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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teens don't talk to each other at all

36 replies

MegBusset · 10/01/2023 22:22

DSes 13 (nearly 14) and 15 (nearly 16).

They are both lovely boys, doing well at school, no behaviour issues. Very different personalities (DS1 reserved and thoughtful, DS2 more outgoing and relaxed).

They were close when little. Went through an awful phase of bickering about 2/3 years ago when one could not say anything nice to the other - constant winding up,bickering, having to have the last word.

Now they don't fight, but they don't interact at all either - not a word spoken - apart from if asked to eg by me or DH to let the other know dinner is ready etc. They live separate lives, more like distant housemates than brothers - have their own rooms, friends, interests. It makes for a peaceful house but I worry that I ought to be challenging it somehow? Or just accept it as normal and maybe they will grow closer as adults, or that we haven't failed as parents if they're not close?

We do eat dinner as a family most nights, mostly at the weekends they are doing their own thing. They do come on walks with us sometimes in which case they will mooch along quietly or talk to me and DH. They are polite to each other. Just very distant 😞

OP posts:
frostyfours · 11/01/2023 14:09

No experience of parenting teens but I remember HATING both my older sister and younger brother growing up. We are now all over it and no longer try to kill each other with flying PlayStations, brooms, etc.

It's kind of why I stopped at one as I couldn't have coped with me and my siblings' fighting! It all worked out fine in the end.

Beamur · 11/01/2023 14:13

I don't think it's unusual.
My DSD and DSS barely spoke to each other. Went to the same school, DSS told his sister never to speak to him or his friends at school.
They're in their late 20's now and get on fine but never spend time together just the 2 of them. DSD and DD on the other hand are pretty close and quite often do things together. 12 year age gap too.

moomoogalicious · 11/01/2023 14:31

I have 2 teens and an adult dc aged 16-20 - they get on well but don't hang out together. I sometimes hear them chatting and laughing in the kitchen late at night.

MaverickGooseGoose · 11/01/2023 14:45

I think it's pretty normal TBH. My sibling and I hated each other growing up, we didn't really get on until I moved to the other side of the world.

Ponypitter · 11/01/2023 14:54

I think this sounds strange and sad. Have you asked either of them about it? I have a tricky relationship with my sibling but we only once had a period of not really interacting and that was because something quite serious had happened between us.

SingingSands · 11/01/2023 14:54

Do they message each other on Snapchat? Mine use that to communicate!

NetballHoop · 11/01/2023 14:59

This is normal behavious for the 4 DCs in the Hoop household. They do keep in touch via social media though. They are close in age and have often gone to the same parties just not together.

reluctantbrit · 11/01/2023 18:49

My friend has a 12 and 15 year old. According to her they don't interact unless forced to do so.

Both are lovely girls and we spend often time with the family and I can see how they just ignore each other.

Saying that, if one needs help the other will come forward.

AuroraForever · 11/01/2023 18:57

Not unusual at all. Mine played/bickered when younger but now they’re all older they’ve developed their own personalities, interests, friends etc and don’t really hang out together unless it’s a family gathering/event. They’re friendly, polite etc together but not all best buddies. I don’t think you can challenge it or try to force it to be honest.

mirabella84 · 11/01/2023 19:06

My ds is 17, dd15, and they are like your 2, they barely interact. They rarely argue but just have completely opposite personalities and completely different interests.

Occasionally they will bond over moaning about a teacher but that's about it!

They got on fine as kids, just been the past 3 years or so. It's sad really but agree with another poster, not much we can do about it.

Kazzyhoward · 11/01/2023 19:08

Just because they're siblings doesn't mean that they have anything in common.

My brother and I drifted apart during our teen years and so did OH and his sister. In my case, my Mother made a lot of "noise" about how we should be doing things together, etc., which probably made us worse. When we were in our 20s and living separate lives, she kept trying to "ambush" us, i.e. arranging meeting one of us and the other at the same time/place but not telling us, if I phoned her whilst he was there, she'd just put him on the phone, I could hear her say "Kazzy wants a word" when I hadn't said that at all, and there'd be this awkward silence.

BarbedButterfly · 11/01/2023 19:10

This is me and my brother. We are just too different. Always friendly but we don't really talk much. We have nothing in common

LlynTegid · 11/01/2023 20:19

Reminds me of my dad and uncle, even as adults.

A slight feeling of sadness, but at least not an alternative of being at war with each other.

Mortimermay · 11/01/2023 20:26

I think this is probably quite common. I've never fallen out with my sibling but we're very different people and don't have much in common apart from the same parents! We never spent time socialising together as teenagers or adults. Now that we have children we spend family time together with the kids but neither of us would ever think to just meet up or call for a chat to pass the time. We get on well when we're together but we're just not close.
My husband is the same with his siblings. Very different to both of them. I would caution trying to force a relationship though because his mum has tried to do that with my husband and one of his siblings in particular and its ruined his own relationship with his mum.

Original poster
MegBusset · 11/01/2023 21:20

mirabella84 · 11/01/2023 19:06

My ds is 17, dd15, and they are like your 2, they barely interact. They rarely argue but just have completely opposite personalities and completely different interests.

Occasionally they will bond over moaning about a teacher but that's about it!

They got on fine as kids, just been the past 3 years or so. It's sad really but agree with another poster, not much we can do about it.

