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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Using a secret phone and has extra money

56 replies

CottonPyjamas · 30/01/2023 16:20

This is a long one but there's a summary at the bottom.

My teen son has never really given me any cause for concern before. He's mostly well-mannered, does chores around the house, is doing well at school and his clubs, and this gets commented on by other adults.

I've noticed over the last year that he's been buying sweets, and then at Christmas he bought his girlfriend a gift. However, all his pocket money goes into GoHenry so I should be able to see where and when he spends it. None of these transactions have come up, and he claims to find loose change at school, or his friends have given him sweets. The quantity doesn't seem to add up though. He's not particularly careful about hiding rubbish in his bin.

Last night, I went to retrieve my phone charger from him and found him on his laptop quite late at night. He's doing mock exams at the moment so was told to turn off and get to sleep. He's been complaining about being tired lately so this is probably why. About midnight, his nursery aged sister was up and while putting her back in bed I saw a glow from the crack of his door. He was on his phone. I didn't need to say much, just held my hand out and took it to my room for the night, then spoke to him this morning about sleep especially with exams.

While he was at school, I heard an alarm/ring tone I didn't recognise and followed the sound to his room. It stopped before I could find what it was and turn it off. However, I saw his phone sticking out from an often used shoe. He'd never go to school without the phone! I picked it up and it said No Sim Card, but had the current background of him and his girlfriend and was almost fully charged. I decided to message him, and actually got a reply, so his sim card is in another device. When he came in from school, he obviously had a phone on him and it had the same background. So he's using two phones.

On his shelf was also a permission slip that he said he'd handed in to one of his clubs with payment (from his own money). When he came in I asked if he'd handed it in Friday and he said yes. So he's also lied directly too me.

I'm concerned. Money, lying and using an extra phone aren't good signs, but I'm trying not to get ahead of myself and want to get to the bottom of this without him feeling alienated. Especially if there are problems.

Does anyone have any advice, please?

TLDR: my teen son is generally a really good kid, but he's had extra money that makes me suspicious, lied about handing a form and payment in to a club, and today I found a second phone in use that he appears to be swapping sim cards in and out of.

OP posts:
CottonPyjamas · 30/01/2023 22:28

Evening all, and thanks for your replies. We've had a chat. When he handed over his phone at midnight last night, he realised he wouldn't be able to message his friends, and so he charged up the second phone to do so. When I offered to recycle the second phone for him, he realised that once again he wouldn't be able to message his friends and so went through my drawers to sneak it back. His explanation for the likes of the lego and sweets etc. still doesn't sit right with me. He's said his friend bought him the lego from a bargain bin (but the set was only released last year) and I don't think it's not fair for his friend to be buying him things all the time. He did get birthday money last year from his grandparents, which I knew of, but spent this on his girlfriend's Christmas present.
I don't understand why he's felt the need to be dishonest. I've always tried to have an open relationship with him where he can discuss anything with me. I've also never controlled what he spends his own money on, so don't understand why he hides it. He could easily have come in and said, "look what I've bought, mum." I am thankful he's not in any serious trouble, but I think there's going to be a niggle of doubt whenever he tells me things in future.

OP posts:
Apollonia1 · 30/01/2023 22:42

There's still a lot of lies. Eg your husband didn't ask for him a phone. Why would his friend buy him a Lego set - was it his birthday? It's good you've open lines of communication, but it still seems there's something more to this.

PeekAtYou · 30/01/2023 22:48

I think that you need to keep on following this up.
How much is this Lego set? How would you feel if the tables were reversed and ds bought the other boy a set costing that much? It was hidden under his bed- that shows that there is something wrong. I'd be very worried that he was manipulating a more vulnerable boy to buy him stuff like sweets and Lego (Best case scenario) or he was being groomed (worst case scenario)

colouringindoors · 30/01/2023 22:58

I would definitely raise your concerns with school. County Lines issues will fall under their Safeguarding remit and hopefully they'll be able to advise you. You are handling this brilliantly.

Rollergirl11 · 30/01/2023 23:32

This all sounds very strange. You don’t say how old your DS is but you mentioned mocks so I’m guessing Year 11? Aren’t Lego and sweets a little young for a 15/16 yr old with a girlfriend? Also most teens tend to use Snapchat for messaging these days and you can’t be logged in to Snapchat on more than one device at a time. You didn’t say if he has social media on his phone?

Singleandproud · 30/01/2023 23:44

His story still isn't straight.
It could be County Lines but if both phones are old family ones thats less likely as teens are normally tempted by new gadgets.
It could be a second phone to handover when caught on phones in class so his good phone doesn't get taken, that's quite a common ploy.
He could be being groomed for other reasons and being given gifts as part of that.
He could be bullying and taking other people money.
He could be an entrepreneur and selling sweets etc at school, some make a good earning from this but know they aren't meant to so keep quiet.

IDontCareMatthew · 30/01/2023 23:49

Did he steal the Lego?

Does he actually have more cash, money in an account or actual items?

IDontCareMatthew · 30/01/2023 23:49

Also, I thought perhaps a grooming of some sort ?

user1492757084 · 31/01/2023 08:00

The girlfriend is possibly an influence and a gift giver and a reason for him to have more private phone conversations.

Do you know her well? Is she likely to be a connection to a different set of friends? Is he needing to splurge gifts on her?
You are doing the right thing to pursue your unsettled feelings.

beachcitygirl · 31/01/2023 08:17

He's lying.

LilLilLi · 31/01/2023 08:32

He’s lying.

