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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My teenagers are awful people

44 replies

Pebstk · 23/01/2023 20:56

I am so depressed posting this but my three elder teenagers have grown up to be awful. They are selfish, lack empathy, lazy, rude, spoilt and downright awful. They say and do vile thing. The boys are likely to amount to nothing in terms of education or career. I have tried everything to help and support them and to be honest I wish I was dead or could run away as it is so awful. I have wasted my whole adult life on them and they have nowhere to go and I won’t make them homeless as would feel too guilty. I am getting progressively more and more depressed. My husband is useless and doesn’t bother. Was ok when they were younger but now just opted out. Sorry just needed to share the hopelessness of it all.

OP posts:
maddy68 · 23/01/2023 21:00

I honestly could have written this post a few years ago. I was constantly in tears , stressed. Awful

They are in their 20s now. And delightful. Honestly. They are my best friends.

They do grow up. And it does get easier

If you feel you aren't coping involve school , also doctors for your stress and you need to have a word with your DH. You both need to be on the same page

Eastereggsboxedupready · 23/01/2023 21:04

I feel your pain op. I have dc of 19, 17, 16 and 14. A living hell atm.
Backing away and taking your skills with you helps. Haven't done laundry for 2 for a couple of years. If the chosen evening meal doesn't suit then it's self service. No lifts for bad attitude. No cash without earning it. WiFi changed with password given at your choosing... Get tough op.

chipswitheveryting · 23/01/2023 21:05

Bless, it's so hard to be a parent, and we take all their actions as a reflection of us.

It's not the case at all, I had one 'difficult' child and one which was heaven sent.

If I'd had the second one first, I would probably be one of those parents who thought that their parenting skills were amazing and I'd be tempted to judge and look down my nose at those whose kids were badly behaved.

I tried so hard with my first, much much harder than I did my second, I tried to do everything right. And they were just difficult and I often felt embarrassed of their behaviour.

Now the oldest is bigger, their brain is maturing and life is giving them the odd kick which they are responding to far more than they ever did to my guidance or advice.

Sometimes, just because you are their parent, it doesn't mean they copy you or do as you say or behave as you want. Kids are surrounded by family, friends, teachers, social media etc and they'll take from the external environment anything they want. The part you play gets smaller as they come of age and they make their own choices. Then life gives them a kick and hopefully they start responding and over time becoming more rounded.

Fingers crossed your kids brains mature quickly, and if they don't and they do end up being people with characteristics you don't like, it's not your fault, it's their choice, they have free will.

When they need you less, spend more time doing things you love with people you love and be there for them and you can't do any more than that x

chipswitheveryting · 23/01/2023 21:06

Eastereggsboxedupready · 23/01/2023 21:04

I feel your pain op. I have dc of 19, 17, 16 and 14. A living hell atm.
Backing away and taking your skills with you helps. Haven't done laundry for 2 for a couple of years. If the chosen evening meal doesn't suit then it's self service. No lifts for bad attitude. No cash without earning it. WiFi changed with password given at your choosing... Get tough op.

Fantastic ideas!!!

MovingToPlan · 23/01/2023 21:08

Commiserations, OP. My 18yo DS has announced that he doesn't want to work and is proudly signing on for UC instead. I am aghast, it goes against all my values, he has never even tried to get a job. Not for lack of me trying to encourage and help him!

dontlookgottalook · 23/01/2023 21:12

MovingToPlan · 23/01/2023 21:08

Commiserations, OP. My 18yo DS has announced that he doesn't want to work and is proudly signing on for UC instead. I am aghast, it goes against all my values, he has never even tried to get a job. Not for lack of me trying to encourage and help him!

A close friend of mine was proudly on the dole for years, until his mid-20s Id say. Then he grew up and matured and is now a primary school teacher! People grow up and change.

MovingToPlan · 23/01/2023 21:20

I do hope so.

ODFOx · 23/01/2023 21:24

Yup, they will hit their stride in early/mid 20s and become adults/reasonable people.
Until then you can only try and steady the ship but if they are arrogant pirates there is nothing you can do.
When it gets you down picture your child as Captain Jack Sparrow doing the famous run along my the pier and you will be able to laugh until the next battle.
Good luck.

Original poster
Pebstk · 23/01/2023 21:30

Thank you all for your kind words.

My oldest son (20) does work - a single positive really about him and he did manage to get his exams at school through basically me dragging him there and doing all homework’s. I can’t face that again with my 16 year old - just don’t have the energy or strength to do it again. Sadly my older son isn’t a nice person and has very limited empathy or kindness. He took lots of drugs as a teenager despite our endless efforts to stop him and I believe they have damaged him. My younger son I was quite positive about - was kinder, loving and no issues with drunk or drugs but last year his temper tantrums, rudeness and laziness are endless.

