DD always ill / refusing to go to school

[Swishy85]

The title says it all really. I'm just at a total loss. DD is 13 and I just don't know how to deal with her anymore.
Getting her to go to school just seems like a constant battle. She constantly says she feels unwell (stomach pain, nausea, headaches, body aches etc) and the arguing to try and get her to go to school is exhausting in itself. The days she does go in she goes absolutely fine, gets herself up, dressed and ready no issue at all, then the days she doesn't just start with an absolute refusal to even move in bed. I've tried being nice about it, I've tried the screaming and shouting approach, I've tried talking to her to see if there is something going on at school (and I've no doubt she wouldn't really tell me if there was as she's a 13 year old) I'm just exhausted. It's having a knock on effect with everything else, my realtionship with DD, my job, my health, my sanity, my relationship with my partner. I just do not know what I'm meant to do. Any helpful advice? Or is this just how it's going to be?

I suspect she is not physically unwell, but if she says she is, have you taken her to the GP? What did school suggest when you spoke to them? This is more likely to be a pastoral issue.

@MyBloodyMaryneedsmoreTabasco I'm fully with you in the she isn't physically unwell camp. We've been to the gp a couple of times when she has been unwell but that is when she has had throat/chest infection and needed treatment.
School as yet haven't really said much, but at the same time trying to get this child to talk about things is worse than blood from a stone. There was an issue with another student a few months back and she just stonewalled completely and wouldn't say a single word. I know it's worth talking to school again I'm just not sure who!

There is a (private) FaceBook group you could ask to join. It's called Not Fine In School: Family Support.
It is for families who have huge and ongoing problems with getting their children to school ( or to participate in other areas of life). Now i'm not saying for a moment that you are going to have huge and ongoing problems with DD.... Im just saying it's a group where there are parents who have a lot of experience in this area- and they might have some good advice for you, to set in place at the earliest opportunity, before this becomes a bigger issue.

Talk to her. Tell her you don't think it's physical, but if she thinks it is your'll make a GP appointment for her. Ask her if she thinks it's anxiety. You could try and arrange some counselling for her. Tell her that whatever it is it has to be resolved.
Talk to her HoY.

I have multiple autoimmune issues and it was around when I was 13/14 that I started to feel unwell - just generally having days of feeling rotten, non specific things like fatigue, stomach aches etc. My Mum was quite unsympathetic and basically thought I was faking it but I did genuinely just feel really unwell. I’d often sleep till 2pm at the weekend and everyone would laugh and say how lazy I was. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, Addisons, lupus, sjorgens, asthma and pituitary issues around 21 but I think it had all been brewing long before that and I really had to push for a diagnosis as an adult and to be taken seriously. I’m not saying that’s definitely what’s happening here but I wouldn’t dismiss it - take her to the GP and push for autoimmune blood tests.

Thanks for the responses. I have tried to talk to her multiple times but no matter how I approach the issue all I get it 'well I can't help it if I don't feel well'. She just doesn't open up to anyone about anything.
I just rang the school to say she wouldn't be in again and asked who I can speak to as it's getting out of hand and I don't know what to do anymore. Year head I think is going to call me back.
I'm literally just sat sobbing and retching because I just feel so awful about everything it's making me feel physically sick. What kind of parent am I if I can't even get my kid to school.

@Xrays I think I'm going to try and talk to the gp and see if there is anything we can do, whether they can look into it in case there is something physically going on.
I do remember being that age and I was very much the same, but I know in my case it was down to mental health and it showed up physically. I'm scared this is the same for her and I can't help.

You’re not alone. It isn’t a personal failing. I am having similar battles with my son aged 10 who is in specialist school and basically hates school, whatever school it is, he’s been at a new one I’ve battled to move him to since September and it’s a lovely, caring school but he’s now started refusing to go again and crying and I feel so awful about it all. I’ve been speaking to the teachers etc. I’m so worn down with it all. 😩 Anyway, I’m venting but that’s just my attempt to say you’re definitely not alone and you sound like a lovely mum who is doing your best.

@Xrays thanks I really do appreciate it. It just feels like a never ending battle. Which isn't helped by my own struggles and poor health, and ongoing problems with her dad (she hasn't seen him for a couple of months now by her own choice but he is still giving me his 10 cents worth about her being off school etc) I just feel like I'm just failing so hard all the damn time.

Could it be an issue with being bullied or mistreated in school by another pupil or a teacher. I had this issue with a teacher when I was 9/10 and used to fake sickness regularly to try and stay home. Back then (about 40 years ago) children didn't get the same support they do now and kids were always wrong no matter what. As a result of this I never told my parents - it was only when I left school that my mam and I bumped into this teacher and we were chatting to her for a few minutes and when we walked away I said something like "fucking bitch" and I told her everything then. At this stage I was about 18 or so.

