How does anyone live with their teens/ young adults?!

[Tiggy321]

Just that really. Have 3- 20,18 and 17. 20 yr old and 17 yr old are just horrid. Rude, lazy, lie about stuff, generally very unpleasant. My 18 yr old is a delight but the situation at home is really getting me down. It's like a war zone all the time. 20 yr old is between jobs so lies around doing nothing all day (just got back from travelling for 4 months). His room is disgusting, he's unbelievably rude and I find it hard to believe we are related! The 17 year old is pretty rude too, not doing any school work, just being mean to me all the time. I honestly feel like running away and never coming back. They are so so ungrateful for all I do (washing, cooking, shopping, lifts....) I feel I have totally failed as a parent to turn out nice, kind citizens. So utterly depressing and I literally dread coming home. Is it just me ? (Probably ..)

It is time for the 20-year-old is to leave home. He has no right to behave like that at his age. It's disgusting. Time to call a family meeting. Tell the 20-year-old he's got one month's notice and tell the 17-year-old that if they carry on the same way they are out on their 18th birthday.

Yes but not that simple is it? He has no income- therefore can't rent a room. I am just soooo over it. I have stopped as of tonight cooking for him and won't be doing his washing anymore. So many horrible things have been said (by me too in the heat of the moment) I just feel very saddened by it all. Can't see a way through it tbh .

The solution lies with you, surely? I know it sounds harsh but you have to stand up for yourself.

What do you provide for them?
What do you do when they are rude?
Where is their dad in all this?

I am sorry you are feeling so upset, it sounds very upsetting for you

Why are you doing a 20yos washing anyway?

I really do know it's not as easy as that. However, he has to be told that he is completely out of line. If you do say that to him that he has to go, he has a month to pull himself together, apologise, clean his room and look for a job. If he does that, and if he tells a 17-year-old to shut up when they are causing trouble, then I'm sure you would change your mind. So yes, I would have a meeting with all of them and say I just can't do it anymore. It's up to them what happens now.

Tough love time. The 20yo will never have any incentive to leave the way you are going. I'd give them an ultimatum and mean it. Shape up or ship out!

It's not ok, but I think you're far from being the only Mum treated like this.
Stop being quite so accommodating to your kids. They're not appreciating what you do.
Be more assertive, insist on them all doing their fair share of chores and pull them up on speaking to you and each other with respect.

I have definitely been through similar stages with mine.

My 18yo now understands that as an adult, they are accountable for their actions. My continued financial and practical support is a choice I make, not an obligation. And I won't keep choosing to do it if the cost to me is too high (and I don't mean money!).

As part of treating them like an adult (and expecting them to behave like one!) I don't cook or do laundry for them. They're welcome to eat if I've cooked a big batch of something of course, but mostly they look after themselves. Likewise, I'll let them know if there's space to throw a few things in a load I am doing, but I'm not taking responsibility for their clothes.

It's taken a lot of conversations to get to that point. They are best had at a time when everyone's calm rather than in the middle of a dispute. Early days but it seems to be working.

I would say no.1 priority in your situation is pulling the financial support down to absolute basics so there is motivation to work!

Good luck OP.

Don't give the 20 year old any money. They have to sign on or work. If they sign on they will make them look for work.

You have to lose your shit sometimes. As teenagers they were all rude or careless a couple of times and I went berserk
They’re all adults and still live here ocassionally- between flat shares, lockdown university holidays etc.
They're messy, I am too, but cook for themselves and me, do their own washing, function as grown ups not passengers with chores, errands etc.

Oh op, you haven’t failed as a parent. Your 20yr old has had 4 months travelling and now thinks they know everything, and can live as they please. At 20 they feel like they can’t be told what to do and are all grown up, truth is that they are under your roof so there has to be rules and quite frankly you deserve a level of respect.
Your 17 yr old needs to buck up their ideas as not doing any schoolwork will leave them with little options for the future.

Tomorrow is a new day. Sit down together and calmly hash it all out. What you expect from them and what you’re prepared to do too.
It’s exhausting having grown up children at home.

My 20 yr old works, he pays rent, he knows how to use the washing machine although I do most of the washing. He’s able to cook for himself if I’m out and he’ll wash up after I’ve cooked dinner. We’ve got into good habits but it hasn’t always been easy. He has a 16 yr old brother who can also do all of the above - I got him trained early!!

Dont be too hard on yourself, but be determined not to be a pushover and start setting out the house rules!

No it’s not just you . My kids treat me like crap. Now I’ve given up I haven’t even got the energy to fight anymore.

I totally understand op and my advice is grin and bear it until they leave! I am only half-joking too!

The thing is we are at the point in our lives when our dcs’ wishes are almost directly opposite to our own, even if our basic needs are the same. It’s bound to lead to various degrees of conflict and is a perfectly natural stage of life. You have NOT failed as a parent.

I think the best way to get through it is to accept it’s going to be hellish for a bit (interspersed with lovely glimmers of their past and future selves) pick your battles, be available for emergencies and be receptive to important bits of communication (which usually takes place just as you are going to sleep) but for the rest leave them to get on with it as much as possible, cook up some nutritious food every so often, let them do their own washing and cleaning and don’t take any of the rudeness personally and focus on some lovely hobbies if you have any time to yourself at all. This too shall pass!

Personally, I wouldn’t have a family meeting. I would tackle them individually. The eldest needs telling that you are expecting them to set an example for the others and you are relying on them to do this.

