Page 2 | My daughter says she doesn’t like me

BlodynYGog · 2023-01-20T18:05:59+00:00

My 15yo DD has told me several times in anger that she doesn’t like me but I’ve always assumed it’s the voice of teenage fury. Today, after a doozy of a row, she says she really doesn’t like me, doesn’t care about my problems (just lost my Dad, now carer for my Mum & working FT). She says at 18 she will wash her hands of me and in the mean time just wants to be left alone. I’m stunned, bereft and quite angry. I’d never have spoken to my parents this way.

MichelleScarn · 20/01/2023 19:06

How often and heavy is your caring role for your mum? Not a lot and she can outsource privately, or something that takes up every evening and weekend?)

Original poster

BlodynYGog · 20/01/2023 19:09

There is some outsourcing but she still is quite demanding about me doing stuff they could do. I am getting better at saying no before I’m crushed.

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 20/01/2023 19:10

Does your mum lack capacity then to manage the online tasks? If she claims attendance allowance this could be used to pay for a laundry and cleaning service?
Is she able to do stuff and just chooses not to?

Swissmountains · 20/01/2023 19:13

15 is a truly ghastly age.
I would reply that her words are so hurtful and walk away.

Leave a note on her bed that you love her but her words hurt you so much. Here always if something is wrong and causing her to be angry and sad.
Can your mother pay for more help? Someone that can do the shopping etc? It’s a lot dealing with teens, elderly parents etc.

UWhatNow · 20/01/2023 19:28

BlodynYGog · 20/01/2023 18:25

I have a friend who is a psychologist and says she believes a lot of her behaviour is to get my attention.

It could be this - or it could be that that she genuinely doesn’t like you! I didn’t like my mother when I was 15 because I was immature, not socially intelligent, had no empathy for her life and she was an authority figure who was old fashioned and I was embarrassed as other parents were more ‘cool’.

It doesn’t really matter that she doesn’t ‘like’ you - as long as you fulfil your role as a caring parent. One day she’ll grow up and appreciate that you’re a human being with flaws and vulnerabilities and you did your best for her.

Try not to take her teenage angst too personally. She is still a hurt, angry child with very little life experience. Take your own feelings out of the equation and listen and sympathise. Say you only want the best for her and ask how you can help facilitate her independent life.

Original poster

BlodynYGog · 20/01/2023 19:29

She has full MC but her memory is dreadful. I protested about doing all of her laundry so now I collect it, lug it to a launderette & return it - she gives me the money for this. She now has a cleaner too.

OP posts:

YukoandHiro · 20/01/2023 19:36

She's 15. Honestly try not to let it hurt you for now.
Do obviously sit her down tomorrow and say that you are deeply hurt by what she's said and disappointed and pained that she feels this way but also that you respect her feelings and acknowledge them. Leave it at that.
If she still behaves this way at 20 suggest family therapy. I would put all my savings in the fact that she won't. At about 20 I took my mum out for coffee and apologised for what an absolute cunt I had been between 13 and 16. I was hormonal and looking for a reaction.

Mirabai · 20/01/2023 19:37

Teen hatez parents shocker. She’ll be fine by her 20s.

Just don’t take it too seriously or get too invested.

If she says she’s never speaking to you again after she’s 18, just say “Alright, see ya”.

larchforest · 20/01/2023 22:35

BlodynYGog · 20/01/2023 19:29

She has full MC but her memory is dreadful. I protested about doing all of her laundry so now I collect it, lug it to a launderette & return it - she gives me the money for this. She now has a cleaner too.

MIL has carers coming in, and also a cleaner. Between them they do her laundry, and we only have to sort things out occasionally. I would suggest that your mum arranges for her cleaner to do her laundry, and pays them extra. There may also come a time when she starts to need carers more often.

Do you have siblings, or anyone else to share the responsibility of this burden? DH and BIL do most of it including POA etc, but we live the closest, and it really does affect our lives a lot.

The mental load is exhausting, I know, and it must be having a negative impact on you and family life. Your dd needs you more than your mum does right now.

Sucessinthenewyear · 20/01/2023 22:38

BlodynYGog · 20/01/2023 18:25

I have a friend who is a psychologist and says she believes a lot of her behaviour is to get my attention.

What have you done to try and give her more positive attention?

Coyoacan · 20/01/2023 22:59

Sorry, if I'm mistaken, but do you talk to her about your problems? I know that my older siblings complained about our mother telling them her problems

lailamaria · 21/01/2023 01:29

well it's not up to your husband to 'resent' her or whatever you're her parent, obviously something is going on, is your husband harsh with her?

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/01/2023 01:47

So your H has never had a good relationship with her? Since she was three?

