Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I think dd is stealing money from me

27 replies

stclair · 06/02/2023 12:56

I’ve had suspicions over the past few weeks.To save a long story, yesterday I found myself £15 short of the money I was leaving for cleaner. Dh also said he’s noticed money missing from his wallet. I exclaimed over it all in earshot of dd13 who looked a bit sheepish but tried to
explain away what may have happened to it. Dd10 also cant find her purse with all her savings it in. Dd1 knows I’m suspicious, I’m sure of it, but how do I bring this up with her without total accusation? I’m sure she would just deny it

OP posts:
ChocChipOwl · 06/02/2023 13:00

It's quite a normal thing at this age and absolutely needs nipping in the bud now

My daughter did this aged 12 and she's now a police officer so don't lose hope or go in too hard!

How much does she have as pocket money? That's the first thing to think about - the reasons why she may be stealing the money. Does she not have much?

I'd just sit both of them down and say you've noticed money going missing and did anyone have any suggestions? I may throw in that it's a crime to steal and if it continued happening, I may need to call the police for advice.

The jet hopefully will be enough to stop it but really, it's a case of finding out what she needs the money for

ChocChipOwl · 06/02/2023 13:01

*this hopefully

Amethyst6 · 06/02/2023 13:02

Plant money somewhere and try to catch her in the act. Although there's only so many people it could be, you might feel better if you have proof rather than accusing her. Hide all other money and keep it out of reach/sight. It's not ideal but it's better to know for sure than speculate.

Original poster
stclair · 06/02/2023 13:07

Thanks for the advice. She gets £7 transferred every Monday onto her Revolut card. She has asked for ways she could make more money but anything I suggest is vetoed! Eg car washing. She is saving to buy things but I’m not sure what. We buy her anything she needs/wants within reason so she knows she only needs to ask.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 06/02/2023 13:20

I would have a family meeting to start with and state that money seems to be going missing. Ask a general, 'Has anyone any idea what's going on?'. She's unlikely to say anything in front of everyone (if indeed it is her!) but I'd also make it clear that you can be approached privately.
If you're still none the wiser then I agree with the pp who said to plant some money.
If it is her - or her sibling - you then need to calmly get to the root of the problem.

ChocChipOwl · 06/02/2023 13:27

I wouldn't plant money. Just setting her up to , well, fail isn't it?

I'd rather come down hard with a proper chat than do that I think

SuburbanMummy123 · 06/02/2023 13:31

I stole the odd note from my parents at about that age, and was given plenty of pocket money. I think it’s perfectly normal and hopefully the threat/embarrassment of almost being found out will stop it. If not then yes you need to tackle it more head-on I suppose

Lou670 · 06/02/2023 13:34

@ChocChipOwl That is an odd comment to make about your daughter being a police officer. Yes, you would think that choosing that as a career then no crime would ever be committed by one of them. Sadly as we all know, that is not true.

TidyDancer · 06/02/2023 14:14

I think the sit down chat is a good idea. Firmly done but careful not to back her into a corner. Give her a chance to come to you and admit it.

Smartiepants79 · 06/02/2023 14:24

How much of your dd2s money is missing?? Have you really, really looked for it? If you’re sure it’s gone can you work out what it might have been spent on?
I would be starting with what I would do at school if I think one of the kids has filched something. A general chat about how you the money is missing, do they have any idea where it might be? Lay it on thick with the guilt trip and make it clear that you’d be so happy if someone managed to find it.
Any way you can engineer it so that she can see what the money should have been for - ‘oh, I’m sorry we can’t have macdonalds this week cos that money is missing’……. Insert treat of choice!!
Dd2 will get her savings back, won’t she??

Riapia · 06/02/2023 14:29

How much does she have as pocket money? That's the first thing to think about - the reasons why she may be stealing the money. Does she not have much?

So there you are OP give her more pocket money and she’ll have no need to steal.
Bet you never thought of that.

ChocChipOwl · 06/02/2023 14:48

@Lou670 why is it an odd comment? Merely making a point - in case the op is worried that this is a slippery slope to all sorts of things - that is not usually the case.

I think your comment is more odd tbh!