I have identical issues with my dd10 she's autistic and hates school. Every morning is a huge battle to get her to even wake up let alone anything else. She has to be chivvied along to eat her breakfast etc. I end up getting her dressed as she refuses and as a solid girl it's very hard especially when she lashes out. I have to walk on eggshells and try the softly softly approach which doesn't work when we're running late for school and work so I invariably end up losing my patience. It's so hard, I don't know what the answer is apart from home schooling which I can't do as a working, single mum.

We had the same issue with DD (ASD, ADHD) and I stopped home being a battle ground - I said I would never force DD into school and that mental health was more important. I told the school every single time that it was school refusal, which meant that it was correctly logged and they started to offer support. In the meantime I made DD stick broadly to a school timetable at home, even if just watching Oak Academy videos and doing maths online.

Ultimately DD was not a good fit for mainstream high school and now loves online schooling.

Don't beat yourself up about this - you aren't alone.

Big hugs as I went through the same with my DD when she was 14/15. It's extremely difficult and so many of my friends/family were of the opinion "just make her, you're being too soft" which was no help at all, other than to make me feel like shit. You can't exactly force a teenager into clothes and fling them in the car can you. I remember my alarm going off and feeling this knot of anxiety in my stomach thinking .... how will she be today? Will she go in. DH was useless, just went off to work without a care in the world, it def affected our relationship.

DD did grow out of it and managed to get a good set of GCSEs despite missing so much school. She thrived when she left, school just doesn't suit some kids.

She's 21 now and still can't really articulate what it was that made her feel like that.

@cstaff I don't think the issue is with a teacher she is very upfront about her dislike of some of her teachers but that seems very much in the normal realm of I'm a teenager and I don't like that they are trying to make me do work. I have however spoken to school about it and am waiting for someone to call me back to see if we can make some kind of plan to help.
I think the biggest issue is that I'm taking it so personally, my brain is seeing it as a total failing on my part and no one elses. But the added anxiety I get from the judgement I feel from her dad and that it's obviously causing issues for me at work is just making everything so much harder to manage.

School refusal, or avoiding by feeling ill is so,so common in the neurodivergent community.
In our case (autistic DC) the anxiety around school first manifested itself with genuine stomach aches, headaches and so on without any 'physical' cause at all.
I'm NOT saying this is the cause for your DD, just that school avoidance is so often brushed off as a child just being a difficult teen. Sometimes they are but most often not entirely! You're right to get the ball rolling with some support from school if you suspect anxiety is the cause. Sadly not all schools are very helpful but it's best to get it on record now - and speak to GP.

You mention your DD doesn't want to see her dad. Have you got to the bottom of that?

My DD is the same but was assessed as being autistic last year. Her mainstream secondary school has a breakfast club for children needing more support. It sounds counter intuitive but going in half hour earlier than all other the kids having a quiet snack & chatting to the lovely TA who runs it really helps that physical transition into school. She also gets let out 5mins before the main bell so avoids the gate crush at the end of the day. Plus has an extra break every day in SENCO rooms to read, play cards just quiet time away from class to reset. There are several low cost “reasonable adjustments” a good school can do to help kids that need more support. Joining the group ‘Not fine in school’ will give you support & May help with the words you need to help ask for more support. It’s not You it’s an education system where one side does not fit all!

I think this needs a multi pronged approach. She is right that she can’t help it if she’s not well - but then she should be resting in bed doing quiet activities like reading and sleeping, and visiting the doctor persistently for investigation. It also needs to be communicated clearly through school. Take her in the next day and explain the whole situation - make it clear you need support to support her.

I would presume though, if her dad is judging you, that he’s offered to take over and show you how it’s done? Presumably he’s got some great parenting skills that would solve this, otherwise he couldn’t possibly judge you? If not, ignore him. Easy to judge from a mile away.

I sympathise, my daughter decided school was optional after lockdown, it was a nightmare. Nothing helped but if it's any consolation, I only received support, never judgement.

@Kanaloa she used to spend 50% of her time at his house and 'never had a day off when she was here' however last summer made the decision not to stay there anymore, which very much opened its own can of worms.
Believe me if I could tell him to take over I would, but it's all very complicated. I wish I could ignore him, or anyone for that matter, unfortunately my brain doesn't work that way. I know I need to not be so sensitive to things but it's really fucking hard!

Oh, also my daughter has left school now and is like a different girl, gets up at the crack of dawn for work. I know that doesn't help you now but in times of stress, I personally have a tendency to panic about the future.

@AllOfThemWitches actually it really does help, my anxiety isn't just linked to what's happening now, it regularly takes me down a huge spiral of what is going to happen long term!

I was like this throughout senior school, turns out I had a genetic disease and an autoimmune disorder that wasn't diagnosed till my 30s.
I'm not saying she's making it up but I'm saying she could actually be unwell and just not diagonsed.

How much school is she missing?

Some every week or month?
what does she do when she stays home?