My teenagers are awful people

[Pebstk]

I am so depressed posting this but my three elder teenagers have grown up to be awful. They are selfish, lack empathy, lazy, rude, spoilt and downright awful. They say and do vile thing. The boys are likely to amount to nothing in terms of education or career. I have tried everything to help and support them and to be honest I wish I was dead or could run away as it is so awful. I have wasted my whole adult life on them and they have nowhere to go and I won’t make them homeless as would feel too guilty. I am getting progressively more and more depressed. My husband is useless and doesn’t bother. Was ok when they were younger but now just opted out. Sorry just needed to share the hopelessness of it all.

I have two teen sons also 14 and 17. I have a couple of things which have helped me recently.

Firstly try not to take it personally / see it as a reflection of you etc. This just created more emotional stress for you. Try and emotionally distance yourself a bit. Time to focus on you a bit more.

Secondly I lowered my expectations on some ways. If they are doing something constructive for themselves that is good. Such as a course / job.
But it is their job to sort that out.

Taking responsibility for their actions can mean they need to fail first, e.g. if they have no money it can encourage them to work. Doing a terrible job can be a wake up call to start training. For example.

The more you support / nag etc the more they could rely on that and be less independent. It could also as you mention result in battles.

It's a tricky time, hopefully with time things will improve.

Just remember lots of teenagers are dicks, but they usually grow out of it.

my dds seem to take turns being good company and fairly reasonable and being dicks. They can never be nice at the same time 😂

I know this thread is a few months old but it’s a good one for anyone having one of those moments, which I am right now with two teenage boys on holiday, one of whom has asd. This is the beauty of mumsnet: it stops so many of us feeling alone, failing and flailing. Thankyou!

Rumplestiltz just wanted to offer support -raising kids is never easy but when they reach their teens things sometimes get unbearable for all types of reasons…. I have 4 teens. Learn to detach even for half an hour, put things into perspective. Remember: this too shall pass. Learn to take quality time for yourself. Try not to she things personally. Teens are programmed to be selfish and I empathetic, they will eventually grow out of this. Then remember this: you are not alone ….. big hugs x

You are so right @lemonbabe and thank you for your kind words. We all need to hear this sometimes. As it goes had a really nice chat with one of the terrible Teens this afternoon. I accept now that during a day there will be terrible lows but also the occasional high. It’s very tough and hard not to take it personally. Sending strength to everyone in the same position.

Just offering solidarity. Teenagers are bloody hard work and I have found it THE most difficult stage of parenting - but sadly also the stage where there is the least support network available. Add in battling with menopausal symptoms, juggling demands of work, other DC and elderly parents. I often feel that the tank is empty. It really helps to hear everyone's experiences and know that we are not alone.

Just to add I wrote original post at a low ebb. Kids have been better last load of months and I’m feeling more positive about future.

God I hate these threads. This is how my mother used to describe me but really I was desperately depressed, all I needed was the same love and attention I got as a child but it was ripped away. A teenagers brain is far from fully developed, they are going through just as many big changes now as when they were a toddler and they would throw tantrum after tantrum, but you didn't label them as bad people then because you knew it was because their brain wasn't developed yet. The same is happening now, you don't need to back off you need to be more present than ever. Not with punishments but with OTT love, support and quality time. Prove to them that you're their constant, give them an emotional base and everything else will correct itself in time, as their brain develops to be able to process emotions and deal with them as an adult would. Also, teenagers aren't lazy, they are TIRED because of the rush of development happening in their brains and bodies.

Not entirely aimed at you Op

I get you but I managed to be a teenager and not be vile . My daughter has suffered with her mental health and I do as you describe a lot but it is exhausting, often everything is made to be my fault and done if her behaviour has been horrific. My sons particularly my younger son are as happy as Larry and loving their best life - not every rude teenager has a mental health issue. I love my kids and as I say I wrote original post at a very low ebb.

Well it's never possible to be the perfect parent, but I think it's impossible to make progress without knowing the science behind why they're acting that way. Reading sections of books about child brain development really opened my eyes. Good to know you're all coping better

@ladygagagoogoo that’s a lovely reply that really sums it up.
@fivelilducks what you say is correct but it’s very very difficult to be perfect all the time , sometimes you do just snap

I think it can really help, when dealing with difficult children- whatever is at the root of it- to make a real effort to consistently take time out for yourself.
Go out with friends, lunch/ coffee/ cinema... go to the gym or for a swim, do a hobby - whatever makes you happy.
If you take regular time out to do something you enjoy, it resources you to manage the difficult times.
Also, vent! Vent vent vent!
Vent amongst likeminded friends- and then move the conversation on to anything but your children!
When you feel more resourced, have a calm conversation with your family about expectations, chores and boundaries. You will no doubt need to do this many times

I needed this today thanks for bringing this thread back to life. Glad to hear your update op

@MovingToPlan Surely at some point he will want a car or some decent clothes or a hobby or even just to impress a girl. And he won't be able to do much on UC.

He'll work it out eventually. Don't give him any money or buy things for him.

I am so glad to find this post. Spent all evening crying in a hotel room abroad wondering why I bothered and where I went so wrong!

Sorry to hear that @onwardsandupwardsyetagain
I found this years holidays incredibly trying, it’s not all sunshine and roses

I’m sorry OP and I hear you. Som has just spent a weekend away with friends for a treat. He threatened to call the police and said we were abusing him for getting him to pack his own bag (with the freshly washed, ironed and name-tagged things I’d got out for him).
I am absolutely fucking done with this shit. No more laundry, cooking, cleaning - I will ensure he is fed and warm and educated but I cannot give anything more to such an ungrateful entitled brat. Sending hugs xx

He took lots of drugs as a teenager - er what is wrong with you? You are totally to blame for this - he is a child and you have 100% responsibility for this. He goes out takes drugs - you make sure he knows that you love him but if he sees himself as a man then he takes responsibility as a man. He decides he is a man then the police and social services are your option, he will then know how serious this is and make a choice. He will either be a man and take the consequences or he will be a boy and run back to you. His choice. Stop treating him like a child - he is acting like an adult so now he has to deal with the reality to see if he is up to it. Its how men learn.