Teenage son - social anxiety - school holiday abroad

[WhatsTheStoryThisTime]

DS, almost 15 is quiet and little reserved ( he was always quiet but lockdown seemed to have intensified this) . He has a group of friends from school and is by no means a loner but finds it difficult to approach people and tends to want to fade into the background. If I had a pound for every teacher that says ‘he’s really quiet’ at every parents evening since bloody nursery, I would be a rich lady!

Last year, his school advertised a 9 day (expensive) ski trip for this February half term, which he signed himself up for and we paid it off in chunks throughout the year. None of his close friends were going but, in his words ‘he knew people’ and ‘would be ok’ and ‘the holiday looks great’
Today, the school took the group to an indoor ski centre for some lessons and DS has come home refusing to now attend the holiday.

Everyone was ‘too loud’ on the coach and none of his close friends are there. I’ve explained that the school will be unable to refund this and he would miss out on a good opportunity. I’ve told him he should approach his teacher about it if he feels so strongly about not attending.He then said ‘I’ll just go then’ with tears in his eyes 😢.
Other than having a word with the teacher and talking through his concerns, I have no idea what to do. If he does attend, I don’t want it to be 9 days of misery (for us both!)

Any tips please?

I think I would be very upset having paid for the trip, but I wouldn’t force him to go. My daughter is very much like this and it’s hard as you want them to step out of their comfort zone and have experiences that could be enjoyable and grow in confidence but they just don’t want to. I think I would really worry about him being so far from home and utterly miserable. I know that others will disagree.

Maybe think of ways of managing the situation. I get this in noisy places, not because I'm quiet but I find lots of noise uncomfortable. If he finds coaches 'too loud', noise cancelling headphones..he can either listen to music or just use to reduce the noise.

Oh, also, when I was 14, I went on a school trip to Austria, I didn't have friends full stop at that point but ended up becoming friends with a girl and 2 lads. We all buddied up. I also used my Walkman, Yes, I'm that old, to block the noise on the coach. I found photos of the trip not long ago in a box. Memories flooded back.

yes to headband headphones to dtown out the noise whilst travelling.

he probably will be fine and it might be good for him to make new experiences and new friends.

tbh after paying so much money I would not let him get off, unless it's posible to get a refund or 'sell' the space to someone else.

Thank you for your responses. I really want him to go, I think it will ‘make or break’ him but I obviously have huge concerns about breaking him!
I think I should have a quiet word with the teacher who is in charge of the trip and then hopefully talk him round.
I think the noisy bus is a bit of an excuse, I think he’s reflected on the pre-trip and feels a bit socially awkward.
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Has he skied before? Skiing is hard as a beginner and it might be that which is putting him off. Hopefully he will be going straight into a lesson group.

How did the actual ski lesson go? Did he struggle with the skiing? Is the comment more how he felt about that?

Alternatively could you find another child going on the trip and try to buddy up with the parent? (I know this is hard at secondary) - get the kids together a couple of times first.

In the first instance see if you can chat with the teacher.

Similar DC who is facing a school trip in Feb.
Some of the things the school has set up for her

• no issues on access to device, and we'll be making sure she has overseas data. Also books etc but who are we kidding!!
• access to a quite space especially during the evenings when she needs to wind down. This isn't just for her, but there is an understanding that the kids who go here won't be forced into the main evening activity, although they will do smaller scale stuff so its not just an excuse to hid behind a screen
• full breakdown of activity so she knows whats happening and when. The teacher used her own notes as opposed to the presentation normally given to the students. Her trip is not skiing but we've arranged for her to get a few practise runs in on one of the activities that was stressing her out. Is he worried he won't be good at skiing, if so can you arrange a few trial runs/lessons at the indoor centre
• discussion on teams and groupings especially who to share a bedroom with. One of the areas my DC was most thrown by was the bedroom sharing with kids she didn't know well. Can anything be done by the school to get those kids together first. They were also very clear they wouldn't put her in with a gang of kids who knew each other as that would make her feel more isolated.

Can he articulate to you - or even to the teacher - any trigger points - food, sleep, ability, forced "fun"? That may make it easier to pick off the issues and come up with a solution.

Ultimately I've told my DC its non negotiable, they are going. Whilst initially not happy, she does admit its help to have that option taken away from her. She now can only focus on make it ok - or as she said 'not an absolute hell hole'. I take what I can get in terms of acceptance!

