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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teens don't talk to each other at all

36 replies

MegBusset · 10/01/2023 22:22

DSes 13 (nearly 14) and 15 (nearly 16).

They are both lovely boys, doing well at school, no behaviour issues. Very different personalities (DS1 reserved and thoughtful, DS2 more outgoing and relaxed).

They were close when little. Went through an awful phase of bickering about 2/3 years ago when one could not say anything nice to the other - constant winding up,bickering, having to have the last word.

Now they don't fight, but they don't interact at all either - not a word spoken - apart from if asked to eg by me or DH to let the other know dinner is ready etc. They live separate lives, more like distant housemates than brothers - have their own rooms, friends, interests. It makes for a peaceful house but I worry that I ought to be challenging it somehow? Or just accept it as normal and maybe they will grow closer as adults, or that we haven't failed as parents if they're not close?

We do eat dinner as a family most nights, mostly at the weekends they are doing their own thing. They do come on walks with us sometimes in which case they will mooch along quietly or talk to me and DH. They are polite to each other. Just very distant 😞

OP posts:

SmileWithADimple · 12/01/2023 06:52

Sounds pretty normal OP. Some siblings are very close, some hate each other, and some are in between. You can't force them to be best friends, but you can organise the occasional family thing to encourage them to interact if they want to - family movie night? Poker game? Meal out? Are you going away on holiday this year? - that can be a good time for siblings to bond.

Original poster

MegBusset · 12/01/2023 11:57

Thanks all. We still do family holidays (and they will share rooms if need be), eat dinner together, go for meals out, and all watched The Menu together last weekend. It doesn't feel tense - just lacking in conversation! We do engage with them, of course. But I don't think it would help to badger them to talk to each other when neither is very interested in the other!

OP posts:

Maggiesgirl · 12/01/2023 14:01

Eldest DB and I were like this as teenagers. In fact at school DB denied I was his sister once. But once we got to adults we got a lot closer and now in our 60s although we live 500 miles from each other we speak at least a couple of times a week.

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 12/01/2023 14:15

My two DD's used to be best of friends til about three years ago, now at 17 and 15 they don't get on so well but maybe once or twice a week I will find them talking in the kitchen or we all chat in the car on the school run. When we go on holiday they talk more as they only have each other and our two younger ones to amuse themselves I suppose.

Dd1 is fed up with dd2 who is a bit wayward and she resents the issues she perceives she has caused. Dd2 is hurt by it but would never say so. I'm hoping as they get older they will get on better.

There is still a lot of love there underneath. Dd1 went absolutely bananas and was out of her mind with worry when we unfortunately had to take dd2 to a and e last year. She was fitting and unconscious in our arms and the receptionist told us we had taken her to the wrong desk and wouldn't call for help as it was the adults a and e instead of children's. (We could literally see children's a and e through the doorway and at that point it was actually life or death so did it really matter?) Usually very meek and reserved DD1 gave her what for which got her off her arse and got the Dr's to come and in that moment and those that followed I could see that underneath it all she does still love her sister.

Mom2ccj · 12/01/2023 17:50

freshlybakedbread · 12/01/2023 06:16

I found my sister really annoying during the teenage stage, but as adults we get on well.
My two teens actually get on well. I personally don't believe it's something that can be orchestrated, in that it often comes down to personality and circumstances.

I can totally relate to this. My sister and I are 18 months apart and literally had nothing to do with each other during the teenage years. We didn’t necessarily argue with each other all that much, but we just didn’t ever choose to hang out together. Like, ever. Fast forward to now…both in our 40’s and are closer than close…can’t go a couple of days without talking to each other.

I have 3 teens currently, and they go through phases where they love each other and I hear them laughing away together, and then moments where it seems like they haven’t really bonded or spoken to each other for what seems like days. In my experience, and after having talked to my friends who are parenting teens, it seems pretty normal - and hopefully as your boys get older, they will become closer. I know there’s nothing any of us want more than for our kids to be friends through life…

MooFroo · 12/01/2023 17:53

Mine are the same! Used to really stress me out as I wanted them to be close - about 18 months apart. But they are totally different personalities and are nice to each other but not close close. Hoepfully as they get older they’ll turn to each other more?

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 12/01/2023 17:59

My 2 ds were similar to yours growing up and have a similar age gap. Both very different with different interests, the only time they seemed to bond was when making fun of me, which I always secretly enjoyed.

Now the youngest is at Uni and has started to drink they have spent time together and visiting each other at their respective halls having nights out.

You never know they might find things in common when they grow up.

AmberEars · 12/01/2023 18:24

When DH and I got married l, his parents put a lot of pressure on him to ask his brother to be best man. Er no, they're not close at all and there's no point in pretending they are!

Ginseng1 · 13/01/2023 00:27

It's not unusual! I never communicated with my brother's as a teen. If I saw one of them in my local night club I'd avoid! Which is exactly how my older two are now. I get on with my bro now though other one passed on but we did get on. Wouldn't be chatting every day like but mutual respect have each others backs & when we'd meet have a laugh! (Often about shared childhood experiences or our kids but whatever we'd get on, no bad feeling a real 'connection' ) I really miss the brother not here anymore though he lived abroad & we'd only meet couple times a year. Is like a part of the past gone.

lornmower · 04/02/2023 04:36

Definitely don't challenge it and you haven't failed as parents. Putting a positive spin on it - this way they've got all the advantages of having a sibling while so

lornmower · 04/02/2023 04:37

Sorry posted to soon

Putting a positive spin on it they've got all the advantages of having a sibling as well as the advantage of being an only child - that is at least they're not hemmed in by siblings !

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