DD always ill / refusing to go to school

[Swishy85]

The title says it all really. I'm just at a total loss. DD is 13 and I just don't know how to deal with her anymore.
Getting her to go to school just seems like a constant battle. She constantly says she feels unwell (stomach pain, nausea, headaches, body aches etc) and the arguing to try and get her to go to school is exhausting in itself. The days she does go in she goes absolutely fine, gets herself up, dressed and ready no issue at all, then the days she doesn't just start with an absolute refusal to even move in bed. I've tried being nice about it, I've tried the screaming and shouting approach, I've tried talking to her to see if there is something going on at school (and I've no doubt she wouldn't really tell me if there was as she's a 13 year old) I'm just exhausted. It's having a knock on effect with everything else, my realtionship with DD, my job, my health, my sanity, my relationship with my partner. I just do not know what I'm meant to do. Any helpful advice? Or is this just how it's going to be?

@Itisbetter it's a day (sometimes 2) most weeks. She isn't really doing anything when she is off, sleeping mostly. After I gave up the battle after 90 odd minutes this morning she went back to sleep and has been fast off since. She isn't staying up unnecessarily late either, lights and TV were off by 10pm last night and she was asleep.

Have you spoken to the SENCO?

If DD can’t attend school full time the LA should be providing alternative provision as well to ensure DD receives a suitable full time education, so push for this.

Op if she sleeps all day and goes to bed at a normal time, maybe you should get her bloods checked. Maybe she’s anaemic and really tired? You can feel really poorly with anaemia

Approach it as her problem you are trying to help her with. Get a calendar on the fridge and colour in all the days she’s missed. Washi tape or new highlighters and get her to do it with you. Explain that you’re worried about how tired she is and how often she’s getting ill. Decide to get her that she needs a bit more cosseting and to take more care of herself. Give her an opportunity to tell you about what makes her tired and what helps. I would suggest vitamins and fresh fruit smoothies usually appeal to teens. Up her exercise so she sleeps better and set her alarm for the same time everyday. If she needs two days in bed a week then I would say an earlier bedtime would help. If she misses a day off in the week then bed at nine for a week will gain her an extra 7 hours of sleep so the next week she doesn’t need those down days. Rinse and repeat.
start teaching her to be aware of what her body needs to function.

How awful for you OP and stressful for your DD as well.
Please go and see a doctor to exclude any issues.
I don't wish to assume a bad scenario, but I know of 2 different who started missing school a lot around the same age 11-13. It took a very, very long time for one to be diagnosed with some sort of mystery immune disorder / I never quite understood what it was, and the other one had some serious post viral condition. They were absolutely shattered, tired, headaches all sorts of symptoms on and off.
She is clearly bothered or overwhelmed by something at school or health wise, it doesn't sound like sheer laziness.

this really feels like it could be health related just because it's not every day doesn't mean that she's deliberately lying to get out of school, if you do go the gp route you have to be an advocate for her, it took me 10 years to get diagnosed with a joint problem and it's only because my mum refused to be brushed off that i even got diagnosed at all. especially because she's a teenage girl and they get labelled for being 'overdramatic' when it comes to pain

@Itisbetter i really think the earlier bedtime will just feel like a punishment to her and will push her away even more or god forbid she sees it as a punishment and then doesn't tell op the next time she feels rubbish, plus if it is a chronic illness that's not how it works it just will turn into a vicious resentment cycle

@lailamaria i expect it depends on the child. That’s what I would do.

Thanks everyone. I'm definitely feeling a bit calmer after a few hours chilling out, joined the fb group that was suggested too, though could have done without the migraine it triggered 🤢 Definitely going to try and speak to the gp and see what school says when they contact me too. I think when it happens like this I just feel so overwhelmed and put it all on myself (which I do with any kind of event around me) she is up and about now so I'm going to have a chat with her in a bit and see what's what, get a good description of what she has been feeling like in the morning etc.

What a worry. Definitely get some bloods done. Someone here may be able to answer; how easily is ME or post-viral picked up?

Friends DD was incredibly similar albeit 3 years older and after diagnosis school were brilliant working with her to manage her workload. It was a massive worry not knowing what was wrong, but then almost a relief to know what it was so they had something to grab hold of and put things in place.

Whatever it turns out to be, you have time to get ontop of it before her GCSE's (if you are in the UK). Did her HofY or school manager get in contact?

Has long-Covid been a thought?

In the meantime please look after your own well-being.

I sympathise, I’m in the same situation with my son, coincidently also 13, some days he’s absolutely fine, even ready early, others we go through the whole drama. Yesterday I had to call the school and tell them he had locked himself in the bathroom. It’s always stomach aches he complains of.
He insists there’s nothing wrong at school and completely denies any anxiety. We’ve had bloods and stool sample done by the GP, came back low iron, waiting for the other results.
The school have offered counselling and art therapy but he’s not interested and when I’ve requested to speak to them more about support for him they haven’t called back. Ironically, they say they can’t force him to go to these classes but the attendance officer somehow expects me to force him into school, implies I’m too soft and other parents ‘make it happen’.

Make her go to the GP every time she says it. There's either a significant issue that needs sorting, or the GP will help to unearth the mental health issue at the root of it. Or - most likely - she will stop refusing school.

I agree you need to note her symptoms and get her to a GP for blood tests and so on. It could be a vitamin deficiency. It could be iron deficiency. It could be her thyroid, or an auto-immune condition. It could be post-viral fatigue.

Post-viral fatigue is what my DD got at age 12 and it manifested very similar to what is going on with your DD. Tons of fatigue, sleeping over 12hrs a day, brain fog and inability to concentrate, falling asleep in school, not being able to focus and follow school lectures, conversations or even TV shows, blurry vision, all over body aches, etc.

They ran all the tests on her (including psychiatric assessment to see if depression/anxiety) to come to the above diagnosis which then by age 14 was upgraded to CFS/ME which put her in a wheelchair and for a year after GCSEs she was fully bedbound (during pandemic) and dropped school for a year. She then turned a corner and has been gradually getting better. She is now 18, turning 19. and goes to YR13 of sixth form with 50% attendance, the rest remote working on a modified schedule due to the CFS/ME. She’s now out of a wheelchair and getting around on foot and can walk a bit, but has a lift pass as she can’t manage the stairs at school. It took her four years to decline to the worst, so I’m hoping that around 21 she will be closer to full remission.

I guess I’m saying listen to your DD she may not know what is wrong with her, but she’s telling you something is wrong. If she’s never been a lazy child, no reason to assume she has turned into one.