My son was like this and we had two similar situations. Both times I figured the money was already spent and so I didn't pressure him at all and said he didn't need to decide either way until just before the trip. The first one he backed out of but the second trip he went on and loved it. Looking back I think he made the right decision about both trips.

Could you have a few ski lessons as a family? That might build his confidence?

It absolutely will not break him. I’ve lost count of the number of overseas trips I’ve run/been involved in and every year we have at least two children in this position per trip. The chances are others feel exactly as he does, and came away feeling similarly nervous.

I would talk about why he wanted to go in the first place, and focus on all the things he wants to get out of it.

All of us feel awkward and uncomfortable doing things that take us into new environments - but doing them, seeing it went fine, and then feeling that success is what gives us confidence for next time.

If you cancel, you’re telling him you don’t believe he can do it - and long term that will do far more damage.

And if it is the skiing itself, paying for a few more lessons (and maybe asking if another person who he feels closest to who is going wants to come too?) would be a good idea.

Definitely contact the trip leader - they will have loads of experience and be able to give more specific advice.

Definitely ensure the teachers going are aware… they may or may not of spotted him feeling unsure of himself already but best to ask their advice. I’d say noise cancelling headphones for coach, ask school re evening down time and prep him for how to navigate them. Ensure he knows who he will be sharing room with etc It’s really hard but good on him for being brave initially… now needs to follow that through if at all possible.

Can you message into the parents WhatsApp group to establish who is going on the ski trip and then reach out to the other mums? I did that, and a group of 4 of us went for bowling/lunch with our DCs a couple days before the trip and it helped that they had a bond before the trip.

'getting out of their comfort zone' is the whole point of these trips.

it's good for dc to learn how to make the best of things.

I don't think it should be a quiet word with a teacher. Go to school, sit and explain in full to the staff who are arranging the trip. They might be able to put things in place so your sim knows who he will be sleeping with, and can start to build a relationship before they go. Sooner you do it the better.

I also went on a ski trip for 10 days at his age. I didn't have close friends, it ended up meeting one of my best mates on the trip as we shared a hotel room. It was an amazing experience.

I agree with a pp - some ski lessons prior might give him a bit of extra confidence too. On my trip, anyone who could even stay upright was seen as a bit special!

There is a lot of good content about skiing on YouTube.

Never before has my username seemed so apt!

Thank you all so much for your lovely replies. Some really good advice and perspective. I have emailed his Tutor requesting a call with the visit leader although I have not heard anything back yet.

We have had a heart to heart and a little dry today. He said he actually enjoyed the skiing but felt a bit vulnerable and overwhelmed on the bus. He feels a bit better today and said he now wants to go so we’ll just keep chatting through it and I expect some ups and downs.

Thank you all again. I’ll update for any others struggling with similar issues

He sounds as if he could be partly on the spectrum to me.

Social anxiety, too loud are both things that would set me thinking

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow its crossed my mind a few times. We had some issues when he was younger about certain textures, seams on socks and labels in clothes being irritating etc. I’m not sure what good a diagnosis/ label would do at this point but we’ve had a good chat about his confidence/anxiety today and things we can put in place to help re noise etc, so a step
forward at least.

The sensory thing says it even more.

My Dd has just been diagnosed at 16. We had all of this, but GCSE exams were the worst experience of my life

It’s obviously up to you, but a diagnosis helps you and school understand him, and he will receive help as part of the diagnosis.

After going through GCSE hell this summer l think you would be wise to get an assessment:

Your son is being so brave. I hope he enjoys it when he goes. (Make sure he knows that he doesn't have to enjoy 100% of everything while he is there. Some bits will be better than others. Noise cancelling headphones for the coach sound like a great idea).

Nobody is 'partly' on any spectrum.

OP whatever you do please don't make him go. People saying he will be fine/these trips are meant to be hard etc are not listening to the needs of your child. Anxiety is complex and these things can break them, or at least make things much worse. We would all love it if he could go and come back having had a fabulous time, but he will gain much more confidence from you giving him the power to change his mind that he will being forced to go.

Sorry I missed your update!!

Ignore me completely. I hope all goes well for your son.

@oudie

I know no one is ‘partly’ on the spectrum. I have a ND daughter. But some can function better than others. And his areas seem to be social anxiety and sensory issues which hint at some sort of ASD issue.

You said it, not me.