I used to be tough but have to given up lately because I couldnt cope with the constant rows and push back and I am so tired with working a demanding job and doing everything. I will try to up this again.

I feel they are a reflection on me - I see other families with lovely older children and wonder what I did wrong. It genuinely breaks my heart when I have tried very hard to give them everything I never had as a child. I loved both parents very much and cares about them - they couldn’t care less about me.

OP posts:
slowquickstep · 23/01/2023 21:55

Without being harsh, if they are lazy, rude, selfish spoiled brats it's because someone enables that behaviour. The best thing you can do for all of you is to take back control. Stand up, say no more and walk out the door for a month. You are not doing them any favours, you are telling your Son's that they can treat women like dirt. Kick your Husbands arse and turn him into a man not a mouse. Either stand up and stop it or lie down and take it. I know it is harsh but i think you are at the end of your rope, therefore there are only 2 choices. Good luck

converseandjeans · 23/01/2023 21:57

@Pebstk

It genuinely breaks my heart when I have tried very hard to give them everything I never had as a child. I loved both parents very much and cares about them - they couldn’t care less about me.

I think you have possibly been too nice & your DH seems to have opted out of it all.

Do you ever do anything together?

I moved out at 18 as I went to uni. I think kids in their 20s still at home isn't positive for either parent or child. I can see it's really expensive though for young people. Your eldest would be better off in a house share with mates.

chipswitheveryting · 23/01/2023 22:00

Pebstk · 23/01/2023 21:30

Thank you all for your kind words.

My oldest son (20) does work - a single positive really about him and he did manage to get his exams at school through basically me dragging him there and doing all homework’s. I can’t face that again with my 16 year old - just don’t have the energy or strength to do it again. Sadly my older son isn’t a nice person and has very limited empathy or kindness. He took lots of drugs as a teenager despite our endless efforts to stop him and I believe they have damaged him. My younger son I was quite positive about - was kinder, loving and no issues with drunk or drugs but last year his temper tantrums, rudeness and laziness are endless.

I used to be tough but have to given up lately because I couldnt cope with the constant rows and push back and I am so tired with working a demanding job and doing everything. I will try to up this again.

I feel they are a reflection on me - I see other families with lovely older children and wonder what I did wrong. It genuinely breaks my heart when I have tried very hard to give them everything I never had as a child. I loved both parents very much and cares about them - they couldn’t care less about me.

They have lots going on outside of the home. Coming home is their safe space where they can behave as they feel. If they've had an argument with a friend or just have low self esteem, they might be rude, selfish, have a tantrum etc.

I'm sure they'll develop over time into much better people over time.

You're a great parent, that much is very clear.

JoonT · 23/01/2023 22:13

If they were their 30s, I’d be worried for you. But they are still teenagers, and, frankly, a lot of teenagers repulsive. Though they sound like a pain, they could be a hell of a lot worse. A bit lazy, a bit selfish, lacking empathy?...that describes half the teenagers in Britain. At least they haven’t been sucked into a county lines drug gang, or committed a sexual assault, or done something truly unforgivable.

Almost certainly they will change. You sound like a good mother who has done her best. You have stood by them, loved them, and tried to instil a moral code. In the long run, that will have an effect. My brother was lazy and depressed in his teens. My mum did all his homework, dragged him to exams, etc. He now has two MAs, lives in house surrounded by books, and is one of the kindest, politest, most charming people you could meet. Kids who have been well brought up almost always grow into decent adults.

beachybed · 24/01/2023 15:20

I needed to read this today. Solidarity OP.

User8646382 · 27/01/2023 20:19

Pebstk · 23/01/2023 21:30

Thank you all for your kind words.

My oldest son (20) does work - a single positive really about him and he did manage to get his exams at school through basically me dragging him there and doing all homework’s. I can’t face that again with my 16 year old - just don’t have the energy or strength to do it again. Sadly my older son isn’t a nice person and has very limited empathy or kindness. He took lots of drugs as a teenager despite our endless efforts to stop him and I believe they have damaged him. My younger son I was quite positive about - was kinder, loving and no issues with drunk or drugs but last year his temper tantrums, rudeness and laziness are endless.

I used to be tough but have to given up lately because I couldnt cope with the constant rows and push back and I am so tired with working a demanding job and doing everything. I will try to up this again.

I feel they are a reflection on me - I see other families with lovely older children and wonder what I did wrong. It genuinely breaks my heart when I have tried very hard to give them everything I never had as a child. I loved both parents very much and cares about them - they couldn’t care less about me.

And that, right there, is the problem: you gave them everything that you never had. As did an entire generation of parents, myself among them, and what a bloody mess we’ve made of it.

We all thought we were doing the best thing by giving our kids everything we never had, where in fact we’ve created a generation of monsters.

