my daughter went from I'm happy n loved to worst dad ever overnight!

[jaygee007]

Hi, I am hoping someone will take the time to read this and give me their honest opinion please.

I have a 14 year old daughter who seemed perfectly happy living with myself and my partner Monday to Friday until a few days ago when her continuing rudeness led me to add an extension to her length of time grounded for previous back chat when asked about the chores that she wasn't doing, which has been going on for far too long in IMO and that of my partner. Typical teenage stuff.

Anyway, it escalated and she phoned her mum, who drove an hour to pick her up. My daughter has since texted me to say essentially that I am the worst dad
and have made her feel terrible for the last weeks/months.

It’s all a total shock. I have “messaged” her to say that I would regularly ask her how she was and if I was asking too much of her, and she has always seemed happy. I even added that if I have raised my voice to her 6 times in a year it would be a high guess, but I did apologise for having raised my voice at all and realise that I should not have let it get so far, but she pushes and I have to discipline her with grounding her or taking her phone away.

In this instance she mocked being grounded for a month and threatened me with giving her a year, why not 2 years type of thing. I calmly said I could only realistically give her 1 month grounded but I would take her phone. She defied me and said no. She said no again and phoned her mum. She left upset and I was cold with her as I was angry and hurt that she would walk away from this family. She, I believe is being very dishonest with me about how she feels and I do believe she could just walk away from our relationship. Something her mother is good at. I haven’t said that, but on here I think it is relevant.

I have read articles about parents who turn a child against the other parent. I have had GFs in the past whose dads were cracking. When I pointed this out, it would usually end up with the daughter-father relationship becoming really strong, sometimes at the cost of the mothers relationship, and unfortunately so as they were great mothers, just in this instance, a little bit problematic.

I don’t think her mum should have taken her away and not let me deal with the situation. Perhaps she could have taken her for a tea until she calmed down (and me too) and then brought her back to me to sort out the situation. However, she has done similar things before and now it has gone all even weirder and out of nowhere my daughter has said I am a terrible father, according to a text message reply.

She recently sent a brief message to ask to draw a line and move forward, we then had a brief conversation. I had hoped it was a way for her to get out of a situation that had got out of her control - perhaps assisted by her mother. She sounded like my daughter and was agreeing that there aren’t any instances of being unfair as to be upset at what was being asked of her, An amnesty.

However, now I am not sure she accepts any responsibility for her actions and believes I have to take the blame for getting angry at her for not doing her basic chores and answering me and my partner back (she has lived with us for 5 years - no problems).

It’s literally, as far as me, my partner, and closest friends are concerned, not me asking too much and my partner believes (my mother RIP said the same) that I am often too soft on my daughter. However, my best friend, when I listed my daughter's chores, said he would move in with her mother too for an easy life. We don’t believe we ask her to do too much - look after her pets needs, empty and fill the dishwasher, and clean the floors once a week.

I hope that makes sense. I suppose if I was to ask a questions, they would include:

Should her mother have taken her away or at least called me to check what had happened?

Should I still continue with her penalties (can’t think of a better word just now) or let her off (amnesty) or ask her what she thinks is appropriate?

PS: I did touch on this during our brief phone call and explained that now I don’t know if I am annoying her and at what point she would just get upset again and phone her mum. Her replies sounded like my daughter, caught in a web of her own making, but her messages and actions are not congruent.

If anyone feels they have the time to reply. I appreciate your help if you do.

I reckon being able to apologise and move on is a really valuable thing to do here - your DD will feel listened to.
Talk this through when you are all feeling calmer.
14 is an age of big feelings and growing maturity and kids do start to pull away from their parents.
Good luck.

My measures are that my mum would have just slapped me around the face. My wife was grounded for a year when she was 15 for arriving home drunk one night.

I looked after myself from morning to night when I was 14. I guess this standard isn't helpful.

