Teen daughter irresponsible

[MrsRaspberry]

I have an 18year old DD who doesn't live with me-she chose to move out and live independently in a supported living unit within the YMCA. She claims her own benefits and gets all her rent paid. All she's responsible for is paying a contribution to her utilities such as gas electricity Wi-Fi etc and buying her own food. She was working for about 2months and stubbornly quit her job so is now back to relying solely on Universal Credits to live on. Only time i hear from her is when she's asking me to send money to her as she's irresponsible with her finances. She spends her funds on weed and tattoos with no thought to how she's going to eat and thinks its ok to ask me to fund her living costs when she blows her money on unnecessary things. Now today is my 7year olds birthday and shes not even wished her sister a happy birthday. Shes text me to ask for money to buy clothes and stropped because I said no. She actually called my 16year old to say tell mum to send me some money stating she would ask my sister for some then called when i said ive got nothing to send to her. She rang me saying "i only wanted some trousers im your fucking child you should help me" i told her she can't just call people when shes after something as this is the only time any of us hear from her and she went on a massive rant of "im in fucking therapy because of you and you left me homeless" she isn't in therapy at all shes been to the doctors and been put on antidepressants and i did not leave her homeless she chose to leave home and live by herself and i supported her decision aswell as supported her financially when she first moved into her accommodation as she couldn't afford to pay deposits herself. She has been quite nasty to me tonight when i invited her over to spend time with us she told me "no i dont really want to see you and i cannot stand having you as a mum". She does this every time shes told no to anything. She did it to my sister too texting her abuse after my sister said no to her having a moped off her because she hasnt even got a licence to ride it. Shes my daughter and i love her but i cannot stand her attitude as all she does is causes upset every time she doesn't get her own way

@MrsRaspberry
I'd block her from all phones and social media and leave it a week. If there's an emergency the YMCA would contact you

It sounds a very difficult situation all round but maybe some time and space is needed. It's not fair on your other 2 children.

YMCA never contact me. She put herself there rather than being put there by any kind of services. She contacted them herself after I had a brief conversation and explained to them that she was refusing to return home last year at not quite 18 yet. She's 19 this year. She's the eldest of 5 children and this isnt the first time shes kicked off over the years. She used to refuse school if she couldn't have her way i said to school for years maybe theres behaviour issues and they dismissed it saying that she was fine in school shes just testing boundaries at home. I've never blocked contact as i don't want to cut her off. Shes blocked my number and social media plenty of times since moving out last year. She was meant to come on our family holiday last year just after she moved out but ended up not coming as she blocked contact after i had to say no to sending money after she had already had £200 from me in the space of a week i had literally nothing else to give her

No they are not. They have to be homeless with no prospect of returning to their parents' home or wherever they have been made homeless from. If under 18 when they present they have to have a full social care assessment.
OP something has gone very wrong with your relationship with her which is your responsibility not hers. Focus on that, not on her being irresponsible or asking for money. All teenagers are like that.

What a fucking horrible suggestion. And no they won't contact the mother. She's an adult.

She was under 18 when she applied to live there. I contacted them myself after she refused to return home and was told she needed to contact them herself. She had the option to continue to live at home but she insisted she didn't want to due to a breakdown in the relationship between myself and her-we had argued due to her lying and constant kicking off when she isnt getting her way. She had no assessments and no social worker involved. Yes the relationship is strained with her she is also very stubborn. She blocks my phone and all social media every time she doesn't get things exactly as and when she wants them. I'd never block contact from her as regardless shes still my child

Does a half sibling make a difference? They're siblings regardless. I mean if it helps your answer then yes they're half siblings biologically as they don't share a mutual father. Im a single parent and youngest siblings dad isn't in the picture either and hasn't been for the past 2 years

I'm sorry but you need to take accountability!! She's messed up for a reason. She didn't start acting out one day because of nothing. That's not how it works. You need to try and put yourself in her shoes. There's way more to this than meets the eye and you obviously don't have to disclose anything you don't want to but maybe you need to take a minute to look at your behaviour. That would be helpful in my opinion. Noones perfect and you must have some part to play in this.
I feel sorry for your daughter. Go to wherever she is and give her a hug. Tell her you love her and if you've messed up in anyway (most of us do) then apologise.

There is clearly major issues at play here, this sort of situation does not come from nowhere, and you must have some idea what the source of the problem is.

Is it genuinely coming from inside her? It could be ASD? or other genetic condition?

Is it stemming from trauma in her life? Chaos? drugs?

They root cause needs adressing, really,

She does smoke weed as stated in the original post which probably isn't helpful. I can imagine she hasn't told her doctor she smokes it and being 18 I doubt they're going to discuss her with me even the fact I'm her mum isnt going to matter given she has a right to privacy as an adult. When she last got paid she said she was getting a tattoo and buying weed. I told her be sensible with her spending as she doesn't even know if she's getting a full payment of universal credit this month considering she quit her job without very good reason they could well sanction her benefits. No ones perfect i get that but she does this each and every single time she can't get what she wants and its becoming unfair on everyone. Im not the only person she treats in this manner. She used to be fine with my sister as my sister used to spoil her and give her everything now my sister has had to say no to her for once shes now bombarded her also with tirades of verbal abuse too

Rather than give money can you treat her in other ways eg take her out for a meal/ take her for a day out to do something she is interested in/ go to a film together. At least if she is invited regularly and if you text or call her regularly, even if you don't hear back, then she is being involved and has a route back when she's ready.