Commiserations, OP. You are far from alone.

Donotgogentle · 30/01/2023 12:42

chipswitheveryting · 23/01/2023 21:05

Bless, it's so hard to be a parent, and we take all their actions as a reflection of us.

It's not the case at all, I had one 'difficult' child and one which was heaven sent.

If I'd had the second one first, I would probably be one of those parents who thought that their parenting skills were amazing and I'd be tempted to judge and look down my nose at those whose kids were badly behaved.

I tried so hard with my first, much much harder than I did my second, I tried to do everything right. And they were just difficult and I often felt embarrassed of their behaviour.

Now the oldest is bigger, their brain is maturing and life is giving them the odd kick which they are responding to far more than they ever did to my guidance or advice.

Sometimes, just because you are their parent, it doesn't mean they copy you or do as you say or behave as you want. Kids are surrounded by family, friends, teachers, social media etc and they'll take from the external environment anything they want. The part you play gets smaller as they come of age and they make their own choices. Then life gives them a kick and hopefully they start responding and over time becoming more rounded.

Fingers crossed your kids brains mature quickly, and if they don't and they do end up being people with characteristics you don't like, it's not your fault, it's their choice, they have free will.

When they need you less, spend more time doing things you love with people you love and be there for them and you can't do any more than that x

This is really helpful, thanks.

Hoppinggreen · 30/01/2023 12:45

oh bless you, sounds very hard.
Seems you have spoiled them while your H ignored them, not a great combination but they are still young and teen boys can be challenging at the best of times.
Time to make them stand in their own 2 feet a bit I think

mirabella17 · 30/01/2023 17:23

JoonT · 23/01/2023 22:13

If they were their 30s, I’d be worried for you. But they are still teenagers, and, frankly, a lot of teenagers repulsive. Though they sound like a pain, they could be a hell of a lot worse. A bit lazy, a bit selfish, lacking empathy?...that describes half the teenagers in Britain. At least they haven’t been sucked into a county lines drug gang, or committed a sexual assault, or done something truly unforgivable.

Almost certainly they will change. You sound like a good mother who has done her best. You have stood by them, loved them, and tried to instil a moral code. In the long run, that will have an effect. My brother was lazy and depressed in his teens. My mum did all his homework, dragged him to exams, etc. He now has two MAs, lives in house surrounded by books, and is one of the kindest, politest, most charming people you could meet. Kids who have been well brought up almost always grow into decent adults.

This is one of the most helpful posts I have read on Mumsnet, thank you!

WLAH · 30/01/2023 21:48

beachybed · 24/01/2023 15:20

I needed to read this today. Solidarity OP.

And me. Its been a rough few days with teen

lemonbabe · 30/01/2023 22:23

Pebstk -I empathise fully. I have a girl 16, boy 17, stepdaughter 16 and stepson 18….. awful to admit but some days I feel my life isn’t worth living. Teenagers are thé gift that keeps taking. Me saying that !!! The most maternal, mother hen ever. Well believe me, I am looking forward to that day when they go off to university, the dole centre or bloody prison !!!! It DOES get better but the energy it demands, the frustration, the despair can send you fruit & nutty.
Let them do as much (if not every flippin thing for themselves) -that works well. Tough love -keep drilling them, they'll get it around the 152nd time! And yes, put yourself back in the limelight and start pleasing yourself some of the time don't be their slave -be unavailable.
I call it 'the natural evolution'; they do your head in to such an extent that when the time comes for them to leave the nest, instead of turning into a blubbering wreck you'll be doing cartwheels up the road!!

Original poster
Pebstk · 31/01/2023 08:28

It has helped to read all these posts. I did write it a low ebb and I feel stronger and have given them a bit of push back over last few weeks.

OP posts:
Treetrim · 31/01/2023 15:41

Solidarity OP from a mother who cried in her office because of yet another show down with her DD

losenotloose · 01/02/2023 14:09

So glad to find this thread today! I've been off work with flu for the last couple of days and today having the 14 and 16 year old at home has pushed me over the edge. I've ended up in tears and had to go for a walk. Good to hear I'm not alone

Eastereggsboxedupready · 01/02/2023 14:19

Please don't underestimate how negative these awful teens may be feeling. A year ago totally out of the blue dd disclosed to school she felt suicidal. I found a book in her room. Self loathing and details of her self harm.
Absolutely
No
Idea.
2 suicide attempts later - vast amount of pills - dd has returned a corner in how she feels and her behaviour and attitude..
So please double check you aren't missing something..
If your teens are just shits then as you were people...

Treetrim · 02/02/2023 10:12

@Eastereggsboxedupready This is always at the back of my head with my low confidence DD. She’s very difficult but I know there is a lot underneath. It’s hard to balance isn’t it