My daughter says she doesn’t like me

[BlodynYGog]

My 15yo DD has told me several times in anger that she doesn’t like me but I’ve always assumed it’s the voice of teenage fury. Today, after a doozy of a row, she says she really doesn’t like me, doesn’t care about my problems (just lost my Dad, now carer for my Mum & working FT). She says at 18 she will wash her hands of me and in the mean time just wants to be left alone.
I’m stunned, bereft and quite angry. I’d never have spoken to my parents this way.

Wow. That is quite extreme
Sorry you lost your dad. Do you think she is also grieving and lashing out?

i know this might be a stupid and insulting question but has she said why she doesn't like you, i think she might be feeling the pressure of everything if you're taking care of your mum and working full time (obviously not your fault) maybe she is trying to make you pay more attention to her, plus with her grandad dying she's probably grieving aswell

Teenagers frequently don't like their parents but even so, that sounds extreme. Is there a backstory? Has she given a clue as to why she dislikes you?

She says she hasn’t liked me since she was 11, hates my husband, says I’ve dumped her to socialise (I can count on the fingers of one hand episodes when she’s seen me go out as I socialise when she’s at her dad’s), there’s a long list. Says she only cares about her dad.

I have a friend who is a psychologist and says she believes a lot of her behaviour is to get my attention.

I said that as a teenager. I love my mum now!

What is her relationship with her stepdad like? Is she lashing out at you because she doesn't get on with her stepdad?

Your friend might have a point.

Do you think that her attitude towards you might possibly be being influenced in some way by her bio dad? How old was she when the two of you split up?

I used to say things like that. I was just a very distressed teen, and it was a way of expressing that, and probably trying to get someone to notice.

Is she generally ok or is something up? Try to remember that teens can be really awful, she will probably come good.

It does sound like a kind of attention seeking. Do you ever get any one to one time with her, either at home or out?

I’d be suggesting she finds full time employment at 16 and she’s welcome to rent a room in the house. Like fuck would I be paying for driving lessons, financing a car/Uni and lord knows what else she might think happens inbetween now and eighteen.

Probably this.
Surely your mum won't want you to be her 'carer' and runaround and all that stress entails indefinitely in the prime of your life? It isn't what I'd want for my DC. Can't she buy in services to relieve you of a lot of it? After all, the rainy day is now here for her. What were her plans for coping as she aged? Is residential care needed?
Your own family must come first.

I haven't got much advice but i'm sorry to read this.
There is a large gap of 10 years+ between my sibling and I, when I was in my teens my mum lost her dad and looking back now, I see what a selfish teen I was to my mum when it happened, but so unaware at the time. 2 years ago my mum lost her mum & I saw as a bystander my younger sibling being worse if anything, telling my mum how hated she was & doing extremely reckless stuff. I'm sorry you're going through this, some teens have a lot of feelings & rage that they are working through & from my experience mums can receive the brunt of it. Look after yourself & sending you a big hug.

Does she only say this in arguments or is it evident at other times too?

One of DDs ex friends made it very clear she hated her parents. The atmosphere was so unpleasant when she was home that they told her she wasn’t welcome to move back home after university.

Has she got friendship issues at school?

Having seen lots of my friends divorce the impact on the kids cannot be underestimated even if they seem ok on the surface and it is amicable. It is the same with any life event. Teenagers are just toddlers in bigger bodies and just need to know that they are loved by their parents and that they come first. This can be really tricky if parents then have other relationships. I think you need to get to the bottom of where these feelings are coming from. Sometimes the teens need us more than when they were babies. Sending you lots of love as a fellow mum of teen girls xx

It sounds a lot like resentment to me.
Why was marrying your dh a priority if she really hated him?
Now he lives in her home
You are grieving and looking after Mum, it’s possible you are now emotionally unavailable t her as well?
Your dd has also lost her grandfather which can be very painful.
One way or another maybe she feels pushed out and is kicking back. Defending herself from the hurt. Most teens need a lot of input.
wait until she calms down - and speak to her op, be open to everything she says.
I wouldn’t worry about the words, I doubt she means it, I would be worried what was going on for her to cause such a backlash.

Looks like you’ve got yourself a standard issue teenager tbh, my mum said the same to her mum, I’ve said far worse to mine.

Let it roll off your back and know when she gets older it will be much better

She was 2. He hates his stepdad with a passion. Bizarrely that stepdad adores my daughter and vice versa

At this age and older I used to tell my mother I wished she was dead! mortified but I didn't mean it and I feel awful now ! She is lashing out !

I’ve been with my DH since she was 3. She’s ramped up her dislike of him in the last few years. They’ve never had a great relationship but now he resents her behaviour towards me (rude but needy) and their relationship is just a polite veneer. She also hates her dad’s gf.

No. She has good friends and a lovely bf

Your dh needs to pack his resentment away and be the adult.

Do you just let her say it?

I would, and have with mine, clap straight back. And fiercely. Because otherwise, imo, you are letting her be abusive to you. And there’s no reason for her to stop.

if told she’s cutting contact at 18, you could say “you expect me to love you and nurture you for 3 years whilst you have that plan? Well no, I won’t be doing that. We can just cut contact now and I’ll drive you to dad’s now - permanently”.

it really stops them in their tracks when they get it back in kind. One of mine (and I mean big teens, not tiny kids) started going on and on about how much more the other had (it was completely untrue). So I just said “well that’s because I love him more than you”. Should have seen the face! Neither of them say that crap to me anymore.

You’d like to think so. My Mum has carers twice a day. She leaves the house about once a month (she’s capable of it). I do her online shopping, banking, washing, emails, bills. I was overseas with work and she rang me repeatedly to complain her shopping hasn’t been delivered (she got the wrong day). I would never expect my DD to do this for me. So many issues around time management, resentment from my DD and me.
I’m tempted to run away to live in a cave with no phone signal. Or in a distillery.