OP you need to take this seriously, I worked with many young people involved in county lines and it was never the kids you thought it would be. It may not be that, but you have to consider it as a real possibility. Someone is giving your son money. He is lying about it. Why?

New Lego sets will not be cheap from a bargain bin.
He lied about your husband needing a phone.
He took the phone back.
He lied about finding money.

Speak with the school, you really need to get to the bottom of this because there is every chance your son is involved in something he shouldn’t be, and is potential dangerous.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 31/01/2023 13:14

Inconsistent stories or explanations that aren't logical, are lies. If it feels off, it is.

You are right to challenge this.

I'm unsure what it could be though.

I can't see if you've said age? The GoHenry card would indicate younger teen perhaps?

Is he out much, or late to things? Have you met his girlfriend? Does he have a close-knit friendship group? Is he uncharacteristically quiet?

ICanHideButICantRun · 31/01/2023 13:21

Have you seen the price of Lego? There's no way his friend casually bought him that!

It's clear he's lying - he's trying to keep one step ahead with all his reasons, but he is lying.

What are his friends like?

ICanHideButICantRun · 31/01/2023 13:23

How old is your son?

Lovinmyblanket · 31/01/2023 13:28

Lego set under the duvet is very odd.
I'd raise concerns with the school as even if it's nothing they might have picked up on something in school and can put the pieces together

wiltshirelass1418 · 31/01/2023 13:30

Any chance he could be shoplifting? Selling stuff off for the extra money?

SpacePotato · 31/01/2023 13:38

When he had the two phones together you should've taken both there and then.

That way you could've swapped the sim yourself to check 2nd phone.

He's lying about everything.

The fact he went and took it back speaks volumes. Also gave him the opportunity to delete everything off it. You shouldn't have left it where he could get it.

KittyCatChat · 31/01/2023 13:47

Does he go missing ? Leave the house late at night? Does he have new trainers or other expensive gadgets ? Do you track his phone?

Are you close to his GF ? Could you drop it into a conversation with her ?

Greensleeves · 31/01/2023 13:49

I think the fluency and brazenness of his lying suggests that whatever he is involved in, he has been in it for a while and is in deep.

I would be shitting myself, OP. I think you need to sit him down and have this out properly - calmly, but with you making him address every inconsistency, every lie. He's fobbing you off and you're letting him.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 31/01/2023 14:02

No that still doesn’t sit right.
what friend apparently have him the sweets and Lego? Are teenage boys in the habit of giving their mates lots of treats?!

In your shoes I would be open with him about what your concern is. If it is something like county lines or grooming or some other kind he might be afraid to tell you.

I would speak to his friends parents and see if they know anything - maybe they’ve noticed something too.

I would also ask to speak with someone at school to highlight the issue to them. They’ll have a wider idea about if something is going on with kids in the local area or have noticed a change at school in friendships etc

CottonPyjamas · 31/01/2023 15:02

I'm just on a nursery/school run so will try to answer the questions I've remembered...

My son's just turned 15, in S4 (equivalent to year 10), and has only recently given his lego to his younger brother. He has however kept a couple of sets that are of topics he's interested in. The new set is about £20 brand new.

He has social media apps on both phones but only his current phone had them logged into. One of the conditions of him getting a phone was that I have his passwords and can access them when asked. He is allowed privacy unless I have cause for concern such as this. He's never had a problem with this and tells passwords me willingly. The second phone was one he had previously used and was lying around. I am now keeping it permanently and I've changed the access code.

He attends a youth organisation twice a week and they're stringent on attendance. He also trains in a sport one evening and has a weekend game. I attend this, and he's also been invited to attend try outs for a regional team. Any time he goes out, he gives me a location and asks when I want him back. He's always back on time and if he's cutting it fine he phones me. Evidence on his phone shows me he's been to the places he's said, with the people he's said.

This incident with the phone is a first, and he could simply be being an idiot teenager and thinking he won't be caught. Heck, I remember my brother lying and blaming something on me when it was obvious it was him.

The sweets and now the lego has been going on for longer and was something I've already spoken to him about. That still doesn't ring true for me. He's friend who supposedly bought him the lego is a great kid and I can't put it passed him to do that, but it would appear that the buying of gifts is one sided rather than reciprocal

I have to go, but will try to answer more later

OP posts:
Exasperatednow · 31/01/2023 15:15

I have a 16 year old ds. Potentially there may be something up or the other option is he is keeping you out of his life and finding means to do that. I think at 15 he needs a bank account.

I would talk to him with the view about transitioning to a more adult relationship. I wouldn't talk to other parents (he would be mortified and then he would have even less trust in you). I'd talk to him about your concerns but in an adult and less parental way.

My mother smothered me and all that happened was as a teenager I didn't tell her anything and took lots of risks. I find with teenagers, (what's worked for me) is to be open about everything and provide opportunities to talk (for both of you). Don't jump to conclusions. Just ask him.

StillWeRise · 31/01/2023 15:26

my first thought when I saw the thread title was county lines- but the amount he seems to be gaining is relatively trivial- sweets and a lego set
apart from lying about the phone and his dad wanting it - he still seems very relaxed about OP checking phone etc and not much time unaccounted for
which makes me think a simpler explanation (shoplifting, or selling stuff) may be more likely

potniatheron · 31/01/2023 15:32

Could it be an adult that's giving him the treats, rather than his friend? Maybe someone he met online?

Grantanow · 31/01/2023 15:37

I think you need help with this.

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