And let them sort out their own squabbles. Tell them once to put a sock in it and walk out of the front door if necessary and leave them to it! It’s nice if you have a dog that will come with you and listen to your frustrations!

Be a bit vague occasionally about when you will be back home and let them fend for themselves a bit. Why not go away for the night (spontaneously so they can’t plan a party!). Don’t be too predictable and bring your friends home too. In other words, it’s time to let your dc know that you have a fulfilling life outside of just being a parent to them.

Also, set a boundary about rudeness, lack of respect and laziness. Ignore any pettiness but don’t stand for major back chat or insults. Personally I think if you want your dc to have respect for you then you need to respect yourself. So be a good parent but don’t subjugate yourself to them too much or become their maid! Talk to a friend or or counsellor if you need a bit of support.

You usually see vast improvements when your dc leave home and realise that fending for yourself isn’t as easy as they think! Good luck op! I am in awe of you coping with three so close together!

My heart goes out to you OP as it is most definitely is not just you. I completely empathise with the "rude, lazy, unpleasant, ungrateful....I want to run away...feel I'm failing as a parent...utterly depressed" scenario. Parenting my 2 boys alone through the teenage years is frankly demoralising & unfulfilling & lonely and I so often wonder where on earth those delightful, affectionate boys went.

Advice from Neaptide78 is bang on I reckon, though having tried every tack myself, I completely get that setting boundaries around laziness & respect can be way way harder in practice. Whenever I lose my cool (often!) it gets pounced on & thrown back at me and I'm dismissed as an "angry parent" who can safely be ignored. It can feel like we can't win whatever we do.

While it can be soul-destroying & relentless, I cling on to the idea that the teenage brain seems programmed for utter self-centredness as an evolutionary survival thing. Which, fingers crossed, has little bearing on how their future selves will turn out as they mature. And down the line they will like & appreciate us much more - apparently!

I wish I could wave a magic wand but can only offer empathy. Please look after yourself too though by putting your own wellbeing much higher in the pecking order of needs.

the Oldest is a boy, what sex are the other 2?

They see you as a walk over and a doormat which is why they treat you like shit. You’re worn down so you put up with it. Something has to drastically change and only you can work out what that looks like.

It is most definitely not just you, there will be literally millions of parents of teens across the world wondering what the hell happened to their sweet children and dreading going home after work :(

You will get posters saying stupid stuff like, "Well, you raised them" and "Oh, my teenagers are perfect" but anyone with half a gram of education knows that the teen/young adult years are challenging for most.

Much of this is due to physical changes that they are going through, the brain, the hormones... their moods fluctuate and their ability to reason and access empathy is limited. They are exceptionally self-absorbed. It can be very wearing, but it is normal.

I'm not sure what to suggest, I'm not going to pretend I have the answers, but you should at least be reassured that it is not just you and that what you are experiencing and feeling is very common. It is surprising that there are not more homicides, tbh because as you say, they can be relentlessly rude and disrespectful.

I mean, there's advice out there about setting boundaries and consequences, but the reality is that it's bloody hard to enforce. It's not like you can force them to behave or to accept consequences, and there is also the misery of living in a bad atmosphere.

What sort of support do you have?

Thanks for the replies. Not a lot of support from DH (father). He does anything for a quiet life! It's just hard and I am always the bad guy... I just need to ignore more and get on with my own stuff. It seems everyone in the house sits in their own rooms doing their own stuff. Guess I am a bit lonely 😞

An update: 20'yr old has been yet again agressive, smashed his bedroom door (again). I have repeatedly asked/told him to move out. He is refusing so we are at a totally impasse 🤷‍♀️Short of chucking his stuff on the street not sure what to do. He then threatens to kill himself so that's an added thing to worry about (tho I think it's just a threat / blackmail but even so...) He says the most awful things to me- really vile stuff. Want to say I don't care about him but of course I do as he's my son ! Going to just ignore him and do absolutely nothing to make his life easier (including cooking/washing or lifts). On a positive note, 17 yr old DD has started being slightly more reasonable and kind ! Thanks for listening - feels good to share

He's an adult so needs to look after himself. Do nothing for him.

OP
He sounds unliveable with.
Can you record him next time he kicks off, or "even" is just verbally abusive to you. Have your phone surreptitiously recording.

It's literally horrific. He has now smashed photos of us a family. He is so angry, mentally unstable and totally unloveable at the moment. I have asked him repeatedly to leave. He continues to be verbally abusive . H is totally useless in managing thingns too. All anger and hatred is directed to me as I am the one who sets the rules etc . I feel utterly depressed by it all . Feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown tbh but that's not possible as I am the only wage earner so have so much pressure on my shoulders. Feeling v woe is me

Bloody hell im not looking forwards to this. My 18, 15 and 14 year olds are lovely, polite and caring towards one another.
My 13 year old however is an absolute horror. She goes out and doesn't come home, gets fake tan/makeup over her bedding and the new carpet. Swears, steals money off me etc. her dad is also a complete waste of oxygen and won't give her consequences, because (I quote) 'it's not my places to tell her off, she will stop being friends with me'.
I am dreading her getting to her late teens.
My other teens wouldn't have dreamt of being so awful

OP, you’re not at an impasse. This is your home. He’s damaging it and treating everyone badly.

He’s treating you like this because he’s got no fear of any consequences. Call the police to remove him for the night and he’ll see you’re serious.