Hah, the one thing that does get them talking is moaning about teachers etc that annoy them at school!

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences and it sounds like it's pretty normal. I was very close to my sister all through childhood and still am, so this is all new to me. But then we shared a room all through whereas mine have always had their own space.

OP posts:
Original poster
MegBusset · 11/01/2023 21:23

Ponypitter · 11/01/2023 14:54

I think this sounds strange and sad. Have you asked either of them about it? I have a tricky relationship with my sibling but we only once had a period of not really interacting and that was because something quite serious had happened between us.

They both said that they prefer not speaking to each other to arguing! I think it has just become a pattern of behaviour now. I would like to think that they would come together in a moment of crisis!

OP posts:
quietnightmare · 11/01/2023 21:42

Game night kids vs adults in something or cards against humanity is funny ( and crude) but funny

Movie night - kids pick the movie forces them to discuss which one to watch could do that once a month or something

Cooking - tell them they need to cook a meal once a week/ fortnight together for the family that will no doubt get them to talk/ fight hope talk not fight but who knows

Computer games- if they are into them can you get them one they can play together like do a level each

Gym - would they both be interested in going to the gym together

Take out / food - could you send them to go pick up a take away once a week/fortnight (obviously if you don't live rural) or send them together to do the food shop

Music - would they go to a gig together if you got them tickets or both learn an instrument

Just some ideas for you

freshlybakedbread · 12/01/2023 06:16

I found my sister really annoying during the teenage stage, but as adults we get on well.
My two teens actually get on well. I personally don't believe it's something that can be orchestrated, in that it often comes down to personality and circumstances.

ChaToilLeam · 12/01/2023 06:22

This was DSis and me as teenagers, we had nothing whatsoever in common. We get on very well now as adults but are not super close, I live in a different country now. DM always bewailed this but you cannot force a deeper relationship, it’s there or it’s not.

Do make sure you don’t play them off against each other or compare them to each other, because DM did that and it annoyed the hell out of us both!

Thesealsknowsheismagic · 12/01/2023 06:28

I genuinely don’t believe not being close to your siblings, especially during teenage years is anything to worry about. And I think trying to force it makes it worse.

I know loads of people have an ideal image of family that usually includes siblings who are close. But I don’t think it’s realistic to think this is the ideal. It obviously happens and nice when it does. But just because 2 people are born to the same parents, it doesn’t mean they must be close their whole lives or that something is wrong if they aren’t.

I love my brother. We aren’t close but he is family and we are fine. Phone each other occasionally. We were close in age, we were close when we were younger. But he just isn’t someone I would choose to be friends with. If the shit hit the fan, I would be there for him and know he would be for me. We have a bond. But not the type that means we are close in day to day life.

I have a quite large gap between my kids and expected them not to be that close but they are. It’s nothing I did. Dd is at Uni and speaks to ds every day. But they have personalities that gel. They were close until dd got to about 16, at which point she started making the effort and he discovered he liked her more than he thought 😂

VerveClique · 12/01/2023 06:32

I think it’s worth nurturing the relationship. I want our DCs to live with us as a family… I’m not facilitating distant housemate-type relationships at that age. They’ve got the rest of their lives to live like that once they leave home.

If you’d like to get more of that team feeling, you need to give them a bit of leadership. Start with not just eating together, but religiously asking about each others day. Take it in turns to ‘lead’ this conversation each day. Ask them to share their views on what each other has been up to.

Best way is to give them something to figure out together so that they have to interact.

‘Right boys, I’ve decided that on Tuesdays and Thursdays you’re doing the dishes. Off you go.’ Ditto folding laundry etc.

’OK lads, grandma needs her garden sorting out. I’ll take us all at the weekend and we’ll have a day of it’.

Or For a treat (!) some sort of walking/camping holiday for a couple of nights where they actually have to rely on each other to get through it.

Don’t spoil them!! they’re more than capable of this sort of stuff. I have two Dnephews exactly the same and it’s actually a bit pathetic to see because it causes an atmosphere in the house either way. Even if they don’t become best pals, I’m sure they’d thank you for it in years to come because they should hopefully star to nurture some sort of constructive relationship.

PinkSyCo · 12/01/2023 06:36

I have 2 boys/men who are 18 months apart and they are exactly the same and always have been. They have never fought and are friendly enough when they do interact but are just very different people who, apart from having the same parents, have nothing in common. I sometimes think it’d be nice if they were a bit closer but I know they love each other and would always help each other out if ever needed and that’s all that matters really.

Passthecake30 · 12/01/2023 06:38

My 2 (dd13, ds14) were massively close when younger, absolute playmates which helped me a lot! Now dd tends to irritate ds and he yells at her if she enters her bedroom, which she found hard at first as that was where she played for years. They talk to each other at mealtimes, always about school, hang out ok on holiday and absolutely have each other’s back, even if they wouldn’t admit it, I’ve seen the signs!

mumof3now2 · 12/01/2023 06:40

2 DS 14 and almost 16.
Very different, own rooms, own friends.
Chat at dinner and sometimes about computers etc but don't actively seek out each others company

Nicecow · 12/01/2023 06:40

I think forcing it is pointless, but is there slme way to find something they might have in common? Family board game night, trip somewhere they might like doing activities something like that to create some bonding. At least they don't hate each other, that's something