Just to add on (sorry this is so fragmented) - if your daughter is very sensitive, there may also be an emotionally hurtful component to you saying "actually, I've been unhappy with your behaviour and putting up with it for ages". It's actually a perfectly reasonable thing to say but to an emotionally volatile teen with separated parents it might come as a rude shock.

My own parent used to do that after I thought we'd had a fun week together. For all you know, as you say she seemed perfectly happy, your daughter might have thought the past few weeks/months with you was going swimmingly, spending quality time together, etc. And now this casts your perception of your time living together in a hurtfully different light.

Could your daughter have been trying to give you a taste of your own medicine in going "actually, I haven't enjoyed my time with you over the past few weeks"? Which would have come across as the same rude revisionist shock, only to you this time.

Don't underestimate that - although she comes across as bratty, and ready to take flight any moment - deep down she may be afraid of a parent leaving her first, as children of divorce often are. She wants you to like spending time with her, she doesn't want to be a burden.

Of course, don't call her out for every little thing, but do try to nip repeated problems in the bud with proportionate consequences as soon as possible rather than let it all explode and come to a head.

Same for me growing up! Oh dear! 😅

I agree with this on back chat. I was often knocked about and slapped black and blue for "back chat" or perceived impudence, but really I was just developing my own sarcastic voice/sense of humour (which I later learnt to use appropriately)!

More words of wisdom from you all. I'm really glad I asked for feedback. I was so expletive sure I was right.

Firstly well done for taking the replies on board.
Having re read your original post, a few things occur to me that may be useful for you to reflect on:

• if your daughter majority lived with her mother and phoned you in distress to collect her, what would you do? Try not to focus on the mother's actions overly - you have no way of really knowing what her intentions were and it's too easy to project feelings of hostility between separated parents. Your focus is on your daughter.
• It's not clear why you and her mother separated but from what you implied "just walk away from our relationship. Something her mother is good at", there are a lot of feelings of pain and suspicion lingering. You do well to try not to reveal that to your daughter, hurt between parents does nothing but harm to the children. So if you can, try to disentangle these feelings from those about the current situation.
• your daughter may have said in the heat of the moment that she thinks you are a terrible father. Welcome to the teenage years! The majority of parents will have heard this said to us at some time. I'm sure she doesn't really mean it. It's not a deliberate and rationalised judgement, but rather an emotional lashing out.
• While you may realise on reflection you can handle things differently, I also don't think you need to beat yourself up and over-apologise. An amnesty is a good idea, and to suggest that you talk together to come up with ways to do things differently that suit everyone involved. Don't let her have you over a barrel, but negotiate like (almost) adults.
• From the examples you've given, it sounds like her behaviour is along the lines of answering back, grumpily saying "I already said I'll do it later!" The sanctions you've given might be more appropriate for things like swearing or going out without permission. For not doing a chore my own reaction might be to first remind, then if not completed by an agreed time to say that I am disappointed because she agreed and now I have had to do it. At that point, she might apologise and then we draw a line so long as it's done the next time I ask, or I might ask how she'll pay me back for doing her job.

@Twillow thanks for that thoughtful response. They are all perfectly reasonable and correct. "Teenage years". Exactly. I need to get over myself as well. I can see a way through this now, which is something that has been troubling me.

@jaygee007 i’ve nothing new to add. I think you’ve had some excellent advice. I did just want to say well done for taking on board what people are saying. No one is a perfect parent. The teenage years cannot be underestimated, it’s not just in the TV shows, you wonder where the lovely compliant child went!! You clearly love your daughter and want to continue to have a great relationship, which is wonderful and will be the greatest gift you can give your daughter for the rest of her life. Good luck

If only her mum would work with you as a parent. As long as your daughter sees a crack in the hierarchy of authority she will manipulate it.