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 06/02/2023 14:48

So if she’s saving can you check her account balance? Surely there are repeated deposits going in

purser25 · 06/02/2023 15:26

Could people be asking her for money

wishmyhousetidy · 06/02/2023 15:34

Can be for vapes and worse. Happened to us and no we were blissfully unaware that she would be this daft but unfortunately some teens are.

fantasmasgoria1 · 06/02/2023 15:35

Is she being bullied and the bullies demanding money?

Blanketpolicy · 06/02/2023 15:39

Sitting down for a family meeting and asking if anyone knows what is going on is pointless.

You know it is her, take her out somewhere privately and talk to her. State it as a fact (you don't need to tell her how you know), tell her you are not looking for her to deny it, you just want her to talk to you and let you know what is going on. Don't get cross, listen carefully and see what you can work out together. Doesn't mean there shouldn't be consequences but the main thing is to find out what has caused her to do it.

ManyNameChanges · 06/02/2023 16:03

Had that issue with ds.
Just came down hard on him explaining how this was not on. Never did it again tbh.
(explanation was about the impact on what he did rather than the morality of it iyswim)

Original poster
stclair · 06/02/2023 17:50

Thanks for all your comments. Well, we’ve just had a chat. I started off by saying I knew she was saving for things and I was concerned about money going missing in the house and pls tell me is it her, I want to understand not be cross etc etc. She admitted it straight away and apologised several times so glad it’s in the open. Adamant hasn’t taken dd2’s money. Seems to think needs to pay for own clothes?!! Explained you are 13, I will carry on buying the clothes! She has slightly off the wall tastes so probably thinks I would say no.

OP posts:
Blanketpolicy · 06/02/2023 19:33

stclair · 06/02/2023 17:50

Thanks for all your comments. Well, we’ve just had a chat. I started off by saying I knew she was saving for things and I was concerned about money going missing in the house and pls tell me is it her, I want to understand not be cross etc etc. She admitted it straight away and apologised several times so glad it’s in the open. Adamant hasn’t taken dd2’s money. Seems to think needs to pay for own clothes?!! Explained you are 13, I will carry on buying the clothes! She has slightly off the wall tastes so probably thinks I would say no.

Its is great you have been able to talk about it, but dont forget it was wrong and there are still appropriate consequences. All money needs to be returned (if she doesn't have it were has it gone) and whatever your normal consequences would be.

Original poster
stclair · 06/02/2023 20:05

She gave me the £15 yesterday as I was scratching around for some for the cleaner under the guise of, “I think I have some Christmas money left you can borrow “. Today when we spoke about it I said I wouldn’t be paying her back but as for the rest (she only took it out of my purse I know now) we will call it quits but she will have to save up or use her weekly allowance. She has agreed she can earn more by cleaning out the cat’s loo!

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 06/02/2023 20:16

Hâve you thought about giving her more autonomy for buying clothes etc.

My DDs x3 were younger than that when I worked out what they "needed" to pay for the basic versions of their clothes. I gave them 50% of that based on the fact they had all the clothes they needed at the start. Then I divided in 12 (you could do 52) and left them to it. It's been v successful. I spend a lot less.

They have to buy ALL clothes, school, home, sport etc. And presents for us, siblings, friends.

They are now 17, 17 & 18 and manage their spending well. One of them has a side business reselling on Vintage.

I did make them keep accounts and learn to balance them for a couple of years. Showed that maths actually is useful.

Mamoun · 06/02/2023 20:22

stclair · 06/02/2023 20:05

She gave me the £15 yesterday as I was scratching around for some for the cleaner under the guise of, “I think I have some Christmas money left you can borrow “. Today when we spoke about it I said I wouldn’t be paying her back but as for the rest (she only took it out of my purse I know now) we will call it quits but she will have to save up or use her weekly allowance. She has agreed she can earn more by cleaning out the cat’s loo!

Well done OP. Great parenting!

Maray1967 · 15/07/2023 20:15

Great result. Just shows what you can achieve if you sit down and talk openly with them.

Jammything8 · 15/07/2023 20:22

Is that £7 per week OP? I know stealing is wrong but I feel £7 isn't a lot at all even for a 13 year old. Why have you not just rounded it up to £10?