I do take her for dinners just me and her when i have the funds. Im a single parent with her 4 younger siblings at home on capped benefits as my wages are low from limited working hours through an agency. Admittedly its not often as i cant always afford to take her out. I ask her to meet up and invite her over it usually comes with a request to buy her something or send money to her. She can't say shes excluded she excludes herself. She's been invited over numerous times to spend time with us as a family and she either doesnt respond or she was too busy with her boyfriend when they were together(they broke up last month). I suspect her relationship was a controlling one as we all tried to tell her to be careful as he was constantly telling her what to do what she can and can't wear etc and he would send family nasty messages aswell as withholding her savings from her by having them off her to keep in his bank account saying he was "looking after them" for her

I'm struggling with what advice to give you, as the PP have all said she needs more help, which is right.

She's in an abusive relationship or has been and isn't well. With 4 younger siblings I'm guessing she feels left out as well.

A child who goes into assisted living at 18 and is hooked on cannabis is a child with lots of trauma. I don’t know what happened to your girl OP but you’re blaming it all on her, not taking any accountability by stating she’s like this because she fell with the wrong crowd”. This sounds like a very one sided story. Your daughter is hurting a lot and this has nothing to do with her wanting some trousers.

No I'm not. Haven't been for the last 2 years

All i know is that she told me that her doctor has prescribed sertraline about 2 weeks ago when i last saw her there was no mention of therapy at all at that point. She mentioned therapy in a phone call yesterday so I'm not sure if shes being truthful. She can be a little manipulative in attempts to get what she wants. She used to do it when she lived at home with me and her siblings. We went out as a family about 3months before she moved out and kicked off over not being brought a hair dye and she actually ran off from us and hopped on a train home alone. Shes ran off from home purely because i have said no to takeaways because ive either not had the funds to buy them and theres always food at home. The reason she moved out was that i found her out telling lies about staying at a friends and i found it out because the friend she was lying about staying with is one of my friends children. Im in no way a perfect parent and don't claim to be either. She had a part time job which she quit because she wasted money on a tattoo and didn't have bus fare to get there. She was offered a way to get there by her manager and she refused it and quit with less than an hours notice before her shift was due to start. The ymca where she lives gets a food bank delivery weekly aswell as she gets advice with budgeting such as shopping in cheaper stores like aldi and lidl-she has a local aldi moments away from home within walking distance. I try to tell her to be mindful of her spending but she clearly doesn't listen then she can't deal with the consequence of reckless spending because she seems to think others will just fund her living expenses when she runs out of her own funds

My now ex husband wasn't living with us when she moved out. He had been out of the family home for a year at that poimt due to our marriage breakdown due to cheating on his part. They got on most of the time. No social services involvement either

I am sorry but my son started taking drugs, stealing, violence, refusing school in the context of a loving family (own biological mum and dad married to each other) who tried everything to help him. He would hold us hostage and not let us out of the house if we didn’t give him money for drugs. Drugs wreck personalities and lives often triggering personality disorders - it certainly did for my son who was given drugs as an expensive fee paying school where they were rife. Many young people from loving homes commit suicide. He is more stable now but can still be highly abusive to his family who bought somewhere for him to live. Such judgement for OP on this thread.

Thanks. I do wonder if smoking weed was maybe not necessarily the cause but hasnt helped the situation either. Personally I've wondered for a while if shes on the autistic spectrum but the suggestion has always been dismissed when I've questioned the possibility with school stating "she behaves in school we have no issues with behaviour" friends have also suggested the possibility but doctors wouldn't do much without anything coming from school either.

OP I am sorry for your trouble. I also think my son is autistic and drugs have made it much much worse. He has little to no empathy and reacts horrendously if things don’t go his way. Keep your chin up - people are ridiculous and the amount of parent blaming shocking. My son was read to every night, expensive birthday parties, holidays, sports, clothes, outings as a child. Everything he wanted but he always pushed the boundaries and then drugs became the issue. I am sure your daughter was and is much loved.

I could have written this post. Sending you a huge hug and the strength to ignore the unhelpful comments.
Keep the lines of communication open. It is obvious you love and care for your daughter otherwise you wouldn’t be reaching out asking for help x

Honestly thankyou. She needs something but being 18 I can't even get her to a doctor shes not a child. I can only imagine that her last visit she didnt mention the smoking weed so whatever meds the doctor gave arent going to help whilst continuing to smoke that. I've tried to sway her off from it and she responds the same every time that its fine shes fine its only a plant and to stay out of her business. Shes far too stubborn