Just one more thought - this is not exactly apologising to your wife for a spat between the two of you, your daughter is in the middle and probably feeling torn and embarrassed. This apology, while to your wife, should free your daughter up to start afresh with you. ricepuddin is right about her bravado and back chat probably masking a lot of insecurities, as well as just being a teen thing of trying out self assertion (a useful tool in future relationships, you don't want her to get used to just backing down when someone shouts - or shouting back, you can work out communication strategies in your relationship). You can definitely work on this all together, good luck.

I mean it should SOUND like you are apologising to your wife! Because as others have said she really did need to collect your daughter when asked and then deal with the ins and outs separately. We don't know enough about the relationship to know further about any power struggles or whatever, but that's between you and your wife, it's your daughter you are turning a new page with. And maybe a different type of communication will help all round?

Yeah, I apologised and then later agreed that she was right to pick her up. I just couldn't see that at the time.

OP something that can work is to have more natural consequences rather than punishment. For example if the chores aren't done, then there are no drives to friends or to anywhere else for the day or next day. Basically you push the message that everyone contributes to the household and that she needs to do her part if she wants you to do things for her (social things). You speak her language - an I don't want to help out by emptying the dishwasher leads to a well I don't want to go out and drive you to Diane's or to the store to get x.

As for back chat, I would tell her that she isn't enjoyable to be around when she is speaking disrespectfully. I wuld suggest she go spend time on her own in her room until she can also express her concerns or opinion without being rude. If it gets excessive, that is different.

Talking her phone away sohuld be for phone related issues.

You have to connect the issue to the consequence to make it meaningful.

Grouding should be for things like she sneaks out or lies about where she is - and then only in measure to the crime.

As for back chat, I would tell her that she isn't enjoyable to be around when she is speaking disrespectfully. I wuld suggest she go spend time on her own in her room until she can also express her concerns or opinion without being rude.

I can't imagine suggesting spending time in their room as a punishment, I spend all my time trying to get them out 😬 If they worked that out they would be back chatting me to Kingdom come!

I agree. A good punishment for mine would be having to spend two hours with us at a time that is not dinner or a fun outing. 😥
Her room is her lair.

I have never "grounded" my daughter or asked her to do any chores. Who needs that shit?

I wish you good luck , OP.

A friend was very rules based with his kids and is totally estranged from them now.

Have you thought about how your daughter is progressing to independence? She's getting to an age where you will have near to no control, she needs to choose to make the right decisions.

To facilitate that, you need to involve her in the discipline process.

Calmly sit together and discuss- you're really behind on your chores, why is that? Ok, well it's really important to the household that we all do our share. What should we do about it?

She may want to swap chores, or do them at a different time, or get less pocket money in order to do fewer chores.... all that can potentially be negotiated.

She can also suggest a consequence for her own rudeness. "I was really upset when you said that. It hurt my feelings. Were you saying it just to make me cross or did you actually mean what you said?".

Honestly, avoiding those kinds of conversations where they have to take responsibility for their own words and behaviour is mortifying- they'll behave really well to avoid them .

Taking responsibility for your own behaviour is worse than any punishment a parent can meet out, and totally undermines their 'my parents are so mean' narrative.

Children with separated parents, in my experience, go to the house with the least rules, especially as they get older and can choose!
My advice would be to reduce the chore expectation, if she's talking to you & sharing things with you, you've won! imho
It's hard for them to have split homes, as long as she is respectful to you, enjoy your relationship, that's more important in the long run.

Incentives, rather than punishments. We have base level pocket money and 1 easy and quick daily chore each. Further money can be earned by extra jobs in the week.

Grounding has always seemed really odd to me, both as a child and an adult. You want your DC to get exercise, fresh air and learn social skills. Home by a certain time and not going to particular events are reasonable, blanket grounding is pointless and miserable for all. If DC is not home by a certain time, the next time they want to go to do that specific thing, it is likely to be refused.

In my experience, step parents always think you are being too soft, you're not. Likewise, I think you said your mum thought the same, but then revealed that she used to slap you round the face!