have Holistic and beauty Therapies at a reduced cost too

Sounds like she's struggled for years.

I agree with above poster about maintaining emotional support. Invite her out for coffee or for meals. Make sure it's 1:1.

But don't just provide for her financially because it's not going to help her long term. (And you can't afford it).

Sounds like she does have MH difficulties but you can't change that. You can be a loving parent with boundaries though.

She wasn't a school refuser as such she'd refuse to attend when she didn't get her way though her exam results weren't the best no but she did go to college and completed her first year. Come her 2nd year she changed college and started hanging around with the troublemakers and got herself kicked out of college following suit with the new friends disrupting classes. Shes created drama for years unfortunately whenever she doesn't get things exactly her way she doesn't like being told no

This

You are incredibly critical of your troubled daughter and it sounds like she could have undiagnosed mental or behavioural issues.

What sort of help was she given when she was younger? anything? What did you or the school do to support her when she started playing up?

Your other daughter is much younger: is there a divorce/second family in the picture?

As other have mentioned there is probably more going on here.

You can have healthy boundaries and still be a loving and supportive parent.