Did he ever try to be a positive presence in her life? Because it was his job to try.

shimmerbubbles · 21/01/2023 02:13

Anger is Sad's bodyguard.

From a different point of view, maybe she lashes out at you because you're actually her safe place - the only place she can let it all out. Maybe she knows that even if she directs all the sadness and anger she feels at the world towards you, you'll still love her and be there for her.

Not saying it's ok or that you should accept her behaviour, just offering another perspective.

007DoubleOSeven · 21/01/2023 02:19

You're going through an awful lot, op and just want to send you some good thoughts. Sounds like you're going through hell, really. Caring for an ungrateful /demanding/forgetful/all 3 parent is a huge strain. Coupled with your bereavement and then all the strains at home. Who is supporting you right now? X

pinkpotatoez · 21/01/2023 02:23

She probably just doesn't like you at the minute, it's common for mother and daughter to rub each other the wrong way at this age. It does sound like she has deep rooted anger. Is she the only child between you and her dad by any chance and have you both gone on to have a family with her step parents? Maybe she feels like she doesn't 'belong' in either family if this is the case?

binglebangle567 · 21/01/2023 03:35

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Getinajollymood · 21/01/2023 04:02

A really important but horrible developmental phase in teens is pushing you away.

They have to, because that bond between parent and child is so, so powerful and strong. Without this phase, they’d never leave. It’s the start of hormones saying ‘time to go now.’ Suddenly a beloved parent (especially the mother) becomes embarrassing and worthy of hate.

She doesn’t dislike you. She might think she does because she needs independence and freedom and to get that and be successful on her own, she has to be separate from you. And to be separate and find out who you are, you need to establish who you aren’t, so your teen is definitely not like you, they don’t even like you, they won’t make the mistakes that you did.

I don’t want to minimise your pain but I think it is unlikely to be anything awful you did. She’s finding her own way. In a few years she will come back to you (emotionally I mean) when the relationship is redefined as friends rather than parent and child.

Liorae · 21/01/2023 04:20

She says at 18 she will wash her hands of me and in the mean time just wants to be left alone.
So give her what she wants.
No more cooking for her, laundry, lifts, nothing. See how long it takes her to apologize and get a more mature attitude.

MiddleParking · 21/01/2023 04:29

BlodynYGog · 20/01/2023 18:59

I’ve been with my DH since she was 3. She’s ramped up her dislike of him in the last few years. They’ve never had a great relationship but now he resents her behaviour towards me (rude but needy) and their relationship is just a polite veneer. She also hates her dad’s gf.

How does one even form a not-great relationship with a three year old? And if they’ve never had a great relationship why did you marry him?

Whattheladybird · 21/01/2023 04:30

So you’ve been with (how long have you lived with?) someone since she was 3 that she doesn’t like and it sounds like doesn’t like her back? So since she was 3 she’s not felt important enough to you? It’s hard enough being a teenager living with people you love, and love you back, never mind those who don’t like you very much.

Possibly this is normal 15 year old “I hate you”. Possibly it’s 12 years of feeling second (and, since other responsibilities have come in) third, fourth best.

good luck, it sounds really hard for all of you.

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 21/01/2023 09:02

Aw that sounds tough OP, and hard to hear.

Just from the OP it sounds, possibly, that your DD never felt she came first for you. That her needs were met only after everyone else was looked after (step dad, elderly parents)

As a parent of teens, I think it is surprising how much they still need their parents age 15-18. My youngest DS had a period of being jealous of how much we loved the puppy .... did not see that one coming!

I always tried to make sure my teens knew I like spending time with them, and I drop things for them, as they are important.

It surprised me how much attention they still needed.... (until they are off to Uni/work when everything changes)

binglebangle567 · 21/01/2023 16:35

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Bonheurdupasse · 21/01/2023 19:03

Liorae · 21/01/2023 04:20

She says at 18 she will wash her hands of me and in the mean time just wants to be left alone.
So give her what she wants.
No more cooking for her, laundry, lifts, nothing. See how long it takes her to apologize and get a more mature attitude.

This OP.
At least in the short term.

musingsinmidlife · 21/01/2023 19:13

I felt the same way as your daughter did as a teen. My parents never understood what I was upset about or why I didn't want to be around them and why I wanted out. In their minds, they had given me a good chidlhood and home.

I spent every minute I could away from the house and pretty much lived at a friend's place until I could move out at 18. As an adult, I realized that the issues I had with my mother were valid issues however what changed was a deeper understanding of her as a person and all the complexities and imperfections of being human. We formed a relationship when I was in my 20s (after she apologized for whatever she had done) and while we aren't emotionally close in that we don't share our feelings and thoughts, we get along well and see each other often and have shared hobbies.